I’m guessing you’ve read all about the places you’re supposed to go to meet men. Whether it’s on the news, on the internet, in your favorite magazines or books; by now you can probably list the top ten places to go to meet men. I remember when I first heard that the grocery store was on that top ten list of my time.
What did I do? I headed for the grocery store. During the hours of 7-9 PM.
Because that was when they (whoever that particular they authority happened to be at the time) said was the most likely time to meet other singles in grocery stores.
And then the stores must have heard about it, too, because some of those stores jumped on the bandwagon and started hosting singles nights.
At the grocery store.
Because after all, isn’t that what it’s all about? Being in the right place to meet your soulmate?
Well, yes and no.
Go where the men are?
On the one hand, there are certain places that are known to have more of a ratio of singles, places that attract single men. Like sports bars, hockey games, baseball games, football games; many of the stereotypical places where men tend to gather with their buddies to grab a few drinks while cheering on their favorite teams.
That kind of stuff.
And if you go to them, chances are you will meet more single guys than say, if you went to the book club meeting at your local book store, or the place where you get your nails done.
But the equally important point to be made here is that if you can’t stand sports, if you’d rather do anything else than watch a game and don’t know anything about it, nor do you care to know anything about it, chances are that going to a game to meet a guy is not going to land you your version of Mr. Right.
Do you get that?
If you have an interest in these places where the guys are hanging out, then by all means, go there and have fun in the process. But if you’re only going to look for your future husband, then maybe it’s not the best place for you to meet him.
The one who’s going to be compatible with you.
Because if he’s there, he’s usually pretty interested in what he’s going there for – the game. And that means he might just want to have an intelligent conversation about said game. With you. And that means you might need to know something about it, too, so you can have that conversation with him.
Make sense? Good.
Make sure it's where you want to be, too
Now that we’re clear on that part, let’s get to the other part.
The part that says that even though there are some places where you’re more likely to find a lot of single men, the best place for you to meet your Mr. Right is probably somewhere where you’d like to go, too.
Like the places that have things that hold your interest.
So if you’re into art, then an art show might be the place to meet the kind of guy who’s more likely to be compatible with you. Regardless of how many single guys are statistically and historically noted to attend art shows.
Or maybe you’re into some environmental cause that includes you getting involved with some activist groups where you might be more likely to find a guy who shares similar interests.
Or maybe you love to dance and are taking dance classes where you might find a partner who likes to dance, too.
Or maybe you volunteer as a Big Sister because you want to help children and you end up meeting someone who’s a Big Brother at a fundraiser because you both share the common interest of helping children.
If you’re doing what you want to do, and you don’t come any closer to meeting the man of your dreams, so what? You’re still having a great time doing what you enjoy, and you’re spending time following your own interests, your own passions, your own heart. And by doing that you’re building your own life. Only when we have our own life are we able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.
Are you getting what I’m trying to say here?
It’s fine to be going where the single guys are, but make sure you’re going to places that you’re interested in going to, too. And if they happen to be the same places, great.
If they’re not the typical places to meet single guys but they’re places you love to go to that interest you, that’s even better. Because chances are, those are the places where you’ll meet someone who’s a keeper; read: someone who shares your interests and gets the things that you get.
Because regardless of how much the numbers might be in your favor hanging out at the stereotypical guys places, what you really care about is finding the guy who’s right for you, not just a single guy. And chances are your Mr. Right will be somewhere where you’d like to be, too.
And while you’re waiting for him to show up, let’s talk about what you can be doing while you’re hanging out at the places you like to go - we'll cover that next.
thanks Jane, your advice is sound and makes huge sense. Im 50 in July a single mother of six wonderful talented children and still looking for Mr Right but have decided Im better of and far happier on my own than with a man who doesnt appreciate me or respect me, or uses and abuses me no matter how much I love him. Whats the point of me being with a man who's only interested in the pub, drinking, smoking and that includes drugs too- (Im a non-smoker), his mates come first unless of course he was sexual gratification....he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life....(when he's all messed up by drinking and drug use). He also battered me black and blue and I loved him so much I wouldnt go into the court room to testify even though the police had photos of my injuries and witnesses. He repaid me by moving a girl half his age into his flat having just met her days before....he then ended up convicted for assaulting her and a police officer...then of course he came back to me and I like and idiot took him back as I had been so heart broken of losing him that I lost over two stone in a few months as I simply could hardly eat. You might wonder how I got involved with such a loser. When I first met him I thought he was a 'straight' kind of fellow- I had no idea until we were a couple of years into our relationship that he used drugs as he had concealed it from me. First he turned up with the 'smoke' which I thought well, to each his own. He claimed it helped 'calm his nerves' and he did seem much calmer and happier on it (but the silly laughing could be annoying). Eventually one night he pulled a bag of a white powdery substance out.... then it all made sense why he was always 'sniffing' and rushing off to his flat 'to do some business'.....On the drink he is a violent and nasty person. When sober he is a kind, generous and talented musician. However I am a swimmer and into taking care of my health and not into drug use. I also am a (classical) musician. It was really companionship for me...but now even that is losing its charm as he is always more excited about going to the local pub (drug den) or when he has too 'see someone about something' which means I now know , drugs. All that seems to matter to him is 'getting stoned'. The other night he drank all night went to the pub at 9 am then drank whiskey and Guinness all day then drank that night- along with powdery substances....I only know because for the first time in my four years of knowing him I stayed up all night and witnessed the whole thing (I was playing spanish/classical guitar and other blues musicians were playing and singing too which kept me occupied or I certainly could not have done it!) Then he took all his problems and woes out on me and blamed me for the entire pub he invited to his flat after closing time ! When I write this all down it sounds like a total waste of time and Im exhausted just thinking about it. I even tidied up his flat the next day and later on I found more empty bags with residues of white powder and I confronted him and he claimed they were from the night before... I now know that he is using in the day and covering up as I had tidied the place myself. Its definitely time to get out of this 'relationship' if I can even call it such....I thought he was such a decent fellow when I met him but looks can be deceiving. He looks very young for his 53 years and I think thats why he gets away with so much... I never for a moment thought he was a dope/coke user when I met him- and then after a couple of years I thought it was just a 'one of' ....but now it seems it constant ....Unfortunately for me I fell in love with him before he caused me actual bodily harm (ABH and threatening to kill me). I also became dependent on him as I was diagnosed with an illness in recent years and my children had to go and live with their uncle and aunt as I was not able to care for them. It was that first year they were away when I had time on my own for the first time in my life and he was there- going to the shop for me getting me groceries in when I wasn't well enough to get there, or bringing me a take-away when I wasn't well enough to cook....he was good to me when good, but equally wicked to me when in bad form.
GOOD NEWS: I made a decision yesterday to STOP caring about him. I need to respect myself as being worthy of more than what he offers me- which at the moment is disrepect. He has told me he 'would shag anything' that came his way and has constantly pestered me for 'threesomes' with any other women he fancies even his cousin last week!!! At my age I'm just not up for any of this- it is not my scene. I loved him and could not sleep with another man. Obviously he is NOT worthy of my love. He is a user and an abuser. I shall now free myself of him and move on... even if it means having no one....I would rather just men as friends now and forget relationships for a while. I shall focus on getting my health back . I am so worn out with it all I just have no energy for any relationship at the moment. But I'm Free. I'm also considering doing a 'Womens Aid' course called 'Journey to Freedom' which I hear is very good. (It's for victims of domestic abuse). Thanks for your helpful advice , it's helping me 🙂
oh, Carolyn; my heart goes out to you. You've been through so much. But you have found your power, your beautiful strong voice, and you are indeed free! It takes so much to recognize the reality of what is, but in doing this, you have given yourself a fresh start, a new beginning.
You are not your past, my beautiful friend, and while the journey to let go of old habits and patterns and behaviors that didn't serve us well in the past is never as easy as we'd like it to be, learning to love and respect yourself are new habits that begin to change not only the way we treat ourselves, but the way others treat us. You are worth so much more than what you've been through, Carolyn, and I'm so glad you've found something here that resonates with you. Know that this is a place you will find understanding, and compassion and grace, and you are never, ever alone.