Ah, the high price we pay for someone to take care of us.
Because we think we need someone to take care of us. But the truth is, we don’t.
The crazy thing is that we've been taking care of everyone else for most of our lives, but for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we’ll put up with too much, way too much, if he'll just take care of us.
Please, just take care of me. Do it all for me. Tell me what I need to do to be with you so you’ll just take care of me, please!
You’re forgetting something so important here; the price you’re paying for being taken so well care of on the surface is not worth the price you’re paying with your soul!
Ah, you say...but he takes care of me.
He buys me things. He makes sure I’m all set.
Girls, there's an important point here. He’s not your daddy. He’s not supposed to take care of you like that.
It’s about taking care of each other; a shared experience of taking care of each other. That means both of you.
Do you see the difference? Because if you don’t, it really matters and you’re not going to attract anything different until you see that a relationship is not about Prince Charming coming to your rescue (as if you even need to be rescued – trust me, you don’t), taking care of you financially and materially, buying you things, getting you all set up.
No.
That’s what a daddy does; but your guy is not your daddy!
As much as you need your daddy to do these things and maybe he did and maybe he didn't. Chances are, your dad did the best he could with what he knew about being a dad. But chances are also that he came up short and you didn't get what you needed from him.
And that’s why many of us are looking for a father figure.
The reality is that looking for a father figure in your guy and choosing someone based on that subconscious need to find someone who can fulfill that need is not going to get you your dream guy.
Why it’s a problem
Just because our own dad wasn't there for us in the way we needed him to be doesn't mean that our need for that goes away. Needs don’t go away just because there’s no one there to meet that need; they just get buried deep down inside. And then they resurface when we’re in a situation where we might have a chance at getting that need met this time.
It’s often why we find ourselves attracted to older men. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re not finding yourself in a relationship with something who’s so much older that it’s out of balance. Like if he’s older and acting like he’s the dad and you’re younger and the daughter. Read: he’s taking care of you and you’re on the begging end without a whole lot of say in the relationship because you’re younger and he’s taking care of you and you’re the one being taken care of and it’s not healthy.
You see, we can be pretty convincing that we need someone to take care of us like that, someone who makes us feel like they love us by how well they take care of us, but the reality is that usually there’s a lot of control that goes along with that kind of care taking.
And one-sided living. And calling the shots.
And usually we feel pretty small. Like the term little woman. And big daddy.
Yeah, those might be jokes, but they can be pretty real and telling if we take a closer look at the relationships we've gotten ourselves into.
We can take care of ourselves
This isn't the dark ages; we’re not living in a time where women can’t vote, get a job, make a living, have a life, get ahead, make something of themselves.
We can do what ever we want to do and we can do it without a man! Do you hear that? You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. It’s what you choose to make of it.
You can keep waiting, hoping, praying for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to find yourself in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own.
But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you.
Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be? Because you can. They just forgot to tell you one of the most important things: you can only do anything, be anything, achieve anything. As long as you believe that you can. That’s the difference between the girl that's holding out for someone to come along and make it all better and the one who really gets it and knows she can create her own happiness in her own life. And that’s exactly who you are.
So start creating your happiness!
I think it's dangerous to have the "take care of me attitude" because often the time you end up forcing your partner to make all the decisions, and the more someone makes decisions for you - the more you lose your own voice & self-confidence.
So true, Alex. And it's that loss of your own voice and your own self-confidence that is the most damaging of all.
I also feel as you mentioned above because he is older i often fall into the victim role. Is there any hope for this relationship i just dont know what to do
Clou Only you can make life decisions for yourself. Your therapist will help you identify what is going on in your life, but only you can decide what you will actually do. It is called taking responsibility for our own actions. You are responsible for your own happiness. It has nothing to do with things or money. Nor is it achieved by doing what someone else tells you to do. Happiness comes from inside out. You cannot be made happy by someone or something outside of yourself. People can be nice to you, but if you feel sad, you will still be sad. Work things out with your therapist and put yourself first. When you take responsibility of your own actions, you will feel empowered and assured. There is no reason for you to be a victim.
Thank you- i know i must sound like i am moaning.
I think what i am trying to say is although i understand that no one outside myself can make me happy the relationship seems to be the biggest thing that drains all my energy and makes me feel this way. BUT i don’t know if that is down to my insecurities and im scared to let it go in case i am making a mistake.
If i was an emotionally stable person maybe the relationship could work. Or maybe the relationship is unhealthy and is causing my insecurities and low self esteem. I just don’t know which way round it is.
Thank you for all your help and advice. xx
One step at a time, Clou. And it's ok if you have to moan along the way! Remember that you don't have to understand it all, that you don't have to know everything about the why - as much as we always want to. You're on your way; you've got help, you've got support. That's huge!
Firstly i love your site- so much brilliant information.
I am struggling with the same thing myself. I have a decision to make and quite quickly whether i want to continue with my relationship. A little bit of background information..
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. Didn’t start very well as he was still messaging other girls. When i found out her promised he wouldn’t do it again (and he hasn’t) However that led to me mistrusting him, feeling second best, having the WORST self esteem. We ended up going to counselling for it- he did want to go to as he said he wanted to make the relationship work.
But 3 years in things just aren’t 'right'. We live together and happily too. But i am just not content. I still worry, dont feel secure, when we argue i go crazy and clingy and looking back i cannot believe the tears i have cried over the relationship. I feel his job and career are his priority and although he loves me i just don’t think enough. I have never once felt he was madly in love with me. He treats me very well- cares for me, cooks for me etc.
But i just dint feel like he is crazy for me- and every girl wants that right? Even from the beginning everything has been forced, i love you didnt come naturally, talking about the future didn’t come naturally, moving in didn’t come naturally. I still get jealous and worry about trusting him, often checking his phone etc.
Even good times all seem to be have been ruined by arguments, me feeling not good enough and honestly looking back at the past 3 years i have had some of the unhappiest times of my life.
But i love him i want to make it work. But the truth is are we too different?
Finally just to get to why i am now in this dilemma…He made a silly investment with money and i supported him 100% financially and emotionally. Things went very wrong and he continued to give more money. I asked him to go home and tell his family (as a act of tough love) to show him this needed to stop. I told him anymore money and i couldn’t continue (as he has also used my funds too). And he did. So i was very upset and hurt and 2 weeks in he has shown nothing to prove he is sorry. Texts saying we need to talk but no real effort to sit me down. When i asked him what his priority was- he said sorting the money out.
Now i know if i asked him to come home tomorrow he would. However he has made no really effort to sort things between us. Surely if he wanted to make a mends so much he would fight for me and us?
I know this is long i just need some insight,. I feel my whole life is so clouded with this relationship and i feel this could be a good time to break free and move on. Break free from the constant worrying, feelings of not being 'special' or enough. I just need to reiterate he doesn’t do anything specific to make me feel like this- he treats me very well, spends time with me , makes me very much a part of his life.
He looks after me!! He cooks, cleans and does treat me very well.
But i just don’t think he is as committed as me. If i left i know deep down he wouldn’t fight. I cannot tell you how much time I have spent over analyzing the relationship, looking through advice forums. I know he thinks I worry too much. Do you think its me? Is this my insecurity issue?
There's a huge difference between being taken care of in the beautiful way that naturally happens when two people are on the same page and looking for the same thing, and being taken care of as someone's way of keeping you happy on the surface while they're living their own lives doing whatever they want without caring about you in the ways that matter.
It sounds like you have some things to sort out about yourself first and foremost, Clou, about what you're looking for from someone you're in a relationship with. When we come to a relationship with our cups empty, with so many of our own issues needing to be healed and we look to someone else outside of ourselves to fix it and make it all better for us, we can place expectations on another human being that aren't realistic, let alone possible. It's not that there's anything wrong with having these needs in the first place, it's that we may need to take a step back and look at all the ways we can get these needs met outside of putting them all on one person or one thing.
We may need some individual therapy from someone who can go through the details of our specific situation to help us make this shift, especially if we're having a hard time seeing this for ourselves. But once we understand that no one can take away our anxieties, calm our fears or make us feel special if we don't first do this for ourselves, we come to see that all important truth that there is no one responsible for our happiness except us. That's the part so many of us miss when we put all on eggs in one basket - on one person - and expect them to rescue us instead of coming along side us and being equals in a relationship that's meant to be about two people taking care of each other in a loving, healthy, balanced kind of way.
See what happens to how you view your relationship and this man, Clou, when you fill your own cup so full of the things that make you happy, that inspire you, that motivate you, that bring you joy and give you a beautiful sense of your true self and all that you are and all that you have to offer. Surround yourself with loving supportive people that are also on your page and bring you up instead of down. Get involved in the activities and hobbies and groups and causes you're passionate about that give you a sense of purpose and so many places to share the many things that only you can offer in your own unique way.
Something beautiful happens when we create a life like this, where we can become confident of what we bring to the world - and to our relationships - and where we no longer seek that feeling we're looking for that only exists within ourselves. We take the pressure off everyone. We let everyone be their own person. We stop trying to make someone do something different. We become free to be ourselves and allow everyone else around us to be their full human selves as well. Life gets easier. But sometimes we have to get out of our own way first, to see all that we really have for ourselves.
Thank you for your advice.
I am currently seeing a therapist and have been for the past 3 months. I just don’t know what makes me happy in life. I am not 'unhappy' but i am not particularly happy either. I often look at others and wish my life was more like theirs. I just do not feel complete, i never feel motivated and don’t know what i want to get out of life- i don’t know what makes me happy (including my relationship).
Sometimes i need to leave my relationship and move away/go travelling. But i can’t bring myself to do it as i don’t want to lose the relationship. I think for the past 3 years i have got into this cycle of an unhealthy relationship and it has destroyed my self esteem and confidence even more. It makes me so unhappy.
Is there any hope or way out?
You're not alone here, Clou. We've all been there at one time or another in our lives, questioning ourselves, questioning our decisions and the choices we've made and feeling so lost. It's wonderful that you've sought out counseling because that's how you're going to figure this out, by seeking help and being open to seeing what comes up for you in this process, in this journey of finding your way.
As far as if there's any hope or a way out, you're really the only person who can answer that, Clou. You have to ask yourself what it's all worth to you, what this relationship is worth to you, since you're the only one who really knows what you need here and what you're looking for. Trust yourself, trust your intuition, and trust that gentle nudging that keeps reminding you of who you are and how much you have to offer. Deep down you have your answers, and the counseling that you are seeking will help you to uncover those answers. By continuing to question, to ask, to seek, to be open to the help that's being offered to you, you have the support along the way to discover what's been there all along.
There's always hope, Clou, as long as you believe it - as long as you believe in you! - it's always there for you.