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Is this you?

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sad woman walking on the city street at sunset
You mean I have a voice?

If you've never had someone model boundaries for you, if you've never learned how to find your own voice - and use it, there's something you need to know about finding it.

It's not easy. It won't feel natural. And you'll wonder if it's okay to have discovered this at all.

See, no one ever tells you how uncomfortable, how completely out of your comfort zone it’s going to be for you to learn a new language that includes the “I” statements you’ve never learned.

“I feel”.

“I need”.

“I want”.

“I hear”.

“I know”.

“I am”.

“I’m not”.

The list goes on and on.Continue Reading

Do you do this too?

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Beautiful woman looking out the window on a rainy day, wondering if it serves her.
There's a way to stop.

Do you do this? Do you attach way too fast?

Do you pick up on a few important cues and then that's it, you start to fill in the blanks and conclude this is your place/your person before you even know anything about them?

Are you all in before you even know where you've found yourself?

When you grew up in an environment where you didn't have a secure attachment (and especially if you're a deeply sensitive soul!) you're still searching for that kind of attachment to someone you can transfer the fulfillment of that need onto.Continue Reading

10 Years Wasted on a Selfish Guy

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Profile of a beautiful woman wondering if her guy will ever want a committed relationship.
He has hurt me so deeply. It's changed my view of men.

You know how you stay 'just a little longer' to see if he's going to change? And then you're afraid not to stay in case you miss that change?

That's the familiar scenario I'm talking about here. This is what happens when we wait it out, not realizing the time that passes in the meantime and the days that turn to months and then years.

This is why she wrote to me with the title, subject 'It's been 10 years'. If you've been here you know how it happens and how 'I'll just see how it goes' turns into 10 long years.Continue Reading

"I'm So Disappointed in You"

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands wonders what to do.
The words cut so deep.

Did you feel that one?

I know I did.

It starts as a memory. A memory we feel down to the very core of our being. “I’m so disappointed in you.”

And then it carries over into every part of our lives for a long, long time.

It’s a cycle. A pattern that’s easily predictable.

You disappoint someone – because you will, you know. And it all comes back.

But why is this all your responsibility? Isn’t it equally shared by the person who has such unrealistic standards of perfection for you that they can even dare to stand there from a position of “I’m disappointed in you”?

Why is this not on them? Why is it all on you?Continue Reading

I Don't Want to Push Him Away!

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Couple at home sitting in sofa and having a talk
Should I bring it up again?

Gail wrote to me this week, to be heard, to be listened to, and I'm responding to her letter today on the blog.

Her love interest has said he just wants to be friends, and she wants more than that.

Sound familiar?

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I met a guy after being divorced for 7-1/2 years. I never thought I would meet anyone again to love me for who I am, but he’s a lawyer and he’s younger than me.

I'm 60, he’s 49.

He’s really busy in court and in the office, and we stay in different cities, yes, but my problem is he said he wants to be friends because he doesn’t have time for a relationship because he’s so busy. I understand that but I really have a problem with it because if you really care about someone, you’ll make time for them.

I’ve told him that.Continue Reading

You've done well, Beautiful.

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A beautiful woman holds her hands out in the shape of a heart while watching the sunset at the beach.
But what has all that done for you?

You’ve done well, haven't you, Beautiful?

You’ve behaved perfectly.

You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to worry about you being one of those women who pressures her guy into more than he's ready for. You've shown him you really can be that "cool" girl, and not the clingy, needy one he can't handle.

But what has all that done for you?

You’re more invested now. There's more to lose.

You don’t need to talk to him. You already know where he stands.

So what do you do?

Talk to yourself first.

Get clear on who you are and what you want and what you will and won’t accept. See how that lines up with what he offers you and what you’re seeing from him.Continue Reading

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