So many of you have come to me with questions about long-distance relationships and how to make the best of them and what to do when you’re in them, that it’s time to delve a little deeper into what makes them work or not work. Whether they’ve turned into a long-distance relationship because he’s gone into the military, because he’s taken a job somewhere else, or whether you’ve been apart from the start, the reality is they’re never easy to be in, especially when your heart wants to be with him. You just never seem to have enough time to talk about the things you want to talk about when you don’t see each other on a regular basis.
So how do you make it better? How to get through this? What do you with the insecurities and doubts that this type of relationship often brings up? There are always so many questions, but few answers.
Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself:
1. Is he the right guy for this?
The number one thing I’ve learned from both my own experiences with long distance relationships and all the women I’ve known who’ve been in one, is that the most important part is to choose the right guy to have a long-distance relationship with in the first place. Since long-distance relationships are the perfect place for a guy who isn’t comfortable with commitment to hide in, the number one thing you want to be sure of is that he is in it for the same reason you are. To be together. To get to know each other as best you can in a less than ideal situation. Someone who is on the same page as you and who ultimately wants the same thing you do.
It can be hard to tell this in the beginning, but if, over time, you come to see that you are both at different stages in your life and want different things and the lack of close proximity is working well for him, but not for you and he isn’t moving towards changing this, then those are all red flags. They are warning signs that indicate the need to rethink whether this relationship and this guy is the right one for you and where you are at this stage of your life.
2. Can I trust him?
Does he call when he says he’s going to? Does he show up when he says he’s going to? Do you generally know what his schedule is? Does he include you in his life as much as possible? Because you aren’t together in the day to day living of your lives, it is so important that you can trust each other. If you find he often changes plans, changes when you’re going to talk, when you’re going to finally see other, and generally keeps much of his life to himself, those can be warning signs that indicate this is not someone you want to be in any kind of relationship with, but especially not a long-distance one.
When you can’t see him or call him just anytime because of time zones, work schedules or just your different locations, it is crucial that you feel like you can trust him. If all too often you feel the need to call to check up on him or see if he is where he says he is, these can be just your own insecurities with a long-distance relationship, but more often than not, there’s a very real reason why you feel the need to do so. Listen to that and see if there is more going on than you’re comfortable with.
3. Does he share a commitment to getting together in person?
At some point, every long-distance relationship needs to have two people who are actually together to see if this is really going to be the relationship it promises to be. Both you and he need to be working towards making this happen, and not just by paying lip service to the idea. If it’s his job that keeps you apart, does he talk about a transfer or is he looking for one closer to you, or helping you find a job closer to him? If it’s the military, is there a plan for when he will be done his tour and what the two of you will be doing to be together after that, especially if his plans aren’t yet certain? Does he have an attitude of “let’s just see where this goes”? Or is he trying to make actual plans with you? There is a big difference between the two, and you want someone who is as excited about finally being together in person with you on a permanent basis as you are about him.
Keep living your own life!
No matter how much you want to be with him and want to believe that the two of you have what it takes to make this relationship work, the reality is that you only want to commit to him as much as he is committing to you. In real life, what this means is that you keep living your life, you keep enjoying your friends and family, pursuing your own passions and hobbies and interests, and keeping the focus as much on you as a separate person as the two of you as a couple. Keep it balanced. Until he’s committed to you, you don’t have any real commitment to him. He needs to prove that he is worthy of being in an exclusive, committed relationship with you, and until he has, you have no business living like you are exclusive with him. Yes, this could be the relationship of a lifetime, but if it is, it will be. You don’t need to rush into anything, even if the distance is killing you. If you both want this to work, to see where it may lead, then trust that it will happen just as it is meant to without you having to do anything to make it happen faster except show up and keep being the real you - your beautiful, confident, radiant self!
Please consider adding something in our comments section if you are currently in a long-distance relationship or have been in one in the past. Many of our readers would love to hear how you coped or are coping, what worked for you and what didn’t, what you learned most from the experience, and anything else you would like to add that could benefit someone currently in this situation.
Hi jane, I've been in a long distance relationship for four years now... I've recently met him we've seen each othrra three times.. But ive notice a change in his behavior like for. example unreachable .., he tells me it's because his stressed out because of his job i tired ti be understanding thr first few times which was months ago im so confused i don't know what to believe anymore. I need some type.of advice asap
Have been in a LDR for 8mths now. Its my first LDR ever and have been googling signs if he loves me, how to have a successful LDR, signs on cheating. Well all the literature points to faithful, good guy and that he loves me. When I read ur article and when u stated that doubts are common, well that made me feel normal. All the articles are black n white, no grey. Ur article is more grey (real) and helped me. People need the truth, the REAL DEAL. I tried 2x breaking it off n felt too sad. I am divorced n was in a mentally/verbally abusive marriage, so YES, I got issues. He is a great guy and no ones perfect. The only complaint I would have is I dont see him being a "cry on my shoulder" kinda guy. He would give words of advice n go to the nxt thing on the list.... We talk/text daily, I feel I can trust him, just have my insecurities. He has given me nice gifts with his feelings on cards. Its so true, to make a life for urself as well. As much as I would love to b w him, my mind needs to b occupied. The great thing about this LDR to me, is I have learned alot about myself, what im made of and have grown along this journey. When its all said and done, in the end, when we "tie the knot" I will honestly KNOW that I married b/c of true love and thats what I have been praying for this whole time. Time will tell.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this article, Daizy. Time will absolutely tell! And it's always up to you to decide how long or short of a time you want that to be.
Hi, I just wanted to tell you I apprecaite this information. Since April 2014 an old friend of mine (also one I used to have a crush on in HS) and I have been chatting long distance. He is in a complicated situation (meaning he's going thru a separation) and told me he plans moving back to my city (which hes from) and made some plans in the future for us to do until then. He also told me that he plans on visiting in the near future. We also chat almost everyday, and I honestly have never been in this experienced this type of relationship, meaning nothing more than friends right now, but IF it were to blossom into something more (later on), then that would be great. I have to keep in mind HIS situation and MINE. I realize WE are not together and we both have that understanding. I think he may be the greatest catch ever, but I must be patient.
I'm so glad you found this helpful, Brandi. If you have your eyes wide open like this and remember that the kind of love you want - and deserve! - is never complicated, you'll know if he's worth getting to know better. Remember to keep focusing on you and creating a life for yourself that fills up your own cup so full so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't make or break you.
I met a guy online 5 months ago. He lives in Connecticut and I live in Maryland. He asked me to be in a long-distance relationship. I was hesitant but ultimately agreed to give it a chance. Everything was great--we texted, talked on Facebook every day, and by phone twice a week. We even made plans for him to come down and visit and then ultimately move to Maryland. I was happy until one day he told that the job he had was only temporary. He had been through about three different jobs since we were together that I know of. I wish he just would have been honest because that was a huge red flag to me. Once week, I asked if he wanted to be friends because I was just unsure of where the relationship was going. He said “whatever” and proceeded to ignore me the rest of the week--would not text me back, reply to my Facebook messages, nor return my phone calls. I considered us broken up and went on with my life. He calls the following week to apologize and we got back together. Long story short, he does it again. I immediately break up with his voicemail. He has been calling me repeatedly (I cannot block his number) begging for another chance but I told him no. I deserve better than someone who is habitually unemployed, is not honest, and really needs to grow up.
Thanks for sharing your story, Emily. It's hard enough to know enough about someone before getting involved with them with a relationship that isn't long-distance, but in a long-distance relationship, all this becomes even more difficult, as you have found out firsthand. It sounds like you have learned a lot here, especially about knowing what you won't settle for!
I am glad I learned a lesson. It is becoming more complicated because now that he wants a second chance, he is been blowing up my phone constantly (I cannot block his number). He has even had his mother call me. It is becoming pathetic. I am glad he knows he messed up but he will just do the same thing to me again and again,
Being able to recognize this is huge, Emily; and isn't it amazing how when you finally see it, you really see it all!
Yes it is amazing. I am not going back because it would be against my better judgment. We are just way too different in many ways not just willingness to work. He has a lot of growing up to do and at his age if he has not done it by now, he never will. My parents and all of my friends are supportive and agree that I should not go back.
I started with him 7 months ago when we first met online, then we exchange emails for a week and finally meet when he comes up to visit. Sparks fly and we were instantly attracted to each other. He plan a surprise visit two weeks later and everything just seems so real at that time. When he left and return to his home state, we continue to email but then for some reasons, it just is so hard to keep it up especially when you have the urge to see him and talk in person and you can't. Emails become less, phone calls becomes less and there are so much uncertainties, of not knowing what each other's life actually is, finally I emailed him in early DEC and ended the whole thing. I was sad and very disappointed but life goes on and I learn so much about myself from being with him. Even though it is sad, the saying still holds true: it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. Someday, I will find the right person because now I know very clearly what I want and together we will make any type of relationship works.
Thank you for sharing your story, Amy. It's never easy to end something that could be so much more "if only", but you are wise to recognize that the lessons we learn through loving and losing than never loving at all, are never ever wasted.
I was in a long distance relationship once and I started noticing so many things,he kept on postponing the day for me to meet his people,when he would come meet mine,for one seemingly genuine reason or the other. His plans were always changing,it got to a point I always had to process and analyse everything he says to convince myself to believe him or not,that was when I concluded that this was a wrong relationship. I told myself its better to be single and available for a right man to come than to be patching up and be miserable with a wrong man. I stopped it and I'm happy I did
So true, Ibukunoluwa; I love how you put this, "better to be single and available for the right man than patching up and miserable with a wrong man". Thanks for sharing! 🙂