I was with a group of friends the other day, and somehow the subject turned to husbands. These are women who have all been happily married for quite some time, with children of all ages, from all different walks of life.
They understand that happily married with happy families doesn't mean fantasy happy, it means reality happy.
They have real lives with real husbands and real families and real life realities. These realities often include serious difficulties, but also include serious joy.
The conversation started around the subject of one particular husband and how physically attractive he was. Although I couldn't toss my opinion into the mix since I hadn't ever met him in person, the general opinion seemed consistent – he was very good looking.
But what I found really interesting was how this conversation among friends quickly turned to what these women really found attractive in their husbands, physical looks aside.
What's really important.
It became about the time he spends with the kids, the time he’s home and not at work or traveling for work or out with his friends.
It turned to how often he helps out around the house, cooks dinner, cleans up, picks up groceries, and pitches in by helping out in so many ways with the daily running of the house.
And how he helps with raising the kids, and generally being that supportive husband that lives right there in the middle of that messy reality of life.
They weren't talking about how well built he was, how successful he was, or how he walked, talked, or moved. They weren't talking about how much money he made or about his full head of hair or how charming he could be.
What they were talking about were the things that really mattered when you’re choosing someone for the rest of your life instead of just for the current life stage you’re in.
And that’s my point.
When you are choosing who you are going to date, ask yourself what really matters to you for the long term. Narrow your priorities down to what will really matter to you down the road. Surface things will change. Those things that run deep like character, integrity, honesty – those things don’t change.
You’re doing the choosing here – make sure you choose wisely.
Choose someone whose character and personality you will still want in your life years from now when you’re on a different path, maybe even a path you weren't expecting.
A path where chemistry and attraction and great sex are no longer your biggest priorities.
I agree that some level of attraction and chemistry is important. But without the real love that’s found in a relationship based on the fundamentals of being there for each other in a very real way that matters, attraction and chemistry quickly fade.
On the other hand, when the fundamentals of character, integrity, trust and shared values are there, attraction and chemistry keeps growing and getting better and better.
So while you're on this journey to find the guy that's the right one for you, make sure to look deeper than what you’re seeing on the surface and find out what’s really there, underneath.
Is he worth it? Does he have what it takes for the long haul?
You, my beautiful friend, deserve so much more than just what’s on the surface.
So how about you? What matters most to you in a relationship? Tell us about it in the comments!
It takes time and patience to find a compatible mate. The only way to find out what a person is really like is to spend time with them. Watch how they treat and relate to other people. Pay attention to how the two of you handle disagreements. Respect yourself and keep a positive outlook.
These are two very important - and telling points, Carolyn; how they treat others, and how you handle your disagreements. Both of these set the stage for so many real life situations in the future. There will always be disagreements, but how they are handled can affect a relationship in ways we rarely realize until it's too late. And to sit back and observe from a third person view how they treat so many different types of people - this says so much, too. Thanks for sharing this with all of us. 🙂
I think people may rush too fast and discover too late that they are not a good match. But by then they have blended their lives and its harder to break up.
I think deep down everyone wants a mate to share their lives with comfortably. The problem is we (me also) don't have the skills or knowledge of how to choose a mate (until you get old). Women do the choosing (he can't be with you unless you agree). But life is moving so fast we think we can deal with the things we don't like about a person, because there are so many things that we do like about a person. Sometimes those things are very important so we end up getting a divorce.
There are no easy answers but I think that the reason arranged marriages work so well is because old wise women match you up and you both have to agree. I personally wish I came from a background of arranged marriages.
The lady we knew who had her mate arranged was matched up with a violent man. No one knew before hand, but she found out the hard way. I think arranged marriages last because some women accept abuse as part of the deal. No thanks. No one knows what another person is like unless you actually spend time together. The nice representative can only show up for so long. That real person exposes himself eventually. You just have to wait it out and pay attention. And don't be afraid to ask questions!
Enlightening post Jane , to say the least. It made me get a little clearer on what i wanted in a future partner. And that is so helpful. I think that sex is so over rated today. what we need to remember is that we should look for a truthful man who we can trust. Then the love , respect and intimacy will follow. Thanks for helping me to get more clarity in what to look for.
So glad you enjoyed this, Ann. It was such an eye-opener for me as well in writing this to look back on all the things I thought were so important at the time, to realize what those things would have looked like in the real life reality of today. We learn, we grow, we figure out what we don't want, and then, as you say, we get clearer on what we do want and eventually become strong enough to refuse to settle for anything less.
Sex too soon can hijack someone's mind. They may see closeness and connection with someone that is not as strong as it seems.
I'm SO glad you said that! I was trying to find a nice way to say that, but there is no nice way. Women and men view sex in totally different ways. Women are receivers and their minds think that if they have sex they are receiving emotional connection from a man. Men don't think like that at all. Unless there is a REAL relationship BEFORE sex, it may as well be a ride on your favorite roller coaster. You get on, have a fun ride and get off. Women are so worried about losing a man, they will do things they normally would not do. When a man wants to be with YOU he will find you no matter where you are. Let him do the chasing.
I've heard many men who are relationship experts and coaches say that. And these are men who work with both genders. It's a consistent message from these guys regardless of age and stage in life. And men I know have agreed with them. This is why I think people end up with the wrong match for too long because they crossed the physical boundary too fast.
Beauty fades but character stays. Chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing. Chemistry is important and needs to be there but there are different types of chemistry. Unfortunately, physical chemistry can fade while emotional chemistry is more likely to endure. Compatibility is based on character, commitment, communication styles, values, and temperaments. If more people knew that chemistry and compatibility were not the same thing then they would pick better partners and not be hijacked by hormones.
"Beauty fades but character stays" - love how you put that, Jackie. So true!
I've heard that quote for years and it makes perfect sense. I have discovered that first hand when I met men who were very good looking but male bimbos and I was out of there.