I never left with my head held high.
I never left after careful, well-thought-out consideration, knowing I had done the right thing.
No, that was never me.
I never wanted to leave. No matter what happened, I would do my part to keep the relationship going because love would conquer all.
I would have stayed until the end.I left because of a moment where I finally could no longer hold back what I'd never dared to say out loud.
After yet another instance of being a lower priority than everything else in his life, I couldn't be silent anymore. I spoke my truth. I told him I gave up everything to live on the other side of the country for him, and this is how he treats me in return.
He didn't argue with me. He didn't defend himself. He told me to go back home if I wasn't happy. He'd never asked me to stay for him.
I didn't sleep that night. The reality of what I had done by speaking up hit me hard. All I could feel was regret. Why couldn't I just have stayed silent again? I couldn't wait for the morning to come so I could undo the damage I'd done.
When morning came, I told him I'd overreacted. I didn't mean what I'd said. I pleaded with him to give me a second chance. But it was too late. He told me I obviously felt the way I did and there was no going back.
He bought my plane ticket home. He bought all my furniture, took over my lease. Arranged to have my car transported home. Drove me to the airport telling me it was the best thing for both of us and to leave a candle burning for him because one day when he could give me what I wanted, he'd be back for me.
I got on the airplane only by putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions. I was a shell of who I had once been.
That's how I left.
If you've ever had to leave someone like this, how did you leave? How was it for you? And if you haven't left but know you need to, what will it take? Whatever you need to share, I'm here for you in the comments below.
Hi Jane, thank you so much for your work here. This post in particular hit home like no other. I was in a relationship where I did too much, loved too much, overlooked too much and lost myself in the process...just because I was in love. Sadly, I was not remotely loved back as I loved him. He wanted out, hind site is 20/20, but lacked the decency to man up and say it. Instead he did what he could to make me want to be the one to leave, but I just I hung in there like a fool thinking that he loved me. It got to the point that his lack of caring, for even for my physical well being, opened my eyes to the truth. Towards the end, after yet another fight about his lack of care and attention to me, he told me to go home, even though I was not in any condition to drive home TWICE! The next day, no apology, just blamed it on me that I caused him to throw me out! I told him that if he didn't give a damn about me if I lived or died driving drunk home than at least he should have thought that my special needs child needed his mother alive. SMH 🙁
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Merce. I can see why this one resonated so much with you. What we will do for what we believe is real love! Yes, exactly! And how my heart breaks for you.
You did the right thing. I recently ended a relationship and have regretted it since but realise it was the right thing to do. He is a wonderful man but spent most of our time together reminiscing about his ex. I put up with it thinking he needed support but because I also knew how he felt after being devastated in the past by my divorce.
But when he said he couldn't give me the relationship I wanted but tp carry on and see what happened something clicked and I heard myself saying we should end.!! Months of crying later I realise it was the right thing to do at the time you should be loved and adored and be the centre of his world I wasn't either so don't put up with second best and expect more.
He has recently been in touch a couple of times too !! So can't seem to let go completely.
Hopefully your man will realise what an idiot he has been but should you wish to return things need to change to your terms. Good luck but keep that head heals the highest of the high you did the right thing and held your respect too
Well done you you should be proud of yourself x
i just left last nite... with my head held high but my heart in a million pieces. he did nothing to try to keep me- except blame me, tell me i was making a mistake and that i would regret it. i could not stay when he decided lies and disrespectful angry outbursts and drunken stupors were ok. it hurts immensely because i really loved him.
I left by asking for a divorce. We lived in the same household with our two boys in separate rooms till our divorce was final in March 2019 sold our home and now trying to find myself. He still speaks to me in a rude way and calls me names when he doesn't get his way.
I didn't leave the first time because of my neediness. Couldn't ignore anymore how badly I was feeling on the second attempt to stay with him ( no love, no authentic interest in me on his part).Finally had the courage to say "I am moving on."
Hearing you, Deborah. "Finally" happens when we can't do it anymore. Be proud of yourself that you got there at all.
Hindsight ... a wonderful thing.
Should not have remained silent for so long.. sounds like you needed to speak out earlier in the relationship.
Head held high.
With hindsight ... you gave away your power to him.
Perhaps should have turned, given him a hug and said ‘ I don’t think you have the capacity to give me what is right for me anyway.
I am so thankful I am leaving.
All the best.
That is head held high.
But... then again ... hindsight is a wonderful thing and when one is caught up in an emotional situation ... it is difficult.
So true, Emma. With hindsight, those words - and the clear boundaries contained within those words - seem so obvious. When we're in it, they don't even cross our mind.
No they do not because at that moment in time we are not thinking logically because we are caught up in emotion and the sense of loss we are or will experience.
There is a saying ... every girl loves a bad boy at least once till she finds the man who truly loves her.
Kindest thoughts
Correct... they do not cross our mind because we are too embroiled in emotions and the sense of loss.
After a period of detachment and healing one can realise ...it was not a loss... but a regaining of self respect and autonomy.
There is a saying ... that every girl loves a bad boy at least once in her life until she finds the man who treats her properly.
Kindest thoughts
There’s no dignity in begging a man to tell you he loves you, one more time. Or bargaining with him (and yourself) for crumbs just so you can rationalize the abandonment. Truth is he didn’t love me, like I was willing to love him. Because he didn’t love himself - why the hell should I? When love is more of a fantasy than reality, it’s so painful to let go.
So true, Abby. None at all.
My God, Jane. My heart breaks for that young version of you. I was basically imagining being in your shoes as I read and wow. He basically did more to let you go and get you back home than he did to keep you. Funny how we don't see those things when we're going through it. How fast they walk and don't even bat an eye while we are left thinking we made a mistake and should have stuck it out. Unreal. Of course all of this is visible with hindsight. I was never exactly in a situation like yours per se, but it was similar. I stayed till I just couldn't anymore. Shocked and hurt. My body went through the motions to leave after I'd been disrespected and mistreated for a long time. They never went after me of course, which confirmed what was so hard for me to understand back then: they were never there. I made them up. I was the only one in whatever illusion I created, sometimes with their help, sometimes all on my own. Distant times, painful times. I'm glad we have managed to move away from that and I hope more and more people who find your words resonating with them move away from these situations, too. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure many of us can relate in some way.
Thank you, Angel. How interesting you picked up on that. None of mine (except one) ever went after me either, but I always found it fascinating how many men would come back after because I always lived for the hope that mine would! However, with what I've learned from the women I've worked with who've experienced this, it actually makes it harder because we so want to believe they've changed and unfortunately, 99 % of the time they haven't. They're just looking for another go around until it's all too close - and too real - again and the entire pattern is repeated again. The only one who ever came back for me - he's the one I was physically sick with the weekend of what was supposed to be the "perfect" Pebble Beach golf tournament (yeah, that was my golf phase - I never liked golf until him) if you remember that blog post, and he came back only when I was already engaged. Sadly, I learned he passed away far too early after a troubled life. I knew how to pick them. Oh how I wanted to save them! Especially the ones who never knew they needed - much less wanted - to be saved!