Friends to lovers to I don't know

Our letter this week comes from Kayla, who doesn't know what to make of the friendship/relationship she's been in with a guy for the past 4 years, and is looking for some help to understand what happened and what she can do to get him back.

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I've been stuck in a never ending spiral that's worsened these past few months and feel completely out of control of my life and my feelings.

To give some background information, I have been friends with this guy for 4 years, from the end of high school to now, in college. Our relationship has always been flirtatious and full of banter and making jabs at each other.

Through him, I became best friends with his friends.

Recently, we've taken a couple steps forward from our initial friendship. Sure we've had moments in the past where it was this back and forth 'will they, won't they' situation, but nothing ever solid came from anything (and to be quite honest, because he would always pull back).

But in these past 6 months, we've started talking a lot more. We would be on facetime every day for 6 hours a day, sometime just sitting in comforting silence for company while we each did our own work. We'd see each other once a week and we were genuinely there for each other emotionally.

Then, once we started to get more physical, he pulled back.

He started responding less and ignoring texts and snapchats. We would still interact every day, but very very minimally. After talking to him about it after the fact, he said he was going through a lot of stuff he hadn't told me about.

This was around the same time we discussed potentially being in a relationship and he said that he wants me but doesn't think he's ready to bring someone into his life at the moment.

As the weeks passed, he began getting more distant.

It was very unfortunate timing because it was after we had went all the way in every aspect, which was a big deal for me and he was aware of that. This whole situation made me feel disgusting and disrespected because I couldn't understand how he could treat his friend like that, since at the end of the day we were friends.

Now, he comes and stays whenever he pleases, meaning we'll talk consistently for a week or so and then I will get ignored for an entire day or two when I know he is active on his phone or online.

I'm not sure what to do because I want to understand how someone can put 6 months of effort into a relationship and just leave. I did end up talking to him about the supposed ghosting and how I was afraid to say something at the expense of losing him and he apologized and told me I'd never be able to push him away, yet continues to do the things that bother me.

What's upsetting is that I know how he acts when he is really into someone because I have all the good times to compare to, but seeing his lack of effort now makes me think I have lost him.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship, even if it is just a friendship? Was there anything I might've done to push him away (was I too desperate, was it my place to tell him how I feel)?

Any advice on how I can ease my mind about this situation and regain my self-confidence would be much appreciated.

Thank you so much,

- Kayla

My Response:

Oh Kayla, how many times I've been here myself and how many women I've consoled who've been here, too.  This is so hard to understand when you're in it, when you can look back so clearly and see what you used to have and just know it's possible because he was that guy once! But it wasn't long-term him. It wasn't committed him. It wasn't a version of him that was ever sustainable or - hear me here - it would have been! He can put 6 months of effort into a friendship and "just leave", Kayla, because he was never actually there in the first place. What you saw was a guy who could only be there when it was what he could handle in terms of emotional and physical intimacy and when you got closer, it was too much for him. Sad, I know.

Give him the space to miss you, to realize what he lost, to feel a different energy of you moving on instead of the old energy of always talking so you can understand him better. He can't give you your answers because he doesn't know them himself, but you can fill in the blanks with what we always know when things turn out like this. You've got to move on to YOU, not more of him, to create a different energy for yourself. If he could have been honest with you, he would have told you he was never there but he didn't know because he was living in the moment, feeling good about you when he did and feeling too close and needing space when he didn't. He wasn't thinking at all!

Do NOT beat yourself up!

No, you weren't too desperate! And it's ALWAYS your place to tell someone you're in any kind of a relationship with how you feel, but he wasn't the guy who could handle either that level of closeness or the communication of those kinds of feelings. And yes, that's even if he could spend hours on FaceTime with you while working in parallel together. All of this showed him you were there, you were all in, but if this is during the time period where you were still unsure about him, still needing to ask him where he stood, that's the surest sign you need to pull back and not be so available to him.

This is about you being with someone who can last beyond the surface beginnings and is ready for a real relationship, Kayla, not just someone who can spend hours with you talking and dreaming about life in the fantasy mode.

If you're going to have something that lasts, it needs to have someone in it who's ready for it to last beyond the easy part where there's no real relationship, just the casual, having fun phase that doesn't require him to actually behave like a guy in a committed relationship with you!

Go give yourself a new look, a new wardrobe, a new pastime, a new adventure, a new meetup group or something else new. I know it's so hard to move on from here, but think of it as creating a new image, a new identity, a new life for yourself that doesn't revolve around hoping he's going to do something different when all he does is keep showing up with the same behavior he's always had.

If he's going to be ready, it's him sensing you moving on without him that's going to be the only thing that summons him back to you!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Got any advice for Kayla? Tell her in the comments below!