“If I know what love is, it’s because of you."
These are the words that are written on a simple but beautiful magnet on my refrigerator. When I first saw it, it brought home a truth that reached through to the core of me. It still does.
You see, back in my single days, regardless of what I appeared to have going for me on the surface, or how many people couldn't understand why someone like me was still single, the truth is that it’s never about what’s on the outside of us; it’s always about what’s on the inside.
Sure, externally I may have had what people thought was all you needed to not still be single – I had the look, the clothes, the job, the car, etc. Outwardly I seemed happy and outgoing.
But the reality was that inside was an entirely different story. I didn't even realize it until much later, but the truth, my truth, was that I really believed deep down inside that there was something wrong with me.
I believed that I was missing something that everyone else seemed to have, and somehow I didn't deserve to have the love that I so wanted.
It didn't matter how confident I came across on the outside, it didn't matter how together my life appeared to be. The reality of what I truly felt about myself and what I really believed was revealed by the type of men I was attracting and the type of men I found myself attracted to.
I could hide the truth from everyone around me, but I couldn't hide it where it mattered most.
And it’s the same for you.
It doesn't matter what you have or don’t have on the outside or what it seems like to anyone else. It’s all about you – the real you, underneath the external facade.
You may not even realize the details of your belief system. But that belief system is exactly what determines so much of who you are and what you do.
It quietly shows up in so many areas of your life, usually without you even noticing.
It determines what you see and how you see it, and it will bring you exactly what you believe to be true. It shows up in who you attract into your life and who you’re drawn towards.
But it doesn't have to.
When you see it, when you have that aha moment of clarity, it will seem so obvious.
But until then it’s anything but obvious.
You're probably thinking that you're doing everything right, but it's still not working.
I know because that's exactly what I used to think.
I can list out every single relationship I was in where the only way I knew to get through was to keep doing more of the same, to keep doing everything I thought I was doing that was so different but ended up being the same thing underneath every single time. I just couldn't see it at the time.
This is about your dream. It’s about your happiness. It’s about your life.
This isn't how life is meant to be lived, especially not your life.
This isn't what love is meant to feel like. This isn't how you’re meant to feel.
Soon there will come a time when you look at the men you've been (or still are) in relationships with, and you'll realize the truth of these words for you. But it won't happen until you try something different.
It’s your time. It’s your turn.
I'm here to help you, but I can’t do it without you.
Let's get there together.
It is so true. It is actually a little frightening to understand that I have been attracted to men who just simply can't decide to be there for just one woman. Men who seem so outgoing and "cool" on the outside but who are full of sadness and anger. The only difference between them and me that I can find is that I do want just one man and I am able to just focus on one. For the rest, I am a little embarrassed to admit, I have been exactly the same: I seem outgoing and fun on the outside, tough cookie. But on the inside I have been carrying around a deep sadness abd fear all my life. I just hadn't looked into that before. I hadn't realized I carry that because even though my parents are wonderful they couldn't love me the way I deserved to. So I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me and that I had to work hard to get love. Our society just reconfirms all thoae destructive thoughts because of the way it is wired. It took the last gut wrenching heartbreak I am still trying to come out of for me to want to find out why I always failed at finding a man who loves me and is reliable. The road to self discovery is long and confusing, not to mention painful. But I am sure it is worth it. It is hard to find the core reasons why we do damage to ourselves and to look at them as they truly are. It is quite a lot to digest. I am now trying to take it one day at a time, to breathe and just trust my own self to get me to my own happiness. Some days I faulter, some days sadness comes back but that is ok. I welcome it, and I thank it for it has shown me what I needed to see. I am dedicated to slowly but surely provide love and acceptance to my own self. Little by little I will recognize how important and valuable and beautiful I am. Against all odds.
And you are, Angel! Not only against all odds; because of those very odds that have made you the beautiful, strong woman you are today!
Hey Jane!
Brilliant, as usual...
I want to let you know that I come frequently to your awesome blog for empowerment in the love field, because I believe in true love... The one you talk about here...
THANK YOU so much for your amazing articles that are about being our authentic selves, and therefore atrracting an authentic, true love...
I have a question for you:
What if I don´t think there is anything wrong with me- except that I´m not perfect ; ) - yet people can´t understand why I´m not married, with kids.. It beats me, too ; )
In other words, what if that lingering feeling is something external and not internal?
Notes to the question:
- The question comes up when I´m dating, and guys can´t understand... They say what they told you, Jane...
- Like you say, I´m on my journey, as is everybody else; and I am extremely happy on it.
- I just wonder how I can help change people´s mindsets about journeys, age, and many other assumptions...
I think anything is possible with the power of the now and the faith that things can change any moment!
P.S. Congratulations on your upcoming course! I love it already!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Monica! I'm so glad this resonated with you. My thought to your question is that it's about accepting the culture we live in and the mindset of that culture that we're a part of, whether we want to be or not. Change happens slowly for most people, so the reality is that we're not going to change these questions - or these external thoughts - overnight, but over time, the more people see that you can be happy and on your own journey without having our culture's limited definition of happiness and success, the less this external pressure will be.
But until then, the most important thing is to be confident of your own choices, of where you are and the life you've created for yourself. We all have our doubts sometimes, we all have our regrets - it's all a part of being human! - but when we can stay true to ourselves and remember that we only answer to ourselves, it helps keep us strong. And it's in that strength that we become more sure of who we are, and of the lives we're creating on our own terms, for ourselves. You're always the one doing the choosing, Monica, and the only person you ultimately answer to is you. It goes back to that tendency we have to please everyone else; it can be so ingrained, but again, the reality is, it's not about them - our lives are not about making them happy or more comfortable - it's about you! 🙂
PS You're so sweet, Monica; thank you! 🙂
Hi Jane,
Thank you for the mail. It is scarry though that I was just thinking about this.
About my path & the discovery of my childhood and the past.
In some ways it has build me and my belief system.
I tried these two years finding love & I found more love for me. Not aware that I was looking
for me & creating my own life. I must say I learned a lot even if I am not in love with a man right now as we speak.
I just cried and accepted again that I have no man to love me(my ex is definitely out of the picture). But at a point I am grateful because I see now
that is not important. It is that I accept and show love to myself first.
So I have decided to keep reading your blogs and do some research within my heart and mind.
I feel spiritually connected and feel like I am on a adventure.
But I keep getting that little voice that I can not do something or that I am not worthy of true love.
Started to red the Book in English and doing these exercises, which are sometimes rough!:
Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self Sarah Ban Breathnach & Sarah Ban Breathnach
And then this email came, this article... What is underneath.
It was like a little push in my back to take the next step!
Isn't that a miracle ! You are Jane like an Angel, as I told u many times! haha
So I have decided to break my patterns, my blind spots. I am spiritual but this time I am going to have a
conversation to a therapist and speak about these ''underneath issues''. And see what comes up from underneath .
Although I am a little bit scared, I am going to do it!
Thank you! Bless you!
Wow, Maris; I love hearing from you, hearing about your "coincidences" that are anything but, and about this beautiful journey you're on. Layer by layer, one step at a time, we get down to the root, to the inner layers that lay hidden for so long, waiting for the right time - when you're ready and not a moment sooner - to discover all that you truly are and what needs to be lifted away so you can see for yourself what you really have and why you are the only one who holds the key to discovering this for yourself.
I am thrilled that you're going to take this step, to talk to a therapist, to find and release the you, the life, the love that is all yours to see for yourself. I love that book, I'm so glad you mentioned it again. It is one that I identified with some truth on every page and I still find myself going back to it for some inspiration along my own path.
Thanks for sharing, Maris. You're getting all this, in your own time, in your own way, on the path that's uniquely yours to walk!