I adore the women I coach, and one of these beautiful women I spoke with on our call today was no exception.
She recently had a relationship end painfully, and not only did she endure the pain of the unexpected breakup, after he broke up with her, he blocked her.
She can't get over the blocking part. And today, we went through why.
It's because this part isn't about him - she gets that he's not the right one for her in the long term with what she knows about him now.
But what she isn't getting over is that he blocked her when he did it.
Today I explained why.
She can't get over this part because it's the part she's embarrassed about, ashamed about. It's the part she has a "should" around.
She shouldn't be the "too much" woman who's going to want more of a dialogue with him, a conversation which inevitably includes having emotions come up that she isn't "supposed" to burden him with. She hears what he didn't say - that he blocked her because he knew she would want to talk more, she would want to process it with him and she would have more of a voice here than to just walk away herself.
And that's where the "should" - and the shame - comes in. She should be different than who she actually is, is the voice she hears.
But what I pointed out to her today, is that if she owns the very thing here that she's ashamed of, no one - not him or anyone else who comes after him - will EVER be able to make her feel this way again!
This is what I explained to her. He blocked her because he didn't want to give her an open dialogue to talk more about the breakup, and she felt the shame - because she's been here before and felt shamed for the same thing - around her being too much, too needy, in wanting to communicate more, in wanting to talk more than someone else did, in wanting more of an explanation.
But there's nothing wrong with that. There's only something wrong with it if you're with people who can't handle that!
Instead, what I wanted her to see, is that she's got a guy who took their 6 month relationship and ended it with a quick break up and block, without giving her - or their 6 month relationship - the courtesy of caring about her feelings enough to give her a chance to talk to him about it.
Sure, we've all done this in reverse. But the shame she's unknowingly taken on by his handling of this is what I'm looking at here. That's the part we have to change.
Own what shames you. Own what you're embarrassed to admit.
In this case, that you're a woman of integrity who asks for the same. To have a conversation with a guy you've been in an intimate love relationship with for 6 months when he's telling you he's breaking up with you!
Don't put this on you.
Find the part that's yours. Own that. Find the rest that's his. Give that back to him.
Oh girl, the hardest part of this is that we keep taking back what was never ours to own, we keep bearing the silent shame and embarrassment of it that we never deserved to bear, and we keep repeating this pattern with anyone who can't handle us - when it's a reflection on him, not you!
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous - does any of this resonate with you? Share your thoughts, feelings and stories down below in the comments!
Um, no, get out of that relationship. From an outside view, this is a controlling, immature man. He really doesn't seem to respect you. Don't stay for the sex, let him run.
I've always blamed myself & tried to figure out what I did so wrong & what I could of done to keep it from happening. There is nothing worse than being blocked or just simply ignored. It's frustating & painful. I'm slowly realizing it's not all my fault but I still staggers me.
I own that I have had separation anxiety. I thought it was co dependence. I used to get anxiety and overthinking. That’s where I would text too much, and send too many messages to him. I think he found me too much to deal with.
From my experience, we only text more when we are with men who can’t make us feel safe or secure. With my first bf, I felt secure, so I would never feel that anything was “off” & as a result, I never felt I had to text him more than he would me. The second bf was always ghosting then coming back like nothing happened. His behaviour made me feel nervous (and so it should have) and I was texting to ask what’s going on, and he would avoid. Now, I can see the unhealthy behaviours in men, I would never accept this kind of nonsense again. Toxic people can’t be long term partners.
Exactly, BK! So glad you're seeing this.
I had my husbandnof 10 uears walk oit and silence and block me for 7 weeks. He told everyone else he aint comong back but eould not tell me. All he wld say (on text) os he was clearing his head. I am still suffering after 3 months becaise i love him . I called his mom to come help him settle down and she came, but never came back. Ghe family all blocked me the first day. I cant beleive i feel this way either! I shld ve loke you wanna go then theresbthe door.bye Felicia ..but it is painful when they do this. Physically painful so much you can feel lit weighi.gIt down on you. It is very immature i mist say, but i blame myself too (and him) he cant be man enough to admit to his wrongs he push it all on me and hide. I still havent got anexplanation. He jst told my bff it jst wont work?! Loke how do u know if u dnt try 😐
I've been dating a this guy for almost a year now, and it's all about him, I can never do anything right, everything is my fault. He can do no wrong. He refuses to communicate because he doesn't want to "argue". He runs and ends it as soon as I do something to make him mad. He's constantly accusing me of talking to other guys when I'm not and has full access to my phone while I have zero access to his. Idk what to do. Our sexual relationship is great, and things will go great for awhile then he's gotta find some reason to run. He is a very sweet and kind person and I can see that but he's so guarded that if he'd just open up I think things would work out great
"He's constantly accusing me of talking to other guys when I'm not and has full access to my phone while I have zero access to his." This is controlling. Please really take some time away from this person and read your own comment. This is not a good relationship.
Hi Angel, my name is Linda from Joplin Missouri.
Sometimes men pull away for no apparent reason. They just need to have their own space. For example if they get a lot of a good thing they get full of for example I will compare it to something you really like to eat a lot of. if I like to eat a lot of ice cream there is finally a time but I will tell myself I have had enough ice cream and I don't want it anymore. Same way with men. The controlling part is pretty much unacceptable to me. Working on my phone also unaccceptable. That is unless he asks and I hand him my phone then it's okay. I am a widow of two years to a wonderful man that respected my boundaries and helped me grow as a human being. he taught me what unconditional love was all about. I have had a few relationships leaning toward super controlling to partially controlling. as far as my response the person that I was in a relationship that accuse me of cheating I ended up breaking up with him. I didn't cheat on him. The my controlling person ended up in a deep friendship. I consistently had to define my boundaries and hold them to a high standard. Good luck to you! This life is too short to be unhappy and unfulfilled! I wish you all the best!
Hi Amber!
I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain! Love is supposed to feel good and lift you up to your best days ever! I have weathered many relationships and don't like controlling partners. I have learned if a man is that immature to have to look in my phone and check up on me then he doesn't trust himself. It's almost like they are putting a mirror to their own face. What they accuse you of perhaps of the day are doing. Were they had a parent or relative friend that made an impression on them about unfaithfulness. That you are okay. You are going on with your best positive life. If the person doesn't fit your requirements please don't let them bring you down into their funk. I love the article about not owning his stuff! Read again dear? You deserve the best in life! Good luck and best wishes for your romantic life!
I am in a relationship now the man only talks about things that he is comfortable with. Is work wear his issues that he feels comfortable sharing with. however there are certain things that he doesn't want to hear about from me. the sad part is he says that he suffers from erectile dysfunction. I found natural remedies to help him solve the difficulty. Sex is on his terms and very limited. I am a widow of two years. Sub v sex meeting in the middle was a milestone for me to cross. I think he is not being honest or open enough to meet might sexual needs. He is a very kind and giving person. There is another man in the foreground very physical yet I haven't met him in person yet. I think our personalities match. He lives on the east coast and cares looks after his mother in a nursing home. satisfied with our long distance relationship and would like more. Covid 19 has life pretty much pinned down to staying where we are. my heart says jump at the chance to be with someone who appears on the outside to meet all of my needs, Mr. Long Distance conversations.
This sounds like my story. The blocks from me talking to him on social media, phone etc. He is a very hard man to forget.
Always are, Deb. That's part of the attraction on his part and ours.