Today's letter comes from one of the beautiful members in our community, Kate, who's at a loss to know what to do when her partner announced he wants to rekindle his friendship with his ex. I can imagine how most of us would feel about this; let's see if we can help Kate out here, too!
Her Story:
Dear Jane,
I’m struggling with the thought of my partner reconnecting with his ex.
When we met over ten years ago he was still upset for over two years occasionally about the way she cheated, ended their relationship and threw him out.
They haven’t met or spoken for fourteen years now (although he did contact her on occasion to lament the end of them) as that was what he wanted and he’s just mentioned rekindling their friendship.
It may have already happened as he knows she’s now married with a baby. They have mutual friends all in a city he no longer lives in and are in the same creative line of freelance work. He’s hinted they may have to work together but that would only happen if either of them invited the other to do a project together.
She wasn’t a kind girlfriend and he’s described some pretty rotten attributes she possesses so I am at a loss as to why now? I can’t see the motive and he states were both in new relationships, so what’s the issue.
He thinks I’m very jealous and childish. I feel it’s a respect issue.
I don’t think either of them would cheat so why am I so uncomfortable?
Am I wrong to feel so devastated? I feel it’s a bouncy issue and I’m hurt he can’t see why I feel it’s inappropriate. I certainly wouldn’t want to meet her (so they’d be meeting up alone) as he’s described her as someone who uses people.
I was so happy until this!
Thank you.
- Kate
My Response:
You're not wrong to feel devastated because your partner wants to reconnect with his ex who he took over two years to get over, who cheated on him, threw him out and broke his heart, Kate. I'm sure most of us imagining this scenario would agree!
My concern is not just the fact that he wants to, it's his response to you by calling you jealous and childish for feeling this way!
It IS a respect issue. And it's even more than that. It's him showing you how he handles a concern of yours when it conflicts directly with his own lack of concern. He's digging his heels in here, and that's a problem because instead of asking you what would make you feel more comfortable about his decision or what he could do to reassure you or explain this in ways that would help you feel less anxious, he's doing the opposite.
He's telling you your wrong.
You're uncomfortable because this is an uncomfortable situation he's trying to make light of and justify as maybe even being a work thing, instead of actually talking it through with you so you can become more comfortable. But he's not focused on that. And while we can give him the benefit of the doubt that he just doesn't understand or get it, it's important to actually see if this is simply a misunderstanding or miscommunication where giving him the benefit of the doubt is warranted.
How do you do that?
First of all, you up your game. You change your mindset. You're his equal here, not the victim of circumstances that are completely beyond your control!
You've been with this guy for 10 years, Kate.
That means you can talk to him, you get to have a say, you can meet him right where he's at with this announcement that he wants to be friends with his ex and tell him your concerns.
In my experience with coaching women in situations just like this, the majority of times it's simply a matter of how these conversations go that determines the outcome on whatever you're in conflict about. So changing your mindset to one where you're his equal and the power in this relationship is shared equally between the two of you, matters.
Next, I want you to look at what's really going on here.
What's the specific reason behind your concerns? This will help you in how you talk to him. Is it all about your concern for him based on the examples he gave you of who she really is and how she's treated him? Are you jealous of her because she's his ex that he loved before you?
Is it a competitive thing that reflects the way we've been conditioned to be competitive with other women, and especially an ex?
Is it because you have doubts about how committed he is to you and you're afraid this will be his chance to be back with her, however impractical that is?
Is it because you want to have someone still want to be friends with you even after what might have gone on before with a past relationship of yours? Is it just because it's not fair, not right, and you want justice?
When you know your why, it makes you powerful. It makes you feel confident in why you're talking to him, what you're talking to him about, and makes it easier to communicate clearly and calmly in a way that he can actually hear you and address your concerns - if he's going to.
That's the point of communication and having a conversation with him. You need to find out if this is something indicative of how he handles your concerns, or if it's just a defensive response with him digging in when he doesn't want you to tell him what to do.
Make sense?
I'm focusing on the fact that you said you were so happy until this. We need to help get you clear on how big of a deal this is and it's only through direct, equitable communication coming from a place where you feel your own power, that you're going to find out.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Got any words of advice or thoughts on this for our friend, Kate? Tell her in the comments!
Dear Kate
Your partner has told you his ex cheated so why do you think she wouldn't do so WITH your partner?
She has no allegiance to your relationship as she supposedly did with him.
What is his agenda with renewing this relationship? Is it so he can chose to walk away from her?
Sounds like its his ego and childish response to something he hasn't resolved after 12 years?
I think it comes down to him now making her feel like she’s not good enough. And that in itself would stir any woman up.
I’m a firm believer that no man nor woman should put themselves in a possible compromising situation where the possibility of cheating or temptation could happen.
If he took too years to get over her then it was never his decision to break up in the first place and maybe rekindling just friendship is his way of getting the one that rejected him making him feel like he’s good enough now. I think he hasn’t resolved his feelings with his ex. People move on not because they wanted to but because they had to. Now she’s back and it sounds like he wants this so much that he has no regards for his wife. No women should have their men treat them this way.
I see this breaking the relationship. I would always worry when they are together if they have a one night affair that might lead to more and that would drive me crazy.
One had to have boundaries, love and respect or it’s time to self love and move on.
Good luck.
I agree with D and believe he’s still got some kind of emotional attachment to her, and this is why he keeps being drawn back. If he meets her and establishes a new friendship with her, it’s very likely an emotional connection will take place & deepen. (Even just on his part) and that’s what’s worrying here.... It doesn’t sound as though he properly healed and moved on from her. This is NO reflection on you but rests solely with him. Has he reassured you of his feelings and commitment to you? I don’t believe this has anything to do with jealously etc. but rather feeling insecure and rightly so bc this man isn’t valuing your feelings or reassuring you enough of his motives, innermost feelings, and commitment to you. I would hold true to yourself, your values and worth. This man needs to appreciate and respect you and your feelings. If not then as hard as it is you have your answer....Best of luck to you!
Thank you all, so much. You gave me so many great points to consider. The suggestion to be an equal and not a victim of circumstance was especially helpful. I do feel he isn’t over her but feel she is over him, so my fear is a renewed emotional attachment on his part which would be a deal breaker for me as she is mentioned often. He said he didn’t know who her husband was and then described him as young and good looking, so there’s dishonesty in the mix too. We aren’t married, a bone of contention, especially as he wanted to marry her and she refused him. I think that the thought of them communicating online, by phone or meeting up would be something I wouldn’t necessarily know about and that would be a feeling of permanent unease. I am friendly with his ex wife from a decades ago marriage, whom I genuinely like so I don’t think it’s jealousy. I think the situation exacerbates a feeling long held; that I’m a substitute for what he can’t have. He reassures me it is me he loves, not her, but the draw towards her is strong and yes, that’s disrespectful and framed in a way that blames my feelings. I tried to speak with him about the emotional connection but he became defensive and animated, stating that I “Had” to deal with it. I left the conversation giving him a free rein to meet or communicate with her as long as he’s honest about it, as he wishes; but explained I would feel disrespected and that I have free rein to leave the relationship if he does as I know it would eat away at me and we would both be unhappy.
Clarity of my thoughts and honesty about my gut feeling of how much having her in his life means to him in any way he can was the key
Thank you
So glad it helped, Kate. Much love to you!
Doesn’t sound like a good idea to me but...... if he is determined, here are my thoughts. If they are in the same line of work, does he believe it will advance his career? Does he need closure? We all know that doesn’t really work, she will probably make him feel the same way he did when they broke up if she is actually as bad as he says. Was it her fault they broke up. Always two sides.
Finally, does this mean he would be understanding if you happened to rekindle a relationship with one of your exes. Probably not. I think he is trying to reason a way to give it another try without losing you.
Personally I’d be ok if you as a couple met them as a couple but no way they should meet alone. That would be my boundary. I’ve broken my boundary before and it was a big mistake
Sounds like he has an itch to scratch. Is this a 10 year marriage? If not, perhaps you need to be dating other people since he has not stepped up and has plenty of time. May be difficult to do after so much time, but better late than never!
After reading this, I feel you don't TRUST his feelings about her. You arent jealous. You are worried that something may happen between them either emotionally or physically. AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY. He still holds some candle for her even though she wasn't great to him. I can tell this by his reaction. He says you are jealous - so you back off and THAT lets him explore this situation with her. HIS behavior is unsettling. He shouldn't WANT to connect with her...... dont let your boundaries waiver. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. But, if it is going to happen, then meet her. You will feel the connection they have and be able to watch her communicate with him. Dont tell him all that. Stay confident. Show him the great person you are and who he will lose if he disrespects you in any way...
I think you should be open minded about this. The past is done and you should not stay stuck. It may be good if he can forgive her and go forward. I do not think we should throw people away
Healing growing changing as we as individuals grow. Is good. I think you should be positive about this. You don’t have to be her best friend. Be gracious and polite and speak your mind and must important your feelings to him about it. A man. Any person need to be free and Fred to grow as a person. You should not try to control him.