Getting to TRUE Love

Finding your YOU that leads to TWO

Is he a player?

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Woman sad over breakup looking at mobile phone on the city bus wondering why he doesn't love her
Do I trust my gut?

Lauren wrote to me this week asking for some quick advice on whether to bail or not on an intoxicating relationship that's activating her "spidey senses". Read what she wrote and my answer below.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

This might be really similar to questions you've already answered on the blog, but I would love your help and wisdom!

Here it goes:

I've been on two dates with this guy. The physical chemistry is amazing and honestly pretty intoxicating. He's charming, funny and one of those ambitious entrepreneur guys (who has way too busy of a schedule, I'm beginning to wonder).Continue Reading

Her subject line read "Hurt and Lonely"

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
I keep myself busy, but it hurts so bad.

Our letter today comes from Penny, who got my attention with her subject like that read "Hurt and Lonely." My heart went out to her as I read her story.

Read what she wrote to me - and my response - below. Then you can tell her what you want her to know in the comments there, too.

Her Letter:

Hi Jane,

I have four grown children, just over a year apart. The 50 yr. old is the oldest. I ended up raising them alone, since the oldest was 10 yrs. old.

I had to work two full time jobs, as my ex didn't pay child support.

They all turned out good. No troubles with them. My daughter and I were especially close for years, me babysitting, etc., but then I was working full-time and also went to college at 55 yrs. old and she got a job. She has a husband and two kids, I am alone.

We had an argument in 2009 when I was under stress from my mother dying, etc. We can't seem to get it straightened out. She wants nothing to do with me and therefore I also don't see my grandchildren, who are in college.

I've asked for forgiveness, but she won't.Continue Reading

That guy you lost? Here's why you can't stop thinking about him!

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A woman is upset, with her head in her hands, because her boyfriend says he wants a break.
This is why you can't let it go.

You know that guy you used to have? The one you lost? The one you think you were too much for, too needy with, or not enough of what he actually wanted you to be?

Yeah, that one.

He's gone now, right?

And you're sitting here, going back over every last conversation in your head. Every text, every message, every nuance. Until the very last one.Continue Reading

Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Bondage

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Concept of a woman freeing herself from the chains of bondage
It's time to break those chains.

"I'm ready to do the work" she said. "I'm ready to fix this."

"I sabotaged it - I was so insecure and anxious. I did this. Now I only have myself to blame. Can you help me get him back?"

It wasn't her fault. And no, it didn't require any more "working on herself".

Because it wasn't hers to fix.

She hadn't sabotaged it. She was insecure and anxious BECAUSE he gave her reason to be. NOT because she was this way for no reason.

She didn't do this. She wasn't to blame.Continue Reading

No wonder you've lost all hope

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
I had absorbed every ounce of that energy.

No one could convince me otherwise.

I had too much evidence to the contrary. All my past relationships, all the men I'd ever dated. They only showed me one thing - the same thing - nothing was ever changing, they all ended up the same, and the only thing I could count on with any certainty was that I was going to keep repeating the same patterns every time, no matter how I chose or where I moved to or what circumstances were different for me.

I was the problem.

I was the common-denominator. This could only be something about me. Everything I tried produced the same results, just a different guy with a different face and name, but the pattern, the intense chemistry and the promise of everything in the beginning followed by the gradual distancing and then the total demise of whatever was left of the relationship.

This was always the way it happened for me and NOTHING on the horizon seemed like it could move the needle one bit.

It didn't matter how I looked or what my actual age was or what I had going for me. I felt no different than if I was a 90 year old woman on her deathbed.

I had absorbed every ounce of that energy.Continue Reading

Next time you want to know why you keep finding these guys, read this.

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young attractive couple in relationship problem with internet mobile phone addiction boyfriend ignoring sad neglected and bored girlfriend at home couch feeling depressed and lonely
If you have to live like this now ...

Why do we keep finding these guys?

Because we want to.

We want them. Exactly as they are.

They're our projects. Our goals.

We find the hardest guy to get to commit, the one who shows the least signs of settling down and being the family guy, the faithful guy or whatever else it is we say we want so badly but our actions keep showing us the opposite.

And we decide HE'S the guy we want. Why would we ever do that if we really wanted a real relationship with someone capable of loving us?

You're getting what you ACTUALLY want regardless of what you keep saying you want, Beautiful.

Everything about what you're doing by picking these guys is about proving your worth by getting this ungettable guy. If that's not a word already, it fits here perfectly so we're using it.Continue Reading

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