One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."
This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.
I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.
I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?
There is a reason.
It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.
Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.
You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!
It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.
And that should be our red flag.
Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.
And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!
My advice.
My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.
She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.
On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.
I'll finish with a short story:
I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.
A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.
Some things just can't be rushed.
Love the article and to piggy back a little bit off the comment left by Jim identifying the flags early on is what can save yourself much pain in the end game. I usually tell the guys who come up for advice that the flowers and gifts are for serious relationships solely. The getting to know phase should be something to celebrate on both sides. I mean after all you don't want to rush something that you'd like to last forever. If I may...looking at things from the conscious perspective: one simply can attract what they want by being that. The law of attraction works wonders if you believe it to work. I think the most important take away is if you're googling whether or not you're moving too fast there is a good chance that you are. Your intuition is screaming you just have to silence the white noise and listen to it.
On the other hand should you encounter someone that goes too fast too hard, knowing the signs and what to look for will arm you with a choice. You can then decide with that knowledge whether you'd like to stay in and see where it goes or not. You have the power to create the best version of your life possible, as long as you're prepared to do so. Remember how they treat you is a reflection of what they feel on the inside about themselves. It has nothing to do with you. One can call it co-dependency, victimization, or any of the other narcissistic qualities that would encapsulate the person for whom you're dating, but the end game stays the same. You have the power and never give it away freely. Owning your power first and foremost will ensure that any who try you with the games will be uncomfortable to even try them. They won't be able to match your frequency, so 9/10 times they will leave the situation. I leave with this quote by Wayne Dyer, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Find comfort in your stories and know that if their foolish enough to let you go be smart enough to let them.
Women should remember not to go for the players 90% of the time. As a guy I've been exactly like this guy and it works..... BUT I wasn't playing, I want the relationship and even fell "too fast" and to be let go because she thinks I'm the conquest chaser who will dump her in a moment is really sucky for me. But even more so for her in a way. She goes on and get 10 more fake versions of me becoming more and more jaded, having her heart broken when the player is just good enough to outsmart her. All the while she gave up the one who wasn't playing her because of these kinds of insecurities.
Btw it hurts more to see someone you truly care about throw away their happiness more than it hurts to lose yours..... That's if you really truly cared.
Hi I have this friend and she knew this guy for 2 weeks. she went out on one date then she started calling him her boyfriend and saying things like she loves him right now they been seeing each other for seven weeks he propose to her she accepted now she is taking him to meet her parents in Italy I told her she's moving too fast she disagreed. given what I told u how long do u see it lasting plus she is 30 years old and she has one kid .
She'll find out soon enough how long that will last. Sadly, even though she's your friend, there's not much you can do. It's her life. You can only support her decisions and be there when things get real. These things should be lived by the people who choose them. It is rough, I know what it's like to not be able to say anything when you see it so clearly.
Hard to say, Victor. It will last for as long as it works for both of them, as long as both of them remain on the same page. That part is up to each of them.
A guy I met online just broke off an intense relationship with me after just over a month of being together. We fell hard for each other on our second date. But a couple of days after that, I went on vacation for a month. We stayed in constant contact and spoke everyday, though. I was smitten. He was intelligent, funny, kind, and physically attractive. He called me beautiful and sexy and told me about all these wonderful things we would do together. He told me that he thought of me constantly and that he was crazy about me. He started calling me 'babe' after two weeks. We never said 'I love you', but we were acting like two people who were. I never thought I'd ever have a guy like that interested in me. I felt like I had won the lottery.
Things got more intense over the weeks, but then I felt him start to withdraw slowly. I tried to come up with explanations and excuses for this, and I kept being the same with him even though I'd noticed a drop in his enthusiasm. By the end of my trip, I was the one instigating the conversation and keeping it going.
And then I came home. We met up a couple of days later but he said he couldn't be with me for long because he had somewhere to be early in the morning. Still, as soon as we see each other and we fall into each other's arms. We do some of the things we talked about doing. The passion is there, but again I notice something isn't quite right. I try to ignore it but, looking back, I shouldn't have. I tried to talk to him about the fact that he seems more withdrawn, but he denied it. I had asked him a couple of times before that, too, but gathered the same response. I know now that I shouldn't have left the conversation there and we should have discussed it more.
The next couple of days, he becomes more and more distant. This is when I reach breaking point and decide that we should talk properly and not avoid this subject anymore. So I tell him to call me. He calls me. And before I am allowed to talk, he tells me that he just wants to be friends because he realised after we met up that he just wasn't ready for where it was headed. And now I am utterly heartbroken. He has apologised so much because he realises now that he got too carried away. I can't let him take all the blame, though, because I encouraged him. We both should have known better. Perhaps if we had, it wouldn't have happened like this.
I want to give us both some time and space. But I am holding on to the hope that, maybe, after we've both had some time and have gotten to know each other as friends, we might be able to try again and take it slower next time. I wish I could just let him go, but I can't. How can I? I have never felt so strongly about a person.
Believe him, Natalia. He's told you he just wants to be friends because he isn't ready for more than that. I know you want it to be different, that you believe if you had just done something different, that it could have been. But it doesn't matter what you're being so hard on yourself about, or what you're reliving that's keeping you holding on so tightly to what could have been if only you had done something when you were still there. Don't put yourself through that because this isn't yours to fix. It has to come from him and he has to want more, too.
A relationship is about two people on the same page who are willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship happen. That's it. Either he's there, or he's not. You know what you want; don't settle for someone who knows what he wants and it isn't what you want. We can try to make ourselves settle for that, but why? You deserve to be happy, not to pretend you're able to live with someone else's terms when in your heart of hearts you know you can't. None of us can for very long if we're honest with ourselves. Find what he gave you in you, Natalia, and it will be easier to move on. And in the meantime, don't rush it. We fall hard when we have a belief in love like we do. It takes time to let go.
Thank you for your advice, Jane. It's been nearly two weeks now and it is getting a little easier, though the pain is still there and I still miss him. I just really miss talking to him. But I know I can do this. It'll just take time.
Take all the time you need, Natalia. You're not on anyone's timeline except your own. 🙂
I met a man on the dating site 4weeks ago. We chatted for a week then he asked me out for coffee. We both hit it off and it felt like we were on the same page. He is 8 yrs younger than me, I am 55. He is nearly everything I look for in a man. After the first date, I never heard from him for a few days, then when i texted he said he felt he cant be in a relationship right now because of work and his children coming and going but would like to keep friends. I agreed and said it would be nice to go out now and then, he did a 360 and asked me to his place for dinner and movies, and I could sleep in his bed while he had the sons bed. I arrived candles, music and good food. We chatted on so easily then while watching the movie he gave me a cuddle and kiss and said, would you go exclusively with me. I questioned him as he only wanted friendship and said im happy with that. Well he assured me he wanted to see how we went. I really was into this fella, we seem to be on same page and showed same interest. He was also very attractive and such a soft speaking person with gorgeous eye, something I hadnt experience, my last was quite fat and a negative person who when we went on a trip to Thailand he found himself having a massage with extras!!! Of course I left him. So I wanted to take this man slow and I was not going to get intimate but one thing led to another and we became intimate maybe I was blown away.
He asked me around in a couple of days and it was wonderful and THATS WHERE IT HAS STOPPED! I get the odd message and he does reply to my messages which is every few days, and he always says we must catch up but kids and work there so short time I am now questioning his connection and whether he was serious or just was in the moment of time. People tell me to hang in and just wait as he could be true with kids being on holidays. I have been asked out on dates but decline as I didnt want to go behind his back if he is serious.
What do I do? I am in two minds...one to believe him and allow him time and space for a couple more weeks or just think it was a great time and forget him.
I met my Prince Charming 2 years ago . I met him at his sisters 50th and fell instantly in love . He persued me although it was a long distance relationship he assured me he would be back every month , he was also separated and had been for 5 years but assured me has was "sorting " it . He told me I was his soul mate and within a week had sent me a new lap top . I was flattered as nobody had ever done that sort of thing . I went to Paris with some friends and he had arranged flowers and wine in the room . He really was my " Mr Shades of Grey " , he sent me beautiful loving messages and paid for me to go and visit him in LA , and literally spoil me rotten . He bought me a beautiful "promise ring" and promised me he was going to sort his divorce out , get a transfer back to the UK . We had 3 weeks together and I have never felt so in love . He then went home for 3 weeks and the communication was great , he then came back to see me and he was a changed man , I tried to put it down to jet lag or stress at work but looking back that was the very moment he changed and to this day I just can't get my head around it . This guy I thought was the one , turned into a emotional uncommitted narasstic guy over night !! It was another 8 months before we finally split as I just couldn't take the coldness him blowing hot and cold , the silent treatment if he didn't agree with what I said , I have read so many articles about his behaviour which has helped but it's going to take me a long time to get over this one. When we finally split it was because in the end he just couldn't commincate or see my point of view he told me he was like this in his last two relationships and didn't think he was "relationship material " at 53 I think it's about time he grew up and respected other peoples feelings . I know I am better off out of it but it's extremely hard .
I'm sorry you had to go through that, Sarahanne. It is hard to overcome, but you can get through this. And try to see thr experience objectively so you can learn a lot from it. There lies the treasure of all this heartache. It shows us what we need to see and identify within ourselves to be able to mature and evolve. You're not the only one that has gone through this. Many of us have gone through our own heartache and situations. Details vary, but in the end it is always devastating when it ends. Try to analyze yourself from a compassionate and objective perspective to see what can be adjusted. Find out who you are as a person and what is deeply important to you. That is the most important step: to get your clarity so you can get out of the dark place. Lots of love to you. I was reading an article by a wonderful love guru that warns women about separated, divorced men or men who just got out of a long term relationship and this is exactly the kind of thing she explained. I see the article all over your story above. She mentions that normally, a healthy man who is separated, divorced or out of a long term relationship will not use the time for conquests or for getting involved with other women. He will instead use this time to work through his own issues by himself for a good while before either going back to his marriage or ending all ties and leaving things healthily behind. Beware of these men. Make sure you get clear on what you sincerely need and find just that.
Hi i came to your website to get an understanding, my partner of 8yrs has left me for a girl 14yrs younger than him and they are rushing into everything its only 6weeks and they have already found a flat and are moving in together in the next month when flat available. To make matters worse im pregnant with our 4th child and this young girl is pushing him as much as he is manipulating her......they say they love one another but surely this cant be real? If this was my daughter i would be angry and upset but her parents are allowing him to sleep in her bed most nights and i think are helping them move in together she is 26 he is 40. Has anyone ever been in either my or her situation? Do they go back to partners or do they stay with the person they leave for?
I hear your pain, Colette. Know that this is about him, and whatever he's doing and why, it has nothing to do with you. If he's moving this fast with someone, there's something going on for him that he may not even understand himself. Why people do what they do, and allow and enable what they do, isn't anything we can answer if we're not them. We all have our own triggers, our own issues, and our own reasons for why we do what we do, even if they make sense so no one else but ourselves.
Whatever he's going to do, he's going to do. Sometimes these men go back to the ones they left when they've got what they needed and are ready to go back to the way things were. Other times, they stay with who or what they've found and or move on from there. Everyone's different, and you never know for sure what motivates an individual.
Focus on you, Colette; get the support and help you need to get you through this difficult time in your life. He's going to do what he's going to do, but the one person who deserves your love and energy and time more than anything else is you. Make sure you're getting this for you!
Hi Jane. Just like your initial story I too have a close friend that seems to be moving quickly. I would be less concerned if she had a more healthy outlook on being in our late 30s single and childless. She has a pattern of meeting men and placing an expectation of a long term relationship on them after 1-2 dates. Only to then have the relationships fail. She has been on a very well known dating site and was contacted by a nice looking divorced man. They exchanged numbers and he called. They had a great initial conversation that lasted several hours. Good sign. By day 4 of only phone conversations she proclaimed that she could fall in love with this man. She went as far as inviting him to join her on a trip she has that isn't for another 6 months. He has said she can tell him anything without judgement. He has also said things like no other woman has made him feel the way she does. She has already shared very personal information with him. They have had 3 dates in 3 weeks. Recently she has even stated that he is her future husband and that they are now in an exclusive relationship. She hasn't been to his home. She has not met his family or friends. As a friend i am extremely worried that if this doesn't workout she will be devastated beyond repair. I love her and want her to be in a HEALTHY and TRUE relationship. Any additional advice? Thanks.
Your friend is so fortunate to have a friend who cares about her as much as you do, Michele! But she has to be willing to see this for herself, and unfortunately, if this pattern is working for her on some level, then she's not going to be very motivated to make any changes. It sounds like she has some work to do on her own self-esteem and confidence so that she won't fall so easily for these men before she gets to know them better to know if they're truly worthy of her. Sometimes, as hard as it is to see our friends go through devastation and heartbreak, you can't know her journey or what will help her see what's going on here. Know that it's not up to you to fix things for her, if she won't listen to you telling her what you foresee in the future for her. By being that beautiful friend you already are, you're doing a lot, because if and when she decides to do something different, she'll be better off because she has you in her life.
Hello, I think my story has the potential to be a tragedy or a fairytale. I started dating this guy about a month ago and we have been together everyday since. He is needy and co-dependent, but because he really is amazing and an extremely nice guy I want to care for him constantly anyway. He admits that he has a tendency to disappear, and so do I, so we are extra cautious with each other. We are talking about moving in together within a month, started looking at apartments. We are both scared we are going to screw it up but still we can't help but say "so what", "why not". He knows all about me and I know about him. He has trouble accepting that I was a player like he was and gets into jealous fantasies and is very easily scared I have left him.
At least you both know where each other stands, Zeynep. If you can keep talking honestly like this - just like you're doing - you'll be able to have that open type of communication that will alert you to whether it's becoming more of a tragedy or a fairytale. Keep us posted 🙂
Hello Jane
I am in a complicated situation myself. In the beginning everything was beautiful, we were working in the same same hospital and he just got divorced. I was divorced for about two years and didn't have anyone since then. Flowers, gifts, attention and I love you right in the first date. He was already married three times and had children from all the previous marriages. He lives with his sister and there is a pattern of him living with someone else and never on his own before he gets married to someone. I was so lonely that I felt for this trap. He convinced me to put my house for sell and find a place closer to the city where it would be more convenient for work and so. We even went to few places to gather some information. One day, I decided to ask how we would do to pay for the down payment of the new place and expenses and he told me that I would have to take it out of the money when I get the house sold. So many red flags. I had some money coming and I decided to use that money building a savings account for us both. It didn't take long for him to go in our savings and spend every single penny. Recently I lost my job and here I am, no money and he does not help. He is working two jobs but is always broken and never offers any help now that I need so much. I have two beautiful daughters that depend on me and I can see the many mistakes I made. I tried to break up with him so many times but we always get back together. One of those days, he told me that he was not ready to move in or get a place together since he had to organize his life and pay some debts. I know that I need to get out of this situation but I am afraid to be alone again. Please, help me.
Ask yourself this, Christian; could being alone possibly be any worse than being with someone who treats you like this? Could it really? What are you really getting out of being with him? What is he worth to you? In staying with him, you are spending all of your beautiful you thinking about him, dealing with him, trying to figure him out and every day reminding yourself that you are not worth more than this because he reminds you of this simply by the way you are allowing yourself to be treated. This is no way to live, my beautiful friend. And you know this, you see the red flags, you recognize that he doesn't help, that he's taken everything you have, emotionally, physically, financially, and still he wants to take more.
You are strong enough, Christian; you can do this! You have so much to offer someone who is truly deserving of you! I know it's scary to think of being alone again, but being with this man is so much scarier. Choose you this time. Choose that beautiful woman who knows who she is and what she deserves deep down inside, and isn't willing to put up with these types of behaviors anymore. If you can't do it for her, do it for your daughters who are learning about what it's ok to put up with for the sake of not being alone.
There is so much more to life than this, Christian, and if you just take a chance on you, you will never know all that is awaiting you. You can do this, you are so supported here, and you will look back on this and see it for what it is. The irony is always that it's not until we're out of a situation like this that we can begin to see all that's been there all along, just waiting for you to choose you.
It is amazing that this happens to so many other people and I wish I wasn't one of them! I couldn't believe it when an attractive and seemingly nice guy was completely infatuated with what seemed like every aspect of me... Although I never reciprocated these strong feelings of adoration, I did believe him when he would tell me he loved me and when he said I was the woman of his dreams. I knew it was strange for someone to be so forward so quickly but I let myself become clouded with the idea that it would be possible for someone to love you when they meet you... I honestly believed everything he said and then ended up being the confused and abandoned one after only a week. Even though I never loved him or even came close, I still liked him and I am bewildered that someone can say so many things he didn't mean! At first I excused him for messing with my emotions by chalking it up to his passionate nature, but now I'm just a little angry because I think he got lost in a game trying to win me over I guess. I'm not heartbroken about him being gone, but I'm disappointed in myself for falling into a trap that I even recognized but ignored because I enjoyed being the object of someone's attention. Pathetic, but never again!!
You speak for so many of us, Jordan, who learn these things the hard way and recognize our own role we play only after the fact. Far too many of us have refused to listen to that little voice that knew something wasn't right in the face of that chance that he could be that one in a million!
Forgive yourself, my beautiful friend; you're human, just like all of us, then be so proud of yourself for at least being open to recognizing what happened. Far too many of us, myself included, learn of our own blindspots to this type of man only after we've repeated the scenario on more than one occasion.
Can't believe this has happened to so many others too. I met a guy at a temp job in the summer and after only two dates I started to really like him and see a future with him despite the long distance, he said all the right things and was incredibly romantic. Telling friends about the dates made him sound cheesy but I loved the attention. He went out of his way to visit me at home and even invited me to stay with him at his parents home. He suddenly changed during my visit and became very distant, when we said goodbye he said we would arrange to make plans when he got back from holiday. After he returned I text him asking what was up and never got a reply and he then deleted me on facebook, completely disappearing from my life. So confusing but it's definitely been lesson not to move too quickly because you fall so hard, think I'll just go for a drink on the first date next time!
I'm so glad this resonated with you and helped you see that this isn't a situation unique to you, Sarah. It's a lesson most of us end up learning somewhere along the way, and yes, like you, usually only by experiencing this firsthand! 🙂
I have learned that the men who are so fast to declare affection are players most of the time. They like the excitement and thrill of the early stages. The one's who are "slowburn" were the best ones long-term. Maybe it's just my experience but the fast involvement that is dizzy making often makes me concerned that they are rushing for a reason, but maybe not a good one.
I couldn't agree more, Jackie!
OMG, this is exactly what happened to me just now.... Well, i met the guy on-line but we were doing great. Then he started to talk and push more and more before we even met. I felt it was a bit overwhelming but at the same time, I liked how he talk and being open about himself. So I was comfortable talking to him without any hesitation. I flat told him that i'm looking for a long term relationship, and he totally agreed and then after seeing each other almost every day in a week, he agreed to be exclusive. Things were going very well, and he treated me very well. Then text msg started to become more less and not so much communication... (although he said he's a phone person and at the beggining of dating, he called me at least few times...becomes almost none)
Then I just asked him that if I can introduce him as my boyfriend since we are exclusive.... Then he said that he's gotta too many things going on and he has things he put on hold and want to pursue, etc.... then disappeared!!!!
I wasn't mad or anything so I tried to get hold of him, but nope, he didn't return my call or text, disappeared like a ghost!!! This is never happened in my dating life (which not so much but still....) and really took me off-guard and I'm just having hard time to wake up from this fairy tale..... and trying to move on to my new journey......
Tae, Try and see this from the perspective that you've been saved so much more pain and heartbreak by finding all this out now, rather than down the road when you've invested so much more time and energy - and your beautiful self - in someone who isn't on the same page as you. As difficult as it is to go through this - and I know it is, it doesn't get any easier the more involved you become. We've all had our experience with having to wake up from a fairytale we so wanted to believe in, so know that you are not alone here, and that once you can accept the reality that this is about two people on different pages and not in any way a rejection of you, you'll find it so much easier to move on and say "Next"!
I used to be one of those living in fantasy land- I was needy and so easy target for one of the predator types. The bottom line -I got taken for a rollercoaster ride which ended in him walking away, dissapearing like magic. Today I find myself a much more wiser person because of the experience but it took me a long time to get to a point to pick up the pieces and attempt to move on.
If theres just one thing i learnt from this experience it is that trust is never automatically given. It is earned, and if you will take time people reveal themselves and their patterns of behaviour. Unfortunately most of us learn these lessons the hard way.
So true, Ann; and I love what you say here "... trust is never automatically given. It is earned, and if you will take time people reveal themselves and their patterns of behaviour".
You are so right that most of us first learn this the hard, heartbroken way.
I agree - these guys are players. Only someone who shows interest in your feelings and who you are as a person has the capacity of sticking around and being a truly loving caring partner. Showering someone with gifts is nothing more than buying their affection as there is no true intimacy building between the two. Someone who comes on too strong has an agenda and that agenda is all about him.
Thanks for this, Leslie; you added a couple of great points here, that sound like they came from firsthand experience. I can relate 🙂