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The Biggest Regret

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A large red sign against a background of blue sky reads: regrets."The biggest regret I have is letting people stay in my life longer than they deserve" (author unknown).

I read this quote the other day and it hit home with me on a whole new level.  Whether it's men who clearly weren't on the same page as me or friends who were no longer behaving like friends, if there was one single thing I would have done differently, it was this.

And yet, if you're anything like me, how do you know when it's been enough time? How do you really know when it's been too long? Because you have such a beautiful, loving, giving, understanding heart, you know all too well just how good it could be because it shows so much potential. And so you have such a hard time knowing when it's time to move on let someone out of your life. After all, what if, you wonder?

You've already invested so much.

It comes down to you, again. That theme is always there, isn't it? Because that's the beauty of this. Yes, it's you allowing this again. Allowing yourself to go there, to believe it can still be different this time with him. Allowing yourself to believe his excuses, to forgive him yet again, to see past the obvious to what only you seem to be able to see. To be so understanding. But because you're the one allowing this, you are also the one who can set your boundaries and draw that line in the sand on what you are no longer willing to allow. You are in control here.

You are no longer the victim.

When he won't commit, when he doesn't call, when he all but disappears, when he treats you that way, when you put him on that pedestal and put yourself so far beneath him that you can't see the truth anymore.

This is you choosing him. This is you not choosing you.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

If he won't commit, and you want a commitment, what about this works for you?

If he doesn't call – or text, or communicate with you in whatever way he said he would – could it be you have your answer from the silence?

If he all but disappears, why do you have to make this about you? He's the one who disappeared.

If he's treating you in a way that doesn't honor or respect or show you he loves you, why are you choosing to allow yourself to be treated like this?

No one deserves to be put on a pedestal. We are equals regardless of what gender we are, how intelligent we are, how beautiful or handsome we are, how "together" we are, what we do for a living, how much money we make, what kind of car we drive, how educated we are … I could go on and on.

When you're ready, in your own time, let him know it's your time. It's not his time anymore. You can always keep living like this, it's always your choice, my beautiful friend, but if there's one common thread that unites this entire community, it's the one that says it's your turn. Your choice. Your life. Your turn. Find that strong voice within you. See what she's capable of. See what she can do. She's there, just waiting her turn. Don't disappoint her.

Show her the life she was born to live!

Is It Time to Give Up?

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A beautiful blond woman is watching the hourglass wondering if she should continue waiting for a commitment or if it's time to give up.Dear Jane,

I started seeing a guy a little over a year ago, we have both been divorced about two years, I was married for 18 years and he was for 17 years, we both have one child, that are about a year apart in age, we live in different cities, about 45 minutes apart.

When we first started dating after about two months, he broke it off because he said (famous words of all men) he wasn't ready for what he thought I wanted, a serious relationship. After about a month ( i knew he would be back) he started calling me again, so we started dating again, we never talked about the "serious relationship" thing.

We have such a wonderful time together, although that time is very limited due to our schedules with our kids, maybe once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I know he enjoys being with me and when we do see one another, we do usually end up spending the night together and no we don't always have sex, but our sex life is awesome!

We never go a day without talking, texting, he text me good morning, every morning. Our children have never met, he has met one of my friends and I have met one of his. He tells me how happy I make him and how wonderful I am, but still no commitment. I tell him sometimes (in a joking matter of course) that he keeps me hidden in the closet. I really do have feelings for him and I do think he does for me.

However sometimes I do feel he could see me more if he wanted too and I have told him before that I feel I put more effort into seeing him then he does me. His response was that he would try. We have gone on a weekend getaway together, which he surprised me with.

I am ready for the commitment, I am ready to meet his child and have him meet mine. My plan is to just ask him to think about where he wants our relationship to go, stay as it is or move forward, if he's not ready to commit after a year, will he ever be?

After he ended it in the beginning I ask him if it was me that he didn't want a relationship with, he said that it had nothing to do with me, he just needed to figure things out! But it's been over a year and we have yet to talk about it, I think it's time, what do you think?

Help please, and just incase, we are both in our early 40's, we both have professional, stressful jobs. I'm not saying I want to get married but I am ready for me then what he is currently giving me.

My Response:

Dear Rita,

He knows what you want from him, even if you don't have that conversation or talk; he knows. He knows from all the subtle things you say, from all the hints you drop, from what you've said before. So whether or not you talk to him officially about all of this, and try to get a timeline from him on when he will be ready, he already knows and what you've got from him right now is what he's comfortable with giving you. I don't think he knows when he'll be ready for what you're looking for from him - and, no, you're not asking for too much! Since it sounds like he's just happy with the way things are and not very motivated to do anything different outside of his current comfort zone.

So what this comes down to is you, Rita, and the fact that you are ready for more than he's currently giving you. The absolute best thing to do when you have a scenario like this is to keep living your own life and filling it with everything else that means something to you so that what he does or doesn't do becomes less of your focus. But I know that's so much easier said than done when you're waiting for him to be on the same page as you and you can't understand why he isn't there already when things are that good between you!

Decide what you can live with. And what you can't live with. If you need to put everything on the table, then have that talk with him. But know that it may push him away; and if it does, know that at least you know where he really stands. You're always better to know the honest truth of whether someone is on the same page as you then to go along assuming he is or is going to get there.

If he's not on your page, that doesn't mean you have to do anything or you can't be together, it just means you're choosing to accept a relationship with someone who isn't there so you have to adjust your expectations on what you can realistically expect from him. If he's content with the way things are, know that you're not going to change him, no matter how amazing you are - and I know you are! You just have to decide what your terms are and what he is worth to you - what having him in your life is worth to you. We can't make someone be on our page, but we can choose what to do with our own lives if he's not.

Most of all, Rita, listen to your own gut instincts here. You know him and the situation better than anyone else. If someone in the exact situation as you were asking you what to do, listen to what you would say to her to help you decide what to do. And know that you're so not alone. It doesn't matter how old both of you are or what your situation is, this scenario happens far too often to the best of us, and when it's time to do something different, trust yourself to make the best decision for that beautiful women known as you! Living without regrets is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, so know that as long as you can live with your decisions and choices and make the ones that give you the most peace and happiness - that is all that really matters.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any additional ideas, advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Rita? Share them with us in the comments!

What Really Matters

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silhouette of feet of couple sitting on the pier at sunset beach, low angle view
This is what's really important.

I was with a group of friends the other day, and somehow the subject turned to husbands. These are women who have all been happily married for quite some time, with children of all ages, from all different walks of life.

They understand that happily married with happy families doesn't mean fantasy happy, it means reality happy.

They have real lives with real husbands and real families and real life realities. These realities often include serious difficulties, but also include serious joy.

The conversation started around the subject of one particular husband and how physically attractive he was. Although I couldn't toss my opinion into the mix since I hadn't ever met him in person, the general opinion seemed consistent – he was very good looking.

But what I found really interesting was how this conversation among friends quickly turned to what these women really found attractive in their husbands, physical looks aside.

What's really important.

It became about the time he spends with the kids, the time he’s home and not at work or traveling for work or out with his friends.

It turned to how often he helps out around the house, cooks dinner, cleans up, picks up groceries, and pitches in by helping out in so many ways with the daily running of the house.

And how he helps with raising the kids, and generally being that supportive husband that lives right there in the middle of that messy reality of life.

They weren't talking about how well built he was, how successful he was, or how he walked, talked, or moved. They weren't talking about how much money he made or about his full head of hair or how charming he could be.

What they were talking about were the things that really mattered when you’re choosing someone for the rest of your life instead of just for the current life stage you’re in.

And that’s my point.

When you are choosing who you are going to date, ask yourself what really matters to you for the long term. Narrow your priorities down to what will really matter to you down the road. Surface things will change. Those things that run deep like character, integrity, honesty – those things don’t change.

You’re doing the choosing here – make sure you choose wisely.

Choose someone whose character and personality you will still want in your life years from now when you’re on a different path, maybe even a path you weren't expecting.

A path where chemistry and attraction and great sex are no longer your biggest priorities.

I agree that some level of attraction and chemistry is important. But without the real love that’s found in a relationship based on the fundamentals of being there for each other in a very real way that matters, attraction and chemistry quickly fade.

On the other hand, when the fundamentals of character, integrity, trust and shared values are there, attraction and chemistry keeps growing and getting better and better.

So while you're on this journey to find the guy that's the right one for you, make sure to look deeper than what you’re seeing on the surface and find out what’s really there, underneath.

Is he worth it? Does he have what it takes for the long haul?

You, my beautiful friend, deserve so much more than just what’s on the surface.

So how about you? What matters most to you in a relationship? Tell us about it in the comments!

It's NOT Your Fault

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A close-up of the face of a beautiful woman with a tear rolling down her cheek. It's not your fault.You don't say it, but I hear it.

It's because I've been there, too. It's in the mostly wordless shame and doubt and unworthiness that comes through in between the lines of your written words. The words may be different, your stories may be very different, but the unspoken feeling is the same:

You feel like this is your punishment.

This common theme emerges. I'm being punished for something.

If we trace this back, its roots are deep within our culture, deep within our religions, and deep within those people who meant well but somehow passed along the opposite message of what they intended.

We feel we failed.

We feel like we made poor choices, we made mistakes, we did something wrong.  This life we are living, this seemingly endless search we are on, we feel this is our punishment.

This feeling of unworthiness, this lack of love in our lives. We believe it's all our fault.

We feel like we can't measure up, that we failed the test, that we can never make it up; that we are unlovable, unworthy, and this loneliness, this pattern of being with men who treat us this way, this pattern of coming close but never quite getting to real love, is our punishment.

And the worst part is, we believe we can't make up for it. It's a heavy judgment we allow ourselves to bear.

If you know all too well what I'm talking about, then I have something especially for you to remember. Wherever you've been, whatever you've been through, there is so much still to come for you. It is still your birthright to love and be loved just as you are.

The effects of thinking like this, of seeing this so black and white with such judgment on ourselves only feeds these feelings of unworthiness that leave us stuck and missing out on so much that love and life have to offer us.

It's not true.

It might serve our culture well to continue the pattern of blame, and shame, and punishment, but it doesn't serve you well, my beautiful friend.

It's time to throw off those deep, dark feelings of shame; to refuse to take on any more of their stuff. It's time to lighten your load, to remind yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone worthy of you and to get out from under that oppressive belief system.

It's time to stop believing that you deserve to be punished.

Here's the truth.

You are loved, you are worthy, you are deserving of all that is loving and beautiful in the world! You deserve nothing less than this, my beautiful friend. And when you finally see the truth in this, when you finally realize that in your heart, you've known this all along, you will see what is waiting there for you.

That's where love is.

Be Strong

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Face your own fears.A beautiful brunette woman in a blue blouse and black skirt is punching her fist in the air, showing that she is strong and confident and is ready for commitment.

Sometimes, even when we find the love of our lives, the guy who we’ve been looking for, the man who meets our clear definition of Mr. Right, something comes up that we weren’t expecting. Something called fear. Also known as insecurity in disguise. We’re terrified. It turns out that in the past we’ve chosen the kinds of guys that aren’t about commitment because it was safe. It never was going to work out so we never had to face our own fears about being in a committed relationship. Maybe we were choosing these guys and then staying with them because we’re a little afraid of committing, too. Maybe we felt safer being with someone who wouldn’t commit to us because it meant we didn’t have to face our own fears about commitment.

I remember someone once suggested that to me, and at first, I doubted it. He’s the one who’s scared, right? Not me. But then I gave it more thought. And realized that deep down, I might be scared, too. And maybe, as much as I thought I was ready to be in a real committed relationship, as much as I talked about it, dreamed about it, well, maybe it was more the fantasy of it than the reality that I was interested in. Even though I didn’t know it or understand it at the time. And when I did finally meet my true love, I realized just how many fears I had about giving so much of myself to someone. When there was no turning back. When it came time to say “I do”. When I realized I was in it for the long haul. That it wasn’t just another relationship like all the others. I was terrified.Continue Reading

He Just Wants To Be Friends

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A beautiful woman is sipping coffee while talking with a man over lunch, wondering why she's not getting what she wants in a relationship.
I'm happier being his friend than not having him in my life at all.

Beautiful Sandie is stuck in the friend zone, and isn't sure what to do. Sound familiar?

Here's her story:

Hi Jane, I have a question. If you decide to post this, please change my name.

About 6 months ago, I met a guy. He had been out of an 8 year relationship/engagement for about a year and was looking to move on in life.

I had been in and out of bad short term relationships. We had a rough start because I could not trust anyone and he was not over his ex.

We dated for about 3 months and it ended because we were both not truly ready for a real true relationship. We had no contact for about 2.5 months. I contacted him because I missed him and he says he misses me too.

However, he said he is not ready for a relationship.Continue Reading

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