Her subject line read "Hurt and Lonely"

Our letter today comes from Penny, who got my attention with her subject like that read "Hurt and Lonely." My heart went out to her as I read her story.

Read what she wrote to me - and my response - below. Then you can tell her what you want her to know in the comments there, too.

Her Letter:

Hi Jane,

I have four grown children, just over a year apart. The 50 yr. old is the oldest. I ended up raising them alone, since the oldest was 10 yrs. old.

I had to work two full time jobs, as my ex didn't pay child support.

They all turned out good. No troubles with them. My daughter and I were especially close for years, me babysitting, etc., but then I was working full-time and also went to college at 55 yrs. old and she got a job. She has a husband and two kids, I am alone.

We had an argument in 2009 when I was under stress from my mother dying, etc. We can't seem to get it straightened out. She wants nothing to do with me and therefore I also don't see my grandchildren, who are in college.

I've asked for forgiveness, but she won't.

Whenever there is a party, the tension is unbearable. I wasn't even invited to my grandson's graduation. The youngest son was in the Navy for 20 yrs and now lives far away from me. I never hear from him either. My two oldest sons call me, but never have time to see me.

I will be 70 yrs old and my heart aches. My two sons are busy and work 6 days a week, but I am so lonely for them. The two older boys live around 25 miles away and I go to one of their houses, but the other one is single and never home, and he has kids and grandkids, his housecleaning and wash to do on his one day off.

I keep myself busy, but it hurts so bad.

I have 13 grandchildren, not all in this state, but no one comes to visit or even calls, except my two oldest son's call about once a week, but don't come. I have a little dog who keeps me company and I believe in GOD, but this ache in my heart won't go away.

I tried a dating site to meet someone, but that didn't work either.

Do you have an answer? I do play cards, go to art school, but I have no real friends that I am close to.

- Penny

My Response:

Penny, I'm so glad you stumbled on my site! I get emails from women at all stages of life, but your email touched my heart in a whole new way.

I hear your pain, your lonely heart and oh how my heart goes out to you. It doesn't matter what the specifics are, family dynamics can be so challenging with various family members feeling slighted and jilted and angry and resentful and a host of other emotions for reasons that most other members often can't even begin to understand.

I have issues with my own mother as well that aren't understood by her or by me at times, they sometimes just are. A series of past hurts and present hot buttons or triggers that bring up all kinds of baggage, sometimes subconscious, sometimes ones we realize and can work out, sometimes issues that run too deep to repair.

My point is that all these difficult family relationships seem to be a product of our culture and our times, and there really isn't any right or wrong or blame to be had.

It just is.

But it doesn't make it any easier or less grievous to go through and I really do hear just how painful it is for you. Unfortunately, we can't change other people or make them want to spend more time with us. Or come back to the table with us and talk.

Or any of that.

We can always try to work on ourselves, to try to see their point of view and soften ourselves so that they can sense our genuine love for them. But sometimes there's just too much history, too many hurts, and even being related may not be enough to bring people back together.

And sometimes we just have to find our peace in accepting what is if we cannot change it no matter how hard we try. Even if it is breaks our heart. We can try and keep trying and keep working on ourselves, but the outcome may ultimately be outside of our control.

But I do have a few suggestions for you. There is something you can do here, beginning with today.

You can begin to live a whole new life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving person that is you! You can decide right now that you are going to begin anew. Right where you are and see where this new path may lead.

First of all, I would write a letter to yourself.  Tell yourself everything you love about yourself, everything that makes you beautiful and wonderful and special and unique.

Describe in detail those things that you do and those qualities you possess that give you that spring in your step, make you feel alive when you do them. It doesn't matter if you don't feel like you've got a whole lot to write about, this exercise is about lightening you up and reminding you of who you are and all the beautiful attributes you have to offer.

Secondly, I would make a list of everything you have ever wanted to do but didn't think you could, or didn't have time to do, or felt you didn't have permission to do, or were told you couldn't do for whatever reason.

It's wonderful that you are taking an art class and play cards if these are things that interest you, but there may be other things where you can meet more like minded people that you may truly enjoy.

This is your time to live, sweet Penny. This is about you! Leave nothing out as you make this list. The sky is truly the limit!

Thirdly, I would suggest volunteering for something you're passionate about. How would you change the world if you could do anything? If money was no object and if there were no limits on what you could accomplish?

How could you make a difference?

Begin there by answering those questions and see where that takes you. Where could you make that difference in the world in your community? And more importantly, what are you passionate about?

It's time to find out!

Fourthly, I'm not sure what dating services you've tried, but you may want to see if there are any other ones out there that might be better or more of a fit for what you're looking for.

Ultimately, the best place to meet other people is where you're doing things you enjoy, so you should be able to meet more men and women just by further exploring those hobbies and activities that you are interested in.

Do you have a dog park you can go to regularly? I've never met as many people from all walks of life, young and old, as when we regularly take our dogs to the local dog park. So let your sweet little doggy help you make some friends.

And the more important thing I've learned is that to have friends, you really have to be a friend. I am the first to agree that it seems harder than ever to meet genuine friends these days, but if you keep an open mind and remind yourself of all you have to offer someone in friendship, and begin by really listening and hearing what someone has to say, you may be surprised at how much easier this can all be.

Go out of your way to meet someone else's needs. Have you also thought about looking after someone else's children or grandchildren?

Just tonight, a friend and I were talking about how much we miss having our mothers closer sometimes, and that if we could just adopt a grandma, it would be so nice. So maybe you could check with some organizations like a sitter service or nanny service or church or parents organization to see whether there might be an opportunity there.

As a parent, I know just how special is can be to have the past and present generations get together to share in the joy of childhood with the knowledge and experience of age.

And what about play? What about being silly and just "playing"? What would you do if no one was watching? Do you love to dance, sing, play an instrument you haven't touched in years?

These are just some suggestions I had while meditating on your email. If anything resonates with you, explore it. If it doesn't, try it anyway, and if it still doesn't fit, then try something else. But stretch yourself in the process.

And maybe you could teach a class at a local community college. Or teach something at a church or library or other organization. What about working on a book, writing your life story or writing about something that you experienced in your life that you think could make a difference in the world?

I have found that the best antidote to loneliness is a combination of acceptance and resolve.

There's a peace that comes with accepting reality if you really have tried and can't change it, but never say never is the motto when it comes to determining to resolve to start anew and to have a fresh start living your life like never before.

You can do this, Penny, and you do so deserve the best that life and love have to offer you. Sometimes, we just have to get creative and look outside of the box to find our answers.

You are never too old to begin again, to live your life at the beginning, like the little girl inside you that you probably don't even know anymore. I coach women all the time who are seeing this for themselves and starting again - at any age!

Begin there, connecting with that sweet, beautiful little girl who can do and be whatever she wants to do and be. That's still you, deep down inside she's still that sweet little girl just waiting for her turn.

I hope this helps.

Please know you really are not alone. There is love and there are loving people all around us, we just need to see them in the unexpected ways they often occur. You deserve nothing less than this - at any age!

I'll be cheering you on from here.

Love,

Jane

Do you have anything to say to Penny? Maybe you relate to some or all of this? Let her know in the comments below!