Today’s post has been contributed by Alexis Meads, a lifestyle and wellness coach.
When I was in my early 20's, I moved to a new city, broke out of my comfy relationship and started a financial career in search of my dreams.
I went on dates, spent my newly earned money and partied. My life seemed good from the outside and it was exciting and fun…for a while.
A few years into this new lifestyle I realized that I hated my job, I never got over my first love, I had gained 20 pounds and racked up some hefty credit card debt.
I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or how to get there.
I thought that if I just met the “perfect” guy, than I would be happy and all would be well. So I spent all my time searching hopelessly. I went out with my friends, tried internet dating, met guys at work. But in every single relationship I either found myself bored and unhappy, or seriously hung up on unemotionally available men.
I was keeping myself busy to avoid being alone. Sitting still and being alone meant that I had to face my own demons. I was scared that I’d realize how lonely I was. The voice on Friday night that said, “you’re tired, do something for yourself, just stay in” would be silenced in fear of feeling like a failure.
After receiving my M.A. at Harvard University and still not having any luck in the dating world, plus feeling dissatisfied with my life all around, I did what any normal person would do…up and moved to Hawaii.
I spent the next four months in what I now look back as my “self-love discovery.” Although I didn’t know it at the time, that is exactly what it was.
For the first time, on my own, I learned what it was that I really wanted. I found that I loved to dance and did it daily, I spent time meditating, shed that 20 pounds by treating my body right and learned how to say no. I began accepting myself, and from that acceptance, began dreaming up my ideal life.
I no longer felt lonely when I was alone.
When I moved back to the mainland as Hawaiians call it, excited about my new life and focusing on myself for the first time, an unexpected thing happened.
I met someone.
And he didn't check off my previous boxes. I had always gone for a certain “type” of guy that I was attracted to, but that also never worked out. I was made to believe that “the one” would just show up and sweep me off my feet and it would all be happily ever after. Plus the timing with this new guy seemed all wrong.
Luckily the universe had grander plans than our own. Even though I wasn't out looking for a relationship, now that I had fully embraced myself, it was looking for me.
I kept him in the friend zone for a while, convinced that this wasn't the guy for me and not the right time. However, I couldn't deny that I enjoyed spending time with him. That I felt comfortable talking to him and that when he hugged me it felt like home.
One fated day on the beach, after a really fun time with him, I made a final attempt to keep him at arms length. Even with growing feelings, I told him that I just wanted to be friends. To my total shock and awe, he said “okay”.
Like it was nothing! I figured for sure he’d be angry, or controlling, or never speak to me again. Like every other guy in my past. But he just said “okay”, completely willing to let me go, and then even had the audacity to see if I wanted to hang out again as friends the next day!
I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him at that moment.
Here was the first man who had come into my life who would allow me to be in a relationship while also allowing me to be free.
We are now engaged to be married in Greece this May. While it’s not always perfect, its perfect for me. I have grown so much within this relationship and feel blessed to have found it. But it would have never happened if I hadn't first found myself.
Alexis Meads received her M.A. at Harvard University. She is a Certified Wellness Coach and Self-Love Expert. She helps women to fall madly in love, feel sexy and confident every day and create a life full of adventure.
I am happy for anyone who can find a relationship that works for them. It's like a breath of fresh air. Nothing is perfect, but it means so much when there are no emotional disasters and you can work things out due to a misunderstanding. Communication and respect is the key. I pray for your continuing peace and happiness.
Thank you Carolyn! You are so right here - communication and respect are key.
I totally agree about finding self-Love first. That happened for me too. I just spent a couple of years doing exactly what I wanted to do, just Being. And I wasn't looking to get into a serious relationship when I did, but that's how I knew it was right. I tried not to fall in Love and couldn't help it. 🙂
Love how you put this, Julie; thanks for sharing how it happened for you! 🙂
That's amazing Julie! So happy for you!
Thank you Alexis for sharing your story and thank you Jane for the time you take to keep us all moving forward. Every post and story shared has a lesson to give. Even the comments are thought provoking. Love this site and eagerly check my mail for new posts. The advice given here is really good.
Thank you for your kind words, Ann. It's true that as much as I like to give direct advice along the way, I also believe that we learn the most when we come to our own "aha" moments through, as you say, thought-provoking words and ideas. Things that plant the little seeds in our own minds that lay in wait to be seen for what they are until we are ready to see and hear them. That's why we all have our own path, our own journey, and it doesn't matter how long it takes. In our own time, we see what we need to see, we get to where we need to get to.
You're so welcome Ann! I'm glad you enjoyed it. This is a great site and Jane gives wonderful advice. We all have something to learn from our shared stories!
HI,
I was really looking forward to some advice reading this article, I am at that same place. But, moving to Hawaii is just not an option for me (or most people), I was hoping for some advice on how to "love myself" without moving to Paradise?
thank you
I hear you, MaryAnn. The specifics are different for each of us, but the ideas are the same. I wrote a post specifically about loving ourselves - and what that looks like - here.
All of the things I mention in that post are an important part of our journey to self-love, but there are two things in particular that I view as essential to loving ourselves.
The all important first step is about the company you keep. All of us - but especially those of us who are especially sensitive souls - can begin by surrounding ourselves with supportive people who love and accept us the way we are and make us feel good about ourselves, while letting go of the ones that have the opposite effect on us.
And the other important aspect that I touched on in the post is about boundaries. It is truly our boundaries that remind us, and show the world, how we allow ourselves to be treated. The limits we set, and the lines we draw, in every single one of our relationships send the strongest message about our worth, our value, and our confidence. So many of us have been brought up to believe that focusing on ourselves like this and setting limits on what we will and will not accept from others, is selfish. And yet it is exactly this idea that this is selfishness on our parts that perpetuates the patterns of abusive behavior that so many of us have suffered from, regardless of whether we call it that or have simply come to accept it as the way people treat us.
It's when we come to that place within ourselves where we get past the uncomfortable feeling or the feeling that we're not being "nice" or the feeling that we won't be loved if we say "no" or start putting limits on the behaviors of others as it relates to us, that we discover that we are worth standing up for, that we are worth protecting, and that this is the best way to find out the people we do and don't want in our lives.
It's a process, MaryAnn, and it doesn't happen overnight. But with every new way of thinking about ourselves, of doing things just for ourselves, of looking at our needs and our passions and our gifts as being the daily confirmations of all that we are and all that we have to offer to someone who's truly worthy of us, we start to catch a glimpse of this new way of being. And at some point, the more we practice, the more we make these daily habits in our everyday lives, we discover the truth that's been there all along; there is so much to love about you!
No advice was given - true, but the secret was revealed. Did you miss it? The person who ended up being 'the one' was not someone she would have had on her radar (a) ditch your list, your perfect partner does not look like your list (b) Alexis found a comfortable friend first - not a lover who had an agenda (c) this person wanted for her what she wanted for herself - her space; no attempt to twist her arm toward something she did not think she wanted, the hallmark characteristic of abusive relationships. So yes, Alexis did not give advice - Alexis shared her story and inside the story was the secret to her moving forward in love and happiness.
Thanks for pointing these out, Trudy; that's what I love about real-life stories like these, when love finds us when we least expect it and looking a whole different than the picture we had painted in our minds. Same feeling, different guy. Inspiring us all to believe in the real kind of love!
Thank you for your support comment Trudy and I'm so glad you enjoyed my story! I love your advice here. Sometimes we need to ditch our list or what we think is the "perfect" guy. Instead, I like thinking of how you want to feel in a relationship. Loved? Supported? Playful? This is what real love is all about!
xo,
Alexis
Hi MaryAnn,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. After further reflection and re-reading the sentence "I did what any normal person would do…up and moved to Hawaii" I realized this did not come across properly and for that I apologize.
In my mind I was being sarcastic as I wrote it, because at that time in my life I was feeling anything but normal. I left out huge chunks of the story here. When I made that decision to move I was broke, jobless and fighting to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I took a leap of faith and moved by arranging to work on an organic farm (my degree was in Environmental Management) and worked there for months without basic luxuries.
In a way I was running away from my problems, but it was the first time that I had to face my issues, find myself and embrace self-love. This was just the beginning of my journey and there were many challenges (and celebrations!) along the path. Each woman's self-love path will be unique and special to them. Some women may find themselves while working in their garden, or during meditation, or by getting out of a relationship, or saying yes to a new job. I work with women in all kinds of circumstances and backgrounds.
As for self-love specifics...thank you Jane for your beautiful post and comment about self-love! She is RIGHT ON here about the company you keep and setting boundaries. I would add fun as well. What is fun for you? Do you incorporate fun and play into your life? Also, learning to make peace with your inner-critic. What does it tell you? Is it that you're "not good enough", "don't have enough money" or "not smart enough"? This is different for all of us, but the first step is becoming AWARE of it.
I have lots of articles on my site about specific examples and advice on loving yourself. You can check some of them out here: http://alexismeads.com/
Love and Peace,
Alexis