What do you think of when you think about true love?
Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only happens to others - you know, the ones who are lucky, beautiful, talented, or have something else that you don't seem to have?
You’re not alone – I used to feel that way, too.
I would look around at all of my happily married friends, (or worse, the ones who were soon to be married as I went to look at wedding dresses with them and be fitted for my own bridesmaid dress), and wonder what they had that I didn't because I was convinced there had to be something in them that wasn't in me.
I know exactly how you feel.
You feel like they have something that you're missing. That there's some secret you don't know about, or aren't capable of. That they have something you don't.
They always seem to have something we don't have – we even tend to use the phrase "you're so lucky" when referring to the guy they found.
And it only seems to get worse the older you get.
You can just feel yourself staring at that hypothetical, but still very real biological clock ticking away, as you do the math in your head: If I meet him right now, and we date for a year, then get engaged and married a year later, I'll be (insert any horribly old-sounding age here).
It's enough to drive even the most stable, intelligent woman to extreme anxiety levels, leading to that downward spiral where we can find ourselves doing all the desperate things we promised ourselves we’d never do.
But there’s something you need to know about this because it doesn't have to be this way for any of us, and especially not for you.
You see, that very thinking is a big part of what's keeping you from having the kind of love that you want in your life.
That kind of thinking leads to fear – the fear that you'll never find the right guy. Fear leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to desperation.
It's a downward spiral that you have to get yourself out of as quickly as you can.
But I also know that it's not as easy as it sounds.
In order to get out of this downward spiral that you're caught up in, you first need to know exactly what your true thoughts are about love, and why you have those thoughts.
We might think "Yes, I know that love is everywhere", but deep down inside we don't really believe it. This is due to your life programming, whether it came from your parents, teachers, or other role models in your life, or you friends and peers. In fact, you're still being programmed, even at this stage in your life - not the least of which is by the media, movies, television shows and magazines.
But armed with this knowledge, just be being open to seeing this programming for what it is, you also have the power to change it. It doesn't have to be this way because this isn't what love is at all.
Here's the truth:
Love isn't particular. Love isn't selective. Love doesn't just gravitate towards the people that are perfect. In fact, some of the most imperfect people were the ones who were getting married all around me!
Love is everywhere. Love is for everyone, including you.
But it’s not necessarily the kind of love that you've been programmed to believe in.
- It’s not the kind found in fairy tales - that's the kind that doesn't exist in real life.
- It’s not the kind that’s led you to believe you have to prove your worth to get it - the kind that you have to work for.
- It’s not the kind that you have to try to find by being something other than your true self with someone who isn't capable of the kind of love you’re looking for.
- It’s not the kind that has you accepting whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you in the name of love.
- It’s not the kind that conquers love if there isn't love there in the first place.
- And no, it’s never the dramatic roller-coaster kind.
It is the kind that happens between two people who are on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
It’s real. It’s authentic, and it happens between two real people who understand all this and refuse to settle for anything less.
But you have to be open to seeing the difference between what love really is and who it’s for and what your very powerful belief system - the one you've been creating you're entire life - would have you believing.
You have to be willing to see the difference – and take a chance on experiencing that difference for what it is. Real. Authentic. True.
And that is exactly what you do deserve. All of us do.
Because when you change your outlook on love to one of abundance instead of scarcity, to one that’s available to every single one of us, you will open yourself to accept the love that is flowing all around you.
All you have to do is be open enough to allow it in.
See it, notice it, accept it.
And know that it's there for you, too.
What beliefs about love are you holding onto that might be keeping you from having the kind of love you want? Tell us about it in the comments!
Jane,
Everyday I see women and men together, and suddenly I start to feel jealous of those couples because they seem so happy and complete with each other. I can't help, but envy couples. Sometimes, I imagine being a mistress to a married man or a lover to a boyfriend who's already taken because I feel that this is the option to find and feel love. My fear is that I'll be broken, and no one will love me because I feel like "cheap goods". I fear that no one will love me because they'll look for someone, and that I was just their "little play toy". I fear that I'll be lonely without a companion. I feel envious for couples who have it all. Sometimes I even imagine what Valentine's day would be like, watching spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends buying teddy bears, chocolates, flowers, etc. And then I start to feel sad, and having the urge to cry. I am seventeen years old, and although I'm growing up, I just feel that there is no one in this world that will become my soul mate. I feel conflicted that there is going to be a Mr. Right, and another part of me says Mr. Right is a figment of my imagination leaving me to believe that "Prince Charming" was a total, and stupid fake. It would be nice to receive gifts like on Valentines Day every once in a while just so I'll know that someone does care, and that I'm never alone. That there is someone by my side, even when I don't see him. I fear that I'll never meet the perfect guy, and my inside feelings become shattered pieces of glass that was once a beautiful glass mirror. :'( I fear loneliness because I don't want to be eternally in a black hole forever. I long for companionship. I fear being "shattered glass" and becoming lost and broken. I am a Christian, and I seem to not have that much faith, even when I should. Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror, and try to point out the things I need to change in hoping that a guy would come around, and then feel loved. Sometimes, I fantasize about being a married man's mistress, but then reconsider because if I agree to become a mistress, I'll be more broken and damage that man's life. Not to mention his wife and children. I won't become a mistress; it isn't what I want. I want a healthy, promising, and loving relationship, not an abusive or dead-end one. All I want is: to be happy. Please give me your best advice.
They don't have anything that you don't already have in you, Desiree. You have so much to offer someone who's worthy of you just by being you! All those couples that you're envying, all those boyfriends and girlfriends, and people who seem to have this all figured out, they're real people too. There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing you need to change about yourself to be worthy; you only need to see yourself for who you are. A beautiful young woman who deserves to be loved, who deserves to be someone's priority, and not someone's mistress or someone on the side. That's not your future, no matter how you may see your life right now.
It's your birthright to be happy, Desiree. When we look to someone else for our happiness we set ourselves up for such disappointment because the kind of love and happiness we find ourselves chasing after outside of ourselves can only come from within. It comes from learning to love ourselves enough to know that we deserve to be happy and it's not selfish to focus on ourselves like this. It takes practice changing the way we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves but over time, when we change the way we talk to ourselves and learn to practice self-compassion on a daily basis, we start to see things differently. Don't let your fears run away from you; you are not your fears, they're all part of a programming that isn't reality and isn't the truth; allow yourself to feel them, but choose to let them go on by. Don't let them tell you a story that isn't one you're choosing for yourself.
Today is always a new day. You are in control of your own life no matter what you've been through or what your story has been and love and life doesn't have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you let it be. There are so many wonderful men out there, but you have to choose to get to know one of them and not the ones you've been with or that others have told you are the only ones that exist. Real love never hurts, but so many people don't realize this and call so many behaviors love that aren't. Sometimes it's the people we thought we could trust - the ones who are supposed to protect us and show us what love is - don't, or can't, or simply aren't capable of doing so. That's their story and not yours, so don't make it yours. You deserve so much more!
It's time to get to know yourself better, to start making a list of all the beautiful qualities you have instead of looking at the things you think you lack. Start finding out what you enjoy doing, what you're passionate about, what you enjoy doing, what makes you feel alive, what makes you uniquely you - and then do those things, pursue those hobbies and passions, and find the real you! She's in there, just waiting to show the world all that she can do.
I hope this helps, Desiree. You are still so young and have your whole beautiful life ahead of you! I hope you're seeing this for yourself even if the story of what you've been through has been coloring so much of what you see. It's only the lens you're looking through and not the reality of all that is out there waiting for you to discover it for yourself. If you need help seeing this, consider seeking out some professional help from someone who you can share all that's going on with you and all that you're feeling without judgement. In time, when you've discovered this beautiful young woman known as you, you'll find that someone who's right for you, who's on the same page as you and wants the same thing as you, will cross paths with you and you will see this all for yourself. But don't rush it. It will happen! Because you deserve to be loved, to be adored by someone who's right for you. This all begins with you!
Jane, It's me Desiree. Listen, I did read your comment, and it brought me to tears. Suddenly, I imagined anime for some reason. Sometimes, I fantasize being in a bridal gown shop, and looking at all the beautiful bride dresses just the ones that all women want to buy for their wedding. But when I see those dresses, I start feeling tears in my eyes, and run quickly to the restroom crying my eyes out, so no one will notice. It's because I worry and fear that no man will ever consider me the engagement and marriage type. I know that I am 17. Sometimes, I wonder what sex would be like with the man that I'll eventually love. I am a Christian, and having sex before marriage is a sin. Sometimes, when I'm in my room, I undress, and get inside my bed, and imagine how my future husband would be like in bed with me. Is this wrong to think of such thoughts? Also, I do watch porn on my laptop, and I am trying to fight that addiction, but I still watch porn videos, and masturbate. I worry that this will make me the unmarriageable type, and I'll blame myself. Please help me. Give me your good advice.
It does answer some questions..you´re my guru these days! The pain doesn´t disappear one day to another but I suddenly understand what you are saying and I understand why he chose not to develop the puppy love he felt for me and why he chose to go for the love he already had with his girlfriend. He already knew that love is a choice you make and you can only chose that with some one that´s one your page, and I will never be on the page where an open relationship with his conditions is OK...only with his gf now that is working and that´s kind of beautiful I guess..( But I´m def not there yet to be happy for their love. Maybe that step never isn't really necessary either.) I can understand him, forgive him then and it eases the pain. Next step for me is to make that choice being MINE, only MY CHOICE and not just accepting and understanding some one else's choice for me. Only in that way I can come out of the depression this caused me. I deep down know what I want..I always wanted that house on the countryside in Sweden, two horses and two american stand ford terriers running around and two curly haired kids running around there as well. Having my spanish-swedish company running from the laptop in the kitchen, with the required trips back to Spain every second month..and I am making that dream coming closer, I´m finishing the phd, I´m staring a spin-off company from the uni in Valencia and will be able to run it from any place...I will focus on that ..:-) Even if he made the outspoken choice he based it on my reactions of his lifestyle, the pain I showed and our..incompatibility...which is, MY choice. I want someone that understand that I am woman enough and more for him, that it is worth waiting weeks for and not having sex with other women...some one that does´t make me a bipolar jealous roller coaster..I´m not happy in that roll at all..And I could not change him, believe me I tried...;-) Thanks for letting me write this off, writing is a big therapy for me, loud formulating my thoughts and getting this amazing feedback you offer is such a great help. Small steps...every day, a new step in the right direction. There will be days where the steps stop or even go back, but the probability of that is less for each lesson I learn and for each understanding I discover. Thank you, truly.
So glad this helped clarify these points for you, Alva. I'm always here for you!
HI AGAIN! I have some questions to you know..Im slowly getting it but there are peaces missing. I wonder, in your description of love it almost sounds like love is a DECISION between two people that are on the same page. I wonder then how you really se on unrelieved love, does it even exist what we call unhappily in love? ( of course it exists cause the feelings are real, but is it just an illusion all of it then?) Is the unrequited love always just our own projections? That was the first question, second one: How do you see on internet dating? I sense that you feel that it is great, people that are searching for love are gathered together and you have the possibility to decide (?) to have love with someone. Or? Cause I still have this, maybe the believe that until now ruined my love life, believe that love is something that should (..) happen spontaneously with someone, or at the contrary, grow with a friend. So, I´m really not sure what to think about the internet dating. If it is instead of going to the club and just a way of meeting people I an buy it, but I can´t really believe in the finding love between someone else that also wants it so bad and meeting on a place just for our kind...or am I just wrong? THANKS! Im really curious about your answers here!!
Great questions, Alva; it's in digging deeper like this and asking these questions first of yourself and then here, that you start to peel away the layers of belief systems and programming to see what is underneath. And it's there that you find yourself freed of the old ways that can leave us repeating the same patterns over and over again and free to experience new ways of seeing, new ways of being and new ways of living your life!
Love is always a conscious decision between two people that are on the same page. That's not the way the media and our culture portrays it, it doesn't have that "romantic" feel to it when we think of it this way, but that's exactly what it is even though that specific conversation doesn't happen between the two people, or out loud, directly. Instead, it's what each of us chooses in our own minds, in our own choices whether we make them consciously or subconsciously, the result is the same. We choosing what we want and what we don't.
So when we meet someone who has always made that decision, again whether it be consciously or not, when we take the time to slow things down enough to really to know them better to find this out - if they're on your page and want the same thing as you do - before giving our hearts and bodies away to them, we save ourselves from so much heartbreak when we simply assume they're where we are simply because that "spark" is there.
But that same "spark" we've been taught to look for doesn't tell you anything about whether this is someone who you're actually going to be compatible with in the long run. It doesn't tell you anything about whether you're both looking for the same type of relationship or if you're truly compatible in all the ways that matter. But because we've been so programmed to look at love this way, we falsely equate love with all kinds of other things that have nothing to do with true love!
So "unhappily in love" doesn't exist in real love, but since we call all kinds of relationships and feelings "love" that have nothing to do with real love, we think it exists. It's only when we peel away those same layers and discover what we really believe about love and see how much it has to do with our upbringing, our culture, and the media that perpetuate this inaccurate portrayal of what we've been calling love, that we can make a conscious decision to refuse to settle for anything less than the real thing - true love.
So many of us have no idea what that's really like because we've only experienced the other version that is anything but love!
And yes, I think online dating is a great way to meet someone simply because it gives you a much broader pool of people to draw from to find someone who you are compatible with. Love may happen spontaneously with someone, but it may also come through a friendship, through an introduction from friends or family, through someone you see on a regular basis going about your life, or through any number of ways that can all be great ways to meet someone.
The point is to not limit yourself, to look at it all forms of meeting new people as an adventure and not an all or nothing quest for the perfect person. I know so many people now that have met their husbands and wives online that I strongly recommend that everyone try it and see if it fits with them. like joining various clubs and groups online and in person, it's just another way of broadening your social circles to include more people with similar shared interests.
I hope that answers your questions, Alva. I'm always happy to expand on any missing pieces that you discover along the way! 🙂
Wonderfull said Jane! Indeed we think " oh well that just me now, I can't do anything" ..
A kind of thinking which makes you lazy or makes you belief all these weird ideas about love.
So in a way your lying to yourself!
It's comfortable to stay with the old patterns and just think " it ain't my luck, this love" .
I think that you can if you want to change the way you look at things, here we are talking about love.
I believe you can change your view and thoughts. But it takes
Time & dedication... Practice...
But all the work is great , because you feel more free inside.
When you go into the world with insecure thoughts or scared,
I think a person can't experience love or building a relationship.
I can speak for myself I make the most stupid choices in man
Or friends when I do not listen to myself. When you don't love your
Inner life and your body.... You search for external things that will say or
Make you feel pretty or good.
It is indeed a wonderful thing when you love yourself .
I even believe that why I did not yet meet a good man.
Because of my own behaviour ( not loving my body, doubting that
I could change my thinking..scared)
But now that I learned this , I am like feeling way more secure.
And the man that's going to come in my life & if he is worth it.
I am going to enjoy myself & surround with love.
Waaaay different feeling and thinking then a year ago! So yes a human can
Change!
Alva he has chosen. Now you choose you! As Jane said also see it as a gift! ( when I read a
Article See it as a gift ... Lord I thought kiss my a** a gift! This awful man! ... But now
I think "yes it was a huge gift, thnq " )
How do you switch the mindset? I recently dated someone long distance who ended things abruptly, and I have let myself go back to an old and painful story about my worth and if I get to have what others have....
It is so painful and I know I need to let go of him, realize I showed up great, and we were not in the same page. But instead I am looking at it as a judgement of me. And then the pain is so overwhelming, I simply say, I guess I don't get to have that like others. Please help!
By telling yourself the other story, Sadness; the true story. This isn't about you! This is about him. It's the story about someone who wasn't there, who couldn't get there, who didn't want to be there, and who made a choice that didn't involve you. That's the reality that you know. Then there's the story you tell yourself - and you're so not alone here, we've all been there! It's the story you tell yourself about you being the victim, about there being something wrong with you, about why it keeps happening to you and why there's something everyone else has that you don't have. It's the story that you're somehow not worthy or you don't deserve to be loved and everyone else is.
It's a lie, Sadness. And it only ends when you decide you've had enough. It ends when you look in the mirror and see that beautiful, loving, caring, giving women who deserves all the love in the world by someone who's truly worthy of her, and not the other way around, for who you really are. You do those things that make you feel good about yourself.
You go places where you're loved. You spend time with people who adore you. You learn to love yourself and make it your top priority. You stop beating yourself up. You start finding compassion for yourself.
And you resolve to never let anyone treat you the way you're treating yourself ever again. And slowly, surely, as you discover who you really are and what makes you happy, you start to see yourself for who you really are; someone who deserves to be loved without proving yourself to anyone. Just because you're you!
Thank you Jane! I do appreciate the advice and it helps me come back to reality that I really dont know this guy very well. For some reason, it is so much easier said than done though. I feel like I always have the perfect advice to give my friends and get frustrated when they dont follow, but when its me I just cant seem to have the mindset or actions that I know are best for me. He did reach out to me, once again about random stuff --for example--frozen yogurt. I thought maybe he was asking me out but he didnt, just casual conversation about frozen yogurt haha so finally i dropped hints I wanted to go and again he told me he wasnt done with his paper yet. So, Im going to take your advice and just let go I guess.
For some reason its hard to think that if he likes me he wont forget about me, but i was just worried that if his "facebook status" is true about him being busy until may...that by the time he is free, even if he liked me... too much time would have passed and i will be irrelevant. It is somewhat nice that he is motivated and driven... and does value school over a girl he only hung out with twice. but at the same time, i want him to realize that Im busy too and if he wants to see me again Im not just going to be free any night he wants or once hes finally not studying anymore. I guess i feel like i gave him all the power since I suggested hanging out twice and he both times said he was studying (which also makes me feel a little rejected, even though i know it is a valid reason?) and I dont know how to get the power back and make him "work."
You can never be "irrelevant" to someone who's truly right for you, Nelly, no matter how much time has passed. I know it's not easy to think like this, to keep our own power and not give it away so easily, but with practice - lots of practice! - it does get easier and becomes a new mindset, a new way of thinking.
There's a freedom in letting go - for you, not for him or anyone else - but a freedom of knowing that when you let go, you give yourself the beautiful gift of allowing what is meant to be to happen naturally. Because it will, that's how love is. It allows someone who's truly right for you to find you, and you to be free for whoever that is - whether it be this guy, or someone else.
This is how you know that it's real, that it's genuine; when you let go enough to trust that either way, you'll know and it will be what is right for you!
I just want to say, Jane, that I love how you described the freedom in letting go....."...you give yourself the beautiful gift of allowing what is meant to be to happen naturally..." I just love that.
I'm so glad these words resonated with you, Kate. Thank you.
Hi Jane,
So, I've recently been doing some self-reflection after a I met this guy. We went on a date and it was (not to sound dramatic) but the best date I've ever been on. And not because im putting him on a pedastal... it just was a really good date. Anyways, he texted me that same night saying he had a great time and I said I did too we decided to meet up at a festival a few days later. In between he texted me everyday all day. So date 1 was weds, we met up on festival on saturday and then he texted me sunday morning too, just about randomness. But Im in medical school and hes in law school. I had a test monday and he is coming to the end of his year and so his entire grade is determined by this one test in a few weeks. This is a summary of our text convo:
Sunday afternoon
Me: I have a test tomorrow so I really have to study hard today (aka I wont be too available to text him all) but I had a great time the other night, maybe we can see each other again sometime soon?
Boy: Actually, Im in the exact same boat, Im literally going to be studying every waking moment I can until May. But yessss I do want to see you 🙂
Me: wellll im available Weds or Thurs
Boy: I have a research paper that I need to get finished by Friday, so if I do then Im down. Otherwise im locked down for a few days. :("
Me: Good luck on your paper! Let me know how it goes 🙂
Boy: Thank you. I will need it. I am screweeed for this. And I willlll
I know that was very detailed haha and Im probably overanalyzing, but he also posted a facebook status saying " i graciously and respectfully decline any invites, I need to go into a study hole so i dont fail, see everyone in May." It freaked me out! I thought I had met this great guy and he was just gonna forget about me. And I just rarely meet people that im actually interested in, especially with school taking up so much time. Its usually every weekend with my single female classmates "yeahhh lets go out to the bars and meet some boys!" and of course, nothing comes from it. ever.
My question to you is... is it weird that we were texting allll the time morning until night from a few days before our first date and a few days after, and now I havent heard from him (i mean its only been 2 days, but still)? And how long do you think it is appropriate for me to wait for him to contact me? For some reason, maybe its my past relationships, I have this inherent fear that even though he said he will contact me that he wont. Even though he asked me on a date, and then took me. Asked to meetup at festival and we did. Why dont i trust that he is just super busy and will text me when his tough week is over? It leads me to overanalyze everythinggg.
Second thing I wanted to mention is that... He will be living in this city for another 3 years, as will I. both for school. However, for the summer he will be in new york for an internship he told me about on our date. I might be here, i might go back home to california. I might be in new york for 1 week max for a wedding. But so he will be leaving in less than 2 months about (but apparently he will be studying in a cave for 1 of those so I dont think I would see him more than 1x a week, if that)..... how do I prevent us from "fizzling out" over the summer because we dont know each other well enough to keep it going long distance. or would we? No idea. I think thats part of the reason why im stressing about him contacting me, I want to get to know him as much as I can before he leaves. If I knew he was staying, I wouldnt feel any sense of urgency and would be more patient. But now i feel like i have a timeline, like we must have a certain amount of dates or reach a certain level in our dating before he leaves or else it will just fizzle out. Help! haha i need to relax but cant.
I so hear what you're saying here, Nelly. Why can't we trust that what's meant to be will be? That if he's interested enough that you even want him in your life, he'll contact you again? That he wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him? This is what we're so good at; overthinking and overanyalyzing everything, planning out our entire futures with someone because we had those wonderful first dates! I understand!
And it's because I understand what you're going through here so well that I want to make sure you see something else that's going on here. Because we go about this in such the wrong way. We base this all on someone we don't even know well enough yet to know if he's worth all this thinking about and planning. Instead of remembering what we bring to the table and how lucky he is to be with us, we falsely believe that it's completely up to us to make "it" happen - to make the "us" happen. Because underneath it all, we don't believe we're worth someone else making it happen, too, or that they'll even want to. And so we jump ahead and look at all the different factors like this, all the possible obstacles that might affect the "us" from happening, and we drive ourselves crazy trying to cover all our bases to make sure we don't miss anything that we can do to make it work. We don't see that it's not about us doing all this work, it's not about us making this happen on our own. It's not about us moving heaven and earth to create all the just right conditions so that everything will be in turnkey condition for him to simply walk on into our lives without having to do anything because we've paved the way smooth for him. Do you see what I'm saying here? And the reason why I say "we" here, is because it's not just you; it's almost every single one of us! We do this to ourselves time and time and time again. It's us - we do this to ourselves!
So here's what I've learned from doing the same thing more times than I'd like to admit; you have to shift your mindset. He's a human being just like you. He's not better than you. Realistically, all that you really know about him it that you had an amazing first date with him and a great week. There's so much more you need to get to know about him before you can confidently say that he's truly worthy of you and all that you are and all that you have to offer. That's the most important part, Nelly, because most of us forget that all too soon. So let's bring him back down to earth and remind yourself that he's probably pretty practical about his goals right now. He's got this all-important test coming up that could make or break his whole grade. And it's not just you he's telling this to, he's serious about it. So serious that he's telling everyone on Facebook about it. It's not just you! That really tells you how seriously he's taking his schooling and his career.
I know you want it to be all that - and I really do understand that - but let it be all that on its own. Don't try to make it all that or you're only going to drive yourself crazy in the process. Give him some work to do - men love that. Seriously, he knows everything you do and more because he knows himself and where he's at and what page he's on and what he's looking for. You, on the other hand, don't know that part yet. And if he's only looking for a casual relationship or someone to sleep with, if that's not what you want, then the two of you aren't on the same page, no matter how awesome that date and the festival were.
I'm as excited for you as you are, Nelly, really I am, I know what it's like to go to the same places over and over with your girlfriends and never find anyone you're truly interested in. But I've done this enough to know that keeping your head and focusing on the reality of what is, is the most loving, caring, compassionate thing you can do for yourself right now. It's really hard to come back when you jump so far ahead. Remember that you're already her; you're already this amazing woman who has so much to offer, you're already that amazing catch yourself - without proving anything or doing anything except being your beautiful true self. And the rest will fall into place as it's meant to. If he's there, if he wants what you want with you, great. I'll be so thrilled for you! But if he doesn't, I don't want to see you go through the heartbreak that happens all too often when we put all our eggs in one basket and give all our power away to a guy who wasn't there from the get-go. Because that happens all the time, in about every second letter I get from someone who forgets the prize she really is as soon as some incredible guy comes along with all the sparks flying all over the place until it fizzles out because she was the only one "feeling" it.
If it's meant to be, it will be. Because he'll want it to be as much as you do. So breathe. Look in the mirror at the beautiful woman known as you. You're the prize, you're the one with so much to offer, and so much to give. And if he's right for you, he'll see this too. Without you having to do anything except be you.
Thank you for this Jane,
I'm just coming out of a 3 year relationship with yet another man who thinks it's fine to shout at me and tells me it's all my stuff and not his! This pisses me off, because, I've actively been attending Al-Anon and reading the literature and trying to work the 12 step programme of recovery, for 9 years now!!!
It hurts so much that my thinking, right now is going from "Oh God! Maybe I'm more damaged than I thought, even with all the work I've already done on myself" to "I so deserve much better than this!" My self esteem is an issue I will always be dealing with and it feels difficult right now, but thanks to your articles and the other comments on here, I know I WILL find the strength to believe that I actually AM a wonderful woman, AS I AM, RIGHT NOW 🙂
As for love, I'm giving myself the love, hugs, kisses (on the back of my hand lol) attention and nurturing, that I've freely given to men all my life! It's time for me, and I know that everything is unfolding just as it's meant to.
Love to you all,
Donnaxxx
I'm so glad this is helping you see this relationship for what it is, Donna. And it's not something you deserve! You're getting all this, I can hear that beautiful confidence coming through in your words here, but it's a journey, it takes time to change our old ingrained beliefs, the old programming that we often don't often realize has been there all along. It is your time and everything is unfolding at exactly the time that's right for you!
My belief of love are these( that are holding me from love)
-all men in my family cheated on their wives. I know see , that is kind of weird and not healthy. Also women stayed.
When I would asked them , answer would be "ahhh all men do it, don take it so big" .
Sometimes I think, maybe it will happen to me too?
But the again it can't if I set clear boundaries . And if it happens I will deal with it then.
But still working on this.
- I know more who I am and what I appreciate in life. Will I ever meet a guy who likes
Me for me. Where I can just be me and breathe...
- I am not "pretty" enough, this is what I sometimes think.
Kind of a insecure feeling... Especially when I am naked in front of a mirror...
But I am dealing with these thoughts, because most of all I want a
Kind look towards myself. I know for sure that there is someone for me,
Who would appreciate and love me.
I just need to deal with these beliefs and as you said be more open.
Open so that what comes, I am going to take my responsibility & deal with it
With kindness and patience.
Bless you Jane.
"...because most of all I want a kind look towards myself." Love how you put this, Maris, because that's how someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved will look at you. With kindness, with love for exactly who you are. We forget to do this for ourselves all too often. You are always enough - more than enough! - for someone who is truly right for you.
Jane,,,, I'm going to Florida, ,; to see a old boyfriend, ,,, we have been talking a lot he still cares,,, I was in a bad place when we broke up. Not so much anymore,,, just stress,, lol. We will see. I believe in true love,,, I never had it in my marriage, thought I did,,, thoughtvhe love me,,, thought he was my life,,, NO he changed my life. I'm a better person because what I went thru. I learned you need to respect yourself, like/love yourself if your ever want a healthy relationship with a best friend or a lover/husband. I will always believe in love,,, and I will always share my love everyday of my life with a smile or a word of kindness. Love all you Gals,,, keep Believing
Love your perspective here, Cindy. It's always fascinating to see how what you can believe at the time - and what you realize after - can change your life if you're open to it. Thanks for sharing, and enjoy your adventure in Florida!