I've been judged my entire life. Some of you know this about me, most of you don't.
My worth was equated with being perfect.
When you have a dad who's a minister, you have to be. Picking up early on what it meant to be loved in my family, I learned to conform and earned the label of the perfect one, while my older sister rebelled against that conformity and was forced to leave our house when she was 14 years old.
I was 9 years old and the day I learned my parents had chosen my dad's church and upholding their image over their own daughter, I also learned that my perfect label wasn't just a label; it was a matter of life as I knew it or the very opposite.
It was confirmed for me that my worst fear as a child could happen; I could lose their love.
From that moment, I chose security and hid my true self until I left the country for college after I graduated high school.
My sister married her high school teacher looking for a father figure. I chased after wild and emotionally unavailable men.
When I say you have a safe place here with me, that within me is a place you won't be judged, this is why.
I love meeting you. I love talking to you. I love walking through life with you.
When I put my words out there for you to hear, it's because I'm looking for you. I'm looking for other hearts who've felt the sting of judgment their entire lives. I'm looking for other souls who've found themselves lost along the way and are looking for someone to help them find their way back.
Not broken, not lost themselves, but feeling broken. Feeling lost.
There is something so incredibly healing about being seen and not judged for who you are underneath any image or facade you've learned to portray. When our programming keeps us finding only the ones who reinforce our need to keep hiding, we set ourselves up for more self-fulfilling prophecies.
Having someone see us like this is what frees us from this pattern. Having someone love us like this is what ultimately gives us a taste of unconditional love and sets us on a new path where we don't go looking for someone so incapable of loving us (let alone accepting us!) to prove us worthy of being here at all.
We've been conditioned to be ashamed of ourselves for anything less than perfection, when ironically, it's the ones who've put this on us who are hiding from an even deeper shame within themselves.
Not being able to talk about this keeps it playing out repeatedly in our lives.
New guy, same story. New friends, same story.
Until you find someone who isn't the same guy you're trying to get to do this for you, to love you and accept you unconditionally, this pattern keeps playing out over and over again.
You're not helpless to change it, you just have to love yourself enough to.
Or, maybe you're like me. I could never find it enough in myself alone, I had to find new people and places to do this for me before I could set a new standard of what love needed to look like for myself.
Stay curious, Beautiful.
If none of this makes sense and it's only a feeling you get that resonates, that's something. I'm sending you love and acceptance wherever life finds you today.
Whatever your own story is, wherever you've been, whatever you've been through, you've always done the best you could with where you were.
It's called grace.
I learned that one early - undeserved, unearned favor and kindness. The irony is that we learn that's for others and not for ourselves unless someone gives it to us.
Be that one who gives it to you. Give yourself permission to. Start there. It's where I began years ago. Questioning one thing at a time.
With love. With acceptance. With grace.
Love you, Beautiful! Just as you are!
If any part of this resonated with you today, I'd love to hear from you in the comments below. No, you're not alone - you're NEVER alone - in what you've been through!
Wow - this hit the bulls-eye! I lost my whole family when I was 5. Being the sole survivor - I've subconsciously/consciously lived with survivor's guilt - why was I the only one to live?? I was raised by family members who threatened to send me to an orphanage anytime I misbehaved, so trying to 'be perfect' is the story of my life!!
Flash-forward to being married to someone who told you the only reason why anyone would even want to be with me or speak to me was because I was married to him - that the only thing I was good for was sex....now listening to that for 14+ years will totally demolish your self-esteem!
I know I have no control over what has happened to me in my past - those were things that were totally out of my control. I am trying to learn the life lessons from these events throughout my life and turn them into something positive.
I am a constant work in progress. I pray for God's guidance and protection in my life as I navigate the murky waters of life and its adventures. Thank you for being a part of my life and its adventures and lessons!
Oh how my heart breaks for you, Kathy. Honored to be here walking through the murky water with you. Thank you for being here, too.
Wow, so true. I too have been judged by my father and I too, still have issues giving myself love.
I can talk it, walk it but have an issue currently walking away from one guy. But it has to happen. Why do we find one person whose opinion matters so much that it is so hard to let go? Needing their approval becomes more important then your own? Ugh. I'm stuck.
This panged at my heart and then made it smile!
For the record, (and I’m sure I speak for many other women who read this blog)... we love talking to you too! And we love hearing your stories. It helps with perspective and has given me a lot of hope.
You heal me everyday, Jane! Merry Christmas!
Love you,
Julie
I grew up in the same type of staunch religious home where hearts and feeling of children did not matter! What mattered was the status and image of the parents! Hugs and unconditional love was never there! I basically raised myself with no one to confide in at any point. Small town people know whats going on but no one wants to intervene or interfere.
I have had multiple relationships with men i gave everything to before they proves their worthiness. Always me seeking live and approval and acceptance. Im now 53 single and still cannot find a loving partner that gets me or the whole relationship thing, compromise, trust, love and acceptance of each other.
I’m exhausted mentally and lonely as hell. My biggest fear is growing old alone as really I have been alone emotionally all my life and it doesnt get easier. I know happiness starts from within but I know I will never be totally happy being single!
If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them!!
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know what others have gone thru and how they find peace for such invisible turmoil!
Hi Jane! It's interesting how we can still carry things from our childhood. I've been going back through your BCR You program, which I first did two years ago. I just finished week 1. I'm going a bit slower this time but I actually think so far I'm able to go deeper and look at things from a different perspective.
One thing I found interesting this round was when i focused on all the things I believed were wrong with me, the things I wish I could change about myself. It ended up being the same things I listed in the first round, though I have a more positive perspective on them this time. However this time I realized something that I hadn't picked up on the first round. Every single one of these things were stuff that other kids made fun of me for when I was young! It all got so deeply imprinted and internalized into a subconscious picture of what was wrong with me and why I wasn't good enough! It's crazy how we carry these beliefs with us into adulthoood, even if we don't realize it.
One of the reasons I started this program was because I felt my worth really dropping with the guy ive been seeing and I was becoming very unhappy. What's interesting is that shortly after I started week 1, his behavior towards me has totally changed. Hmmm.
I feel like I have to prove myself to everyone it's getting old. Everyone seems to tell me what to do. I am old enough to make my own decisions. The ones who tell me how to go forth have not been in my situation . I am a divorced mother with an ass for an ex. Have my own house and struggle . I am a very good person and treat others how I want to be treated. Been burned 1 to many times by guys who ghost me early on or are only looking to get laid and not build a relationship.
I am currently dating a guy who was aggressive at first then asked to take it slow. As he was burned by girls before. I assured him I am not like them and that I hope I am one of the nicest women he will ever meet.
I dont pretend to be anyone else as it eventually surfaces anyways He seems accepting of my almost 12 year old daughter. This means a lot to me.
I love the person I am but can't tolerate people telling me how I should live my life or shall I say how they want me to live their life in me. I am over it. (Mostly family members)
Thanks for giving me the chance to vent. Merry Christmas!
Lisa Campbell
You have nailed it right on the money, its something thats been instilled in our brains, or should I say programed. Would love to follow ur guidance.