There’s a gorgeous woman I’ve been working with for awhile now, helping her get over a guy who keeps going silent, then coming back.
In and out.
When he’s in, it’s amazing. Then right after that, it’s too much and he’s out and then, well, not so amazing at all.
Those of you who’ve been here know exactly what that feels like. And how much we stretch for more of that amazing to come back around again.
She’s no different than you. I’ve been telling her the truth about him for awhile now. She gets it.
She’s getting there. Because the person we’re fighting the hardest with over whether to let go completely isn’t him or anyone else; it’s ourselves.
She got her confirmation yesterday. It came directly from him. So for all of you out there who can relate, she wanted to share this with you so that you can be reminded, too, that everything you know deep down in your heart of hearts - everything I keep telling you - it’s true.
How do I know?
Because I’ve been through it myself with far too many men. And then, because I’ve studied them and the women just like me who attract them, who stay with them, who live for those amazing moments no matter how fleeting they are, and can never quite let go.
I hear the heartbreak from women just like this beautiful client of mine on my calls every day, holding onto hope that this guy who gives no hope except for that rare amazing weekend thrown in here and there when it works for him, has us believing a change in him has to be coming soon.
This is what she wrote to me.
Hi Jane,
I just wanted to tell you about a text I got from A.
This validates everything that you have said to me. It has nothing to do with me.
He messaged me out of the blue and I responded by telling him that the way that he's behaved recently was unacceptable. He responded by telling me he agreed with me. It was unacceptable.
He said that's why he told me long ago that we shouldn't be friends and that he's not here to hurt me.
He told me I'm an amazing person who deserves a quality person, not the damaged person he is. Then he wrote that I haven't been around long enough to see it but that the fact that he goes silent shows me that now.
Oddly, I feel better.
- D
For every one of us who clings to that damaged person, that guy who shows so much potential because we’re the only ones who see it, who see that sensitive side, that side of him so much softer than the one he shows the world, we live for the fulfillment of our dream.
Our dream that one day he’ll see why we’re worth letting in for more than just an amazing weekend so our love can do what we live for having the chance to do. To repair that damage in him ourselves.
My client is right.
It has nothing to do with her.
Just like your guy’s inability to let you fix his damage has nothing to do with you. You can't fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed and isn't willing to do that work himself. You can't save him from himself if he doesn't reach out to someone trained professionally in whatever it is in his background that led to him needing saving in the first place. I don't care who you are or how much love you have for him; if this describes your guy you alone can't save him. The sooner you accept this, the faster you can get on with your life.
If you need to save something, find something that needs saving like a cause or an animal or a child or something you can donate your time or money to that can actually be saved.
These guys aren't it!
Thanks, D. For sharing this with me so I can then share it with a reminder to so many other women going through this right now themselves. You're a beautiful soul who deserves so much more than being with someone who can only continue to break your heart! We all do.
Love,
Jane
Have you been here? Are you here right now? Trying to fix someone who’s confession that he’s damaged only draws you closer instead of giving you the warning to run now, as fast as you possibly can? Share your story here in the comments. You’re never alone in what you’re going through, girl!
Oh yes, 13yrs of it, in and out bread crumbing, betrayal, cheating lies, I would get that glimpse of who he could be, what he was capable of but just as quickly it would disappear just like him, I started writing down when he would disappear, and as I look back it was almost monthly for a few days or 2wks and then boom hed be back.. I supported him, loved him, fed him clothed him, made his lunches when he worked, and once in a while he would reciprocate but most of the time he was volatile, towards me, verbally abusive, just used me. Still healing after this heartbreak left me for someone younger with more money
This is EXACTLY me right now. I was about to "give" in per say and text this guy to see If I could get him to respond after NOT hearing from him over a week. He comes and goes and when he's in it's AMAZING,I get those butterflies think about the future. He tells me his hopes for us, being on a beach, cooking at his place etc. But then HE'LL DISAPPEAR for a few weeks again w no communication . It throws me a curve ball I go up and down, and WHY do I do it to MYSELF?? He drags me back in every time. A week ago I sent him a flirty voice message and I'm pretty sure he received it? NOPE, it's his turn to reach out. THANKS this email REALLY helped at the right time when I was feeling vulnerable ready to reach out to him. I think this is how my mind thinks....
1) What IF he didn't receive my message
2) what IF I don't reach out he might find someone else or think I'm not interested
3) what IF I don't stay in touch, I could lose an opportunity when A comes around in the future.
4) so whats the harm?
Silly right? I HAVE to realize letting him go as HARD as it is, will save ME from hurt in the future?
or am I wrong? Help ladies...it's soo easy to give in. Still thinking about texting him!
Even if he didn't receive your message, you should hope that he didn't, it doesn't matter. You aren't giving him space to pursue you. He is not going to forget about you. He is just taking for granted that you are always there right now. Your only chance with this guy is to give him space to do whatever he wants, even find other girls... The only thing they might have that you don't is a challenge. The more you pull back the more he will come in.
Ok. So I went through this, it just stopped in February. For 3 years, I saw this guy off and on. But it wasn't consistent. He would cancel, make plans with me last minute, we had a great time when we were together (the best time) and I thought he had to be falling for me as much, as time kept going on, I began texting him more, thinking we were going somewhere and I had that right. I started getting mad at the cancelled plans and so forth...I became desperate. I completely chased him away... But then, I realized what I had done and decided I should pursue a more exciting life. I never forgot about him but I didn't worry about him. He texts. I was busy, for real. The next day, he texts again. I said not tonight, maybe this weekend. He made plans and kept them. I didn't tell him how great of a time I had. He did. A few days goes by... He text me wants to know if I can see him in a couple days. I got flowers for the first time in 3 years. He is away for a job now but he calls allot. He messages me randomly to talk about his day and he wanted to make sure I wasn't seeing anyone while he is away. I said no one has peaked my interest.
Just try it. What can it hurt?
How long did you step back before he started texting you? I met this a guy a year ago hot and cold and gets close pulls away. I got his walls down last year only to get them back up. It’s been stressful. I’m going to step back and don’t contact him cause I’m always the one contacting him and I’m done. He’s terrible at communicating!!! I think he likes it when I reach out to him. Any advice be great.
I recently started talking to a guy that I met on a dating site. We have been texting and trying to plan a get together but it doesn’t seem to ever work out. Over the last weekend and during the week we texted a lot. Sometimes up until 11 o’clock at night. He sounded very interested and even talked about coming to my house to help me with projects such as putting down the floor in my kitchen. As of Monday I have not heard anything from him except for a reply when I sent him a message. He is completely silent and I don’t get it. I’m not sure what to do about it. We have not met so I guess he doesn’t owe me anything but he gave me a total different impression. Seemed very excited about meeting and doing things together like cooking and other things. I hate to say this but this happens to me too often with these dating sites where the guy talks about meeting and then it just never transpires. I look back at my text messages with this guy and everything seems really nice and I wasn’t pushy or expecting anything from him. What switch was flipped?? UGG. Pam
Hi Pam,
I had this experience too. My friends said it's time to find someone new and encouraged to go on a dating website. For me it was a horrible experience, empty promises from guys who I believed were real but never came through or disappeared with no explanation. I even arranged to meet a couple of them who never turned up! They'd say the sweetest things, pretend they were interested and then- gone!
Rebounding from another relationship and making that decision to try again, only to be deflated again by insincere men, many who are there for their own egos is not for me.
I'm sorry you've been through this. I don't think anything flipped. I think he's probably talking to a few women and playing the game. You may hear from him again, but on your side, better now than later.
Don't give up and please don't blame yourself!
Hi Pam, I get that too! I think it's the day we live in right now. They like chatting and having company and someone to talk to...when it's "convenient"for them, or bored. But maybe that's it...that's all they really want. And also better for you to see it now, than later. He's not meant for you, is what I tell myself! That's just my perspective from the dating apps. If others have better insight, please help Pam and I out 🙂
It’s the most painful thing to walk away from a guy you feel has potential, you think if only I’m patient enough, and caring blah blah blah...he’ll come around. Wrong! These type of men have a lot of self healing to do, and it has to be done on their own. Just as the healing for yourself has to be done on your own. I second guessed myself for a few month’s after I left my guy, I care about him so much. I knew it was best, and I’m glad I did. I’m much happier now, no more of the highs and lows with him. All the energy I put into him, I put into myself. And I’m now starting my business, what I’ve always wanted. I love me more ❤️
This hits straight home for me. Absolutely dead on. He said he would never be in any other relationship again. That was 3 years ago. As beautiful of a man that he is, he will never be mine. Yes I love him and yes I have to walk away.
Jane, your articles are so good and are much needed insights for so many situations I have been in. Likewise, your articles continually remind me to stay away from those situations where I am tempted to keep hanging on and imagining something will be different in the future. I so appreciate your continued encouragement and help, because I need those reminders on a regular basis!