Have you ever been in a relationship where you lift a broken man up to where he's finally on his own two feet, only to have him leave you for another woman? If so, you can relate to beautiful Lolly who shared her heartbreak with us today.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
First of all I would like to say that I appreciate you and all that you do for us as women in your "small little community", being a part of Getting to True Love has brought such a tremendous change in my life, the women in this community are just as amazing, I feel like I have gained such an amazing sisterhood.
We might all be worlds apart but you have brought us together for one reason only - to find love, first within ourselves and secondly with the men out there. Thank you.
So my question today is I have noticed that I always attract men who are struggling, be it financially and emotionally, more especially financially, it's either they are still finding their way up or I meet them at the time when things are just not going well in their careers or when their businesses are not doing well.
I have found myself being the woman who offers them a shoulder to cry on, the supportive one, the understanding one, sometimes to a point whereby my feelings and my dreams will be put aside in order to listen to theirs.
And for some reason things never work out between me and them, it's either we will break up just before their things start booming and then another woman will reap the benefits, funny enough these men will always thank me for being such an amazing woman in their lives, they always wish I had met them or they had met me when their situation was different.
They claim I'll always hold a special place in their hearts and that they will never forget me, but I never get to be the woman they stick around for, later on in life I'll hear that they are happily involved with someone else and things are going very well for them.
Honestly I have thought long and hard about this, it's not nice to never be there when your "man" starts being successful especially after being there for him through thick and thin.
I'm at a point in my life that the minute a man mentions their struggles I want to run for my life, it's either that or I'll have to accept that I'm only there to heal them and nothing less and nothing more.
I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who has experienced this? And how do I deal with this kind of situation, Jane?
Regards
-Lolly
My Response:
Oh Lolly, you're so not alone in attracting men like this! I'm sure you're going to have this confirmed for you when you read the responses to this post.
I was so tired of seeing the pictures of the guys I was never able to quite get, now living what seemed like happily ever after with another woman who had everything that was supposed to be mine.
I was so angry. I put in all the work! I made all the effort doing everything to show him just how perfect I was for him and why he should want to commit to me!
I wanted the ring! Not her.
It's devastating, Lolly. To put up with someone whose potential you see in spite of all their struggles, to keep being their inspiration, to cheer them on, to love them like no one else ever has, only to see it all dissolve into nothing when either you finally realize you can't do this anymore or when they start distancing and pulling away or ghost you completely.
No, you're not alone!
So how do you deal with it?
You don't go there in the first place. You see the struggles and you see that as a sign to stay the hell away from this guy that's pulling at every single one of your heartstrings to do the opposite and come closer to give him a try and see what you can bring out in him.
You resist the urge to get your own unfinished business of saving and rescuing and helping and loving someone who this time has the potential to be everything you know your love can bring someone to be!
Even in the best-case scenario, you start slow. You observe, you watch, you heed the signs.
When your heart starts swooning that THIS IS HIM! you say, no, this is not him. There is no him. There is only me and a guy I just met who I need to get to know better to see if we're compatible, if we even like each other, if he's not a work in progress, if he's looking for the same thing I am with someone like me!
The biggest reason WHY we attract these men, Lolly? Here's the cold hard truth that took me way too long to learn.
We're attracted to these men because they're us. We're the work in progress. We're the struggling ones. And so they're like looking in the mirror. We need them just as much as they need us.
So we have to stop needing them, so we can stop attracting them. We have to stop struggling so much ourselves!
It's the simplest mindshift - you LISTEN to your instincts. You TAKE YOUR TIME. You don't ASSUME anything. And most of all you remember you don't know him yet. And that's no matter how much chemistry you feel!
Got it? Been here, girlfriend. I'll remind you as often as you need me to.
Love,
Jane
I know Lolly's not the only one attracting struggling men. Show her she's not alone in the comments below!
Hi Lolly
I stumbled on this article because I was doing some research on why I keep choosing the same type of broke/broken men. As I've gotten older I have come to the conclusion that my mother has been married to a broke/broken man for all of my 36 years on on this earth.
I love my Dad and he has been the best father he knew how to be. My mom took care of him most of her life until her passing last year November. I think because that was all I saw growing up it makes me believe that it's ok to be with men that are similar to my Dad.
I keep meeting men that can't assist me in any way, whether it be financially, mentally, spiritually or even emotionally. I always end up giving way more than they give. They always have a lot of issues/baggage with a lot of people because of their attitudes and they barely have any friends. I came to the understanding that because of my life and what I've observed and learned to accept, I have to break the cycle and change the type of men that I attract.
Also as the article said I have to make myself less available. I am a single mom of two kids so when I'm not working, I'm with them. So I tend to be on a specific schedule every day which makes it easy sometimes for certain types of men to be able to have access to me...if that makes sense? So in conclusion I have to dodge these types of men when they approach me and let them know off the rip that I am not interested.
Makes so much sense from here, Leah - and I'm sure it does to Lolly - I'll pass your message on to her. Most of us come to see this at some point in our journey - and you can love him AND he can be the reason why you attract who you do - at 36 years or more. 🙂
Search rescuers, I am one also, if you are young try to get help and if you havevkids keep them away from these men, some can be abusers
I know i have been there too, but just like Jane said, we need to start seeing that as a red flag and run..i`m honestly tired of attracting the same kind of men, we need to change the way we do things and see if we can get a different outcome..all the best.
For me, I have been attracting these men always but my issue is they won't leave. I was stuck in a marriage for 30 years with a man who depended on me for everything, couldn't find anything or do anything on his own. Always about him, no matter what. Even if I was the one needing some extra attention he was very good at twisting it around and making it about him so I'd feel bad for him.
Then I met a man who is also needy, clingy, tries to be sensitive to my needs but also turns it all to what he needs and how I let him down if I'm not there when he wants me to be.
It goes on and on with these men I attract. I am always the caring one, helping them figure their lives out, pointing them in the right direction. I know I am the nurturing type, but I know that when you don't get that back it's very difficult to keep giving.
We all need to recognise that we need someone to be there for us and build us up too. Where he is? Wish I knew.
I think Jane has explained it very well, that we attract what we are, so my dear sister you`ll have to look deep within yourself, there has to be something within you that lets you attract these kind of men..Anyway i wish you can get get to a point where you see yourself from the lens of your friends and family.. You are a good person and that`s why these men are attracted to you, but they are not in a good way and you gotta change that.. stop giving them so much, start focusing on you and trust me that helps a lot, i`m currently single and i`m in a better place than i have ever been before.
We think we can fix them, that love conquers all but the truth is we are probably the ones that need fixing and then we will stop attracting these type of guys.
Now I just to need to put it all into practice 🥴
Exactly sis, i`ve noticed and realized that we need fixing more than they do, it`s time to focus on ourselves and we will be just fine, all the best as i do the same, focusing on myself.
Hi lollys you're not alone, I had dealt with the similar situation as you, I was the women who always ending up dealing with men that has problems and struggling, I lyft them up , by always being there and a pillow to cry on , my most resent ex left me for someone else, he didn't tell me , but I'd found out by mutual friends. He used his excuses to breakup with me after three years being in a relationship , I was there for him and his two kids. It was really hard for me , still is but not as bad in the beginning. My friends and family say I'm too nice of a person, but that's how I am . So you're not alone girl...
I know i have been there too, but just like Jane said, we need to start seeing that as a red flag and run..i`m honestly tired of attracting the same kind of men, we need to change the way we do things and see if we can get a different outcome..all the best.
I'm 62...been there, done that 5 times in the last 20 years. I did the Getting to True Love program in 2016. I met a man in the fall of 2017 who I met 10 years earlier (a friend of my sister's brother in law. At first, I thought "oh no this is NOT him, but followed Jane's advice to give the "different guy" a chance. We started as friends with a common thread, musicians. By the end of 1 month, he was totally in love with me. (He hadn't been in a relationship for over 10 years). I was in love with him too. We got engaged 6 months later (I got "the ring") & we bought a home together in my home state NY, I moved out of my home in FL & rented it out. Our idea was to live in FL during winter months, & NY in summer ("when he retired"). Now, 3 years later & post Covid, I've asked him to leave & not come back. I quit claim on the house in Jan 2020 because his 38 year old son was "squatting" in it & not paying a dime. He feels sorry for the ex wife who ripped his heart out 17 years ago because she now has a debilitating disease (so he speaks to her & let's her vent about her pitiful life (living with son #2) who abuses her. He left me home alone 24 hours after a major surgery ("football Sunday") & upon his return crashed on the couch. He never checked in on me for 18 hours!! This was the last straw. That was last October but I still allowed him to come back to FL with me while the squatter lived in the house & my guy paid for everything in the house! He stopped putting me first a long time ago! As much as he loves me, he is not an asset to me. He is a broken man emotionally & I can't fix him (although I try). He is a little boy trapped in a man's body. He's not a "cheater" by definition, but I get nothing emotionally from him. I don't feel safe, & I don't feel heard. We're done & once again I'm broken & back to fixing myself. I recommend 2 excellenthe books: Women Who Love too Much" and "The Way to Integrity" Good luck to you.
Yes to Women Who Love Too Much- I've read it twice and it's excellent!
"He is a broken man emotionally & I can't fix him" This was it for me sis, everything i needed to hear today.. You know what you sound like a woman who knows extactly what she needs to do.. You are right he is not an asset to you so there`s no use in investing more of your energy and time to him. He has a lot of baggage with his his ex wife and kids, and you don`t deserve such drama in your life, but ultimately it`s all up to you...All the best i hope you make the right choice.
I`m currently single, and at tis point i`m not even interested in trying anything, i`m scared to trying anything that might fail.
I understand Lolly. In fact, it's a pattern that I have noticed with the women on my mother's side of the family. Most all of the women went through this situation. I've even seen it with myself attracting broke men and emotionally messed up men. I have discovered this situation will remain unless we get divine help. Not from any divine help. Only Jesus, the Christ, can truly deliver from powers of darkness. For "He was given a name that is above every name in heaven, on earth, and under the earth that every knee shall bow abd every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of the Father." True deliverance comes from One and One alone and that is Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the Living God.
Amen my sister, at some point in our lives we need to go back to the author and finisher of our faith, and we might find answers there..
I know exactly how you feel , I have a friend who always treats me as his back up girl, when things go wrong in his life, and he needs help and support he comes to me and I fall for the poor me card every time
My own fault, I get him back on his feet treat him like a king and then he goes and picks up another woman and I get shut out again til I’m needed again.
I know I should just say no, sort your own shit out but he knows every heart string to pull and I find myself offering to help him out.
I also know that the same treatment will never be reciprocated but I can’t seem to help myself .
Hey Shell, at some point you will have to stop being there, you don`t owe this guy anything, you are living in the illusion that he is your man, and he is not, it`s time to face the reality and focus on yourself and you might attract someone who`s gonna be there for you, all the best. That`s what i`m trying to do that right now going forward.