This week, our gorgeous friend, Elise, is second guessing herself and wondering if she did the right thing.
Here's her letter:
Dear Jane,
I broke up from my boyfriend 6 days a go. We met a year ago and started to like each other very quickly. I am 26 and he 27.
Upon discussing values and life goals we realized some key differences, I am religious and eventually I want to settle down with children. I was resolute about not wanting to go further unless we were clear we wanted the same things.
He said he couldn't say if he wanted those things for his life and we decided to stop seeing each other. But 2 months later he got back in touch with me and after mentioning how he had visited friends during holidays and the children had loved him we entered a relationship.
We were together for 9 months in total, at 6 months he invited me on holiday to meet his family who live abroad. We stayed with them for a week and everything went perfectly. At our 1 year of meeting, he was talking about when he's married and when he has children etc.
I asked at what age do you see this?
He said in about 3 years and I said OK.
We had a very comfortable and affectionate relationship. He called me every evening even when out with friends.
Then out of the blue we were out having drinks 2 weeks after the conversation and he told me he'd recently had a talk with a friend who'd returned to town and upon reflection he realized that he really didn't see children as a part of his plan.
He left and 3 days later we exchanged our possessions with minimum drama from me. I deleted him his number and our connections on social media.
I'm really hurt because I tried to avoid this situation :(.
I love him very much and don't understand what happened. Please help me realize I did everything right and was open from the beginning. And how to avoid this situation in the future đ
- Elise
My Response:
Dear Elise,
How my heart goes out to you! You did everything you knew to do to avoid exactly the situation you found yourself in. Of course that hurts. Now it's not just about two people on two different pages, but it's also about you second guessing yourself, wondering what you missed, how you could have avoided a second heartbreak. It adds insult to injury and leaves you reeling. He came back proclaiming his love for you, telling how much he missed you, and even went so far as saying he even wanted kids. It was the perfect scenario and everything you dreamed of. You even went on vacation with him and met his family. No, before you second guess yourself too much, know that we would have all been right there with you, having such a similar response as you!
If only he hadnât come back! Right?
But here's what I want you to remember so you can give yourself some closure here. Sometimes no matter how much we watch someoneâs behavior and listen (and believe!) what they say, sometimes they show up with things that still surprise us and catch us off guard.
So yes, you had a big red flag in the beginning the first time around when he said he didnât want kids and you unequivocally told him you did. So you recognized irreconcilable differences when you saw them and ended the relationship.
Done.
Except for the part where he came back wanting kids.
Here's the thing, Elise. Confusion happens.
And it happens a lot to men in their twenties. It still happens in their thirties and forties, but especially in their twenties when theyâre balancing what the world expects from them, what their parents expect from them, and what theyâre all about themselves.
We do a whole lot of growing up and changing in our twenties from both a biological and psychological perspective!
One way to look at this is to dismiss entirely anyone who says very clearly early on that they donât want kids â and you do. After all, if someone feels that strongly about not having them, chances are theyâre not going to do an about-face without something significant going on for them.
And that âsomething significantâ is so subjective, it really depends on who someone is, where theyâre at in terms of personal growth and how open they are to something specific like this â with this being having kids.
Most of the things we feel strongly about come from a pretty deeply buried subconscious place, so he may not even be aware of why he feels the way he does, only that he does.
Thatâs why talking or reasoning about something like this can be such a mute point because you never get to the underlying motivation behind the surface â the subconscious part that makes the decision for him that he canât â or wonât â address.
What you can do going forward, beginning right now, is to stop looking back at what happened.
Youâre a beautiful woman, Elise. Youâve got so much to offer, so much to give someone whoâs truly  (and I do mean truly) â worthy of you. You can look back and say I shouldnât have done this or I should have done that, but at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is whatâs going on right now.
Be so proud of yourself for recognizing you were both on two different pages, for not staying in and trying to change him, but looking with the eyes of reality at what you have, not through the fantasy at what you could try to change or try hope to make happen.
It's going to hurt. I wish I could take all the hurt away, but there's something so healing and deep that happens to us that can only happen when we go through it. So I've learned that there's something on the other side that taking all the hurt away would take something of that away, too. You love, you feel, you give and you can't do any of those things without also feeling that hurt when it doesn't go the way we expected it to. But without that loving, giving, feeling part that you put into this, you'd never have a chance of it working, of finding out if someone is on your page and worthy of you. Don't lose sight of that part. That's what's coming. Somehow, somewhere, I promise you, when you look back one day, even this is going to all make sense to you!
Love,
Jane
What do you think about Elise's situation? Did she do the right thing? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
One more thing I just remembered, I worked with a relationship coach whose advice was "anything other than a yes is a no". Meaning if they don't say "yes I want children" then they don't. Sometimes when people say they don't know or they aren't sure, it's because they are afraid of the consequences of saying no.
Wow, that is good advice! And we woman are too good at taking the "anything other than a Yes" answer and rationalizing it this way or that way and making excuses or somehow fantasizing happy endings from it.
Yes means yes. And although it isn't a guarantee, it does mean you at least starting with much better odds than a no, I don't know, haven't thought about, I think so, maybe, probably, we'll see, one never knows, doesn't everyone? , it is too soon to discuss, it early days yet, or a some day....
WRONG! This is obviously a site for women. Nobody asked to men his side of the story. You automatically give your sympathy to her. You make excuses for the man, especially when in his twenties that doesn't know what he wants or when he wants it. That's why it's recommended that people don't get married until their early thirties. When they've had a chance to grow up and figure out what it is they want from life. Anything less than yes is a no? Wrong. Anything less than Yes means I can't answer that right now. I am 59 years old and have been married. And have four children. It is what I wanted in life. Not everyone wants four children and neither did I. Oops. Things happen. I'd really love to hear his side of the story.
Not wrong for us, Robert, because we will spend months and years and decades of our lives waiting for that less than a yes answer to finally become a yes. I would much rather we be pleasantly surprised when that less than becomes a yes by not waiting around to the detriment of ourselves, than have us quietly losing any more of ourselves every day we choose to wait for someone's potential to become a reality. What that does to our self-esteem is nothing less than a tragedy.
I came across this group looking for an answer to another question and the first thing I noticed is that this group seems to be male bashing in a polite way. Not all men are poop heads.
I don't suppose you would realize that some of us men have been with women that we wanted to marry and have children with but the woman decided she didn't want to have kids. How do you think as a man I felt? See, that's my point. Some of you right as if this is a woman's only issue.
Completely off topic, but I've had a girlfriend off and on for 30 years that I have truly loved all these years and we've tried several times with husbands and wives in between. Her newest kick is that men are narcissists. She doesn't realize that she's the narcissist. She matches 10 out of 10. Relationships are based on two people.
Back on topic, when it comes to having kids you need to consider the fact that sometimes the opposite is true as I suggested. Some women don't want to have kids and we can spend time with that woman and hope that that moment strikes her when her biological clock is ticking away only to find out we're not going to have the happy family we had hoped for. It hurts us guys just as much.
Respect
I would have probably done the exact same thing as you in that situation. I wouldn't beat yourself up. The only thing you could do differently in the future is only date guys who want children, not guys who aren't sure or are wishy washy about it. I would also ask their view on children first before telling them what you want because if you tell them first, they may just tell you what you want to hear. I had a similar situation with a guy I dated briefly, he asked me on the 4th date if I wanted children and I said yes and he said he wasn't sure, he didn't know if he did or not. I stopped dating him because of it and 3 months later, he wanted to start dating again and he made noises about wanting babies further down the line. I dated him for the second time for a couple of months and then broke things off again, I felt he was just telling me what I wanted to hear about kids to get what he wanted in the moment and we were incompatible in several other ways as well. Now I'm with a guy who def wants kids and it makes things a lot easier. You're doing the right thing, just keep at it!
Elise, you so did the right thing and will feel it later. I am impressed by your strength and believe you are one guy closer to the right guy.
I had the reverse of a situation. When I was in my mid-twenties, I knew I didn't want children of my own (and thought I might prefer to adopt later in life bc my heart went out to all those children yearning for a loving home).
I told this to the guy I met at the time and said I don't want to get involved unless you are completely fine with not having children. I really liked him but also was able to be practical at that point.
He said he was and we dated for 4 years, even lived together (something I did twice in my life and regret and so do not recommend, but that is another story).
In the end, we broke up bc he just wasn't ready and started to do immature things to force me to break up with him instead of doing it himself (like standing me up and taking my car to go out overnight without a word or going on a date with an old girlfriend, etc), which made me realize, why fight this? ( Although I was utterly devastated when we broke up and went to therapy to made sure I truly got over him.)
Anyway, years later we connected and he sent me a letter apologizing for his behavior and saying he now married and determined to be faithful. They also had a child on the way.
He also wrote: that when we were together he sometimes thought maybe we should just marry and that would fix things , but he knew that didn't make sense and he also knew I didn't want children... But he did!
I was so shocked and upset. I was over him but couldn't believe that I had subjected myself to 4 years and a very sad breakup and therapy when he had known all along he wanted children.
It made me even more relieved that we had at least broken up when we had.
Now , why did he push aside something I felt very important to address?? Something that meant we were incompatible for marriage from the get go? I was 25 and he was 29, so it wasn't like we were too young and we didn't start to break up until the summer I turned 29.
Why? Bc to him at that time , he wasn't thinking of potential wives or kong term relationships or marriage. He was in the "well, whatever happens mode," though obviously deep down he knew it couldn't happen with us. But he was in the now and not thinking of anything else.
Unfortunately so many guys are like that is they are not ready for a real relationship , if they are not truly looking at someone as a possible wife.
Your guy wasn't. And you will thank yourself later for realizing that in the end.
By the way, my story had a happy ending. When I was older, I met and married a wonderful man. I thank God literally for escaping the bullet of this ex I described here and all of my other ex-boyfriends. And funny, my guy did not want children bc he had married young and had children, now grown and starting their own families. So we were comparable there. đ And i get to be a stepmother and super young grandmother. I am very blessed and very happy and God worked it out just right.
If I had stayed longer with that other guy or married him, my path would have been different.
It sounds like you are on the right path and are not too far from meeting your guy bc you are making wise decisions and taking care of your heart and your dreams.
I know it stinks right now. Definitely take the time to mourn so you can get over him. And then get excited bc you never know when you might meet your guy!
One more thing: you mentioned you are religious. Try to find someone who is just as strong in your faith as you are. Might as well start with that to make things easier later. When you limit your focus that way, you'll be surprised at exactly how many truly available guys are out there.