I've got a simple one for you today.
Prove it.
Prove it to yourself.
The one thing you're holding onto as your reason for not doing what it is you actually want to do. The one thing you don't believe you can be. The one thing you don't believe you can have.
Prove yourself right.
Because this is a theme that comes up time and time again in my emails and calls with you.
It's woven all throughout your stories.
"I can't do this UNTIL I have (this)."
"I can't get (this) UNLESS I also overcome (this)."
But how do you overcome something if you've never tried, if it's only the BELIEF in it that's holding you back? How do you even know the difference?
Whether it's "I can't get a guy like the one I've never been able to get" or "I can't get that job that I've never had any luck getting before" or just a general "I never get what I want. That's for everyone else, or at least someone else, but not me. That never happens in real life for me."
I want you to prove it to yourself for a change.
I want you to get your evidence, try to make it happen for you, go back in time and take a closer look at what the actual story was, not the one you remember that was only the easiest explanation because it aligned so closely with your learned underlying beliefs.
You've had a lot of time to get comfortable with the stories, the beliefs, the explanations for why things do or don't happen for you the way you believe they do. I want you - even for just this moment - to stop believing it's all working against you and I want you to imagine what the silver lining might be if all these forces were actually working for you. Yes, even in this.
Pain is awful. Heartbreak hurts. Loss doesn't get to be undone. Tragedy is terrible.
All these things can be true AND there can still be a way out, a different path, and a different way you've yet to imagine to have precisely what you're looking for and thinking you can't have EVEN if you're still the same person as you are right here, right now.
This isn't conditional based on something you have to be before you get what you want.
I was talking to a woman on our regular group coaching call about exactly this. "You mean I have to love myself first and not seek external love and validation for myself BEFORE I can be loved?"
No, that's not what I mean at all. It's just that the type of person we attract - someone who preys on us and our vulnerability in this area of needing to be loved instead of coming from a place where we already know our worth - is going to be a different type from the ones we find when we aren't sending out signals that we're looking for someone to validate and complete us and we believe we need that - and them - before we can ever find it in ourselves.
It makes it easier, but it doesn't preclude us from being loveable. Start with that. Make this easy.
I'm loveable.
I'm desirable.
I'm wanted.
I'm loved.
It's either going to be the right ones you're actually compatible with who don't seek to take your power away from you in the process or it's going to be the wrong ones who have no claim to you or your worth and don't get to have that kind of say over you UNLESS you allow them to.
Now get clear on what it is you want. Write this down at the top of your page.
Now get clear on all your obstacles. The reasons - they're not always excuses - that stand in your way. They're often very valid realities and reasons.
Write these down.
Are some of them conquerable? Or are they all impossible and will continue to stand in your way? Are there workarounds? If you don't believe there are, ask yourself if someone from an objective position with a different set of eyes and programming that aren't yours would see them the same way, or if this is a deal breaker and you need to consider another goal for you?
I want you to get to the truth of what you're actually dealing with here. I want you to clear your path so you can see your way clear and any obstacles - real or imagined - along the way.
And to do this, you need your proof.
I challenge you today to go get that proof so you can have the clarity that's been eluding you up until today.
Find it. Prove it to yourself.
You can do this. I'm right here with you, encouraging you, validating you, not denying the very real obstacles you're facing right now, just gently wanting to bring them all out into the light with actual factual, real life proof so you can see if there might be another way of thinking about them or looking at the life for yourself you've been trying so hard to find.
You're safe here.
Love,
Jane
Okay, I want to hear from you. What's your goal and what's your obstacle(s)? Look this thing in the eye so you can minimize it from here. You can make up another name in the comments if you want to but I don't want you to miss the chance to say what you want and what's keeping you from making that come true - so tell your story below in the comments!
I’m not sure I will ever be ready to date again. I was married to my beloved for 17 years, we had two beautiful children & although it was hard work we had a beautiful family. Unfortunately, we had no family or support system & we both got ill putting a strain on everything & while still wanting the very best for our children. He turned to alcohol & away from the family, which put me under greater stress & anxiety (I supported our family financially) which caused me to get sicker & depressed. Long story short, he ended up committing suicide in front of me with his two young children in the other room leaving me devastated & all alone. Desperate for support I turned to my dysfunctional family but was beaten up, held against my will physically, had $50,000 stolen from me, my children kept from me, constant threats of calls to CPS if I didn’t do certain things, actual calls to CPS (I was already so broken & so scared-my family was the most important part of my life ever & I just lost my husband; I felt like he abandoned us, a recurrent theme in my life & had such intense fear & anxiety of something happening to my children). Finally, one day we made our escape but we’re still harrassed regularly. I tried to keep our address & phone number hidden but we were stalked. Police were called on us numerous times. CPS investigated, but in the end, it was all too much for each of us & my worst fear came true-my children ended up leaving at 17 & I haven’t talked to them in over 2 years which has almost done me in. I’m slowly starting to focus on me & my happiness, but in my head, I have FAILURE as a wife, mother, person, daughter, sister, person, Christian! So many rumors were spread about me in our small desirable “Christian” community & was guilty without valid explanations-which got back to my children & only reinforced their effort to break ties with me. I am starting to get out now & I have joined a group that plans daily activities that you can sign up & attend that vary greatly which is really neat. I was a very adventurous person before I had my children so this allows me to try new activities & I’ve gotten the opportunity to meet some great people but I cannot see myself ever dating another man. Part of this comes from a few therapists warning me to not bring new men into my life with young daughters because the chance of them being molested or raped would be 70% higher & that simply was NOTan option for me/my daughters. Sorry this was so long-I kept some stuff out to try & keep it shorter...
Oh Laura, none of their behavior is "Christian" and my heart breaks for everything you've been through. My god, these people don't deserve you - none of them. I'm just glad to hear you've finally gotten some support from this new group and don't ever apologize for rambling here. This is your safe space to be every bit of you! Much love to you, sweet soul. If I could reach through here and wrap my arms around you, I'd hold you and cry with you until only love was here!
Control issues from another. I got sick and the man I'm dating has my whole phone system download to his!!
I’ve been divorced for 9 years. Had a boyfriend for the last 3 but stepped away last year in May went back in August and same shit. So this January left again and said I need to do me. He was to negative and would never except my daughter. Which she was rescued from the streets and prison. She was done with that life and she will always be my daughter no matter what. My kids will be my number 1!! He is not close to his kids or family and I am..:))
I’m trying to find my ex for alimony which his suppose to do for 10 years and only did for 14 months. I was living with my boyfriend for a year that was all I could take. I want my own place again but it is hard because I don’t make enough money.i work for the school district during the day and cleaned the school at night and do construction with my brother
On weekends. Need to pay some bills off and when my daughter gets out this year I like to have a place for us.;)) we were Together before and it was good. Need to find myself again. Not negativity!!!
My heart breaks for you and your daughter, Lori. What you've been through! You do need to do you, not him, not anyone else, but you. You're worth finding and you're going to find yourself standing strong and tall and still gold underneath the layers of everyone else's toxicity and negativity they've been putting on you! You go, girl. Uncovering yourself is a beautiful thing!
Practice law, recover from depression, get skills
Cheering you on from here, Katy!