You don't say it, but I hear it.
It's because I've been there, too. It's in the mostly wordless shame and doubt and unworthiness that comes through in between the lines of your written words. The words may be different, your stories may be very different, but the unspoken feeling is the same:
You feel like this is your punishment.
This common theme emerges. I'm being punished for something.
If we trace this back, its roots are deep within our culture, deep within our religions, and deep within those people who meant well but somehow passed along the opposite message of what they intended.
We feel we failed.
We feel like we made poor choices, we made mistakes, we did something wrong. This life we are living, this seemingly endless search we are on, we feel this is our punishment.
This feeling of unworthiness, this lack of love in our lives. We believe it's all our fault.
We feel like we can't measure up, that we failed the test, that we can never make it up; that we are unlovable, unworthy, and this loneliness, this pattern of being with men who treat us this way, this pattern of coming close but never quite getting to real love, is our punishment.
And the worst part is, we believe we can't make up for it. It's a heavy judgment we allow ourselves to bear.
If you know all too well what I'm talking about, then I have something especially for you to remember. Wherever you've been, whatever you've been through, there is so much still to come for you. It is still your birthright to love and be loved just as you are.
The effects of thinking like this, of seeing this so black and white with such judgment on ourselves only feeds these feelings of unworthiness that leave us stuck and missing out on so much that love and life have to offer us.
It's not true.
It might serve our culture well to continue the pattern of blame, and shame, and punishment, but it doesn't serve you well, my beautiful friend.
It's time to throw off those deep, dark feelings of shame; to refuse to take on any more of their stuff. It's time to lighten your load, to remind yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone worthy of you and to get out from under that oppressive belief system.
It's time to stop believing that you deserve to be punished.
Here's the truth.
You are loved, you are worthy, you are deserving of all that is loving and beautiful in the world! You deserve nothing less than this, my beautiful friend. And when you finally see the truth in this, when you finally realize that in your heart, you've known this all along, you will see what is waiting there for you.
That's where love is.
My ex was a wonderful person, in that he never carelessly accused me or made me feel bad about myself. But sometimes, this makes the self-doubt even worse, because I feel that I am the "bad guy", the one making accusations, wanting "things". The inexperienced and needy one, which threw everything out of balance. Oh, the things I/we could have done differently: We should have taken it slowly in the beginning, I should have set clear boundaries and clarified my expectations. It is hard to admit to oneself that we could have still been together if I had been more aware of certain things and also more patient. On the other hand, I'm thinking/hoping that a strong love would yield. It would not have ended, if it would have been worthwhile. This lifts the burden a bit off my shoulders.
Exactly, Alex. I'm so glad this realization helped to lift that burden a bit! We burden ourselves with so much, we can use all the lifts -no matter how small- off these shoulders of ours that were never meant to hold such weight.
Hi Jane..I absolutely busted into tears as I read that it's not my fault! I just broke up with my boyfriend because he would not commit, and it has been a hard couple of weeks. I did talk to him the other night and he became so angry and absolutely blamed me for everything. The one comment I cannot get out of my head is he told me the night before my birthday the comment I made was a deal breaker. What I said was my birthday celebration lasted all week, not just one day and that I can be spoiled. I was absolutely joking with him and just mentioning that I really wanted us to spend time together. I guess he took it the wrong way and he told me that was when he checked out of the relationship. My birthday was 4 months ago. Why is he just now throwing this in my face??? I feel so stupid and like I should have never said anything like that. I did not realize that was it for him. Then I asked why we kept going for 4 more months and he said I am the one who kept it going and that we just mutually used each other. (Which is not true). This has hurt me so bad and now I am blaming myself!! I feel like if I wouldn't have made that comment that things would have been different. He even mentioned how he punished me after that comment by not going to a concert with me (tickets he had bought long before my birthday). This all has made me feel so unworthy and so unloved. Even though we are now over, I feel like I need to prove to him that I am not the demanding person he thinks I am. There were still mixed signals though for the past 4 months where none of this makes any sense. I just want to feel better and not feel so stupid for the comment I made.
Don't take that on, Allyson. Don't beat yourself up about this for one more minute! If one little thing you said could have been his "breaking point", you can know it wasn't really about that. It was about him, it was about where he was at, and it had absolutely nothing to do with you! I wish you could see this the way you'll see it years from now, when you look back on this and see this the way it really is; someone who just isn't there on the same page as you and instead of being honest with you about where he was at, he chose to blame you, to put this all on you and absolve himself of his own responsibility here.
This isn't a rejection of you, Allyson. If someone was truly right for you, there's nothing you could have said or done that would have been a dealbreaker; someone who's there, who wants to be with you in the same type of committed relationship would "get" you and your sense of humor, and any other of your idiosyncrasies that we all have.
You didn't do anything wrong. You can't do anything that's so unforgivable with someone who loves you for who you are, who's truly compatible with you. Don't do this to yourself for even one more minute, Allyson. There's someone who will love you for every part of you - including your sense of humor! - and will never leave you feeling like this. You're worth so much more than this!
I'm scared of this, this guilt, punishment has left me bitter and angry and it shows when I go out. I get paranoid sometimes and when I have been drinking I get bitter and angry. Last weekend (I know regret this so much) I became so lack of confidence that I saw myself ugly the whole night and not desirable to anyone. I was so angry that I told guys to go and look for that perfect barbie and not to talk to me. I once again saw myself as a teenager or as a school girl that was mentally harassed because of my looks and rejected although I wasn't really. I am not an alcoholic but I'm so scared now and afraid I get these emotions again. I'm sad and all Id love is to find someone who would love me who I really are...but all they seem to be is interested on my body and it hurts me.This in return comes out when I have drank alcohol and that's why I don't like to drink so often. Am I in trouble? I've been single for 6 years already and I'm sad. I felt better before but now I feel more panicky, like I'm almost losing my hope. Thanks again for the great article I hope I can soon hold my head up high again and let go because I know that I need to free myself again from the anger and bitterness and be happy even when I go out.
You can do this, Annie. It takes looking behind the anger and bitterness and fear to see the story behind those emotions, but once you know what it is exactly that is causing you to feel angry and bitter, you can release the power these emotions have over you. Take your own beautiful power back, my beautiful friend. Remember that the only place these stories exist is in your own mind. The moment you question them, the moment you bring them into the light of today so that you can directly address them, they will lose so much of their power for you. You are not your past, you are not anyone else's story. You are your own new story. The one that begins now.
You write your own story, Annie. Take back your own power and don't let anyone else take it away or put their own story on you. There is so much more to you than your body if you let your intelligent mind, your tender heart and your beautiful soul take center stage. There is so much more to you than what anyone has seen before. You have so much to offer, so much to give to the right person. Look for a different type of guy then you've been looking for. Try something different. Avoid the alcohol; you don't need it. There's nothing to escape from. Take a chance on getting to know a different type of guy and see what might be there. Try not to think and overthink so much but just be - I know that's so much easier said than done, but it helps.
There's nothing wrong with you, Annie. This is a journey, each of our stories is different, but what we all share is the reality that we've bought into a lot of stuff that was never ours to take on. And neither is it yours.
Taking on what is not our responsibility only hurts us more.
So true, Jackie; we do this to ourselves far too often to the detriment of our beautiful hearts and souls.
This is why I believe that it's important to work with relationship advisers who can help steer us to see what is our responsibility vs the other person. Not about being a victim but just taking on responsibility for what we are truly responsible for.
That's exactly the balance, Jackie. Taking on responsibility that isn't ours to carry makes us the victim and leaves us believing everything that happens to us is beyond our control which only leads to learned helplessness and despair. On the other hand, not accepting responsibility for what is ours to own takes away an opportunity to empower ourselves to learn from our experiences, to do something different next time, and to realize just how much control we do have over what is ours to control. It's in recognizing that difference that we can discover what makes us powerful, confident and beautiful human beings with the truest of loves as our birthright!