Don't Give Yourself Away

3 months? She laughed. I couldn't do that, Jane!

I was telling a single friend of mine about a client who waited a few months before becoming intimate with the guy she was dating because she wanted to make sure he wasn't just interested in sleeping with her, but actually wanted the same commitment she was looking for.

She believed she had a right to have sex, to be intimate, on her terms when she wanted it - not just something men get to do - and she wasn't going to give that up. She did have that right, but it came with a price, too.

Here's what this looks like in real life.

You're going to think you've finally found what you're looking for.

He's going to seem so different from the rest. He'll show you all the signs of being into you and you'll feel like all the work you've been doing on yourself is finally paying off. He's going to seem genuine.

He'll act like he cares about your feelings and he won't be afraid to show you his feelings and let you know how he feels about you.

And then there's the fireworks where you've never felt quite this way about anyone else before and you're starting to think he could be Mr. right.

Here's the problem.

This is where you're going to be like my friend who's telling me she can handle it. It's where we want to let our guards down completely and let our hearts take over, but it's not that time. YET! Instead, this is where you take a deep breath and let your practical mind have a say before you’re in any deeper.

Before you give yourself away.

Before you give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve you - your body and soul - because I know you know exactly what I mean. There's the point we reach where there's no turning back. The place where we throw caution to the wind and let ourselves get caught up in the feelings that change everything about our normal, thinking, rational selves.

It's such a short leap between that place where we still have our heads and can think clearly and that place where the pull of what he offers us becomes stronger than the protection of our true selves. It's that leap between when we can still think logically about him and the relationship, and how much we still don't really know about him and about how much we still need to let time tell if he really is different. If he really is worth getting exclusive with. Because no matter how much we try not to, this is our MO.

This is our MO.

This is what we do all too well. We fall head over heels for the guy who sweeps you off your feet, pursues you like there's no one else but you in his sights, because it makes us feel that good.

That wanted.

That desirable.

Because what's really happening is feeling like that helps erase all our previous feelings of unworthiness that we carried over from our original hurts as a little girl. From a time when we felt like we were never enough and had to prove that we were loveable just as we were.

So subconscious, but so true.

It colors everything.

Because it's not just about him; it's about you, and how good this feels to be loved and accepted like it seems you are when you're with him.

And while that is a wonderful part of falling in love with someone and a part of what true love is all about, if you aren't careful, you can begin to see things the way you want them to be and not the way they actually are.

You can begin to see him in the light of his potential, and not in the light of reality.

I know you're thinking that's just the kind of loving, caring, giving, woman you are. And this is what you do, this is your pattern, with every good and beautiful intention. And one of these days, it's going to work out so you're going to keep doing it.

But I come back to this point, because it's what I keep hearing from you as your biggest regret only after the fact. You don't really know him well enough yet.

You don't. Not yet.

He hasn't had enough time to prove his worth to you.

You have a history of seeing the best side of a guy you're falling for. You have to ask yourself if this is what's happening again.

You have a tendency to not see the other, less favorable sides of him.

And because you ARE such a loving, giving, pleasing soul, you forget that he has to show you how much he deserves your love, not the other way around. That's your thing that you always do - proving yourself, showing why you deserve to be loved to get this guy.

And every guy who you actually choose because he's just like someone else he represents who was always so hard to get!

Don't do this.

Don't give yourself away like this too early - no matter how you justify it - before you've give him time to show you who he actually is.

You deserve to be loved! You deserve to have someone truly love you for yourself just because you're you. And you don't need to prove that to anyone.

Don't give yourself away until you know he's the real thing, it's real love, and he's in it for the kind of committed relationship that you want. Make sure he proves that to you first. Consistent actions over time are how you find out.

Don’t settle for anything less.