Do You Think He Just Used Me for Sex?

Our letter this week comes all the way from Hong Kong, where beautiful Laura wants to know what she should do about a guy she met 4 months ago on Tinder, who lives on the West Coast.

Here's her letter and my response:

Hi Jane,

I met this guy on Tinder 4 months ago, and after talking to each other for 1 month, he asked me out. To give you some background information, he lives in SF while I live in Hong Kong, but he works between Hong Kong and SF.

We had sex on the first date.

I know this is not good, but he said he didn't plan it and said he will see me again. So after one week working in China (we text each other every day), he came back to Hong Kong for one day and he did ask me out, said he wants to see me. Its a dinner date.

After that he is back to SF and we text each other most of the days and he will send me selfies (not sure if that means anything).

And last month I made a trip to SF for a week and he asked me to stay with him. The week was so good. He got off early for me, we went dinner movie and watch sunset, just whatever a couple will do. And we made a weekend trip to somewhere outside SF.

Before the day I need to go back to Hong Kong, I told him I quite like him and I want to know what's on his mind. He said it's too soon, and I asked him what else. He said its a very long distance for us and this is very tough and he is not going to Hong Kong for work as much as before this year after the project is finished, so maybe just friends.

And then I asked him if he is willing to give it a try, no guarantee, just see if that works, and he said we better not try.

And since that day he seems distance, but due to some reason he will need to see me next time when he is in Hong Kong. What do you think I should do next time and do you think he just used me for sex?  But the week was so good if he is only interested in sex why he did those other things to me.

My brain is telling me to cut if off but emotions always take over.

-Laura

My Response:

Dear Laura,

Put aside the part about the sex. No use beating yourself up for what you could have done differently then; now you know and that’s what matters.

No, don’t go back there. The only place I want you to look for an indicator of what to do, is where he said, “We better not try.”

That’s everything. It’s a non-starter.

Yes, you had a wonderful week; who wouldn’t have a wonderful week with you knowing it’s only one week with no complicated distance or emotions or anything else to have to deal with?

Even the most non-commital man can find it within himself to enjoy a week with a beautiful woman with so much to offer where no commitment is needed for him to enjoy himself. Whatever guilt he might feel over it, he can say – and this is exactly what a man does to settle this within himself, she made a choice.

It was her decision. She didn’t have to come. She didn’t have to have sex with me. She could have stayed right where she was in Hong Kong because there was nothing promised or implied on his part.

This is his line of thinking.

Don’t go back in time. Next time, you may do it differently, or you won’t. But that’s neither here nor there right now.

And whatever he thinks or feels about you, about a relationship, about your visit, about his upcoming visit, the only think you need to hear from him is the part that says it’s too soon, it’s a very long distance, it’s very tough, and he’s not going to be traveling your way for very much longer.

And then the ambiguous “let’s be friends”.

I don’t know whether it was just for sex. That was probably a very nice side benefit of being with you, but it really doesn’t matter at this point because he’s being very clear with all his numerous reasons he’s so quick to share with you about why this isn’t going to work, so “we better not try.”

No, it’s never “we better not try” as if there would be no point of trying given the obstacles. It’s that he’s choosing not to try because that’s what he’s comfortable with and it’s clearly what works for him. It’s his choice. People overcome long distance obstacles like this all the time if they choose to.

Don’t for even one second think it’s because you’re not enough or there’s something wrong with you that makes you not worth the effort.

This speaks to him, not to you. It speaks of where he’s at, what he’s not willing to do, for you or anyone else right now. He may be a practical, logical man who can’t see himself working through all the logistics to make this work for him. And as much as you may want him to, you can’t make him want to. You can’t make him choose to. And, really, Laura, you don’t want to HAVE to.

You want someone who, regardless of circumstances, has the ability to choose you even if that means obstacles to be overcome. Love is often easy, but it often isn’t when there’s things like distance, and commitments, and planning involved.

You’ve been honest with him, you’ve asked him where he stands. You’ve told him how you feel and where you stand. That he couldn’t bridge that gap between you isn’t yours to carry. You deserve to be with someone who makes an effort with you, and doesn’t answer you as though the gods have answered and it’s "we better not try” as if the odds are stacked against you and out of either of your control.

Love if it’s meant to be, happens because two people choose to make it be. They don’t let odds stand in their way.

I’m telling you this as I’m telling anyone else in your shoes today. Choose someone who’s also choosing you. Anything less is a choice on their part, too.

I definitely don’t think you should sleep with him next time, and I would only see him again when he comes to Hong Kong if not seeing him is worse for you than seeing someone who can give you nothing more than a day or a night together.

If you’re going to imagine there’s more to come, that there’s more for the two of you than what he’s already told you he’s not wanting to try, then I definitely would cut my ties sooner than later. But I’m not you, Laura. Only you know what you can live with, Only you know when you’ll feel like you can say I tried everything and know in your heart of hearts you did and can let him go on your terms because you did.

But dragging out or prolonging the inevitable has a way of weighing on our self-esteem. After all, he knows how you feel, and he surely knows exactly how to get in touch with you if he finds himself in a place where he’s ready to actually get to know you.

I hope this helps!

Love,

Jane

Are you hearing Laura? I'm sure a lot of us can relate. Tell her what you think she should do in the comments below.