One of our beautiful readers, Tracey, sent in the following story about a man she reconnected with after 20 years who then pulled the disappearing act! She allowed me to share the story with all of you so that we can all learn from this all too common experience.
Her letter:
Hi Jane, I'm one of your followers from the UK, and i need your help.
I fell for the trap of somebody returning to my life after 20 years !!!
I was madly in love with him back then, but our relationship ended and he went onto marry somebody else. He separated at the end of last year, and in the January of this year he found me on facebook (ahh facebook, bringing people together).
We chatted non stop on facebook and by phone for 6 weeks for hours at a time.
It was like time had stood still.
Where had 20 years gone? Anyway, long story short, it was a long distance thing, but we did meet up for a weekend initially in February. It was great.
After that weekend we carried on chatting, although less frequently, and met again in July for a weekend. I met some of his friends, but then I started to realize that there were red flags popping up.
There was a woman - married, still with her husband I might add with a young child who was very obviously making a play for him. He did mention her, but said she was just a good friend, and he didn't think of her in that way!!!
She also called in to see him whilst I was visiting. We all sat and chatted for a while and then she left. She was always popping up on his FB page and then started leaving little cryptic messages and photos she had taken with him in them.
A few days after my July visit he sent me a message saying that he didn't like me discussing him/us with mutual friends - red flag again.
He was quite harsh actually. Why did he not want people to know about us?
Well, I guess he was keeping his options open, and probably didn't want this other woman to know anything was going on so she could carry on stroking his ego. I truly believe that they are having some kind of relationship. Call it a gut feeling if you like.
He must be a fool to have a relationship with somebody right on his doorstep especially as she is married with a child. He has 2 young children by the way, and shares custody with his ex.
Anyway after the harsh message about keeping things a secret, I didn't hear anything for about 3 days and then it was just a brief message to say he was going on holiday with the children for a few days. After that as I didn't hear from him.
So after 3 weeks of silence I deleted him and her from FB, I guess so I couldn't "stalk" their profiles. Did I do the right thing or was that the wrong thing to do?
I guess I did it for my own sanity really. We were intimate during my 2 visits, so I suppose what hurts more than anything is that I feel so used, yes and stupid for falling for him again. You'd think I'd know better at nearly 50 years old.
He left me with a broken heart 20 odd years ago, and I never really got over that. I suppose I thought things would be different this time around, but looking back I guess some people don't change.
Oh Jane, how do I move on from this?
I realize now that I bought into the fantasy of what it could have been rather than the reality of what it actually was. How could he hurt me and cast me aside so easily? I guess I was just an ego stroke, and somebody that he knew held him in high esteem. More fool me!!!
Why couldn't he just man up and say he didn't want me rather than just disappear?
It's so cowardly and disrespectful that a grown man could act this way to another person especially when he was the one who pursued me so vigorously in the beginning.
I guess I wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, maybe I was just plain boring, who knows.
All I do know with certainty is I am heartbroken once again, by somebody who didn't treat me with care and respect. Any words of wisdom Jane would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and all the best from across the "Pond".
– Tracey
My Response:
Dear Tracey,
First of all, know that this wasn't about you at all, my beautiful friend. You didn't do anything wrong.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You weren't not enough of anything.
It is everything you say, you get all this, you understand exactly what happened when you think of it from a practical view.
He wasn't there, he never was, and yes, he took complete advantage of you.
And I know, it hurts, you feel so many emotions because it's so hard not to think of it emotionally and beat yourself up here, but don't.
You did what any believing, fantasizing, loving, caring, woman might have done - you got caught up in the romantic fantasy, the romantic ideal we all share to some extent, of what now, after so many years, might be! Don't take any of this personally, he's caught up in a game that you don't want any part of, and now you know.
So stop first and foremost with being so hard on yourself, Tracey. It doesn't matter how old you are, you're human. Give yourself a break.
Accept that this is what happened and whether or not it should have or not, whether he shouldn't have been able to treat you like this, whether he should have been a better human being than this, what happened happened.
Get it all out.
Write a letter to him, but don't send it.
Tell him everything you want to say, but don't do anything with it except use it to get your thoughts and feelings out because men like this don't care. As much as we want them to, they don't and that's why they can do this.
Forgive him, forgive yourself.
Accept he is who he is and you are who you are and be so glad you didn't get involved with him years ago and end up married to him living like this for more than a short season!
Laugh about if you can get there, and be so glad you have your own life and not his. Can you laugh at how crazy it is that he would think that he can behave like he did and have you not see right through it?
Separate as much as you can from this whole thing. You did the best with what you knew at the time, and now you know what he's really like, and you can accept the reality and put this all behind you. You've been saved from anything more!
I know the intimacy is tough to let go of, but know that even there, it was more of a fantasy than reality and there's no reason to be hard on yourself.
And then when you're ready, be done with him.
Tear up what you wrote to him, realize he is not worth wasting one more second of your beautiful time and energy on, and then forgive yourself and him again anytime you're tempted to go there and think about him again.
Celebrate your humanness, your ability to believe in love and that romantic believer you are. Those are beautiful qualities, Tracey, when you're with the right guy.
It's crazy what a guy can do.
I've found it especially healing to write whenever an old memory came up that made me doubt myself or be hard on myself - you may find this helpful, too.
But most of all, since what keeps us stuck is usually our own beating ourselves up and being so hard on ourselves, the more you can do to reinforce all the beautiful qualities about yourself and what you know to be true, by spending time doing the things you love to do, are passionate about doing and make you feel good about yourself, the easier it will be to move on for you.
Can you take a vacation? Can you give yourself a change of scenery by redecorating or creating something new? Can you follow a new dream, a new idea, a new project, a new cause - something like that?
Because it's when you focus on you, when you focus on what you do well and what makes you feel good about yourself, you'll find him fading into the background.
I hope this helps a little. It'll get easier in time.
Infuse as much humor as you can into your life, Tracey, as I find this to be such a cure-all with some of the experiences I've been through, once you can get to that. But in general, be so gentle on yourself and your heart.
It's OK. All of it. We do the best with what we know at the time. At any age!
Lots of love to you,
Jane
What do you think? Any other advice for our beautiful, kind-hearted friend Tracey on how to move on? Tell us about it in the comments!
I have enjoyed these responses. I am in a situation similar and I need an outside view of what may be happening to me. This information has really given me a whole other view on what may be happening to me.
I want to share my situation, because I am so confused I need to get my thoughts together. Thank you all so much!
So glad this is helping you see things from a different perspective, Marie. Thank you for sharing!
I was in a 5yr aadult ltr the last 5mos ldr. Nov 13' changes
frm hs end less contact etc... dec 13' he wanted a visit i went
not a gd one. We dnt fite it was like he was distant luving hs
own life. Heard frm him 2x in 19days. I txtd 1x. Hes a facebk
addict hes an adult 44. Odd to me. I feel used sad its like
poof. Stuf he sd he hated or peeps he ddnt like? Hes dng it.
I hvnt responded i feel lke he wants me out so im staying out
very hard. Suggestions? Im heartbroken. We had plans
for a future. Smwthng happened in a month ir so.
m
tx
This isn't about you, M; even though it feels like it is. It's not. He's got his own life, his own stuff, his own issues. It's so hard to see this when you're in it, but it's true. It's so hard not to feel heartbroken when you had plans for the future and when you didn't choose to have it go this way.
He'll sort out his own things if he wants to. Two people who are truly meant to be together always find a way - if they're both on the same same page and want the same thing with each other. Live your life. Make you the focus. Do the things you love doing with the people who love and support you and want to be with you so that what he does or doesn't do won't matter as much.
That's the point here, M; focus on what you can control - your own life full of all the things that make it a beautiful life - so that what you can't control and what you can't make happen won't take all your time and energy and happiness. You can't make anyone love you, but you can remember all that you are, and all that you have to offer and remind yourself that you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.
I am a man who experienced a similar situation within the past year. When I was 26 years old my girlfriend of six years broke up with me and I was devastated. I always regretted losing her and never quite put her out of my mind. The next guy she dated after me she ended up marrying. Fast forward thirteen years. I received an email from her out of the blue. This after zero contact with her over the years. She was very cryptic at first in her emails to me but she finally admitted that she was getting divorced. I was living in NY at the time but would soon be heading home for the holiday's and she still lived in my home state. We exchanged hundreds of messages leading up to my return visit. Her telling me that she always regretted how our relationship ended and that she never truly put me out of her mind. I was so happy to have her in my life again but knew that she was not ready for a relationship. I knew she would need time to heal.
We finally got together one night and the moment we saw each other we both started crying. I had never felt emotions like that before. We embraced and hugged one another for more than 15 minutes. Just standing and holding one another with the occasional look deep into our eye's. We eventually settled on the couch and started chatting. I was able to share with her some of my regrets from the past (concerning her) and that I should have asked her to marry me. Back then she was ready for marriage and in my immature mind I wasn't. The moment she left me I knew I had just lost something great. I always regretted it. Our conversation drifted from casual to serious topics. We saw each other a few more times during my visit and eventually were intimate together. I recall waking up New Years Day 2013 and feeling a certain happiness that I had not felt in years! I knew we wouldn't be in a serious relationship right off the get go but I felt so happy to have her in my life again. I returned to NY and she talked about visiting me in the coming months. I opened myself up completely to her. Telling her how much she meant to me and that I never stopped caring about her through all these years. Our emails and phone conversations continued for a month and then slowly I could feel her starting to pull away. Her husband had rescinded the divorce filing forcing her to file for divorce. I continued to offer her my support and "friendship". Slowly the emails and phone calls stopped altogether. I decided to back off and give her space to deal with this traumatic event in her life.
A couple months past and I emailed her to see how she was doing. She ignored my email. A week later I sent another email asking her what was going on. She replied that she was sorry for her "non existence" but that she had talked to her therapist about me and her and the therapist decided that "running to an ex" was not a safe or smart place for her to be and that she really needs space to find clarity. I was hurt but truly wanted her to heal. I responded with a polite email wishing her the best and that one day I hope she could appreciate me for who I am and what I stand for.
Fast forward five month, New Years Day 2014 I sent her an email "Happy New Year. I hope you are doing well." She excitedly replied "Hey you!!!! How are you doing? I am much better. Still dealing with my ex on levels I never thought I would be, however I am finally dating and starting to feel better about myself." I must admit I was crushed to hear she was "finally dating". I so badly want her back in my life. Again I was in my home state and so I took her "dating" cue as a reason to ask her to meet for a drink. I was to be in town for another four days and she replied "that may work I will keep you posted." I never heard from her. I feel so utterly used by her. I never thought she was capable of acting in such a way. I am in shock. I would have easily married this woman. For year's I have regretted losing her. So much so that no other woman really stood a chance with me. Why did she do this to me? Why did she tell me that she always regretted how things ended between us the first time and then do this?? I am so hurt. Sometimes when I think about it, tears well up in my eye's.
I feel your pain, Kevin. It's when we can't understand why that it's the hardest to let go. We finally come to the realization that the only person who's hurting here is us, and somewhere within that realization, we do the only thing we can; we accept. We accept the reality of what is. We accept what we can't change. We accept that we can't make anyone love us. We accept that this is never about us, but about them.
And somewhere in that acceptance we find our own peace. Not that we wanted it this way, not that anything's really ok, but that we're only doing harm to ourselves by staying where we are in our minds with them. By holding onto those dreams, to those plans, to those places in our hearts and souls where we went when we imagined our lives with them. When we have nothing else, we have ourselves, and we have that place of acceptance where we can go to find our peace.
You're never alone, Kevin; this type of hurt and pain and lack of understanding and desire for closure is universally felt no matter who we are, what we've been through, or how long it's been. We all want to understand the "why".
Thank you for replying. I did/do find solace in what you wrote to me. I have held onto her in my thoughts and dreams for so long. There was never really any closure when we first broke up and now it seems the same way with this turn of events. It's strange for me to think that there is anyone else out there for me. I truly believed she was "the love of my life." I feel naïve but I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. I do not regret anything I shared with her. Life is short and I would have regretted not telling her how much she has meant to me in my life. She shared similar feelings with me but has now shut me out of her life all over again. That is what is so difficult to understand and move past. I realize I am powerless in the situation. I can't make her love me or want me. The fact is, my life over the past year, would have been so much easier (emotionally) if she had never contacted me again.
So many stories that are so similar....I too have been "caught" up in a situation similar to this most recently. Reconnecting with an individual that I walked away from about 5 years ago. He is currently living with the woman that he was seeing when we were together; she is married and left her husband and children for him! It's like a reality show on Bravo for sure! Have to laugh....
We can't beat ourselves up for the actions that we take.....the heart is a powerful thing and it feels what it feels. We can only "heal" and learn from these situations. My heart goes out to you Tracey but know that this too...shall pass. Love yourself for the beautiful person that you are....
Thank you Melanie. I feel stronger as each day passes, with a little help from my friends on this site ! I remember reading somewhere a comment which said something like this... Never go back to a man who has rejected you once, for whatever reason. Ah well, fingers burnt, lesson learnt. Best to you.
What if I was always interested and he once said because we work together that he has to watch his complements of me?
Jackie. This sounds like the boomerang effect. When a man is "truly" interested in you....He will find a way! This sounds like a fishing expedition. Just a few kind words to see if you are willing to participate in a fling.
That makes sense. I'm not engaging any further since I see drama in all this.
Jackie,
Your question is confusing due to grammatical error. I'll break apart what I think you're asking and give it a shot.:
1. You have always been interested in him (What if scenario?)
and
2. You worked together and he once stated his need to watch his compliments around you?
If #1 is true I can't offer anything as it really complicates the whole dynamic
If #2 is true, I would say he qualifies under "Yes I'm fishing"...with very silly unattractive statements in hopes of getting a response. I say unattractive because it makes him sound weak and frail. It's also a line one would say to themselves in their head for fear of sexual harassment. He said it anyway so I say he's fishing for a shark with line intended to catch trout.
Yeah ... I am convinced it was fishing but I'm not interested in engaging any further. Just too much drama and long term he is not what I am looking for.
This is odd because someone I used to know who was a guy friend sent me an email in the middle of the night recently. I thought he was in Europe but he was back in the same city we live in. Anyway, he told me that he woke up and had me on his mind and that he just wanted to say he was grateful for having me in his life, because I was amazing. At first I thought he sent the email to me by mistake so I replied and asked him if the message was for me. He responded that it was. It's confusing because I had not been in touch with him for over a month. Last I checked he has a girlfriend so not sure what the message was all about. It is a kind of a boomerang since I had no intention of contacting him again. Nothing was wrong. Just that he seemed to be drifting away ever since he began dating someone so I took it as the fading of a casual friendship. No, I was never interested in him. But people think he was fishing. Out of curiosity, was he?
Jackie,
Uncertain if he was fishing. I'll give you a few reasons to think about. First I'll use a proverb and then I'll look at "Yes.." and a "No" reasons. At the end, I'll tell you what my acquaintances use to 'pick-up' women or the 'Alpha Male' mindset.
"A double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways." I'm not a religious man, but many years ago I found that proverb and I'm convinced it's the theme of this whole article and the responses from readers. It's easy to miss the 'all' so I capitalized it.
(No, he wasn't fishing.)
His mind is attempting to make him more stable because YOU challenged and changed him. He concluded that YOU were the cause and he is simply being grateful. He believes in extending thanks no matter the odd method.
(Yes, he was fishing.)
Men with unstable minds are clueless as to why you're not interested, they come up with reasons believing they will get you interested even years later. They might have convinced YOU the parting was mutual or respectfully on your part. He thinks enough time has passed to demonstrate his acceptance of the parting. By calling, he knows you can't see his facial expressions and demeanor because that would give away his motive. Pausing or asking for a response on your thought after explaining the reason for his call, is a good indicator of his intent to 'fish' in hopes of seeing you together again in any way.
The pick-up artist and the Alpha Male use your scenario which is similar to a guy who buys you a drink and immediately afterwards stands there silently staring at you. They both know this is what 99% of men do along with saying cheesy lines. They both know EXACTLY what you're thinking whereas Mr. Loser who bought you the drink is clueless. When Mr. Loser see's your disinterest, his mind races and stumbles upon what you saw. He then tries to compensate by coming back with, "I hope your not seeing the drink as anything other than that?" I can think of MANY other Mr. Loser responses.
But what if a guy buys you a drink, briefly say's, "Enjoy the night." and then immediately leaves? Think about that one.
Sorry. Replace 'calling' with 'email'. Email is even worse!
You chose wisely Jane to share this story and thank you Tracey for giving permission. I am a big proponent of learning by the observation of others and the results of their choices. This is one that is far from new to me.
I have often been asked by men and women over many years if it OK to get involved with someone that is separated. My answer is always, “No!”.
No matter how strong the feelings are from the past like this situation, if asked I would say, "No."
YOU are the power to make men a 'one woman' man. If you have to consult others before jumping into something like this, you're not a bad person for doing so...you are a wise person. The fear of having a broken heart over and over again should be the beginning of seeking wisdom.
*Find tools that hold your emotions accountable to logic and reason.
Tools Example: I chose to take sexual intimacy extremely serious with the assumption it creates new responsibilities and creates a marriage bond. What are the responsibilities of marriage? Am I ready for those responsibilities? I chose to replace 'separated' with still 'married'. I chose to replace 'affair' with 'adultery' because of it's damage to the family bond and the breaking of spousal 'trust'. How important is 'trust'? Do I want to be a part of potentially damaging a family bond? Would I want this done to me if I had a family?
When I apply these tools, the result is less heartache and regrets. A deeper respect for women. A deeper value of myself, family, marriage and more.
I good man SHOULD seek a woman who is wise with their history of choices while understanding of her emotions. He will respect you more for doing so.
With every choice you make while 'Getting To True Love' occurs in the background, ALWAYS ask yourself this question, "Would it make me part of the problem or part of the solution?"
Michael, it's always good to have the male perspective, so thank you for posting you comments.
Tracey give yourself a pat on the back for not giving into the temptation to call him to wish him or to talk to him. In effect what you did was put your selfrespect first and that is a brave difficult thing to do. Know that it does get better, as time goes by, and you will be smiling again. I wish you peace and joy.
Thank you Ann. I know it will get better. Its just so hard., but i am proud that i didn't send that message. I suppose in a way i've turned it around and by assuming no contact and hopefully being strong i have rejected him. Well, i like to think of it that way rightly or wrongly. Have a good day, and thanks again
Yes!
WOW. This is so sad,and yet not at all unusual. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Giving yourself to people who don't deserve you, just because they seem to like you. Emotions are very tricky and can overcome common sense. Whew. First of all, if you pay attention to the first few conversations you have with a man, you really do get all the information you need. Married, recently divorced, separated, better than not having anyone at all, physical needs, the need to be needed...............on and on. Women are human beings with real feelings and emotions, but sometimes we fantasize and become too understanding. There is nothing wrong with being alone. Until you learn how to love and live with YOU, a decent relationship with another will be non existent. Women are wonderful people, but we don't act like it. When you have a breakup or are left by a man, let it stay that way. There was a reason for the break up. If he left you for some other woman and comes back to you RUN. Don't be convenient or readily available. Find something you like to do and do it. Don't hate men or close yourself off completely, just PAY ATTENTION. When you get a compliment say thank you. If he has a girlfriend or a wife, keep it moving. Don't become one of the "friends". Men do amazing things because other women participate in their games. Don't be one of those women. The saddest thing about it all is that the Good Guys are going through the same things with females who play the same emotional games. STOP - BREATHE - and START OVER..... You deserve the best, so act like it!
Thank you ladies for your kind comments. I suppose because of our past connection i thought that i knew him, but that person doesn't exist anymore. Just because he came back doesn't mean we are meant to be together, and yes a newly separated man....big red flag. I just didn't want to see it. It was his birthday today. I so wanted to send a message but having cut the contact almost 7 weeks ago i chose not to. Call it my pride, or my dignity kicking in, i don't know. I wished him a happy birthday in my head. I know things will get easier as time goes by, but it still hurts that somebody i knew or thought i knew could dismiss me so readily. Love really does hurt doesn't it. Ah well, onward and upwards. My best to you all.
Tracey, you made the right decision not to send the birthday message. It would have assured him that he still has you on his hook. If you think about it you DO KNOW HIM. You just decided to ignore what you know for one reason or another. I can't say it enough, "women are in control". If you want something REAL you have to stop playing the games with people who don't deserve you. If you believe in God, ask him to give you His grace and peace of mind. Love, real love does not hurt. It is kind, considerate, protective and respectful. Learn to love yourself, and all these things will be true. Don't be afraid of immature men saying you love yourself too much. Just say "sure do".
Carolyn, I think you are probably correct in what you say in that I DO KNOW him. He treated me badly 20 years ago, why would it be any different now?............amnesia perhaps on my part.! Treat me badly the first time......shame on him, treat me badly the second time........shame on me. Thank you for your comments. They have helped.
You are more than welcome. Don't feel shamed, you only want to be loved. We all want that. You want to believe that "people change". They do, but sometimes it just means they have perfected their game. Promise yourself you won't participate in any more games. Really Hear when you listen. Don't get discouraged, keep your head up. Make yourself look good, smell good and feel good. Your emotions will become uplifted as well. Stay beautiful and strong.
Love your strength that comes through here, Carolyn! "Men do amazing things because other women participate in their games" - all too often we forget just how powerful we are to stop these games, but one small glimpse into our beautiful selves at a time, we're getting there!
The guy I was with disappeared on me too.He was separated from his wife , or so he told me. I had just been abandoned by my husband of 20 years and fell hard for the story. I now realize i was trying to fill a hole inside of me. Well to cut a long story short I came to know the hard way that he had not applied for divorce. In fact he was a liar and cheat bigtime. And this after we had been together for 2 years. I dont think it is possible to forgive these men because they dont want forgiveness and are not sorry for the immense pain caused, but you can decide to let go of the grief, and pain, and look on the experience as a lesson in awareness. I know i lost my innocence in the process, but I gained valuable insights , and now protect myself better.
Thanks for sharing, Ann; so many lessons we learn along the way.
Wow...your story resonates with me. My journey is a bit different but the disappearing act is the same. I went through a difficult divorce a few years ago, have a young daughter and in my late 40's. I made a decision to not date right after my divorce and instead get myself and my life sorted first. I was introduced to a man about a year after my divorce through mutual friends who was not yet divorced , separated more than a year, but in the process of a vert negative divorce battle. . He seemed wonderful but as Jane said...I bought into the fantasy..or illusion as I call it, of the perfect man...relationship etc. Well after being together for over 3 years and he still not divorced, I asked him to give me clarity on 'where WE were going....and if and how we were going to create our future. He promised me we would make a life together this year..that he loved me deeply and he could now see he needed to create the things in life he needed such as stable partnership. Well...no sooner was that out of his mouth.. and he disappeared! Acted like a complete jerk...stopped contact with me ..basically just cut me out of his life completely. I have learned a couple things from this. 1. NEVER date a separated man and 2. Go with your gut feeling when something doesn't feel right. If I had done both these things I wouldn't be broken hearted today. I wrote him a goodbye letter this week, wishing him well, but making clear his actions are not a reflection of a decent man...and I deserved far better. I have no need to get a reply from him. Now...Im ready to move forward but no longer with the mask of illusion that I had in that relationship.
Thanks for sharing your story, Julie; when you've been there, you really understand. And yes, it's always a learning experience, even when we'd prefer we didn't have to learn these things the hard way!
One of the essential practices for me in a similar "left me for another" situation was forgiveness of myself. I could logically see and understand who he was but I was so so upset with myself for trusting and sharing. When I would think "ah, I could kick myself"...it became a barrier, to everything really. So, I began to think of the "good" (I opened my heart, which is wonderful!) and to thank myself for loving and trusting...and that brought about this internal shift that is amazing. Because in general in world, loving and trusting is a peaceful, joyful way to live and I am ultimately thankful for that gift!
This is beautiful, Joy; thanks for sharing. I couldn't agree more!
OMG ... this is similar to what happened to me when I reconnected with my first love after 15 years. It was a while ago now but same drama and patterns came up. Then he did he hot and cold and I left town again. I was only there for a few months on assignment but it brought us back together. Bad idea. Past is past for a reason.
We live, we learn. The old hot and cold gets old so fast when you see it for what it is - so much less than you deserve!
Yeah, the minute someone does hot and cold once they are persona non grata and I won't deal with him again.
Never go back to what broke you in the first place,
Remember, a man will never leave his soulmate and he will leave all others until he finds her. This is a fact