You say you're done.
You say you're ready to find the love you've been searching for your whole life.
But do you really mean it?
It's time to start living like you mean what you say. No more excuses, no more putting your love life on hold while the days slip away.
Yes, it's going to require some work on your part. But this is one where you set the pace. How quickly you want this to happen for you is completely up to you.
It's time to start paying attention – really listening - to that self-talk you do every day. Start noticing everything you do and say that isn't the truth about you. Everything that's someone else's version of you, someone else's story that's been put on you.
Make a note of it. Write it down.
And then remove it from your vocabulary.
This isn't you. It's your thoughts that influence your actions. And it's time to change the thinking we do.
We're clearing the slate. Starting fresh.
Today is the first day of you going out and getting what you want.
1. Pick your top "3".
Three top qualities you're looking for in a soul mate, partner, husband, whatever you want. But make sure it's what will matter as much down the road as it does today. Don't hide from what you're looking for. Put it out there.
You say you want love? Then why are you choosing someone who can't give you love? He's got to go.
You say you want marriage? Then choose someone who says on his dating profile "I want marriage". Same goes for kids. "I want kids" Ignore everything else. You want marriage, you want kids, you want someone capable of giving you love. Then stop giving a second look to the ones who you think you can convince of this. It's the ones who know what they want you're looking for.
2. Go Places.
Pick 2-5 places - as many places as you can handle going regularly (at least one every day) - where someone who's perfect for you could be found. Go there. Every day.
3. Smile.
Every single time you catch yourself overthinking, down on yourself, judging yourself, blaming yourself, wondering what someone's thinking about you. Smile. Every time you catch yourself thinking about what others are going to say or think about you. Let them. This is where you smile.
You're going to get used to smiling. A lot. It changes you. Makes you more approachable. Happier. Gives you more confidence. Makes you so much easier to find.
Throw out every single thought that doesn't fit this new version of you. The clean slate, starting fresh version. Anger, cynicism, resentment, playing the victim role, blame, retaliation. Acknowledge them by saying "hi" to them, because yes, you recognize them, but then watch them pass right on by. There's no room for them here anymore.
4. Become the real you.
Every time a thought comes up that says "Who do you think you are?" Or "You've tried this all before". Or "Nothing's going to change". Smile at them. Every single one of them.
All the thoughts. All the naysayers you can picture behind the thoughts. Smile and thank them for reminding you of just how strong you are. Strong enough to see them for who they are … and strong enough to let them walk right on by.
There's no stopping here. You're off in a new direction. This is a new day. A new you. A new time for love. On your terms.
Smile at everyone. At everything. Find a reason to smile if you need one.
Write down everything about this experience. I want to hear what it's like for you. Share it with me in the comments below. Share it with everyone else on this journey.
Change takes time. But you're not changing anything. You're simply living. Walking. Being. Throwing off the old, putting on the new. Right as you go along.
Take notes throughout the day. It's a experiment I'm working on, you can tell them – the ones who can't help but ask. Can't tell you about it, hear yourself say. Because you can't. This one's all yours.
I want you to get used to holding something back. To being mysterious. To not letting on more than they have a right to know. They need to earn the right to know. That's what else this is about.
No more comparing yourself to anyone else.
Not on TV, not on Facebook. Not in real life.
The more you compare, the more you let "them" bring you down to size – to a size that isn't yours but one that's been put on you, and the more you allow yourself to be swallowed up in the comparison of what everyone else seems to have that you don't.
They don't. It's not a contest. You're so beautifully, uniquely you.
I've discovered that the more we look at everyone else, the less we see ourselves and all that we are and have to offer. Limit comparisons. Facebook is the absolute worst. I love Facebook for connections, but those images of perfect, happy people just isn't the whole story. There's so much more behind those images that they never allow you to see.
This is who you've always been!
Keep going. Make these your new daily habits. Your new mindset.
See? This is you without changing anything about yourself except your attitude. It's who you've always been.
Smile.
It's time to wake up and take notice of what you've been all along.
The big push for years has been online dating. What if you're really not interested in online dating? It seems so JC Penny's catalogish sometimes and it's easy to brush someone off because of picture or what they have stated in profiles. I also feel like sometimes there is a lot of work involved emailing or "winking" that leads a lot of times to nothing. I'd rather spend my time out in the world. Most of the people in my life are women because of my work and because of that reason most of my friends are women. At this point if I couldn't find a guy to date, I'd take a good guy friend! Ha! :0)
Then do what appeals to you instead, Jamie. We usually find what we expect to find, so if you have a negative view of online dating, this likely won't be something that works for you. Find what does and do that instead without feeling like you "should" do something that isn't for you! 🙂
Hello Jane. It's been a busy summer. Not dating but thinking about it. Question. I am on the timid side. On several occasions, I have seen a guy in a store I go into every morning. He's a customer too. he's very cute in his own way. I see him looking at me, but I'm not sure if he's married or not. I don't see a ring. I'm not going to approach him. No way! If he was interested, would he not try to say something to me I always remembered, when a man sees something he likes he goes for it. I did in the past made the first move with two different men ( did not pan out-and don't ask me how i DID that) since it's SO HARD for me. So, on that note. I'm not trying that again. So, that leaves me with. Do I just wait for see if he tries to talk to me? I'm hoping I'm right and he's single and is interested. some feedback..thanks..and thanks for being here.
Show him - and everyone! - that beautiful smile of yours, Denise, that says you're approachable and he'll have every reason to say "hello" or something more if that's where he's at. If not, don't take it personally. You only want the ones who are on the same page as you!
Thank you Jane. I will heed your advice. Let's see what happens. It will take alot for me to do that (although, I do smile alot all the since it's part of my nature. It's just when I do see someone I might be interested in, I freeze somewhat. So, I will put it into gear and see where it lands. Youi always stay in the back of my mind with all you dating wisdom.....Wish me luck! Best to you....
You're sweet, Denise. You've got all the luck in the world within you! 🙂 And I've got just the fix for this for you! The next time you find yourself about to freeze up around a guy you might be interested in, remind yourself that you really don't know anything about him yet. Think of it like an interview. You're the one who gets to decide if he even has a chance with you! You're the prize - but only if he proves himself worthy. Switch on this mindset especially when you're attracted to him, and it will change the energy you're sending out from one of "I hope you pick me!" to "I'm the one deciding if I'm going to choose you!" Then feel that difference. That's the real you! 🙂
Hi Jane - You are wonderful. I was just sitting home reading a book. I turned on the computer to find your positive and wonderful feedback. It is resonating what you said. I plan to put into action in the near future. I truly needed to hear that today. God bless you for being there. I will be in touch to see how I do. You are the best. Many many thanks Jane. MANY!
🙂
Hi Jane,
I was looking for words to inspire me, great article.
I just found out my "old" ex and rebound like a year ago has a women. While he wanted to cheat on her with me & he was not happy last year. Last year I was sick of being this rebound lady... I got a conversation with him and he kissed me , wanted to sleep with me. Now then I said "no" because I knew he just got this new women.
I went away.
I dated from december till may with several guys, bit it did not work out. ( no contact with ex since last year, still don't)
So I am now like since summer last year working on myself & more happy. ( doin sport, chill with friends, planning a holiday, want to redo my house, trying to cook more, better relationship with my mum... Anyway good things!)
But I saw this photo of him and her on fb , and I don't know why. I just feel disturbed by it! It even made me cry.
Like 3 days later, I am still thinking bout it.
This article helped. Any tips?
Greetings
Maris
P.s. I know why I did not wanted a relationship, because I did not felt good about it, especially if he was gonna cheat on her with me...
Greetings
Here are some suggestions. Even though you already know what to do.
Tio#1 - Love the life you live
Tip#2- Live the life you love
Tip#3- Give thanks for your life
Let no man put us under!!!!
Thanks Sharri !
Indeed let nobody put or make me feel down, Actually I am doing it myself... if I
do not live and act out of love..
So nice to hear from you, Maris! Know that there is nothing that derails our progress on getting over someone quite like seeing a photo of him and her. It brings it all back, it makes it that much more real than just in our own minds, and gives us more reasons to relive the past, believing that she and they have something that you never could. It plays on our deepest emotions and reinforces every lie we've ever bought into about why there really must be something wrong with us - and why she has something that we never will. Even if we know in our heads it's not true!
Remember what you know, Maris, remember who you are and all that you have to offer someone truly worthy of you. Write it out so you have it right there in front of you when you forget. Make a list of all your beautiful qualities, of all the things you've accomplished, of all the ways you bring your gifts to the world. And then write our what you're looking for, and what he could, in reality, offer you. It's telling when you compare the two. What he couldn't offer you will become clear. And most of all, Maris, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, to grieve whatever loss you feel, no matter how much it doesn't make logical sense. You're human. And oh how we can feel! And if you haven't already read this one, I wrote an article about why he'll commit to her but not to you that offers some more help. See? Even here, you could trust yourself; you knew!
Hi Jane,
Haha still remember me?
Yes the tips you gave are awesome and this article!
It just cleared a lot, yes i wrote down my story and what I am "now" and that it is ok !
I mean as stupid as it sounds, yes it was ages ago... But my wound is and was I gues "i have no one, and this a hole does" ..
Which does not come from a space of love, it is not Maris. I have chosen many years ago to live by love, peace and the truth...
Now at 29 I am genuily happy, even being single. I am also fit & healthy. Only sometimes I feel down because i don't have a partner. And I really would want love in my life, and build a family and home with "him".
my heart is open , living in jelousy or fear will not lead me towards happy & healthy life.
"You can never be happy for long pretending that you can live with who he is and what he wants if you don't want that life for yourself."
Exactly!
Bless you Jane! Wish you well & peace!
Greetings!
Of course I do, Maris 🙂 So glad this resonated with you. Remember that nothing is "stupid". It's the human part - you feel, you love, you care, you cry because you're so beautifully human! And thank you. I wish the same for you.
Hello Jane - As always, like in the past, you have helped me through some rough times regarding relationships. And as always, you came through loud and clear with "Don't Give Up." I thank you so very much. Your words are once again resonating in my mind. You are god send. Thank you...thank you. for taking the time and answering. I will keep you posted.
🙂
Hello Jane. This article really open my eyes. It's been quite awhile since I have written. I have not dated in quite sometime. I don't really like bars, so I kind of leave that out of my realm of thinking to meet someone. Look, do you believe you could be on a line in a food store, or running to Home Depot, or going on a walk around a lake, and maybe that person will show up. Do I have to go to a dance to meet mr. right. I just don't know. I have put myself out there. Just have not met a soul as of recent. Wait! There are a few who approached me, but lord, I'm not interested. I was at a beach and the guy was drinking, and I was so turned off. It's not what I'm looking for. And another, who I was TOTALLY not interested for various reasons. Should I just give up! I do get out and like healthy things to do. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me.
You can meet someone anywhere, Denise. But by going to the places that speak to you, that reflect who you are and what you're most interested in, you'll find more like-minded people of all types who are looking for you, too. Don't make this more complicated than it is; if you focus on making friendships, having fun, and finding reasons to laugh everything will flow so much easier. Don't give up! These men you've met don't represent all men or even most men. Remember it's your beautiful feminine energy that's so desirable to a man who's in touch with himself, who knows what he wants. Feel that energy flowing from you. That's all you!
Dear Jane,
Thank you for sharing your wisdom w us! I just read your article about "suffering" w the quote from my favorite ET! I want you believe that when I read the first sentence : " 2 steps forward, 1 step backward,,,," I couldn't believe finally someone else has felt exactly like me! Repeating same pattern, never get anywhere feeling, regrets and,,,, so touching! Thank you for your great advice here in search of love life,,,, like you said I all the time hear negative voice in me ,,, comparing myself w happy ppl in FB,,,,, I am older now, lost all confidence due to many mistakes in all aspects of life, not just love life,,,, yet of course it affects that area as well, I have forgotten to dream, I have forgotten to smile, I moved out of the states and,,,, I just want to know how to get back to LIFE? I read a text from Paulo Coheallo the other day, saying: ,,, and we forget how to dream, forget how to receive love and give,,, And this is how we die at 30 and buried by 80,,,," Jane, I truly feel like I am long gone, just a body ,,,, so much ambitions, so much love to give,,, so much confidence All lost due to many unwise decisions, one after one,,, tried and tried,,, got more into more hardships,,, plssss, help me w your guidance how to feel alive again? My deepest gratitude to you, m.
Dear Jane,
Thank you for sharing your wisdom w us! I just read your article about "suffering" w the quote from my favorite ET! I want you believe that when I read the first sentence : " 2 steps forward, 1 step backward,,,," I couldn't believe finally someone else has felt exactly like me! Repeating same pattern, never get anywhere feeling, regrets and,,,, so touching! Thank you for your great advice here in search of love life,,,, like you said I all the time hear negative voice in me ,,, comparing myself w happy ppl in FB,,,,, I am older now, lost all confidence due to many mistakes in all aspects of life, not just love life,,,, yet of course it affects that area as well, I have forgotten to dream, I have forgotten to smile, I moved out of the states 🙁 and,,,, I just want to know how to get back to LIFE? I read a text from Paulo Coheallo the other day, saying: ,,, and we forget how to dream, forget how to receive love and give,,, And this is how we die at 30 and buried by 80,,,," Jane, I truly feel like I am long gone, just a body 🙁 ,,,, so much ambitions, so much love to give,,, so much confidence All lost due to many unwise decisions, one after one,,, tried and tried,,, got more into more hardships,,, plssss, help me w your guidance how to feel alive again? My deepest gratitude to you, m.
Dear jane,thank you.....
Thank you, Lucinda. I'm so glad you're here. 🙂
Thanks Jane. I didn't want to be alone, and I suppose I held unto the past relationship so I wouldn't be lonely. I became someone I wasn't when I was with him, and I knew something was wrong, there were many red flags, I ignored them and again it came to be wanted and not being alone. I moving forward now as he is not what I thought he was and he didn't love me in the way I wanted him too. I just need to be me again, sensitive, kind, true and positive me. Smile. I want to be me again, the real Shelley. I'm starting afresh. I want true love and someone who wants the same in love and I'm doing the choosing. Fresh start thanks Jane
Oh I hear you, Shelley. I'm sure so many of us do. That's what this journey is all about. Living, learning, seeing, growing again and again and again. We have so many fears around being alone. Be you again, the real Shelley. That's exactly who the world - and someone who's truly compatible with you - wants to know!
There are a few of these that I need to work on. One is smiling. I think I smile a lot, but many times I do walk with my head down. I can be pretty shy/introverted with people I don't know. Sometimes I can get really nervous. How can I change this?
Also, I need to find a way to get out of the house more. I don't really enjoy bars, so I need to find places where I can meet more men. I like cafes, movies, concerts, working out at the gym/parks, watching sports, traveling, trying new restaurants, music, theater, art, volunteering and trying new things. Jane, so are you saying I should try to do at least one of these each day, even after work? Where/what are some other places that men hang out/go to?
Be around the people who love and accept you for who you are as much as possible, Jamie. The ones who want the best for you and are genuinely glad you're in their lives. Then when you're around people who you don't know, that feeling of love and acceptance for yourself will be the most familiar one, and you'll have an easier time holding your head up high and being able to offer that smile. Remember that everyone else is nervous, too, they've just figured out how to get around that in a way that works for them.
As going to these different places, it's great you already enjoy doing this, because that will make this feel natural to you, which is what we're going for here. Yes, I would try to go to these places as often as you can, preferably at least once a day, even after work. The point is to find those places that someone who's compatible with you would go to as well - so in essence, the places you want to go and enjoy going to as well! Because if someone is on the same page as you and shares some of the same interests/hobbies/and passions as you, it's ones like that who will be found there, too. Don't worry so much about places where men hang out/go to; focus on the places that men who have things in common with you would be going to!
Hey Jane
U Inspire me in so many ways letting me know the real me what i really want not what i need and honestly im graful for all the advise you give me all the time.
I Want to tell u whats happening in my life at the moment and i dont know how will all this work, Ohk here is the story my fathers son he recently came back to my life and i think he want things to be the same as they were before which its difficult to tell weather its true or not so i just wany your advise how do i deall with the whole thing because now i no longer yrust him its difficult for me to put again its not easy we do have a child again but thats not the reason i just want to br happy with someone with the same needs as me thank you Jane for everything.
aw, thank you, Beverly. Your words so inspire me! You deal by taking things slow. You let him build back your trust and show you he's capable of doing just that by consistent actions that back up his words. You let him prove himself worthy of you. And above all, you trust your gut instincts, those knowing, telling feelings you get that are real. Time will always tell - and so will heeding those little red flags along the way that we don't always want to see. 🙂
Good advice Jane, if you change your mindset you will see a change. BAM!! enough said!!!
Exactly, RealDavis! 🙂
thank you Jane for an amazing article, yes you are right these social networks can be so misleading and people can actually make you feel that they have great lives out there whereas its not entirely the truth.
I like how you break down everything on how we should look at ourselves in a positive way, and how to be true about what we want. I recently met a guy about a week ago, He was my driver for that day as I was coming from my evening classes, we exchanged numbers and we communicate everyday, we have shared a lot in the past few days and we both realized that we have a lot in common and he says he likes me, now the issue that I have with myself is the fact that he is 4 years younger than which I don't mind, however the fact that I have 2 kids and he doesn't have any really bothers me, whenever he says something nice to me I always tell myself at the back of my head that he wont like me coz I have so much responsibility, I have no idea on how to get out of this mentality, I haven't told him much about me or the kids as I thought its too soon, but He is showing some interest in me and I`m just scared.
Lolly, do not be scared, let him know what he is getting into. I speaking form experience let him know how you feel and tell him about your responsibilities. Let him make the decision if he wants to be apart of that. If you get it out on the front end then you do not have to waste time or energy if he is not ready for you. Make sure he is being honest with you so you don't have to waste time or energy on him if you are not ready for him. Communication is the key.
thanks for the word of advice Real Davis I`m really going to use it. thanks for the support aswell.
Someone who's truly compatible with you will love that you have 2 kids, Lolly. The ones who are right for us love and accept us just the way we are; that's why there's no fear with the right ones and so much fear when we're with the ones who aren't. Take it slow and you'll find out everything you need to know.
Thank you once more Jane, by the way I did let Him know about my kids last night and He said He doesn't mind really, and so far He has been consistent in terms of communication and Him being there for me, like this morning He dropped me off at work and He also promised to fetch me when I knock off, but like you have said I will take things slow and let everything progress on it`s own without putting too much pressure on it.
Exactly, Lolly!
P.S. I forgot to mention my latest obsession. I have been experimenting with essential oils. Learning about their benefits & chemical compounds. This week is lemongrass and wild orange week. I always combine a carrier oil such as coconut, olive or almond oil to the essential oil to avoid irritation. The benefits are amazing, helps with mood swings, headaches, muscle cramps and anxiety. My son says I smell like a box of Fruit Loops Cereal. Ha Ha!! I LOVE IT
Love it, Sharri! I have been hearing some amazing things about the healing properties of essential oils - besides their smelling like Fruit Loops. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
Hello Jane, first of all I want to thank you for your help, your patience, your giving, your sharing.
What changed my life and made me be the real me was getting rid of a relationship where I was not aloud to grow, to be happy, I was numbed and never leading my life.
In consequence I am healthy, glowing in confidence and smiling all the time, I smile all the time and sometimes I know I am judged as if I wouldn't care about things, and it's exactly the opposite, it's that I smile cause now I see the important things in life ( I always had ) but I was just in a bubble life full of stupid things and emptiness, and I know better, I know the value of friendship, the value of words, the value of sincerity and the value of real love.
So I smile cause I know that, every minute, I am closer to what I want, my real love, my partner, my joy.
Thank you for your smart and encouraging words, they mean so much to me having left behind years of affliction and an unhealthy relationship.
Veronica
Beautifully said, Veronica. Thanks so much for sharing! For anything I've contributed to your journey, I'm grateful and honored to have you here. 🙂
Greetings
Love Love Love this new adventure of ours Jane. You go SiStar. Whenever confusion starts in my head, I dash it away like a taxi. I say not today, I deserve peace of mind and roarr as loud as I can like a hungry Lioness. I sound so crazy, but I feel so in control and giddy.
Taking a chance to change is so courageous and good for the soul.
Roarrr Jane Roarrr
Not crazy - powerful, Sharri!! And so SO good for the heart and soul! 🙂
i think that, believing that the perfect partner is out there and when they cross your path you will know, is the answer. I am a true believer in the "universe has got your back" and if you are in the present moment you will be there when he appears. I have spent so much of my life dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, that i would not have known he was right in front of me if he was. Now i am just loving life and loving being in the knowing that I am right where i am meant to be and the future will be wonderful.
So true, Dottie. Thank you for sharing. Know that it absolutely will be!
Thank you, Jane. I'm going to try those out although I've been doing so for a little while now and I feel somehow better. I still have lots to go in terms of confidence but I guess it's alright. At least I now know quite clearly what I do not want and I can see it from a mile away now.
It comes slowly, Angel, rarely all at once. Think of how long it took you to get here; to unlearn from that place takes more than overnight. "At least I now know quite clearly what I do not want and I can see it from a mile away now." - Yay!
Hello Jane
I'm Joana Like others I'm facing a difficult problems and I thought I found my partner in life but it's not , we just separate yesterday. It's very painful for me because I love him so much but him he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't want in relationships to me anymore.
I'm thankful because I found your page and it's really makes me realize how important to love my self . I love reading your page and people whose sharing their lives.
Welcome, Joana. I'm so glad you found your way to this little part of the internet! Thank you for your beautiful words. You are never alone here, and what you are going through is understood more than you know. My heart goes out to you as you go through this. When you love and value yourself, you will never allow yourself to settle for a relationship where this is no love but your own.
Thank you so much Jane
I'm fixing my self now and trying to be strong even it's very hard for me that all the plan for my future with my husband will never happen. It's hard to start my new life alone without him but I will fight for this sadness for my self
Like what you said on your post
"everything happens for a reason. Maybe you don't see the reason right now,
But when it's finally revealed...it will blow you away.
Thank you so much Jane for the inspiration. My sense of humour i enjoy laughing and joking around. I think that is what attract men to me though but always the wrong ones so I am going to work very hard at attracting the right kind of man someone that will love me forever and not waste my time. I am a lovely person there is someone that admires me and i believe that is the right guy for me yet he is so shy. I am hoping that someday our parths will cross and he will really own up to what he is saying about me. He is a true gentleman yet I only see him once in a while .
Exactly, Cordelia! Don't lose sight of that picture of you - especially of this side of you that is all you! You are a lovely person and you deserve to be loved by someone who is capable of having the kind of love you can offer in his life. So glad this inspired you! 🙂