You feel so much. You care so much. You love him so much.
You want to tell him how you feel. You think that’s all he needs to come around.
“I just need to tell him”, you think. “I just need to put it out there so that he’ll know for sure.”
So you think about it. You ask your friends what they think. Because after all, you don’t know what to think.
He’s hot and cold.
When it’s good, it’s amazing. But when it’s bad, it’s really, really bad.
He shows so much potential.
But how you do you keep that potential alive? How do you increase that potential?
And the biggest question of all, how do you get a commitment out of him?
First of all, it’s so important to recognize there’s a reason it’s so confusing. It’s because you’re dealing with someone who is confused.
He may not know it. In fact, even admitting this to himself (let alone you) is enough to make him distantly uncomfortable. But that’s exactly why you feel so confused.
It’s why you feel everything you do.
The confusion. The mixed messages. The "walking on eggshells" feeling. Everything you feel is because there really is something there.
So what do you actually do about it? Because there is just a tiny bit of hope that all that’s missing is him knowing for sure how you really do feel about him, and once he knows – once you tell him, everything will fall into place the way you know it has the potential to do.
What have you got to lose? Nothing. And everything.
See, this is a guy who thrives on not committing. He thrives on being elusive, he thrives on keeping you guessing, he thrives on not being predictable enough for you to figure out his next moves.
He doesn’t want you to be able to keep tabs on him, to know where he is at any given time, to be able to reach him whenever you want to.
Because that just feels too much like the commitment he's so afraid of.
He doesn’t want to be held to those kinds of close ties with you. Unless you catch him at a vulnerable time when his guard is down and he realizes he really does long to be loved by someone like you with so much love to give. (But again, he won’t admit that to you.)
So I have to cut right to the chase here – are you sure he’s worth it? Worth this? Like, all of this?
This trying to figure out when to say something and when to keep your mouth shut, this trying to figure out the best way to say something, and then all the time and energy you’re expending crafting just the right words to win him over.
Own your words. Share with him only as much as he’s earned the right to have you share with him in the first place.
If he’s the right one for you, telling him your feelings isn’t going to scare him off.
But don’t tell him this part right away. Wait until you know for sure that he’s worth your time, your energy, that he’s a safe place for you to share anything of this in the first place.
If it’s all about you first, and doesn’t allow for him to feel like the man he wants to be by sharing with you his own feelings when or if he's capable of recognizing them, you take the wind out of his sails and risk putting yourself in a position there’s no easy way to come back from.
It’s the mindset you convey when you own your feelings, when you own who you are that’s brought you to this point in time where you feel the way you feel.
Don’t run from that! Know that this is what makes you YOU!
What scares you the most about talking to him about your feelings, Beautiful? Share your thoughts and concerns with all of us in the comments below. We're all in this together!
I met an amazing guy 5 months ago. I was in a messed up relationship with a married man so I was hopeless and vulnerable. This guy was after a bad breakup where he thought he lost the "woman of his dreams". so we clicked immediately. This guy was so sweet, caring , romantic and always went out of his way for me. He was too good to be true and I felt like the luckiest girl alive. He gave his 100% attention, time, energy and money and I couldn't imagine what could possibly go wrong between him and his ex. He was amazing. However, he had a major red flag, which I thought I could fix as we go by. He did not want to start a serious relationship, and he told me he does not see me as the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I guess that made me crave him more and more.
Long story short, after 5 months he still does not want to commit. He is still stuck with emotions for his ex, and I feel like I am becoming an insane and a crazy person. I don't even think that I am in love with him, but an obsession to make him want me, choose me and ask me to be his girl. I had built so much of emotions like, insecurity, self esteem issues and rejection that I had totally lost faith in my self. I even know I could be with a better guy, with better status and character but its an obsession I had grown and finds so hard to get out of it. I really need to heal my self, on my own, and not rush to the next guy for a rebound. Pls tell me how to heal my self, cx the mental pressure Iv built is not effecting my physical health as well, and I hate how I feel all the time 🙁
You have such insight of your own in here, Shelly. That you can see that it's his not wanting a serious relationship that makes you crave him more, that you can see that you could absolutely be with a better guy, and that you can recognize how this has become an obsession for you that can only be resolved by healing your own self - each of these on their own are huge, but how much more a testament to how self-aware you are that you can see your own answers to all of these! Fall in love with you all over again or like you never have before, Shelly. Get to know the real you. Get to know that beautiful heart of yours. Write out everything you are, everything you offer, everything you embody, every part of you. Write out what you think of the good, the bad and yes, even the ugly. Because there's beauty in everything and there's beauty in every bit of the acknowledging and embracing of everything and especially the parts long buried and written off as unloveable and unacceptable. Surround yourself with people who see the beauty in you, who like and love you because of who you are, not in spite of who you are. You need those validations right now! It may be a road back, but you're on your way simply by what you're already able to see with your head here, Shelly. The heart will follow. You're everything you need first, not him, but you!
I can't believe there are so many women who have the same problem. Men who give nothing to the relationship and run hot and cold. I have been and off with this man for 5yrs. It never gets better and I keep giving him chances but he disappoints me everytime. One minute he is crazy about me then he disappears for weeks or months. Claims he is afraid of getting hurt and I am the only one hurting. I told him I wanted someone he couldn't be and I was not going to be that person he called when he was bored and lonely. I wanted a real meaningful relationship and I would find it with someone else. Then out of the blue after a month he tries to reach me on a Saturday night leaving several messages and voice mails. I text him back stating I was on a date and asked why he was doing this.......No response lol Crickets again. When he is upset and doesn't get his way, he shuts down and saids nothing. I can't deal with his childish behavior anymore.
AM
Oh ma dearest Jane,
I really thank you for this inspirational advice; as if you knew what was going on in ma life. This is exactly what I am going through. All that you mentioned it what am facing in ma life. It sucks. But for sure , all the red signals are clearly seen but I'm finding it difficult to move on coz he keeps calling on ma phone one in a blue moon and keeps sending messages one in a while. I tried to block him from contacting me but he keeps unblocking me i don't know how. Surely I am finding it hard to move on. As a matter of fact i only date one person at a time; so when things don't work out its really hurting and it takes me a longevity to heal and move on. My dearest Jane, any quick technics for me i can use to forget and find a new life. We appreciate you big always and be blessed.
All the focus you're placing on him, place on you, Anne. The fastest way to get over anyone is not to worry about getting over him, but instead to get busy creating the life you were looking for through him.Find out how he unblocks you and block that route because you can't completely ever get over someone when they can always find a way under your skin! I'm so glad you're seeing what you don't have in him- be so proud of yourself for that! Now go out and live your life the way you deserve to live. Find the little girl inside you who knows exactly who she is and what she deserves: she's been waiting for you to let her show you the way. This isn't about him, it's bringing into the light the beautiful next part of the journey of you!
He's reminding you every time who he still is, AM, and most surely who he will always be. For all the hurt he feels, for all the security and assurance he seems to need, if he can't see that you're the same side of that same coin, he's incapable of seeing. To risk being loved means to risk being hurt, and you can't have one without the other. You're the strong one who sees, who feels, who risks, not him. Look for your equal; it's not ever been him. It's only because we've never been shown who to love and who to run in the opposite direction of, that so many of us confuse the two and never find out until it's too late. Your beautiful heart deserves so much more than this and your power will be found when you see why it is you still feel he's worth responding to. As sad as it is, you can't save someone who utterly refuses to be saved.
For SO long, all I did was analyze, overthink, dissect and go crazy over what I said, what I did, what I didn’t do, etc. I can go on!!!
But ever since I adopted the attitude that Jane encourages- I am a different person. That attitude is- if he’s the right man for me, nothing will matter! I won’t scare him away, I won’t say too much, I won’t question his love...everything! Thinking this way just brings so much peace to my life. When he’s the right one- he’ll be the right one!
And in the mean time- I need to stop wasting time with someone who was described in this article: someone that thrives on not committing, thrives on being elusive and keeping me guessing. I don’t feel he means to, but it really is CRUEL to be this way with someone. I constantly go back and forth from hating him to loving him Bc of this!
Exactly, Cathy, and you absolutely do because this pattern continues for only as long as you allow it to! (But I know you already know that!)
What a perfect time for your most recent post. I have been dating, if that’s the word for it, an elusive guy. For nine weeks, we got along great. We spoke on the phone. We went hiking together. We went on really fun dates . I was becoming emotionally connected to this guy. It did not hurt that he was attractive, intelligent, pretty good dad, and adventuresome,. Lastly, if I did not reach out to him for 18 to 24 hours, he would reach out to me.
In the last nine weeks, I asked him out on two separate dates. I asked him out 5 to 6 days in advance of these dates.
At the time, he said, “yeah sure. Probably. , He “flaked “ on the first of these. I asked again about 4 weeks later as we had spent quite a bit of happy time together. Again, the same tepid response. The day was approaching for this second “me initiated” date request. Thus, I suggested an approximate time and place. His response was that he had an abs class and gave no alternative meeting time. We texted several times the next day as he didn’t answer my phone call (I prefer speaking to texting). We joked back and forth but he didn’t suggest that we meet.
This hot/cold is not something I can live with. As much potential as there may have been, investing my good energy in this “potential” was keeping me from being fully available for someone who doesn’t metaphorically blow hot and cold.
Consequently, I wrote him a genuinely happy text complimenting him, telling him I enjoyed our time, wishing him well but I want to be with someone who is excited about being with me.
I am open to your input but the truth is that I have not heard from him since.
Thoughts? Advice? I am not sad. I am just feeling a wee bit disappointed but not so much so that I would reach out to him again.
(Apologies for the typographical errors.
Do not reach out to this man. Thank God you only spent 9 weeks getting to know this person so hopefully, you are able to get him completely out of your system. Protect your heart moving forward. If a man isn't excited to factor you into his life then please do not try to force it. A man should prefer you above everything else (other than God). Do not invest your time or emotions into any other man. If this guy reaches out to you let him know that you are not interested. Do not give him another chance. He is not "the One" for you. It's best to accept it early and totally move on before you get your love and emotions too caught up in a TimeWastingShip
He saw your line in the sand, De Elle. When you determined the hot/cold pattern was not something you could live with, your clarity came through loud and clear and he knew he couldn't be one without the other. Of course it's disappointing, but you saw the real him and you learned more about you! Be so glad he didn't keep you hanging on; his silence speaks volumes!
Every woman is a gift to be cherished and loved and so be strong.
Let him go and be your beautiful self and you will find love again.
Don't waste years of trying to make things work because eventually you will find yourself single anyway .
Be who you are and learn and realize you are loved deeply.
Even tho a man goes away God loves you and is always there for you .
I'm my goodness Jane!
If I have to spend one more minute loving the man I love and trying to get him to open up as well and deeply connect with me I will go crazy for sure
The man who is elusive and gives you hope now and then that he might commit will keep you hanging on for years !
I know I have been there . I loved deeply once for almost 20 years
The man I loved was a pilot .
Even tho I knew we would not be together I still had hope and the funny thing is so did he !
But I saw him finally after 9 years of being separated by him traveling the world and after crying all my tears out and millions of emails
We realize we are no longer deeply in love !
Yes it does go away ..that feeling you can't live without him goes away but letting go is no easy task.
I have to say to my beautiful ones out there that I have grown up alot
But now am 55 and single .
If a man does not choose to be with you or you will not be able to go with him where he is going then find lots of support for yourself and don't waste your energy time or thoughts on this man .
In time you will regain your peace of mind and realize that you are a gift.
Stay to a path that will give your heart joy and let him go.
I know it is best to let go as quickly as possible because 20 years of hoping to be with someone will keep you from living the life fully that you need to live and will keep you tied to someone who is draining you.
Wow a healthy relationship is way better and will make you so happy !
You are loved and so I encourage all you beautiful women to let go if this guy and let your feelings fade now! So you won't have to go through what I went through for 20 years.
We are friends now but he has decided to live in Bulgaria .
I'm not going with him and he doesn't make an effort to build any depth of relationship with me anymore .
He is Gone and i am alone .
Thanks for reading this ..be strong !
Thanks for sharing, Kelli. Effort is never, ever overrated!