Once upon a time you were a little girl who knew her worth couldn’t be measured; a little girl who believed in herself and her dreams, which were big dreams, and that little girl knew she could do anything and that her dreams would come true.
Until they came along and told you that you weren't all that, that you weren't worthy, and that they knew better than you did. They told you it wasn’t ok to do this or that, that it wasn't ladylike, or feminine, or appropriate for someone like you. And you believed them because you believed they knew best. And you were taught to be a good little girl so that is what a good little girl should do.
Until one day your own feelings of worth and your beliefs in yourself and what you deserve got so stuffed down inside you that you no longer believed you could follow your dreams and become whatever you wanted to. And you began to doubt yourself and believe instead that you had to prove yourself worthy instead of remembering that you were worthy just because you are you.
And then you found yourself looking for a man to complete you so that you could finally prove to everyone that you really do have worth, that you really are special and deserving of someone who loves you.
He came along, your prince charming, full of promises of love and dreams, and you finally had the validation you'd been looking for. Until he broke those promises and left you devastated, questioning whether you really were still worthy and still deserving of all that love and life had once held for you.
But then another prince charming came along full of those same promises until he, too, eventually left you alone – again. And then another and another. It happened over and over again until you truly believed you were unworthy, that you really weren't anyone special and that you didn't deserve anything more than these crumbs left behind by the princes. You no longer believed in your dreams, in your worth, and settling for these crumbs became a part of your new vocabulary with pleasing and working so hard for love becoming your new mantras.
Until one day, someone told you something you've never heard before. That it's a lie. It’s all lies that you’ve been told. You’re not that. That’s not you. That’s what they wanted you to be and pigeon holed you into. But that was never you. It turns out you actually knew better; they didn’t. They didn’t know the truth even though you were so sure they must know more than you.
They didn’t.
But no more. That light’s coming through. A little bit more now. You’re starting to get it. It wasn’t about you; in fact it never was – it was about what they wanted you to be. They wanted a little girl who was sweet and ladylike and feminine and didn’t rock the boat, didn't put up a fuss, didn't make work for them. A little girl who took care of everybody emotionally, agreed with everyone, kept everything harmonious, made everything happy, kept things predictable, and made everyone feel good.
You know exactly what I mean because it happened to most of us. But’s it’s a lie. All of it. We’ve bought into it because they were supposed to know better. And when we pleased them and lived our lives like this they loved us so. And that felt so good. To be loved like that. So we lived like that to be loved like that and here we are; doing it all over again. And again and again and again.
But they’re not calling the shots anymore. They’re not in control of that little girl that's still inside you anymore. You can do whatever it is you want to do. You can become whatever you want to become. You can follow your dreams whatever those dreams might look like. You can do and be whatever you want to do and be. Because the very worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out the first time you try (which it never does) and you try again, armed with a little more knowledge. You'll figure out what to do next because it's in the trying, in the living, that you find out what you can really do.
If you don't, you'll never know what might have been.
You see, all of this search, this whole quest for the perfect guy, the guy who will complete us, is really about our search for ourselves. If we can just first find ourselves, he’ll be there waiting for us, because he’s been looking for us too. But we’ll never see that if we’re only looking for a guy to make us feel OK, to complete us, to make everything all right so we don’t have to make that journey ourselves.
So it’s time, long overdue, to get out there, and start living. Really living your life the way you want it to be. Not this waiting kind of living where we live with only a little passion for ourselves, saving it all up for the guy we think is going to do it for us. Start living the way you were born to live. Claim your birthright for yourself. Start listening to that little girl inside you whose goals and dreams got squashed down so very long ago. Start listening to her and start seeing what she can really do.
Because you are more than worthy - you are special and beautiful and you deserve nothing less than all that life and love have to offer you.
Believe me.
I swear you were writing about me! I will revisit this piece often! Thank you! I’m just now seriously working on myself after a sad breakup with someone I thought I’d share my life with..unfortunately we had different ideas as to what that entailed. So after 5 years, at the age of 56, I’m focusing on me. Your site has been very informative. Thank you!
I LOVE this! I'm not really sure how I can across your site but you are truly insightful, gifted, and an amazing woman. I'm a body love coach for trauma survivors and this is the exact message I'm trying to convey to them. Working with the moment where we dimmed our light and decided that our body was our battle ground and the way it looked had to be in service to pleasing others so we can get love. I think we heal from the chain of toxic relationships through rediscovering our worth as you describe it. This really helped me remember my life purpose and vision, I got a bit waysided. Thank you.
Oh Janelle, thank you. Your words resonate so much with me. I'm so glad you found your way here and stopped long enough to let me know. 🙂 Keep up your own amazing work. We need more and more and more of you!
Thank you Jane. Lovely words of encouragement. I remember when I was a little girl and I used to perform for my family my latest scripts I wrote, they would watch in joy. You see I'm a writer and working towards getting my first novel published. Its my dream and passion and now I'm focusing on my gift and that right man will come into my life.
Love hearing these special memories, Shelley. I wish all the best on the road to realizing your dream. This is your gift!
I found her deep down inside and she's not afraid anymore.
Thank you Jane 🙂
So glad, Jennifer. I can tell she's not. 🙂
Thank you so much, Jane, for this post. It's awesome. Very touching and so true. You're a very beautiful person. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You're really helping me out.
You're so welcome, Rob; thank you for your sweet words! I'm so glad it resonated with you and you're finding help and support here. While all my posts are written from the heart, this one was especially so. Know that you're not alone, my beautiful friend; as hard as that can be to see from where you stand right now, there is so much more still to come! Don't let anyone affect your beautiful heart and soul like this!
Little girl with big dreams, Wow that was me. This is my story. Who knew that there were others who felt the exact same way. This realllly spoke to my heart.
So glad this spoke to you, Latasha; this was one of my most emotional blogs to write because it is exactly this story that so many of us stuff so far deep down inside that we forget she's still there inside each of us, waiting for her turn to finally live those dreams.
This is so profound, Jane... Again, thank you + congratulations for sharing this raw truth advice, which I do follow NOW to be the happiest person I know... Yet what I am now is contrasting from my previous behavior of pleasing everyonte, just to get their approval... What for? What a waste of energy! It does take courage, but soo worth it!
It really does take such courage to dig deep and see what is there underneath so many surface behaviors, Monica. But you are so right, that it is worth this journey inward to replace that old pleasing everyone with healthier ways of relating that don't depend on the approval of others. This can be so hard to change, but it's so very rewarding in the end.
Hi im 19 and when i read this i nearly cried. I was suicidal at a young age and by the time I 16 I was in a mental hospitol. I met my first love when i was 17(too soon after going through alot) we were together for two years but then exactly two months ago he broke up with me. I dont have any friends to hang out with and get my mind off of him. All i want is him and im starting to feel suicidal again. i need to tips on how to just be happy with myself and not feel so needy and clingy to him. he says he still wants to be friends and we have reently" hooked-up" since the break up but im confused because he still calls me babe and before he broke up with me he said he could see himself marrying me. I would do anything to get him back but i realize i have to fix myself. Ive been unhappy since i was about 5 years old. any advice??? i would greatly appreciate it. and i could give your more detail if you would like.
You've been through so much already in your young life, Kieona; of course all you want is to have that unconditional love you more than deserve. Sometimes, as much as we want it to be different, the person we are looking to to make it all better, has other ideas. It takes real courage to recognize that this is really about you and that you need to fix yourself before you can see things clearly, because before we can even begin to be in a healthy relationship with another human being, we need to learn to truly love and respect ourselves in a way that allows us to receive that kind of real love.
I would encourage you to find someone you can delve into this with; a therapist or counselor or other professional who can give you the specific attention you need to begin the journey back to that beautiful little girl that is still more than worthy deep inside your beautiful self.
Hi Jane,
Thank you so much for "touching" our hearts with this story.....
Melanie
This was definitely one of my more emotional pieces, Melanie - it runs so deep for so many of us. Thank you.
There are moments when the message arrives in perfect sync with the painful lesson; the timing ....divine, Thank you.
I'm so glad this resonated with you at a time you most needed it, Tracey. I've been working on this one for awhile. 🙂
Wonderful piece. I would add, that this doesn't ONLY happen to little girls.
So true, Jim; thanks for the reminder. And thank you.