One of our radiant, confident, beautiful readers, Lisa, writes to me wondering if she's wasting her time with a guy that isn't able to commit to more of a relationship with her right now.
Her letter:
Hi Jane -
I've been dating a man for almost a year now.
We get along great we have great chemistry we are a lot alike, he treats me well when we are together is a very nice man and we enjoy our time together. Note I have known him since I was 19. He was my brothers college roomie. My whole family knows him so it's been easy.
It caught us off guard. But we began dating recently at age 42. We both are divorced. Very similar situations. It's sorta our bond. I know what he deals with. His more recently than mine and his world is turned a bit upside down because of it. He right after we began dating had to be the full time parent to his teenagers and begin raising them. Needless to say this was a huge thing for him and for us.
The dating dynamics for us changed drastically. He is managing his kids he works like a maniac and he has tried to maintain what we have. Note we live an hour away from each other;it's a lot to manage and keep going.
Our time is limited but I like it and it works for now. It's been going nicely but I find myself wanting more eventually. When? I'm not sure. My kids are still pretty young. I don't think he can give me more at least not now.
We see each other about every weekend one night. It's been great this far and we call or text all week long. But at what point do we do more? I'm not around his kids. He said long ago they wouldn't be ready for that.
We have never discussed our feelings for each other and I have them. I'm afraid if I share them it will spook him or add more pressure to what he has we don't talk of anything about our relationship. We just enjoy eachother have fun and bond.
Do I walk away? Am I wasting my time hoping one day he will want a serious relationship w me?
We act like bf gf already but just don't discuss it. This week he mentioned he is tired of being 100% parent and working. He is burned out.
Says maybe he should go to Costa Rica and be a bartender. I didn't reply. A couple days later he sounded down I asked if he was okay he said In his words..... I'm having a hard time w life in general... Honestly I have a lot going on. I put too much pressure on myself and I need to figure myself out and chill and finds ome internal happiness and contentment. R u sorry u asked????
I didn't even know what to say. What does that mean???
So as long as this is. At age 43 wanting a relationship again and wanting someone special in my life again am I wasting my time here? Is this man depressed? Wasting my time? Not into me?
I'm so confused and sad.
I really like him and I feel he likes me. It makes me sad he said all that. Please email me with your thoughts.
- Lisa
My Response:
It's really about what he's worth to you, Lisa. He's definitely got a lot going on his life right now, but that's not to say you can't be a part of that life, just the reality of raising teenagers and trying to be a good father and provider and all things to all people can weigh on someone and make it hard for them to take on anything more.
If you enjoy being with him, there's nothing wrong with simply enjoying your time that you do spend together and fill the rest of your life up with close friends and others you can talk to without putting pressure on him, because it doesn't sound like he's in a place to give you his best answers when it comes to meeting your needs when he can barely keep up with his own.
When comments like "bartender in Costa Rica" come up, that's your clue that he feels overwhelmed, not unlike something many of us feel at one time or another, but it is a reality check on where he's at right now, so it is something for you to consider.
He won't be raising teenagers forever, but what this is always about is you and what you're willing and not willing to put up with. He is at a different life stage right now than you. So whether that's a deal breaker for you is something only you know for sure, but again, it's the reality of what is that matters and not the fantasy of a different time or place.
Only you know if it's worth waiting for, or if you can focus your energies on other areas of your life - leaving your options open - while still having him in this one area of your life where you enjoy your time together.
If you're focusing on you more than him or "us" than what he does or doesn't do, or what mood he is in or isn't in, won't matter as much. But only you know what he's worth to you or whether what you do get from him is worth what you're aren't getting and would like to get from him.
Does that make sense?
Hope this helps a little. I know these matters of the heart are never easy decisions, but know that you also don't have to make any decisions now either. Sometimes, just shifting your focus from him to you and "us" to you can make all the difference. We sometimes expect someone to be the be all and end all to our lives, when if we get our needs met in several different places - through friendships, hobbies, passions, events, animals, children, classes, etc. - we find the answers become that much clearer.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Is Lisa wasting her time with this man? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!
Dear Lisa,
In the begining you wanted this kind of man.
You said it yourself, you were happy having him in your life.
But there was a distance and you two were not that close!
But you enjoyed, so did he.
It sounds to me that you want more out of this relationship.
So your view on love and the future has changed. But he has not changed his yet.
I think that he is just not ready for some reason.
And maybe he does not want to share why he is not ready!
Time will tell if your waisting time. I think it is beautifull and healthy that you
Want love and a happy life with a man and the kids.
It is something wonderfull.
But also your heart and head will tell you truth, you should listen to it!
That is a waist of time and energy, when you do not listen!
Ii hope you choose what will make you happy on the long term!
Lisa mentions not being around his kids. So how do you create a relationship when all the players are not present? They are part of the family. What is happening is that two adults are having their needs met and one wants more. Rising teenagers is hard work for anyone, so be sympathetic and don't add additional pressure of "I want more". He will run like a rabbit if you do. What he needs is space and for Lisa to realize he is not ready for more responsibility at this time. Make a decision to either keep enjoying the time together, or move on to find someone who is ready to commit.
So true, Carolyn; because you can never change where someone's at; you can only make your own decision to live well with what is, or find someone who is there. It's always the reality of "what is" that matters, not the potential that we see it could be.
Thank you for your always loving responses, Jane!
Thank you, Alexis. 🙂
All I can say is Lisa is definitely wasting her time. I have had several relationships like this where the man is sitting on the fence and never committing. Lisa should cut her time as this man is not valuing the relationship. . Mainly when. Men get out of a marriage and they are still bringing up teenagers they can get stuck there. For years. Believe me they don't change and only when you leave you will know the answer. That's when they might realise when they loose you.
When a woman gets into a relationship these days she should be very careful about getting involved before a man to see if he is relationship ready. Nothing worse than a man who won't move the relationship forward . He can waste years of your precious time.
I have to agree with the last person who posted...the line that 'a woman should be very careful if a man is relationship ready' is SO true. My experience is that women and men look for different things in relationships. I think us women always have an eye out for the future ( how many men ask...where is this relationship going?)...where as men live in the here and now...and what they can get from the relationship in the moment. What I've learned from my own personal experience is be aware of a man who has not moved on emotionally or caught up in the aftermath of a divorce. These men, while possibly being great guys, are not ready for commitment and building a new future. They are stuck in their emotional baggage and day to day turmoil. The dear reader spent 1 year in the relationship...I spent 3.5 years...and in the end as much as my ex ' loved me' he was not ready to move on with me. I realized I was wasting my time with someone who needs to get his life together without me and believe me, he was a wonderful guy. It doesn't ease the pain but I feel I'm in the drivers seat of my life now instead of waiting around for something that may never happen.
I agree with what Jane and Julie stated. May be you and him are not compatible at this time due to his commitments (different people -- not on same page). I spent over a year with someone with lots of back and forth ... he was still emotionally wounded after a divorce that took place almost 6 years ago ...
ex cheated on him/lied to him/took his money, etc. I am not like her at all, but he was not ready to move on with me. He was "the love of my life". It has been over for 9 months now ... the pain still fresh at times along with lots of tears ...I am still working on moving on (Forgive & Forget). The lesson learned is that "don't rush ... have your own life and interests ... never settle ... be ready for love at any age ... if it is meant to be, it will be". Warmest wishes and big hugs to you, Lisa. XoXo
So true, Tiffany; it's always so much more about compatibility - being on the same page and looking for the same thing - than anything more personal than that. Go easy on yourself; we all live and learn and go through that dance of letting go that sometimes feels like it takes an eternity! "If it is meant to be, it will be" - Yes, it will, because both of you will want it to and be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen - that's true compatibility.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful insight and love as always, Jane. I really appreciate it.
By the way, "All you beautiful ladies" should check out the following. resource. It is making so much sense to me in conjuction with Jane's.
* “A Little Diddy About Jack and Diane"
Roy Biancalana
Author and Relationship Coach
Let’s take this out of the realm of theory and make it personal. I’ve lived in this vicious loop. What follows is a true story, with me playing the part of “Jack” in this “little diddy.”
My Wound was that I was not seen or valued by my mother. This led to a core Story of being invisible or not good enough. In response to that, I created a Persona I’ve named Casanova. He tries to get girls to like him by being nice and taking care of them.
Casanova magnetically attracted his reciprocal Playmate, a damsel-in-distress that we’ll call “Diane.” Her life was very complicated and Casanova swept in and rescued her. We created a Pattern where she gave me attention and affection in exchange for me taking care of her kids, house and life.
This worked well until we both stopped doing our “jobs” for each other. When that happened we started arguing and fighting a lot. The relationship became filled with Pain and she broke off our engagement and I, of course, interpreted that to mean I wasn’t good enough. The old Wound was reopened and the core Story reaffirmed.
Happy Holidays!
XOXO
Thank you, Tiffany, for sharing this with us. It's exactly what we find if we're willing to dig a little deeper into the story of our lives and of those we're involved with. There's always a little girl or little boy wanting to be loved, to be seen, to be heard, to be good enough. It's in our striving to keep trying to fill that early need that we find ourselves settling for less than we deserve with people who aren't capable of meeting those needs because of their own unmet needs. We only perpetuate a continuing cycle until someone sees the reality of what's really going on and releases everyone from playing these roles that never get at the root of what's missing. It's then that the real journey to loving oneself can begin, and that little girl or boy can be seen, can be heard, can be loved, can be be good enough and can finally discover that what was missing was a love and acceptance for oneself to replace the one that couldn't be there. We can't change the past, but what we can do is change our future by giving to ourselves what we never received.
'... but I feel I'm in the drivers seat of my life now instead of waiting around for something that may never happen." - And that's the point, Julie; you in control of your own life - living it! - instead of waiting around. We're ultimately the only ones who know when it's our own time, but when you've been there, as you have, you understand this so well. Thank you!
It sounds like you've been there, Gab; thanks for adding so much to the conversation!
To me it seems like he's asking for help. I would suggest talking with him and seeing how he sees the relationship; I don't know how its been a year and you haven't had "the talk" yet! Maybe he wants you as part of the family, to be a true partners, and help him with all the stuff he has going on right now, but maybe not. You need to talk to him and say you love him and want to be there for him and take some pressure off him. 🙂
Thanks for offering your perspective here, Stephanie. It all helps!
Usually it takes 3 to 6 months to really know enough to make that decision. Sometime it is easier, such as if they are harmful to you in some way, but when one is clear that they gave a relationship a chance then at the 6 month mark one often has enough evidence to choose. I do believe it is a gut instinct too. Sometimes our own relationship skills need a tune up before deciding. In our heart we know if we should stay or go. No relationship is a waste of time per se, since we learn and grow with them, but if you want kids one must be mindful not to waste too much time.
"In our heart we know if we should stay or go." Love this, Jackie; we do.
Yes, in the end, if we can be clear and brutally honest with ourselves, we do know deep in our heart if we should stay or go. I just went through this with someone who wasn't a romantic prospect but a friend. Things were said and I could have run my pattern. But this time my heart said stay. The last time, my head and heart were fighting, but my heart said go. So I did. The odd thing is, both men asked for the same thing, to be friends. The first man who wanted to friendszone me was the one that I went away from. Why? Because like the article talks about, he would have been a profound waste of time. The other man, the one I decided to stay friends with (if its meant to be) I didn't run my pattern with because, he just is not a waste of time. If anything I don't want to waste his time either because I'm always encouraging him to go for the girl he wants.