What is it that keeps us putting up with things we never EVER in a million years imagined we'd be putting up with?
What has us turning a blind eye, not wanting to see the truth that's right there in front of us if we allow ourselves to see? What has us believing words when the actions – the proof – show us the real story?
What keeps us so in denial?
What keeps us constantly coming back for more?
What keeps us always looking at his potential instead of reality?
What keeps us continually going back and back again for more, in the hopes that this time it's going to finally be different?
Every single day my inbox fills up with your heartbreaking letters, detailing exactly how and why you gave like you did, why you overlooked everything you did, why you did everything you thought you're supposed to do when you've met someone who gives you so much of what you believe you're looking for.
You each tell a different story, because after all, it's your own individual story, but there's a thread that weaves through every single one of your stories that takes me right back to the same thread that weaved through mine, too.
He comes on so sensitive and caring and strong. He says so much. Everything you want to hear.
And before long, you sense you're like two sides of the same coin. Both hurt, both wounded. Both only wanting to be loved. Whether he says it out loud or only alludes to it, your affinity with each other is clear.
It's a connection like you've never felt before.
No one's ever understood him. And when he says this, you begin to wonder if anyone's every understood you. He fills in your blanks. He makes everything make sense. When you're with him, it's like the two of you against the world.
It stops mattering that the people in your life never quite "got" you. It seems irrelevant that you never quite fit in where you tried. With him, none of this matters; it only matters that you're with him.
Whatever he says, you go along with. Whatever he tells you about himself, you believe. Regardless of what that little voice inside you cautions you about, you've convinced yourself what matters is that you know what you feel when you're with him.
How could that be wrong?
He steers the conversation around whatever he wants to talk about. He sees you on his schedule. He lets you know in the most subtle ways that he lives his life on his terms. And then when you ask, when you prod for more, he tells you to trust him, to believe him, and feeds you more of everything you want to hear.
So we stop listening to our little inner voice that always knows what this is.
We refuse to believe our well-meaning friends who keep trying to show us the reality of what is. It's a fantasy we've got running, but we won't be convinced that's what it is, so great is this need inside us to fulfill our own fantasy about love.
Love.
That's what this is all about. That's what keeps us putting up with what we put up with. That's what keeps us coming back for more. To be loved.
It's our most primal need. To be loved.
To be loved means we will survive. To be loved means we will be alright. To be loved means everything's going to be OK. To be loved means we can finally set ourselves free.
But what does it mean to be loved?
Go there, Beautiful.
There's something to this definition of what it means to be loved. Find your definition. Find the one you've made your own. It's behind the one you think you have, that we all think we have. It's the deeper one that drives everything we do, everything we put up with.
Everything we're willing to put aside in the name of love.
For me is only one person who love me is Jesus.
After a beautiful start - we have fizzled. I am just going to get through the holidays before I do the break up thing. Personally I am ready to do it now, but with the kids, and the time of year, and the stupid mess I have gotten myself into with this man - who no longer loves me the way he did, I have no voice but to fake it thorough it the holiday. I must confess, it's really hard pretending though, last night I told him I just wanted to be alone and I do. He is lost to me and I will never chase after him or rely on him again. It is the end. My mother would be so very disappointed - thank GOD I can spare her another disappointing decision in my life.
Choose this too, Stephanie. Feel strong - and not voiceless! - in your own power again knowing that you're delaying this for a reason. Take your power from that. Your timing. Your way. For the kids, the holidays, you've got your reasons. Even as you don't want to, find the strength within yourself by recognizing that here again, the choice is yours. You're doing what you know is best. I know this is hard. But remembering that you do have a choice here even if it feels like you don't, will help you get back you.
'the stupid mess I have gotten myself into... My mother would be so very disappointed - thank GOD I can spare her another disappointing decision in my life.'
Stephanie, I know exactly these feelings because I've had them too, the same ones. But please remember that you have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment, and that all of this is about HIM and not you!
Personally, I'll admit that I've struggled with this fact, that the way they treat us is about them and their failings/problems. In my case, my ex suddenly started to make critical comments about me after months of intense romantic affection, comments which really started to eat away at me as we entered the phase of push-pull distancing by him prior to his final 'revelation' that he no longer loved me, the woman he'd adored and wanted to marry just a few weeks before... Even though I KNOW I'm amazing - not only am I beautiful inside and out but I'm also far far more successful and accomplished as a professional adult than he is - those critical comments have affected me at times, and made me feel such humiliation and shame about myself. They've made me feel stupid and 'easy' for having fallen for a fool like him - I know my mother would have seen through him right away!
Still, I try to remember, and hope you can too, that the negative, unloving, absolutely unkind treatment we receive from these men is testament to THEIR problems and inadequacies. None of it is your fault! You deserve to be loved, not treated like this - please believe that!!!
Love for me is a feeling of completion happiness and security. Love is knowing that you matter and are important and apart of something. I often looked outside myself for love and allowed abusive relationships to persist thinking that having the relationship guaranteed love. Knowing that someone is bad for you yet feeling completion while being with them is the worst form of cognitive dissonance. Growing up in a broken home with lots of dysfunction I have always wanted a family of my own to create that feeling of completion that I never had. I chose complicated selfish and hypersexual men. Sex is the only way they could express love. I stayed knowingly projecting what I wanted onto them a feeling of belonging. Happy for the semblance of a family and feeling of completion I would spend almost two decades with two different men with whom I have two children each respectively. Coming to terms with my hunger for completion has brought to my attention the importance of creating that feeling within myself. When we recognize what makes us happy, honor ourselves, and give up our old belief system great things can happen. This is something im sure I will be working on for the rest of my natural life but im so elated that im on my way!!!
Thank you for sharing here, Martine, and adding so much to this conversation. I so hear where you're coming from. Oh the guarantees we can spend our whole lives looking for. And yet, this - "Coming to terms with my hunger for completion has brought to my attention the importance of creating that feeling within myself. When we recognize what makes us happy, honor ourselves, and give up our old belief system great things can happen." - this is nothing short of beautiful. To see this through everything you've been through - and more so because of everything you've been through - is what makes this shift even possible. Be so proud of yourself for feeling the excitement of this shift even through the pain of what was. You're onto something more beautiful than all the guarantees in the world!
Wow - this couldn't be more accurate.
"He steers the conversation around whatever he wants to talk about. He sees you on his schedule. He lets you know in the most subtle ways that he lives his life on his terms. And then when you ask, when you prod for more, he tells you to trust him, to believe him, and feeds you more of everything you want to hear."
Sure hope I can grasp this earlier on, should it ever happen again.
You will, Liz. We get better at this every time.
Love to me means - to love and really care about each other. We would want to share our life together and would become best friends. We would adore each other and every time we would look at each other we would know how much the other one loves us. We would know each other inside out. We would support each other completely and want nothing other than happiness for each other. We would want to be together, nothing would keep us apart.
Why is it when some great guy who is seemingly looking for true love and does and says alll the right things doesn't attract me when the guy I like and find so appealing wants nothing to do with me!! I've been on this merry go round once too many times. I seem to desire that which does not exist for me. How do I make myself embrace the good ones and stay away from the emotionally unavailable ones?! I'm no spring chicken-at least I can identify my pattern but I still seem to battle this way too much!
I think to be loved is to be set free, to be who i am and who i was meant to be.
To be loved is to be accepted for my imperfections but also to be given a chance to become better without pretending to be someone else.
Love how you put this, Bertha. Thank you for adding to the conversation!
love is so amazing but when we made its. pain. that time love is pain. otherwise love is feelings. its so amazing....
So true, Shifat. But first we have to stop equating love with pain. It may be all we've ever known, but that doesn't make it the only kind of love we deserve.
Although I believe that I have loved many times I can only think of one time "I" was ever truly loved. He was by best friend from age 14. We told each other everything, we had a lot of the same interests and if I had any that were different than his, he cared about those too, as much as I did. He made me laugh, let me cry. He listened I mean really listened to my every hope, wish and desire and tried to make everyone come true, to the best of his ability. He accepted all my flaws but never labeled them as such. He prayed for me, with me and my whole circle of family and friends. Most of all he looked at me every time he saw me as if I was the most beautiful creature in the world. He was faithful, committed and would give me the shirt off his back. True love that I lost:(.
I hear you, Crystal. What a beautiful description of love. To try to put a love like this into context so that we can move on, is never easy. He won't be the only one. Love could never be so cruel.
To be truly loved means someone accepts you for who you are. Knows your worth and values you above all others. Wants nothing but the best for you and is willing to go the extra mile. Thinks of you before they think of themselves and would never dream of going thru life without you.
Beautifully said, Anne. Thank you for sharing!
How I think I define love: That tingly feeling you get when you are appreciated by someone special, at first you were the go to, the confidant, this made you feel appreciated, that you mattered, were important in his life. Wanting to be the other part of a whole.
Beautiful, Cindy. Thank you!
I know for a fact that the ultimate of love we receive is from our God/Spirituality that we tend to take for granted. Then there is love of our parents, children and family that I hold dear. It's the physical and emotional love that comes from sharing with another that's missing for me. I know that I'm never alone but loneliness is there most of the times. My circle is very small so I don't have a lot of meaningful interactions with people. So, the love that I seek and can return from a man is missing but should it even be wanted when it can bring such misery and pain. The human need for companionship has been my downfall and I can honestly admit that men have always been a weakness for me. How do I overcome this want? this need? Is it possible to let it go completely? Or is it in our nature to want and desire this? Please help me with this one.
It's in our nature, Annette. It's what it means to be human. We're not meant to be alone! But when we hinge this need on a single other human being, this is where everything can go awry. Instead, we need to find the other human beings who share our hearts and souls in so many other ways, not just the one we think it has to be. Ironically, the more we accept our "weaknesses", the more we accept even our neediness in these areas, the more we free ourselves to find the ones who will love us the way we long to be loved, the more we will find acceptance for everything we are, and the more we open the doors for love to find us in whatever shape or form it arrives us. It's how he finds you! Not by fighting who we are, but loving every part of ourselves; especially the parts we deem so unlovable!