You remember the good times all too well. You can recall every wonderful moment you spent together. You can recount each and every time he told you he loved you. You can recite every loving word he ever said to you.
Of course you can. That’s the type of beautiful and sensitive soul you are!
And so it should come as no surprise that now that you are no longer together, no matter how hard you try you still believe deep down inside that you would be better off still together. No matter what anyone says. No matter how much anyone tries to convince you otherwise.
You miss him.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re missing having someone to spend your Friday night with, or whether it’s because you hate being alone, the reality is that you’re struggling to remember why it wasn’t working, why you couldn’t make it work, and why it had to end.
If only I had done this differently, you lament. If only I hadn’t said what I did, you second guess. Whatever you think you could have done to save it, or keep him happy, or keep your mouth shut, you’re convinced you’ve lost the love of your life. If only you could just have somehow been that much stronger, that less needy, that much more confident, it would have made all the difference.
And so, with these wonderful memories of the two of you living happily together, you spend your time and energy beating yourself up like this over and over again.
Why do so many of us identify with this?
I get it, because it was always what I fell into, too, after yet another relationship ended too soon for me that had shown so much potential. I didn’t know how not to go there. I had no idea how to get over a break up.
But the only thing it does when you spend your time and energy filling your mind with those happy memories is keep you stuck. It zaps your energy. Steals your strength. Keeps you down. And leaves you with nothing left to give to the one person who knows the truth – you!
It’s time to stop this.
I know all too well what it does to our beautiful hearts and souls when we leave things with the promise to leave a candle burning in the window for him – whether we say this out loud or not. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to see the relationship in the light of what really was, not just this selective memory version of those happy memories together that leave out the whole rest of the story. The reality of how we really felt much of the time when we were with him, if we’re completely honest with ourselves and come out of our own deeply embedded state of denial.
Here’s how we finally move past these old scripts that only tell a small part of the story, and move on to the real story that is waiting for us to discover.
Here's how to get over a break up:
Remember all those times you were miserable.
Remember all those tears you shed.
Remember how alone you felt so much of the time - even though you were with him.
Remember all those conversations with your best friend lamenting how he was treating you or how he just wouldn’t commit.
Remember all the ways you weren’t on the same page, didn’t have the same priorities, and didn’t want the same things.
Remember the specific times, the individual instances where it was anything but good. The times you waited, the time you wasted, the moments of the relationship where you felt anything but happy.
Remember those and write it all down.
Write out the real story.
Write it all down and repeat to yourself enough times so that those are the thoughts you remember when you start to beat yourself up for not being enough for him! You know the truth. Your beautiful heart knows the story that you deserve, and both your heart and soul know that it wasn’t that.
If it was, it would have been. You would still be together. Because two people who are meant to be together always are; but only if they’re both on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That’s what real love is all about.
Yes, remember the good times too - there's no reason to bury those wonderful memories and you don't ever want your heart to get hardened. But this exercise will take the relationship out of the land of fairytales and into the land of reality. The reality that it just wasn't the right relationship for either of you.
And then allow yourself to be happy that you are now free to find real love with the guy that's right for you.
How about you? What do find is the best way to get over a break up? Tell us about it in the comments!
This article is great, thanks and much needed for me right now having been cheated on and lied to in a thirteen year marriage which he has just ended. I made mistakes too but I deserve so much better.
You do, Anne Marie. When you learn to recognize the difference between real love and a fantasy, everything has the potential to change!
Hi
Im a danish lady in fourties, and this morning i woke up crying. I read the article how to get over a break up, a suddenly i could see a little glimse of sunshine. I think the grievingproces of a break up, is individual, because we all have our past condition. I sort of lost my famely as a child. So I react very strongly to losses. Somehow we get into contact whit lossses long ago. Then the grieving takes more time. I think the article gives courage and hope and thats what we need, when grieving. A dannish priest and writer has said, "grieff is the price we pay when we love someone". Heidi
So glad this resonated with you, Heidi. And love this quote; it speaks to the truth of how it is because we're capable of loving like we do that we find our hearts with the potential to break like they do. But with the right person, this will be seen as the beautiful quality that it is meant to be!
Well choosing to not be a victim or play one. Take responsebility for your life!
Give yourself space to heal and surround yourself
With people who love or care. So you can feel respected
Or loved.
If your alone, then try or learn how to meet people or make friends.
Because love is more then just what you had with your ex partner!
Love comes and shows in many ways.
Thanks for contributing this, Maris.
For me, hypnosis and EMDR helped and then forcing myself to date alot of people with the intention of making new friends and possibly more were the best way
Thanks for sharing what worked for you, Jackie.
Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh damn Jane! I read your article why he wouldn't commit some time ago and ended the relationship. We then spent several months as 'friends' because he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship (pfffftttt...). Now without being naive I genuinely believed him, as he was only 6 months out of a marriage. Anyway, after another 3 months being friends I basically said "poop or get off the pot!". He decided on the relationship and believe me when I say that it was great.....IN MY HEAD! He was bang on the money when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Seriously, when someone is actually communicating to you in no uncertain terms they don't feel emotionally ready, then ladies for god sake listen to them. YOU are not the one that will change him. YOU are not the one that will make him ready. YOU are not the one can that fix this poor bloke! Walk away. He may be charming, complimentary, lovely to your friends, cuddly, attentive, affectionate and all the above, but the signs around commitment are there. I promise you!
I was unbelievably patient and thought i was all of the above. I let him know it was ok to feel how he did. It was ok that his head fell off every time his past crossed paths with his present day. It was ok he couldn't move on even though his ex was planning her marriage to the new guy. It was ok to have the conflict over being single and finding me too soon. ERRRRR HELLO NUMNUTS! Not ok!
So, his past crept into today again last week, So I said "if you need space, take space. I'm not going anywhere. When you have worked it out come back and we'll work through it. I know you're having a hard time and are scared of being hurt again. We'll work through it and eventually it won't happen as often". Generous hey! My point is that when he did exactly that.... Took his space for two whole weeks with not one text, phone call or smoke signal.... I took mine too. I am not beating myself up because I can honestly say I did all I can for the relationship and it still didn't work. There was nothing more I could do, so there's no hindsight, I wish or if only I..... There is only "suit yourself". If you're man has a pair the size of tiny little tic tacs and is maudling over maybe not being emotionally ready for a relationship, then save yourself a year and tell him to take his little mouse size balls and squeak off! Move on with your head held high cause even if you stuck it out longer than your friends thought you should, you did all you could and his emotional readiness has nothing to do with you.
I don't think I have anything more to add, Katie; your first-hand account of your experience with someone who obviously was not on your page says it all! Thank you for all the reminders inherent in your story to see what is, not what we want it to be, or what we think we can change it to be. When you can see it this way, there is no rejection, just two people on different pages and not meant to be together. Thanks for sharing what you've learned here, Katie; I can feel just how passionate you are about never wanting to go through this again!