I know; we've all been brought up to be very good little girls. And we've become very well-behaved women. We learned well that we were to put others needs before our own, and not be selfish. And we've done just that, haven't we.
We're oh so good at meeting everyone's needs except our own. We know all too well how to take care of other people, especially the men in our lives that we've made so many excuses for over the years. We can cater to everyone else with an amazing sensitivity to what they need, and we know how to make them feel good about themselves.
But in the process there's someone whose needs we've overlooked over and over and over again; yes, I'm talking about you. And the role you play all too well. At the expense of yourself and your own needs.
It's time to rethink what it means to not be selfish. And this time, beginning right now, wherever you are, wherever you've been, whatever you've been through, it's time to be selfish.
You heard me right: it's time to look at ourselves, at our own lives, at our own needs, at our own legitimate desires of what it takes to make us happy, and be selfish. Because we've been concerned with everyone else for far too long. It's our turn.
I know full well just how uncomfortable it feels at first to think like this. To even think of yourself as being selfish. But it's OK. In fact, it's more than OK, it's actually necessary. Because it's not being selfish that's gotten us to this place in the first place. This place of broken hearts, broken dreams, broken selves.
All because we've been so good at playing the part of the perfect selfless women we were brought up to be. Putting everyone else and their needs first. It's time to let that go, and give ourselves permission to be our true selves, our best selves. The selves that can only be when we give them the time and attention and care that they need to grow, to live. To become all that we're meant to be, all that we're made for.
We don't need anyone outside of ourselves to give us permission to shine, to focus on ourselves for a change. It's our birthright. We just forget it most of the time, while we embrace the programming and conditioning that would have us looking after everyone else until we have no idea who we even are.
This new way of being starts today, with baby steps. We've got a lot to learn about taking care of ourselves, meeting our own needs, and focusing on ourselves without feeling guilty for a change. It's not going to happen overnight. But it will happen with each moment, with each thought, before you put someone else's needs before your own.
Stop. Listen. What do you need? Does deferring to them undermine you and what you need right now? Does giving that standard answer, the one they're so used to hearing, does it serve them or you? Yes, they may not like it, accepting change is never easy for anyone. But that doesn't mean it's any less necessary to do it. It's how we grow. It's how we become everything that we are. It's how we start to become confident in ourselves.
It's how we finally break these old patterns of being a doormat and allowing people to walk all over us and treat us the way we've been allowing them to treat us. Any of them. Whoever they are. It's time to make that change, regardless of what they might think. Because there's only one person living our lives, and that's us. And we're the ones who are finally going to start truly living our lives.
Starting right now.
Oh wow!
This is truly what i needed to hear from the heartbreak i recently experienced. All of your articles has been therapy for me. I did not no what to do are how to handle my pain and thoughts when my fiancee disappeared from my life with no explaining. All the replies and comments has strengthen me from being powerless. To gaining a crip by putting things in the proper perspective This allowed me to see the red flags from the beginning in the relationship that i just swept under the carpet and called it something else because i wanted to be loved and excepted so badly i allow this man to take me for granted. These articles have litterally informed me that I got to love me first so that i can receive the proper love from another.. Thank you dearly I am committed to these articles..I'mgetting the help i need from all the articles.
So glad, Alice. That's it!
Thank you Jane for this article. Its my first time to come across your articles. Thank you so much hope to learn a lot as I have been struggling with self doubt, low self esteem and this has lead me to try and please everyone.
Welcome, Kesa! I'm so glad you're here. You're so not alone; so many of us learn to become pleasers early in our lives, and then continue this pattern until we eventually only know who we are in relation to other people. The results can be devastating to us when we carry this pattern into our love relationships, and find ourselves heartbroken and alone, wondering what went wrong.
Then the journey begins, and from those ashes of our broken hearts, we learn that we can never make please anyone except ourselves. We learn, and we grow, and we eventually come to see that we are worth so much more than this, that we deserve to be loved for who we are and not how much we please.
Dear Jane, thank you for such an inspiring article. I’ve read many of your articles and find many truths in them.
I especially like this article because I have experienced it, and I’m still in an on-going process of building my self-esteem.
I used to be a people-pleasing girl and always prioritized other people’s needs although sometimes I had to sacrifice my own in the process. I couldn’t say NO to others and I had a very low self-esteem. Life was stressful. I felt like being a fake & hypocrite because I didn’t do things from my heart. I did everything based on what I thought people would like me to do.
I tried many self-development programs, but there wasn’t much improvement until one day I decided to love myself more. I learnt to defend myself and my right. I learnt to say NO.
And since then, my self-esteem had improved tremendously. Now I’m more confident and have a better self-image. And now I do kindness from my heart. I don’t do what I don’t want to do like I used to be.
I feel being more original and sincere. To my surprise, I’m more likeable the way I am.
I think it shouldn’t be called being selfish. We are just being true to ourselves. 🙂
Thank you for all your articles and your concern for others. Do continue writing many many more great articles. GBU! 😉
Thank you for your kind words, Li Min. I hear exactly what you're saying here, about this process of learning to say "no" and realize that we have a right to our own boundaries and our own choices that reflect what we really feel. It really is an ongoing process for so many of us and I thank you for sharing your story. I love you how you put this - "we are just being true to ourselves"! 🙂
It doesn't surprise me at all that you are more likeable the way you are now, my beautiful friend. There is something about that genuine authenticity that comes shining through as a beacon of inner strength and confidence, no matter how difficult the journey was to get there!
I loved this article!! I'm at a place in my life right now where I'm learning to do this. I'm reveling in being single but also I'm taking this time to deeply learn about myself, my needs, and my future desires. It's a been a great journey so far. Thank you for this article and reminder to not lose ourselves in relationships. 🙂
Thanks, Kimster - you're so very welcome! That's great you're learning to focus on yourself and your own needs because it's not an easy process to break out of when you're used to focusing on everyone else - especially in a relationship with someone you're really interested in. Being too much of a pleaser without taking your own needs into account can be detrimental for even the best relationships. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
I really liked this article - it portrays an interesting line of thought. Also, it is a very good pep talk for all people that do nothing else except please others because they think this is the 'proper' thing to do. Good way to go (honestly)!
Thanks, Loanna - I'm glad you liked it. And I agree - the so-called "proper" thing to do keeps many of us trapped in a cycle where we never get our own needs met. Anything I can offer to work towards freeing ourselves of that benefits us all! 🙂