Our letter today comes from Lexi, who's trying to get her boyfriend to change his behavior now that she's carrying his baby.
Her story:
My boyfriend of a year and some months has recently moved in with these terrible roommates who just drink and smoke every single day and he’s been doing the same since being with them.
I recently got kicked out of their home for I got in an argument with the owner of them being a bad influence and smoking in the room with me (I’m currently 6 months pregnant), and ever since I’ve left my bf hasn’t tried to even keep up a conversation with me over text.
He takes two hours to respond to any text I say and even then it’s just a dry response.
What makes me concerned is he ignores me for 6+ hours until it reaches 7 pm every single night and he claims it’s because he smokes too much and he falls asleep but I can’t believe it happens every day and he doesn’t even “wake up” until 1:00 the next day.
I’ve told him countless times how it makes me feel and he apologizes and says he’ll work on it but he hasn’t changed. I’m not sure what to do.
I can’t tell if I’m being cheated on or if he just doesn’t care about me. He’s told me how me arguing with him about his drinking habits are annoying so maybe he just needs a break?
But I’m trying to make him a better person for our baby - he doesn’t need to be an alcoholic or smoking and making his health deteriorate. He doesn’t even have a job - he stays at their home all day doing nothing which is even worse that he doesn’t text me!
I feel like I can’t break up with him because of our child I’m carrying but I feel like I have to if this keeps up because it’s really making me depressed feeling like a burden to someone I love.
Any advice?
Am I just too clingy or dependent on him? I honestly have no friends and he’s the only person I talk to so I feel quite lonely and can’t handle being ignored by the only person in my life.
My response:
This isn't about you being too clingy or dependent on him, Lexi, as if there's something wrong with you.
The problem is, you've become insulated to the point that he's your world, you have no one else to talk to, so you've lost much of your ability to be objective about him, about your relationship - and about what's best for you and your baby. You're lonely and he's it, so everything he says or does to you becomes the only feedback you have about yourself.
Of course you feel lonely. Or course it feels terrible to be ignored by the only person in your life. And while we can go back and trace all the reasons and causes that got you to this place where he's your whole world and you're so dependent on him, that part doesn't matter right now.
We can figure that part out later.
Right now, we're here to help you get out of this before you go any further down your current path.
None of the way he's treating you is normal. None of it!
If you're depressed feeling like a burden to someone you love, that's not love. You're pregnant, carrying his child - he has no job and sits around all day doing nothing but smoking and drinking and destroying his health and yet somehow YOU'RE the burden to him?
Lexi, this isn't the way loving relationships work.
This isn't an environment you want to raise your child in. And while I try to reach women before they're pregnant carrying the child of men who treat them like this, who make them feel like this, before they become too involved and invested, it's not too late to start from where you are right now.
If you can't accept him as he is right now, drinking, smoking, choosing friends who are a bad influence on him, treating you the way they are, while he doesn't stand up for you and plays games with how and when he communicates with you, you're not going to be able to do this for long.
He didn't just take up these behaviors because they were a bad influence on him; he chose them!
You need to plan on him NOT changing, on your not being able to "make him be a better person for our baby" no matter how hard you try. This is especially heartbreaking because I've seen this line of thinking both in myself back when I was single and over the years with the women I've met and worked with.
Either we believe things will be better, that it'll bring you closer, or we give him the benefit of the doubt that over time he'll just want to change.
Neither is a reality you can count on, Lexi.
I've got a line up of women who thought the same thing, too, only to find out the reality that who someone is before and during the time you're carrying his child, is the same person he is after your baby is born.
It's the most sensitive ones of us who are affected by the subtle and not so subtle cultural programming that tells us we can fix guys like this by being more loving and caring and understanding, and especially by setting an example for them to follow and helping to show them the way.
It never works.
They don't change unless they choose to change, and having someone trying to get them to change almost always makes them dig in further so they can prove they don't have to.
His behavior has nothing to do with you!
Lexi, I'm featuring your letter today because I want you to feel the indignant responses of all the women who see this from an outside perspective that's really hard to see when you're in it like this, with no one around you to tell it to you like this.
Who do you have? Do you have family who can be there for you instead of him? Is there anyone at all who can walk through this with you?
Yes, having a child with someone complicates things. Yes, it would have been easier - and so much clearer - without you having a child together.
But who he's showing you he is isn't someone you would want to be an influence on your child right now and we have no reason to believe it'll be better anytime soon. That's more of a fantasy than a reality.
You need to find someone to talk to who can walk through this with you and give you some honest advice.
Family? Pregnancy support groups? A local La Leche League group? Your doctor? Keep looking until you find someone who's going to be there for you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
It's your turn to chime in with some advice for Lexi. What do you think she should do in this situation? Tell her in the comments!
Thank you, everyone, for your beautiful outpouring of support and practical advice for Lexi. She emailed me privately to let me know how much it helped her to read your comments when she had no where else to turn. Love you guys!
Let him go, but definitely try your best to get as much out if him financially as (and if) possible. Contact his family and tell them how he treats you and your child. Increase the pressure and concentrate on your maximum benefit!
Lexi, you must do what’s best for you and your child. As for your child’s father leave him along until he figures things out are should I say figure out what he lost. You sound like a caring person who is seeking love from someone who will probably not provide you with love in return. Staying in this situation will only make things worse. If he acting like this now imagine how he will be around your child. You don’t want any mistakes to happen nor do you want child protective custody to intervene. Love yourself honey than true love will eventually come.
Lexi, he doesn’t deserve you. Let him go and concentrate on yourself. Join a social group in your area. If there is no such group, start one. Put your efforts into meeting new friends. You’ll meet people who are lonely and wanting to get together too and get the support you need. I’m single and in 2 social groups. It has changed my life. If you start a group, you’ll find that it will change your life too. We women are strong, chin up and take little steps. All the best with hope that you’ll come through strong❤️
Dear Lexi,
Jane is right, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour....you definitely need a,friend and confident now please takes Jane's advice and call some of her suggestions...
It is not just about you anymore you have a new life to think about, nurture and love. He cannot give you what you need or want now. Concentrate on getting that outside help....Hecis definitely showing you who he is, and it's not good....he needs to grow up, not you....
Xx Janene
Lexi get out before the baby is born. You are suffering in it and you dont want the same for your baby. Then there would be 2 ppl suffering the same consequences. As a mother you need to stand up for your baby and you now!
Lexi, leave him, he will not change for you or your baby. Take care of yourself. Seek groups where you can talk.If you have family seek their support. Dont get into this behavior of you bf, he will not change. Married 50 years nothing ever changes. Im finally alone again. All the best to you.
I have never been in her situation, but I have been in situations with bad boyfriends where eventually I realized I wasn’t getting what I deserved. I knew, deep inside, that the boyfriends would never change and it took time, but I always ended up getting out. I think this woman needs to get out. I believe this man will never change. I think she needs to get payments monthly from him for the child and that’s the only thing she should want from him. Other than that, she should have no contact with him and try to move on mentally and emotionally, with help from somebody.
Lexi, my advice to you would be pray about it! God knows all about your situation! He will guide you and bring people into your life that will help you and truly care about you and your precious child! I agree with everything that Jane has said to you. Unfortunately this guy is not mature enough, nor does he want the responsibility of taking care of you and this child right now. He has some growing up to do and no matter how hard or how much you try to help him to grow, he won't until he chooses to do so! He has a free will just like you have and forcing or pushing will only make him completely disappear! I am speaking from my own experience and had to learn this the hard way, so I hope that you Will be spared that pain dear one! You and your child do deserve much better and please don't settle for because you may think that's the best that you can get! It's not and you will be amazed as you allow God to move on your behalf and see how much better it can be! You may not have him but you have a very special little gift inside of you right now that is going to bring you great joy and Love! ❤😊
Hi Lexi, first of all may God give you strength during this difficult times with that man you call hour bf. You need to change your focus now, you and the baby need to be your priority/main concern not him. He is an adult and you’ve already told him with what needs to change and he doesn’t do any effort to make things better than you need to move on if he doesn’t appreciate you. Maybe after he experiences your abcence after a few month he might start to consider you and want to change. Meanwhile don’t bother with him and find a safe home and be around people who will help you there are some resources out there as a social worker or just google and start making the calls. Don’t give up on you and your baby you guys are more important now than that bf who doesn’t want to be there for you guys.
Lexi, I have been in your shoes at least 4 times in my life (minus 3 pregnancies). I was married for 11 years to an abusive, drug addicted Manchild before getting pregnant with my now 27 year old son. Eleven years of trying to change him. 11 years of my young life down the drain. I knew once the baby came my love for the child would trump over any other emotions of fear, loneliness, & contempt for myself. I stayed married anyway & watched him continue his childlike behavior....blaming everyone but himself! We divorced after 16 years of marriage because HE cheated, & not for the first time. That my dear was the last straw for me. I realized (a bit late of course) that I CAN do it all without him. I'd been carrying all the weight for years working, paying the bills & caring for my child. DON'T WASTE ANOTHER MOMENT WITH THIS MAN! LIFE IS SHORT. FOCUS ON YOUR BABY. Make the child first, not him. The loneliness will go away, you'll ultimately have pride in yourself for a job well done. Do whats right for the child! Once you get on the other side of things, you'll look back & say "what the hell was I thinking/doing?" I'm 62 & now married to a wonderful man. My son is an educated, successful man too. Don't waste precious time on an obvious loser.💜
I agree with Jane. Lexi, there us help out there! He's not going to change until HE is ready. Please dont waste your time & life waiting for him too. Move on for you & your sweet baby. Seek help. Love you ~ Teresa
I agree with thoughts explained here. You are unfortunately allowing him to treat you this way as you are staying there and waiting for him. Its time to pick back up. Can you move in with family? Though it may be extremely difficult, you need a supportive environment right now ESPECIALLY because you are pregnant. Baby can feel our insides too emotionally. It does affect them what we are feeling and going through whether we mean it to or not. With that in mind, please please please consider moving in with a support group like family or friends who able and willing to help you and baby. Do not wait for a person to change. Work on changing you. Become the best person for you and that child. That baby needs and deserves a healthy mama not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. If I can do this on my own now raising a 3 year old and not married, you most certainly can too. It is a choice and we all have one. Put your needs ahead by moving forward and not looking back. Do not dwell or focus on past or what could be. Focus on you and that baby. That is priorty right now. A good man will follow later.
Lexi, this is absurd! I know hundreds, probably thousands of people, and not a single person I know would act like him. He’s a negative -1000 on a scale of 1-100. It doesn’t matter whether the reason he’s treating you like crap is because he’s cheating or just being a jerk. Just because he gave you sperm does not mean that he’s entitled to a place in your life. Would you want a friend or sister to be in your position? Nobody deserves that. Once you spend some time away, you’ll realize you’re better off alone. Your own company is far better than this person’s. Even if he wasn’t drinking or smoking all day, purposefully staying away from you is the opposite of what a relationship looks like. You got this, girl!
I agree 100% of what Deborah and Ms. Jane has said. Being pregnant will not change a loser's behavior. Not even if your married to one like I was. My ahole husband treated me so badly when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion! The kicker was is that I wasn't able to have children, and here I was pregnant! I ended up having two sons, all healthy but the abuse didn't stop. I stayed with this monster for twelve miserable years 'for the kid's sake' but in return my mental health was destroyed. I'm still suffering from PTSD from the abuse my husband caused me during our marriage. I wouldn't even call it a marriage but more like two roommates with kids together. He smoked weed constantly, hung out with bad friends whom also abused their wives, never gave me affection or stood up for me etc. I also committed suicide just to get away from him but had my kids to think about. It grieves me when I see young women not taking care of themselves. By that I mean, not protecting themselves with birth control or better yet, sustain from sex. Men like this don't change just because your having his kid. He doesn't care about you or his child. Its best to cut your losses now and get rid of him. Even if you have to go to a pregnancy shelter, it would be better than what your doing now. As difficult as it will be, maybe putting the baby up for adoption is better for both of you. You won't be able to rely on him for support. At least you can have a second chance of getting your life back and with some therapy from your local state learn how to love yourself and get some kind of job training so you can one day support yourself and your baby. I was taught the same BS about men that if you show them how much you love them, they will change. This is a lie! Nice thought but it isn't reality. Your boyfriend sounds like he has no self love or self esteem either. Two codependents wont make a good and lasting relationship-baby or no baby. Please quit chasing after him. It makes you look desperate and needy which never works with men. When he finds out you no longer want or need him, maybe and he'll straighten up........but I doubt it. He also doesn't love or care for himself. Right now you need to focus on you and your baby. Forget him! I realize it will be hard and very painful but I assure you it will be worth it. Please don't allow yourself to fall for another loser again.
Almost committed suicide, not also,lol!