Our dear friend, Cara, is wondering how to get out of the friends with benefits situation she's found herself in, and be more than just a booty call to him.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
I found your website few months ago and it is amazing and full of great information. I was wondering if you could help me figure out a man problem I am having?
Last year I met a man and we went on few great dates which lead to great sex but soon after that I noticed he would only come over late and only to have sex.
I talked to him and told him I wasn't looking for a "booty call" and he told me that he is interested in me but that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I kept on seeing him and eventually I realized that he will never want a relationship with me so I agreed to friends with benefits thing.
Recently he told me that he liked me at first but because our relationship turned into sleepovers only he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend material.
He knows I like him and we decided to be friends but as you can imagine I am having trouble being just friends.
I know this sounds crazy but I am heart broken and I want to know if there is anything at all I can do to make him not see me as "booty call" only?
I understand that the best thing for me is to not be friends with him and move on but I am scared. Please help!
Thank you,
Cara
My Response:
Dear Cara,
I’m so glad you’re here and you’re getting something out of my website.
It doesn't sound crazy to me, Cara.When we settle for a friends with benefits relationship with someone who isn't on the same page, who is content to have all the benefits of being with us without the commitment that we want from them, we become involved in a way that breaks our hearts and leaves us feeling so much worse about ourselves.
Instead of being single and available for someone who is on the same page and is looking for the same thing you are – with you! – instead, you are left with the lingering doubts and fears that you aren't worth anything more than this because you have a constant reminder that you’re not good enough for him to want anything more than this.
It becomes part of our psyche and our self-esteem and self-confidence feel the effects the longer we continue on with these terms – his terms - even as we continue to try to convince ourselves it’s better than nothing and he’s worth it to keep him in our lives, to be with someone – with him – than being alone.
But as much as we try to convince ourselves of this, we’re not fooling our deepest selves because we know we’re not meant to live like this.
And you know this.
As much as you think he’s worth it, as much as you believe being with him on some level is better than not being with him on any level, deep down inside you know you’re not made for this.
Listen to what he’s really saying here when he told you that he liked you at first but he stopped seeing you as girlfriend material because your relationship turned into sleepovers. Now he’s turning the tables on you, my beautiful friend.
You’re not to blame here for why he isn't able to give you more than this; this is about him, not you.
But you’re not going to change him.
As much as you believe that remaining in his life on his terms to show him all that you are and all that you have to offer is going to convince him of your worth and make him want to choose you, this isn't how it happens. He has to come to this himself. He has to want to.
He has no reason to do anything different because he gets to have all of you – on his terms – without having to do anything in return. He has it so good!
The reality is, Cara, that the only way to change this, the only thing you can do to make him see you as something other than a booty call, is to refuse to be one.
How do you do this?
You define what your own terms are. You have to first be confident about what you can and can’t live with.
- What are you willing to settle for?
- What are you not willing to settle for?
- Can you really be just friends with him?
- Can you really be just friends with benefits with him?
Be honest with yourself here. You’re not going to be able to be strong enough with him unless you’re first strong with yourself. You have to know where you stand and be able to back it up knowing that you’re worth it and you do deserve more than what you’re getting here!
You believe his terms. When he says he’s not ready for a relationship right now that means he’s not ready for a relationship right now and he doesn't know when – or if – he ever will be.
It means he doesn't want to be convinced, he doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't want anything more than he’s getting right now from you. And the only way to interpret this is to take every word at face value and believe him. This is where he’s at.
You let your actions speak louder than your words. So you've let him know that you’re not OK with the way things are. You communicate with him by telling him that you want more than what you've been getting, and then you don’t back down because you know you’re worth more than this. And then you let your actions show him that you mean what you say and you don’t fall back into your old relationship with him.
You only accept dates with him that involve going somewhere other than your place or his. You don’t accept just going over to his place or him coming over to yours. It’s way too tempting to keep doing more of the same if you’re in the same place where it’s all too easy to give into the heat of the moment and do what you've gotten so used to be doing. You’re not trying to make this harder on yourself; your goal is to make it easier.
I know why you’re scared, Cara.
You already know what his response will be. You already sense what’s going to happen here if you stand up for what you want and refuse to let him use you like this.
You know you’re probably going to lose him.
And that’s scary when you feel like he’s everything to you right now. Know that you’re not alone in feeling like this; almost every single one of us have been here in some shape or form.
But what I want you to understand is that greater than this fear, should be the fear that by settling for this, you’re going to be wasting your beautiful you on someone who’s not on your page, who isn't compatible with you no matter how much you want to believe he is.
You can’t live your life based on someone’s potential, waiting for someone to come around and be all that you think he can be.
What matters here is the reality of what is, not the fantasy of what you so want it to be. The choice is always yours, Cara. This is always your very own personal decision that no one can make for you.
I hope this helps, and I hope it helps to know that we're here for you.
Love,
Jane
Any other thoughts, advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Cara? Share them with us in the comments!
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