Ever been confused by an ex? I know I don't even have to ask. More like who HASN'T been confused by an ex! Read on to hear what B wrote to me. I have a feeling you'll relate.
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
Thanks so much for providing a safe space for me to share how I feel and get some advice!
My ex broke up with me about a month ago after dating for almost two years. We had a wonderful relationship, but like any relationship had a few ups and downs. He treated me so well and we had a lot of fun together, and the spark was undeniable. However, although I had told him I loved him, he had never said those words back. He made it clear that he felt the same way, but seemed scared to actually say it.
I felt completely blindsided when we broke up as I wasn’t expecting it. The breakup was respectful and calm, but the thing that confused me was that in the same breath as ending things he finally said the words “I love you.”
Since breaking up we have stayed in contact and even seen each other a couple of times. He has told me he doesn’t want to get back together but he wants to be friends. He will blow hot and cold over text and sometimes flirt and other times not reply for days.
I’m so confused because he is saying he doesn’t want to get back together but acting as though he misses me. I miss him and I want to give things another go. I have this gut feeling like it isn’t actually over,
Why did he tell me he loved me when he broke up with me? Why does he want to be friends? And is there a chance we might get back together? I just have no idea what to do.
Thanks!
- B
My Response:
Your gut is absolutely right, B. This isn't actually over. If it takes breaking up with you to tell you he loves you, he's showing you that this is the distance he needs to love you from.
If you were okay with the relationship at this distance - with the hot and cold, the flirting than nothing, the ongoing confusion around what to call what you've got with him right now, this would be where you could expect a relationship with him to be at its best.
But because you're writing to me - and also because you're human and most of us want more than a relationship on these terms, I'm going to assume that this is not okay with you and it's actually why he broke up with you.
In that case, you've got a reality check here.
You could get back together if you live out your relationship from here. That means you accept that this is where he wants the relationship to be right now and you meet him here. If you can show him that you're fine with living out your relationship from this place he's left your relationship at, then he'll know he can trust you with walking through this part with him.
Does HE know what he wants? No, absolutely he doesn't.
This is why he felt love for you enough to admit it out loud only when he was breaking up with you. This is why he says he wants to be friends because that's the only thing he knows to call what this is now, even though he's no closer to understanding what that actually means to him.
This is ALWAYS why you feel confused. You're picking up on HIS confusion.
So don't expect him to understand any of this if you ask him about it directly. You'd need a whole study of psychology, sociology and years of experience observing all kinds of men to know why he's acting this way and even then he'd probably deny the whole thing because he'd feel embarrassed and ashamed that you knew more about him than he knows about himself.
My advice to you because I sense that you're like most of us who just want a straight answer on where to go from here?
Give him space. Give him time.
Talk to him if you want to talk to him - when he initiates. Don't talk to him if you don't want to or don't feel like it. Don't take the words "I love you" to mean what you think they mean because his actions right now don't support someone who actually loves you but someone who feels like he does because he doesn't want to lose you.
Don't imagine the future. Don't go down the rabbit hole that has the feeling that it's not done.
The only way anything changes is if you come to realize you're perfectly happy here with something from him rather than nothing, living out your "relationship" on his terms that he's showing you by the contact - and the quality of that contact - that you get from him. Or if he starts to get comfortable here with your level of comfort and starts to show you more because the pressure becomes less for him.
But one word of caution; you can't pretend you're okay with a level of communication and commitment if you're not actually okay with it. This will end up being more work to sustain this if it all falls to you to show him you're okay here when you're really not or when you're only doing it because you're waiting for the next level to level up to. It has to be genuine or he'll be able to tell and you'll be right back to where you are now.
So now that you're clear on what you have to do and what it's going to take, here's my final question for you. Is he worth it?
I'm here if you want to dive deeper into it.
Much love to you!
Love,
Jane
How about you? Been here? Have something you want to add here in my advice to B? Tell her in the comments!
I am feeling every word in these comments..on and off again relationship for 3 years. Pulls me back in again 6 months ago snd Saya it will be different..can't be without me etc etc I am ecstatic as 8 finally believe he is committed..lasted 4 months snd WHAM..says he can't do "it"..too many expectations he needs to be alone But it's not me he says it's him..he needs to get help..I am still hurting so badly..hot and cold texts still...but 8 can feel he is not there emotionally..our 4 months together was magical and I'm destroyed for giving in again..he pulled our families together and doesn't care..he makes me feel crazy...he takes zero responsibility and anyone I mention how can he do this he puts the blame on me..on some very small ridiculous thing. I want to move forward but am stuck.m8 can't breathe sometimes..im hurt I'm mad I'm sad. I feel he has told hus family I'm crazy or jealous or anything to make himself look like s hero..I see he is so ready on dating sites..even though he said he needs to be alone..I kniw o deserve better but I miss the us parts that were so great..my head knows bit my heart doesn't...im a giver, a strong independent woman and I feel like I will be alone..im.sick of the whole you need to live yourself first..yes I agree partially but we were meant for relationship
Girl, I'm hearing you! The whole love yourself first part can feel like one more condition we have to meet in a sea of already overwhelming things you have to do! You can't be with someone who makes you feel crazy. That's one thing I absolutely know for sure. So instead of trying to get a guy back who makes you feel crazy - and paints you as crazy to his friends and family to save face, ask yourself WHY him? What makes his great qualities make up for all that? Crazy-making is a big one - not taking responsibility is a really big one. If you know for sure you won't be alone forever - I know you won't even if you don't! - would you still be going through all this?
I lived in a state of confusion for years! I’m talking about 10 years!! The last few months of our relationship I learned that he was talking to and seeing other women. A few months before the relationship ended he only wanted to be “friends” this was after we had lived together and spent almost 10 years of our lives together and he just wanted to be friends. To me it was a slap to the face. I gave him almost 10 years of my life, going through ups and downs with him. Even moving to another State to be with him and only in the end to just want a friendship with me. He was just keeping his options open in case it didn’t work out for him with all the new ladies he was courting. I’m not an option nor a plan B so all that nonsense came to a halt after I discovered he was talking to and seeing other women. The nerve of him! Men like him are users! Narcissistic, selfish users!!! I don’t know what your friend is to you at this moment but if he’s just wanting a friendship then something isn’t right. Men are strange and I’m learning that the majority of men are that way. I don’t even know if good, honest men even exist anymore. I wish you everything good and hope you don’t wait around for him like I did. Hoping and praying and only to still get hurt in the end. I have value and so do you! Give it yo someone that wants you in their life. Who wants to keep you not just have you as a friend until he figures out what he wants. You’re better than the crumbs he’s offering you.
That slap in the face is our wake up call, Marisa. You're better than those crumbs too!
I am currently going through something similar atm, except he moved on with someone else and realises the grass isn't greener on the other side. He keeps ringing me and telling me he doesn't want to lose me I pretty much ignore him until his actions prove it it's so hard but better for my mental health
I agree.
I'd been on and off with my ex for nearly 4 years and it was affecting my mental and physical health.
He has his 17 year old son living with him and and he was losing his job at the same time. He said his life was too complicated for a relationship atm, but that he wanted to remain friends. I said friendship wouldn't work for me and have cut off contact for nearly a month. He has tried to phone, which I have ignored. I just briefly responded to an IG comment, because it was relevant to some tentative arrangement we had made before the latest break.
I would say although it's hard at first, you must stay away from this man, especially as he now has a new love interest. Don't humiliate yourself!
Stay busy, renew hobbies, see your friends and family that love you and learn to love yourself first.
I have my dog my children and young grandchildren. I have my work and am taking an art degree. I feel fulfilled, my heart palpitations have ceased and I no longer feel constantly anxious.
You don't need a man in your life, you need to find yourself. Only allow people on your life that want to be there , consistently.
BTW, no contact is the only way you can smoke out whether this man is genuinely fond of you or just wants to keep you as a permanent option until he decides to throw you overboard.
A dog, children, grandchildren, work and an art degree are so much better than heart palpitations and feeling constantly anxious! Margot, you've got a beautiful life!
Both of these letters make me question- why are we always on their terms? Why are we ready to jump as soon as they text, ask to meet for coffee or say they want to see us? What about your terms? We constantly chase someone who doesn't want to be there and doesn't give us what we want, so why do we keep going and bow to each and every breath or move they make? He's seeing someone else so what do you think you'll really get from him?
I would say next time he's in town AND he feel like a cofee date, or if he says I don't want to get back together, then stand strong- hard as it is and say no- you're not available or it's not what you want. How can you meet someone else, start to move forward if you're hanging on to something that isn't there and compromising your happines waiting for him to decide when you can see him and when the next move will be. Good luck and follow what you know is in your heart.
Same questions I learned to ask, Julia. Why?!
My ex has been doing this to me for years! And I allow it, I know… but he’s so sweet, so caring, he says I deserve his best.
But he wants nothing serious. He says since we live now in different cities is not possible to mantain a serious relationship. So whenever he’s in town AND feels like it he calls me up for a “coffee” date.
Last week he called me to say he’s seeing someone and he wanted to be honest.
I know it sounds stupid, and obvious for anyone who reads this.
But I can’t help it… I like him! he’s gorgeous, sweet and I don’t have anyone else in my life. It’s hard finding new people.
I could use some words of advise…
Not stupid and obvious to those of us who've been here, Anna! Stop fighting yourself. Accept that you like him. Accept that you think he's gorgeous and sweet and you don't have anyone else in your life so your life so it's him you're settling for. Maybe tomorrow you'll wake up and be done with his crumbs. Maybe next month or next year. But until you stop fighting yourself, all your energy is going into justifying what you're still doing with him instead of getting off him and putting all that gorgeous energy you've got INTO YOU!