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You are here: Home / Archives for how to move on

Why No Contact NEVER works and what to do instead

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Woman sad over breakup looking at mobile phone on the city bus wondering why he doesn't love her
The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact

I know, I know.

It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.

It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.

After coaching thousands of women of all ages and cultures from all over the world the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.

The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.

No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.

I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!

You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.

But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.

Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.

You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.

You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.

See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you. You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.

You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.

Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.

Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?

Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission. Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back. I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!

How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?

You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!

Love,

Jane

Now tell me in the comments below a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you and start listening to your own heart that has always known better than someone selling snake oil who pretends to know better than you!

He says he just wants to be friends

11 Comments

A man and a woman are having a serious discussion over dinner because she wants to know how he feels about her.
I just don’t know what to do.

It's never good when the guy we're into says he just wants to be friends.

Those are the words Lee didn't want to hear either. See if this sounds all too familiar to you and then tell me your own story of "the guy who says he just wants to be friends" in the comments. You're not alone!

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I started seeing this guy back in the summer and everything seemed to be going great. Lots of fun and enjoyment.

In August, he asked me to be exclusive and I agreed. So as time went by I noticed he was being a bit different and I was wondering why. When I asked him about us and our future he basically told me we are nothing serious but casual so I was left a bit confused by this.

Anyway, we both met on a dating app and I recently went to check was he back on it and I noticed he was.Continue Reading

He held me against my will with a shotgun

3 Comments

Rear view of a woman holding the curtains open to look out of a large light window at home.
Why can't I move on?

I know. I had to read that again, too.

Beautiful Jerimie wrote to me about the guy she's having trouble letting go of and moving on from when she still believes he's the love of her life.

Read on for her story!

Good morning Jane,

This may be a bit long, even maybe a chapter book or short story 🙂 I'll try to keep it to the minimum...

I met Brett November 14, 2014. He has the most brilliant sky blue eyes you'd ever seen. However, what made me fall in love (first time ever) was his stupid half smile with his sideways glance. Omg! That did it for me.

We were just going to hook up for one night.

I had recently been fired from my job (also first time ever) and I just needed a little stress relieving sex. He stayed the night and I went to my "new" job after I left him a cup of coffee on the nightstand and told him to take his time and we'd text later.

I got home after work and to my surprise he pulled up behind me in my driveway. Jumped out and came and opened my door and leaned in for a welcome home kiss. I was shocked! I frantically started thinking..."Ok Jer, relax don't get your hopes up. Be cool! Just be cool!"Continue Reading

It's so hard to move on

7 Comments

A beautiful woman covers her face with her hands because she is feeling afraid and lonely.
How can he make me feel like a crumbling mess?

Susan wrote to me the most heart wrenching letter about how hard it is to let go and move on. I knew what's she going through would resonate with so many of you. Been here?

Here's her story:

Omgosh Jane. How do you do it?

How did you know exactly what I'm suffering right now? Silently painfully and occasionally voicing to few who harshly shut me down with comments that make me feel even worse about myself than I already do.

I should know better, you have been through this before why are you allowing or being so foolish. You should never cry over a man - what's wrong with you. We always thought you had more sense and you're so weak and making a fool of yourself, he doesn't want you don't you see.

Of course I see and don't they know I yell at myself over and over until I can't stand to be in my own body and I have deserted and loathe my own self for allowing myself to go through this.

We don't talk anymore and he cut me off.Continue Reading

I still can't move on 3 years after breaking up

6 Comments

Closeup of a beautiful woman is looking sad becasue her boyfriend has disappeared on her and she wants closure.
I haven't been able to move on since then.

Beautiful Christina is having trouble moving on long after an emotional breakup from a very intense relationship, and she needs our help.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I'm a long time follower of your work, and you've helped me so much with several break ups and honouring my self worth. Thank you for that.

I have a question about moving on, which I'm having a difficult time doing and I don't know why.

It's been almost 3 years since me and my ex broke up. It was a whirlwind romance...starting as a summer fling.

He was an overseas traveller on a temporary visa when we met, and we fell in love hard and fast. It was unexpected, and it felt like the universe brought us together.

We dated for 5 months before his visa ran out and had to leave the country. It was so painful for us to be ripped apart, not by choice, as we desperately wanted to be together.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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