Do this. Do that.
Don’t do this. Don’t do that.
No wonder you’re exhausted and ready to give up, my beautiful friend.
Trying to figure out how to find love is exhausting when you’re doing it like this!
But what if he might have called but I accidentally turned my phone off for just a minute and even though the cell phone company said a text or missed call should still be on there, there was still a 0.1 percent chance it wouldn't show up - so should I call him just in case? Or would I sound too desperate if he hadn't called but was planning to call and now do you think he won’t call – even though he was going to – because I called him?
My sweet friend, I more than understand what’s going on here.
You want him to call.
You want him to like you enough to call you and ask you out again. You want to have made a good enough first impression so that he’ll want to get to know you better. You want to have a chance to see where things might lead because he seems to be everything you’re looking for. So you don’t want to do anything to mess this up. You want to have a second chance to make an even better impression.
So what do you do?
Well, if you're like most of us, you confer with all of your girlfriends and they all collaborate on the answers with you. Do this, don’t do this. More rules.
You check in with your mom – she tells you what she thinks you should do, or shouldn't do.
You check in with your guy friends. Don’t do that!
You read through all the advice on the entire internet and find that everyone out there has a different opinion on what you should or shouldn't do. What you should or shouldn't be like.
No wonder you are so sick and tired of being single! This is no way to live!
The reality is that regardless of whose advice you follow or what well-meaning friend or family member you decide to listen to, what’s missing here in all of this is that person you know better than anyone else: you!
And somewhere along the way, she got lost in all of this and hasn't yet found her way back.
Because with everyone else’s voices coming through so loud, hers is barely audible anymore. And considering the ways she’s seemed to have led you down the wrong road in the past, you’re really not sure if you can trust her anymore.
Follow your heart? That’s all you've been doing lately and that hasn't worked out.
Let your mind guide you? Yeah, but that only leads you to the guy who looks great on paper but not anywhere else.
Just relax and see what shows up? Yeah, right, and what do you do when Mr. From Another Planet keeps showing up and no one else?
I get it.
Believe me, I do.
Not so very long ago I went through exactly this process, accumulating more than my fair share of good and not so good advice on what exactly to do.
But you know what I found out? None of it worked.
That’s right. None of it.
Because it had to come from me. When I was ready – really ready. The kind of ready when you come to the place that you realize in no uncertain terms that the way you are living isn't any way to live and you’re ready to hear the truth.
Yes, that kind of ready.
Because, doing and being what someone else thinks you should do or be isn't sustainable.
You can do all those tricks, try all those things, but if they’re not coming from that authentic place of who you really are, nothing’s going to work. Nothing. Because you can only play a part – or someone else’s part - for so long. At some point the real you is going to come out, and if that's not the woman he fell for than it's not going to work.
So drop the rules, drop the trying to be perfect, drop the trying to be someone you’re not.
Whatever you are is beautiful. Because that’s who you are.
If you don’t like who you are, ask yourself why. We all have things we’d like to change about ourselves, but it’s one thing to want to work on becoming a better person in certain areas and a whole other thing to loathe ourselves when all we need to do is change our scenery so we can see ourselves – and all there is to love – in a whole new light.
The kind of scenery that involves removing the influences that bring us down and make us feel like there’s something wrong with us, and replacing them with people who love us for who we are and see all the beauty in us even if we can’t see it yet.
Do you see the difference?
You, my beautiful friend. This is about you being your true, authentic self.
No tricks, no rules, no agenda. Just you.
Beautiful, confident, radiant you. Nothing else matters.
Sorry to ask so many questions on your posts, but after reading this article I wanted to ask this: I recently met a guy and he asked for my number but then said to give it to him at the work out class when we see each other next. I asked my friends if I should write down my number on a piece of paper and say "hey, you forgot to take down my number the other day, here it is" in a happy manner as that is what I would want to do. However, my friends think that I should wait for him to ask again. Is this considered playing games? Which way is wrong/right? I do know that men like the chase, and I am not the one chasing him here as he initiated interest first. What's your take?
Someone who's truly interested in you won't think twice about asking for your number again, Saumya, and he rarely will forget to get it in the first place. If he does, he'll try to get it again at the next workout class. But if you want to say ""hey, you forgot to take down my number the other day, here it is" in a happy manner as that is what I would want to do.", then do that, because being true to yourself is what this is all about, not following any "wrong" or "right" way. When you make it any more complicated than the fact that someone who really wants to get to know you better will always find a way to make that happen regardless of what it looks like, you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why or why not or what if or what should I do.
Thank you, Jane. I have not seen the guy in question for about a week. I did not pay attention his schedule before but I did see him more two weeks ago during my exercise class times, and the last time I saw him was at the BBQ, the Saturday before last. I became impatient because he was the one who had asked for my number and said to give it to him in class; however, I have not seen him which makes me feel anxious. Also, because he asked me for my number, asked if I was single, approached me then approached my friend after I left the BBQ to hook us up and to put in a good word, I figured he would come to the class that I go to to pursue me, instead I have not seen him. Last night at the exercise class, I did not see him. My gay best friend (the one he approached) wasn’t there either. I approached my friend Elisa asking her if she has his number to give him mine. She said she does not have his number but she knows his sister who also comes to the exercise class (I never met her because I am new). She texted his sister “hey girl, your brother asked for Saumya’s number, can you give it to him so he could hit her up?” I don’t know how that sounds, and Elisa said that if he thinks it’s weird to say that she noticed us talking and was trying to hook us up or something. I didn’t care either way because the way I see it is if a guy is truly interested, that would not “ruin” things. Plus, I did not randomly give it out as he asked for my number first. My fear is, what if his sister never gives him my number and I run into him without knowing whether he got my number and ignored it because he changed his mind about being interested or he never got it. How will I know now? Is it that no matter what happened, if he is right for me, he will not stop pursuing me and ask for my number again? And also, if he was truly interested, would he have purposely come to the time that I exercise to get my number, or is that overthinking and I cannot/should not expect that with someone I met a few times?
I like the article. I find this difficult; to keep the confidence & know your worth. So
That you don' t get the idea that you need to convince him that you are the one.
Other day i was dating a guy & i felt that he does not like "me". But yet i wanted him "to like" me, i
Felt this energy that i needed him to proove that i was "it".
I found out that he was not exclusivly dating me, confronted him about this. He said he had feelings for her and me.
And still i felt this energy like "you should pick me"..
I told him that we should not date anymore, and after the talk i cried also because it felt
Like a failure...
Why? I can not understand why. Why do you think Jane? But this article helps me to understand a little moore
So much of it is our programming, Maris. That subconscious belief system we have where we hold ourselves to such impossibly high standards. Where we have to prove our worth. That it matters so much that someone likes us even if they are not the right person for us. We get so caught up in this because it is how we have been programmed to be.
We've come to believe that it's our role to make something work even if it's not meant to work, or else we are failures. That we need someone to pick us because otherwise, there is something wrong with us. And on and on and on. We don't know what it's like not to feel this way! We have so few role models, so few people to challenge these beliefs, that it becomes so deeply ingrained in us unless we can consciously start to give ourselves a different kind of direction, a gentle soft, way of understanding that this isn't what we deserve, that this isn't what relationships are about and that we can't control what someone does or doesn't do, nor would we be happy in the end if we could!
It's about changing these beliefs, giving ourselves a new way to love and be loved without making it happen, without making anyone do anything. Because it's when we give ourselves the kind of love and compassion and understanding and acceptance we're so craving from some external source outside of ourselves that we begin to heal, to grow, to gain a new kind of inner confidence within ourselves that no one can ever take away because it comes from ourselves! That's what we're working towards, Maris, one small step at a time. One small piece of insight and inspiration at a time. One small "aha" moment at a time as something new offers a new light and relinquishes the old patterns that no longer hold space in our hearts or minds.
Love is not logical. It's not supposed to be. There may be some common wisdom but each person and each coupling is different. That is why every love story starts and ends differently. If the Rules were a must to follow to have love, then every love story would be the same.
This is from some of my writings about 'rules' and what's more important.
First let's establish where rules come from or how we might come about their necessity.
If you want to do something with your life there are plenty of colleges or trade schools to help you accomplish your goals. But if you want or should I say think you need a relationship, there's no real sole singled out degree but rather a whole gamut of courses that may or may not apply. Then you start realizing somewhere in your life a relationship is no longer a want because it doesn't go away therefore it must be a need. You accept it as a need like water and food. Because some food is good for you and some bad, it's now about choices. If you don't have needs met, you can die. You notice some are still alive but act dead. You hear good stories and not so good stories from friends and family. That equivocates to rules being broken or followed in your mind and that makes logical sense. For the ones that appear happy with their spouse, they followed the rules. For the ones that are 'together' but don't appear happy, they followed some but not all the rules. And finally, for the ones that seem miserable and unhappy with life, they either guessed or didn't know there were rules to begin with. This may or not be exactly how you came to the existence of 'rules' but it makes logical sense and goes with your observations.
I would argue that rules do exist. I have many times.
I would argue some are objective and universally true for all whether we know it or not.
I would say if there's rules there must be a game.
I don't like playing games. Some are hard, some are easy and some are stupid and childish.
Now I just realized why I hate people that play games...grow up and get over it.
I think 'needs' should should be readily available and not involve rules in a game.
Well whatever this thing is called IT MUST BE IMPORTANT to make a NEED have rules and be in a GAME ?
What YOU really BELIEVE about YOU through your actions, behavior and lifestyle the whole time has been a public demonstration and announcement of YOU.
When I say YOU, I mean your worth, your purpose, what you have to offer...and everything else Jane has ever said.
YOU will be questioned, challenged and validated by a huge array of rules with some being real and some are imposters. Others have same rules and YOU get along quite well.
Relying on outside rules slows YOU down making YOU look incomplete and inadequate.
YOU the whole time have been an ambassador for rules, the destroyer of others and the discovery of new ones.
YOU cannot rely on a book of rules all the time to refer to...YOU believe so much in YOU you eventually just make one up somehow knowing it will work.
When YOU finally stops compromising YOU anymore and realize Jane called this
“Getting To True Love” and not “Steps To True Love”,
then YOU doesn't need rules anymore. In fact, YOU doesn't call them 'rules'. Can you figure out the rest?
So it looks like Jane and I agree.
I'm glad you brought this topic up. I thought you'd bring this and the classic book 'The Rules' up along time ago but no better time than the present and in the moment. I have a lot to add and reaffirm you on what you've said so far, it will take me a while to write and I'll come back.
All my guy friends hate the rules and their long-term relationships have all followed different paths but were all satisfying
... which is why I always wanted an older brother. 🙂
Which is why I have honorary brothers all around. They think alot of dating advice is just silly.