Our dear friend, Bri, has, like so many of us, been through plenty of relationships with the wrong kinds of men who wouldn't commit or cheated on her, leaving her with a bit of all-too-familiar (and very understandable) emotional baggage. She's now in a healthy relationship with a great guy, but finds that she's putting her walls up because she's afraid of getting hurt again. Please help her out with any words of encouragement or suggestions you may have.
Her letter:
I should start out by saying I am That Girl. The one who always jumps head first into relationships with men who don't want a commitment. As a result, I have abandonment issues and insecurities. I've been cheated on in every relationship I've had since I was 18 and have been in a number of emotionally abusive relationships though never a physically abusive one.
Back in August, I met a great man at a friend’s house and we started dating. We hit it off and all my friends say it’s the healthiest relationship they've seen me in. He’s very open, honest and just as affectionate with me as I am with him. We became exclusive in early October and we expressed our love for the first time in mid-December.
The whole relationship has been easy and I have not struggled with ANY of my insecurities with him. We just seem to fit so perfectly, we have the same interests, we are both incredibly social, we are both affectionate and have been on equal ground for how often we want to see each other… this is the first time I've been with someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.
Then the holidays arrived and he went back home to his home state for two weeks. My abandonment issues crept up on me while he was gone at no fault of his.
He was still the same person I met and we talked every day, but it became apparent to me that the reason I have been so secure and comfortable with him is because I've been receiving confirmation that he was in this for real through his physical presence and our mutual affection and enjoyment of spending time WITH each other.
He got back on the 5th and nothing has changed on his end. He’s still the same person I’ve fallen in love with over the past five months, but I found that during the 2 weeks he was gone, I had started to put a wall up to protect myself and I’m having trouble knocking it back down again. I've somewhat pulled away and have been trying to spend time away from him in an attempt to make it so I won’t miss him like that again, but all that really accomplishes is making me miss him more because I love being around him.
I’m so angry with myself because he has done nothing wrong and has not changed in any way to deserve my reservations… they are purely self-preservation based off fear of past experiences. I don’t want to punish him for my baggage and I do not want to lose him because of what others have done to me and my inability to compartmentalize. I've mentioned a few things here and there as conversation has led to it about previous relationships, but I have not told him anything in depth because I don’t want to dump on him or make him feel like he has to atone for the wrongs of other men... especially since we've only been dating since August.
I’m not used to someone who is good at communication and I find myself bottling things up inside and trying to deal with them on my own because I’m not sure what I can/can’t say at this stage. I've never been in a healthy relationship before and I really don’t want to end up making this one unhealthy because I may have been ill-equipped to deal with him being gone for 15 days.
What should I do? Do I tell him what exactly I’m going through or continue to try to deal with it on my own…? Any help you could give would be much appreciated.
My Response:
I want to start out by saying that you aren't That Girl.
That may have been your story in the past when you were treated in ways that didn't honor and respect and value the special little girl you were and the beautiful woman you became, but your past doesn't define you.
You are not damaged, and there is nothing wrong with you. The fears you have around abandonment and the feelings of insecurity that are so familiar to you are realities that you've experienced as a result of what has happened so far, but the fact that you can see your triggers, the fact that you understand why you have these feelings and how this has affected who you've found yourself attracted to in the past is huge. Be so proud of yourself for being open (and willing!) to see the reasons behind what you're feeling, but now see the reality that is true right now.
See how far you've come! You've attracted someone into your life who is different than all the others and you're now in the healthiest relationship you been in. The two of you found each other because you were looking for each other. You were ready for each other, and so you did.
But of course, it makes sense, that we also bring ourselves with us to each and every new relationship, which includes all of our past baggage and the resulting emotions and insecurities. You're so not alone here.
And so it makes sense that everything was going smoothly with how you were feeling until this trigger set your old familiar pattern of dealing with this in motion. Suddenly he's not physically there, so even though the reason is different from the past reasons, and even though he's different, you feel it as though it's happening exactly as it happened before.
Those old all-too familiar alarm bells go off as you find yourself falling back on those old familiar feelings that accompanies this trigger; he's going to repeat the pattern of the past and leave you just like the rest. Your worst fears come out, and the very worst fear of all that underlies those fears: The fear that you're not good enough, you're not worth someone like this, you don't deserve someone like this.
But none of these are true, and they only come from that dark place within that hasn't had a chance to come out and see the light yet.
When you acknowledge these feelings behind your fears, Bri, you can see them for what they really are: lies that we've bought into that we're still believing about ourselves on some level. You can bring them into the light so you can call them into question, you can let them go once and for all.
They are not you. They are not about you. They don't define you.
They're simply about a story about a girl, about a woman that used to believe they were true. The reality is they're not true. These fears aren't you. They don't define you. They don't define your worth. They're simply not true. It's a perception issue, not a worthiness issue. You're so much more than these thoughts that have been allowed to create this fear, this insecurity, this feeling in you.
This new man that you're with knows you well enough to know that he wants to be with you. He likes being with you. In fact, he loves being with you. He's even told you this - not just by saying the words, but also by showing you by how he is with you and how he treats you.
Don't be angry with yourself; don't beat yourself up here for how you're feeling. It's natural to feel triggered like this, but what's different this time is that you can choose to refuse to do anything about it. You can refuse to go down that path of retreating into your self-protection mode because of what's happened in the past.
This isn't your past. This is your new reality right now.
Whether or not you choose to share with him what you're experiencing or go into more detail about your past is really up to you and what benefit you feel will come from this. He knows enough about where you've been that you certainly don't need to share with him anymore of this, but it's ultimately up to you. Not because you can't or because you shouldn't, but because it's about a different time, in a different place, in a different pattern that isn't about him. It's actually not about you either, not the you that you are now. Because if you've read my post on exactly this, You're Already Her, you just need to remember this for yourself when you're tempted to fall back on the old familiar triggers and patterns.
Know that you're not alone here, Bri. When I first met the man who would become my husband, after he told me he loved me, I felt some of those same old familiar insecurities crop up from my own abandonment issues and I found myself calling my mom on more than one occasion so she could help reassure me by asking me the questions that I already knew the answers to, that would help to restore my confidence in me, in this new person who wasn't anything like the past ones.
It was in that balance of calling into question what I knew to be true of the new reality of this new relationship with this new person, that I was able to see on my own the reality of what is now, not what was in the past.
That's the difference that matters!
I hope this helps with a little outside perspective, Bri. Know that you are so not alone in going through this, and there is so much love and support for you as you create the new story of your beautiful life. This love you've found is exactly what you deserve and nothing less!
Love,
Jane
What do you think Bri should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
I just stumbled upon this post today. So while I'm completely late to the discussion, I hope this can bring a different insight to things. I don't know Bri, but my girlfriend might as well be her. I'm the man in the situation - the one who loves my girl firstly, - and yes sees that some issues are there, but loves her completely and would do anything for her. I knew my girl had some of these fears fairly early on I suppose. Little ways I guess just made it apparent to me. Not to mention the fact that I'm significantly older than she, so perhaps I've got the benefit of experience when it comes to seeing things that aren't necessarily said out loud.
These last 2 months have been a test for us. This is a young woman who's seen a thing or two already in life - and it hasn't painted a rosey picture. I think she has a very clear understand of what love is and what love looks and feels like - I don't know if she thinks she deserves it though. But she does, absolutely. She is amazing...and I'm not one who's impressed that often. She has a young daughter from a previously emotionally (and I believe physically to an extent) abuaove relationship. He lives nearby and I think that sets off certain actions in her as well with respect to me. I've never met him - though I would, but I can tell we are polar opposites. I've said "I love you", about 9 or 10 months into our dating. She's yet to say it. And I'm ok with that because I know what she comes from. I didn't say it to get a reply - I said it because it's how I felt then and how I feel now. But I'm very careful not to say it often. Firstly because I think my actions show it, and second, because I don't know how it makes her feel. So I don't want to scare her off.
This is a woman who was pregnant, on her own, at 18. Who was homeless and living in a shelter, away from her family (I don't know why that was, as eventually she lived with her family for over a year after the child was born). Her father and mother are divorced though she loves them both and is in touch with both (she lived with her mom and her new husband until recently). A few months ago she decided it was time to get a place of her own. And she did - without asking me for help, by working a lot and putting money away. But money is tight and she's not really furnished it much. I've since stepped in to help with some things here and there - and have told her how completely proud I am of her for getting this on her own. I know it makes her uneasy when I do these things, because she's not used to it. On the flip side it makes me happy to do it for her because I know she really appreciates it. I am trying to be careful though and not do too much too soon. It's a tightrope sometimes.
I've noticed though since moving she's been much more distant. We really haven't had a date since, and she's been dealing with some family strife with a sibling that she's reluctant to talk about. I'm a talker - I've learned in life that even though the problems may not be solved then and there, that talking helps. She's an "I'm fine" or a "I don't want to talk about it" type. I wish she would open up but I also respect her privacy. I think some of the family issues make her self conscious. But I've seen a lot in life, though you wouldn't know that to look or speak to me, and whatever it is she will always have my support. She hasn't learned yet that sometimes you gotta put the luggage down to get on the plane. Not every piece is carry on. I hope one day she learns that.
So the plans we have made since she moved have always been cancelled for one reason or another - sometimes it's her daughters father coming by and stirring up nonsense, sometimes it her family issues,, etc. I won't lie, I have gotten annoyed by this and expressed it to her a couple of times. I expressed how it was frustrating, how it's hurtful and how it's taking my time, which I place high value in, for granted. But what I won't do is let it ruin us. What she needs, I think, to see from me is consistency and a willingness to express myself, good or bad, without leaving her. My feelings haven't changed and won't change, I fell in love with this woman and that's not something I enter into lightly. What I pray though is that just like she knows and has even acknowledged how she is (things fall apart, someone leaves,nothing good happens to her, etc), she takes the cues from me on good emotional communication, and understands that she has to put in some work too. I think she thinks she doesn't deserve someone like me, I think she deserves even better, but I'd be honored to get the chance to better myself with her next to me.
So anyway thanks for all that space to share my story.
I hope this helped you to share, Aj. Thank you for adding to the conversation. I'm sure it will help others to see the other side of this as well. You've got such a deep sense of what's going on for her - make sure you don't lose sight of what's going on for you. You deserve an equal relationship of give and take, too!
Bri, , you are one of a kind,,,your special, I love you, God Loves You. Take all the negativity away,,, get out of your life. You need to write down all the positives in life, and work on loving yourself, if you don't have that, no relashioship won't work.
First l wan to say I have great respect for Jane and her wisdom. My thoughts are as follow in brief:
1. The past does not define you. Fears from past hurts are entirely understandable, but they can and will sabotage a relationship when we give in to them. You are doing a great job of recognizing that you past hurt may influence your new relationship. Give yourself (and your boyfriend) more time to develop trust based upon your experiences together and believe in yourself. You have complete control over you! Please remember fears we have from our past only have the power we allow.
2. Take real stock of all your many wonderful qualities. When you love and truly appreciate the amazing woman you are your fears will begin to vanish. Often fears develop very early in our lives. Create a different self view. Realize that you are a very different woman today than you were at any time before. You can choose how you wish to grow and evolve and bring your wisdom from past experiences to your present relationships instead of the "baggage" and pain from the past. Sometimes when we don't fully love and believe in ourselves we will choose partners and friends that mirror our own poor self image. Our pain and fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like you are well on your way to moving past that old pattern. Believe in yourself! You so deserve that and no matter what happens in your new relationship you will be just fine (and he will likely never want to lose you because you will BOTH appreciate your worth.
3. Great relationships involve sharing ourselves with another and giving of our hearts and lives without seeking validation or approval to feel "safe" in the relationship or for borrowed self worth. If you love and value yourself you will set healthy boundaries and you will opt-out when someone crosses the line (cheats, etc.). Bing your best self into your relationships and no (good) man who loves you will want abuse your trust or leave the relationship.
You have come a long way! Congratulations! Trust yourself. Relax. Know that you are amazing and dare to enjoy every moment without preconceived ideas (or worries) of the outcome--it will reveal itself in time. Wishing you great happiness.
Girl! Tell him that you missed him those 15 days that he was gone, and that you don't ever want him to be away without you that long ever again!!!!
I agree with all the things you said, Jane. Bri should embrace her new reality and be happy, because she deserves all that is good.
And so do every single one of us!
The love you've found is something I only dream of. So your lucky. He is too:)
You have to try to kill those insecurities because they can pose problematic to your relationship. You may start acting out in ways that he is not use to and invite unnecessary issues. For me personally, self help books always help. Also finding othet outlets that remind you of your value can be helpful, for example: volunteering for a passionate cause and taking a leadership role. Little things like this are self boosters. You need to be confident in how your man feels about you even when you don't get reassurance. The relationship is pretty fresh. 5 months is still early, meaning you guys may have not been yet tested with the relationship. You need to be strong for when that moment comes. These insecurities will only manifest in full if you don't deal with it now.
This is still honeymoon phase so enjoy it and don't let the behavior of past men steal away your current joy. What you have is beautiful
Bri, Jane is spot on! Her thoughts are perfect. Please leave your insecurities based on your past experiences in the past. They are over. You seem to have found a wonderful, equal partner. Bringing negativity into a healthy relationship could be hurtful to what you have together. Share your concerns with your girlfriends!!! That's what we are for!!! Your new man is not the one you should be relying on to alleviate what is troubling you, especially regarding other relationships. Enjoy your new found love together and don't look back!!!