You've been waiting for someone your whole life, haven't you?
Whether it was your mom to love you, your dad to be proud of you, or your teachers to like you, your friends to include you, your boyfriends to never leave you, you've been waiting for someone to do something you wanted them to do your entire life.
To love you.
To want you.
To hold you.
To be with you.
To choose you.
To commit to you.
To never, ever leave you.
Except that never worked out the way it was supposed to.
They left.
They couldn't commit.
They chose someone else.
Isn't it time you stopped waiting for anyone else to do what you want them to do? You can't wait anymore for someone to come around, to recreate a different outcome to that same scenario they represent.
You're the only one waiting. He's not.
He's out there living his life. He's out there doing everything HE wants to do. He's not thinking of you. He's not pining after you. He's not putting his life on hold while he figures out what he wants to do.
Every single day I talk to women who look back wistfully on all the waiting they've done. They see so many times they almost left, so many times they almost put themselves and their feelings first for a change. And now, years down the road they still notice a similar pattern.
They're waiting again.
Girl, there's so much more to life than waiting! Maybe that's what you were conditioned to believe you had to do. Maybe you felt this made you good, that you'd earn your reward this way. That's not how anything works. Stop waiting for something that isn't going to happen. No matter how much you try to justify or excuse someone while you're the one who's suffering along. Waiting.
Nothing changes while you wait except you.
You feel weaker, less confident, less powerful, less yourself. Before you know it, you become a shadow of yourself. Someone else you used to be is but a memory.
Don't be that women who looks back wistfully on her life wondering why she didn't do what you could have done at the time. THIS is your time.
Be the one today who stops the waiting, who changes this today!
No, he's not worth it, but you are!
Love,
Jane
How about you, Beautiful? Have you ever fallen into the trap of waiting far too long? Share your stories and struggles with all of us down below in the comments!
I have put my life on hold for 30 + years. Waiting for the man that I love to make a commitment to me. It has not happened. He keeps hooking up with other women. I thought after he broke up wiy6the last one he would be with me....nope...he got back together with an ex. So here I am on the side line again. The nee girlfriend gets the fun dates, going places, family outings, going out to dinner etc, what do I get? Not much. Tired of being a booty call. I love him but don't think things will ever change.
You're not on the sidelines unless that's where you tell yourself you are, Kelly. On the contrary, once you take your power back from him and everyone else who's taken all yours from you, you're going to realize you're the one who's free!
I can do relate to everything you write. I have been waiting for over 30 years, for the man that I love, too be with me and love me. When I should have been out there dating......I was waiting. He was single when we met (but had a girlfriend). He ended up marrying her. They were married a long time then got divorced. Thought we would be together. Nope, he hooked up with another and another all the while keeping me in his "back pocket". He was in a relationship with this other Women for like 5 years, she left him. I thought now we can be together......Nope he hooked up with another. I know I need to walk away, but I do love him so much. And maybe he knows that, that's why he treats me like he does, he knows I will always be there for him. So here I am, almost 50 years old and still waiting.......how sad is that.
What would you do instead of waiting, Kelly? Why will you always be there for him? What does he do for you?
I met a guy who I thought was the One! 4 dates of friendship and passion. Then silence .. wtf?? Any advice..should
I ask Him Out?
No, Amy. His silence is telling you everything you need to know. Hold your head up high. If someone's going to be the one, it'll take more than 4 dates for you to know!
I leave comments. I've tried to reach out through twitter, Instagram even, and Jane never responds to me. Im thinking about unsubscribing.
Yes,I have put my life on hold for men. I tried and tried to show them how good of a woman I am. I tried to love them through their issues, for them to only pass me by because of mine. I have spent many restless nights wondering what it is that I do wrong. Why am I not lovable, why they chose the one they did over me. I still to this day wonder if I am as good a woman I think I am and what I bring to the relationship is so good why am I still alone. Why am I still fighting to be loved. Maybe, I am not the woman I thought I was.
No, Wathina, the only thing you did "wrong" was to keep on loving these men through their issues when there was nothing coming back for you! Oh, sweet soul, it's not that you might not be the woman you thought you were, it's that I KNOW these men aren't the men you thought they were!
This is me to a tee and now I have no one. I don't know who I am or what I'm even here for. I'm 56years old and my life has been and still is on waiting. Help!
Pick one thing you have some control over, Renee. One thing you don't have to wait for to make it happen and put your energy into that. What makes you feel alive? What reminds you that you're here right now for a reason? And if you want to find a purpose, pick one thing that breaks your heart and do something to make a difference in that area. There are so many roads to the same place, it doesn't matter which road you choose as long as you choose the road that leads to getting back some semblance of the power you hold over your life, over your choices, over you! I'll be thinking of you. I know this isn't easy, and it's not what you pictured your life would be at this point but there's something still here for you that you are here right now, even if you don't understand why. Much love, my sweet friend.
Jane please read my comment below. Sara
That was great advice & second it!
Grow Yourself like the flower you are, unfold your petals yourself & enjoy the road as being low value to yourself attracts no o e; even as a friend of same sex for friendship….👍🏻💕
OMG - this!! 1,0000000% and I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. 😔
Stop waiting. Start living? Start choosing? Start imagining the "what if" - and it's the good kind? Can you start with that? Sending you so much love, Missy. No, this isn't ever as easy as one word cliche answers or people who've never been here can make it out to be!
Wow I am not the only one having this issue.
So hurt and depressed. He left me and Im pregnant. He says he wants to try little by little, but won't come back to live with me right now. I told him that if he really wanted me he'd be here with me and Im not doing this waiting thing. Some say I'm too pushy. He says the same thing. I want things my way, when I want them all the time. I don't mean to be pushy but if we're gonna be together why not now? I'm pregnant I want him here with me. He'll come over for sex though, no problem, and then leaves. He'll spend the night one night and the next night says he's not sleeping over. It makes me feel like he doesn't truly want/love me because wouldn't he be here with me? Again, I have a lot of people telling me I'm being too pushy. I don't know what to do or think or believe anymore. I dont want to be upset like this during this pregnancy. And just a brief description.. he left because "I put his things out." He got really upset and blames me, stating I am the one that put his things out. (He tried to leave twice before this and I talked him into staying, so I fell like this is what he really wanted.) The reason for that was because he was being really distant with me, not sleeping with me, talking to me like before, etc. I also found out from his ex (daughters mom) that he was still talking with her and she said they had sex together. He denied the sleeping together part, but admitted to talking to her, only for their daughter. He says I nagged him too much and that's why he was distant with me but I just felt so upset and him being distant didn't help the situation. So I told myself if he doesn't come home one more night, I'm putting his stuff out and I did. He left and now doesn't want to come back.
Oh Sara, this was never about him leaving because you put his things out. This is about you finally calling him out for his long-standing bad behaviors that so clearly showed you how incapable he is of actually giving you anything but crumbs and then blaming you for wanting more. Of course you're going to be "pushy" with someone who you have to push just to get them to be with you! That's the problem. He doesn't actually want to be in a real relationship and wants to take his time coming to terms with his own reality. Find some support for you and for your pregnancy and your baby. He is so clearly incapable of treating you with the dignity and respect so make sure you give yourself those things in the absence of them coming from him!
Jane, I don't know how to. I am in therapy, but my therapist is a little ruff and I don't like it. I need help
This definitely resonates with me! I am so burned from waiting in two longterm relationships- for proposals, for them to come around and act like they did in the beginning, etc. No more!
Question- if we've been in those situations before, how do we know if we are bringing our baggage into new relationships/dating situations? The beginning is so hard as it is and it's tough to know whether it feels hard because it's repeating old patterns by letting them control the clock? Or whether it feels hard because we are reliving old trauma and bringing it to a new situation where it's undeserved? If it's the latter, what do we do?
I'd look at the issue as being "letting them control the clock", D. That's a huge opening here into what's going on behind the scenes in your relationships. Why does he control the clock? What exactly does "controlling the clock" mean or represent to you? Why does someone have to control the clock? What if no one did and you both just showed up as who you are with no clock? Can you see where I'm going here? There's so much here this is like a goldmine into your psyche around this "clock" piece. Without knowing you personally, I'd say there's no room for a partnership or relationship of equals here if one person "gets" to control the clock. My bet would be on that being the underlying issue.