One of our loving, caring readers had been living with her boyfriend for several years when he suddenly disappeared on her.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane.
Where to start....
My ex boyfriend & I were together 3 years we live about an hour apart from each other & so he moved in with me after about 6 months that's when I started to see his real personality & things changed, yet still I loved him with every being in my body every part of me would do absolutely anything to stand by him right or wrong & just wanted to be with him.
I've since found out he has narcissistic personality disorder & so most of my love & emotions & feelings might of been or still be cause I have been brainwashed & sucked in to his web of lies.
So on valentines day this year (2014) he left & said he was going to pick something up from a friend near where his parents lived about an hour away & he would be back home that afternoon/evening and we would spend it together and make it special. It's the 18th of July & I've not seen spoken to him or heard from him, he has changed his number & I have since noticed that he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned.
I have been going insanely crazy distraught devastated and just constantly crying... how can he say he loves me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me.
I spent the first 3 days crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered her phone & said he was home but away from the house & he is busy she will get him to call me... Needless to say HE HASN'T!
Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had linked his new gmail address to my iPad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they weren't sitting on my iPad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was spam till my eye caught one of them saying hello new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex.
I checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the description was him & the birth date was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me! He has convinced all his family & friends I am the crazy one who has lost the plot, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasn't for hurting my mum & dad I would be not be here right now...
I've invested 3 years in & loved & trusted & cared I put up with domestic violence and abuse and defended him in court & all all so he can do all this to me, yet even with all the hurt I still just miss him like crazy and want him back or some kind of contact, I don't feel I can move on at all I'm just in bed when not at work I don't go out I don't talk to any one I don't socialize I'm just so broken I can't even pick myself up to start again... I'm depressed I don't leave the house I hate myself I don't want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.
I am lost with what to do next please help I love reading all the other readers emails I just don't think I can cope
Thank you,
- Lost Jennifer
My response:
You’re none of those words you’re using to describe yourself, Jennifer. You've just fallen into the trap that all too many of us fall into. You've forgotten who you are, what you have to offer, and you’re left in this place where this person has become everything to you and you've become nothing.
It’s a familiar place to so many of us.
None of this is about you. The words he says that contradict his actions show you who he really is and just what he isn't capable of giving you. The hardest part of an ending like this is that what you feel more than anything is the investment of your beautiful heart and soul. You’re left with such longing for the rest of the story. The one you believed in, the one you told yourself that you could eventually get to with him, as long as you hung on and held out the way you did.
It’s a beautiful thing this loving, giving, caring, soul of yours, Jennifer. But it’s not meant to be given to someone who gives you so little in return.
He can’t give you what you long for because he isn't capable of this. And no matter how much you want to believe in the fantasy of what could be if only he could see this the way you do, you can’t. You can’t make him change. You can’t make him come around and see what he’s missing in you.
You can’t make him want you.
You can't make him love you.
You can’t make him be with you.
And while you can’t see this for yourself right now while you’re still in the pain of what you’re going through, the truth is that you don’t really want him to.
You’re worth so much more than someone who you have to do this much work for, who isn't doing this much work for you. You’re worth so much more than someone who can treat you like this, who can disappear, who can leave you wondering if he’s dead or alive, who isn't capable of feeling anything but what he feels himself. This is all about him. It’s what he wants it to be.
And it was the only way for you to see what you really had, and what you didn't really have.
I know we fight it, we resist the greatest lessons we’re meant to learn. But you couldn't do this anymore. Living like this with someone like this. This giving of yourself to someone like this. This sacrificing your true self to tell yourself a convincing enough story to remain with someone like this. We can only do it for so long before something happens to wake us up to the reality of what’s really going on.
It’s your turn, Jennifer. There’s a reason you found him and he found you. There’s a reason you saw only what you wanted to see in him. There’s a reason he’s had such a hold on you. And that reason is what you’re being given a chance to take a glimpse into.
Who does he represent to you? Why him?
Because when we love someone like this, when we give so much of ourselves to someone like this to the detriment of ourselves, it’s never about real love, but always about something we’re trying to prove or show or find in someone else because we can’t find it in ourselves.
What is that? What does he do for you?
You start right now where you are. You take a tiny step forward. You venture just a little bit out of your comfort zone. You take a look at that beautiful woman in the mirror who has no idea of her worth, who has no idea of who she is, of what she brings to the table, of how much she deserves to be loved by someone capable of loving her for exactly who she is.
You can’t see her yet, but she’s there. She’s been waiting for you for such a long time. To notice her, to wrap your arms around her and whisper to her that everything’s going to be OK.
Because it is.
It’s her chance to be who she’s never been. It’s her chance to see what she’s never been able to see. It’s her chance to love and be loved in a way she’s never known love.
Feel everything you’re feeling. Accept your feelings. Let them come as they arrive and then let them go. When you fight them, you miss the healing that’s found in accepting where you are and what you’re feeling. You miss the chance to see that you’re so much more than these feelings alone. That you have a say. And that you don’t have to take on anyone else’s baggage anymore.
That’s what happens to us when we’re so down on ourselves like this. When you become your own harshest critic and dole out the most judgmental words that anyone else ever could. It’s because you’re taking on what isn't yours.
You’re free, Jennifer. Underneath the weight of all of these past 3 years and however many more years before then that you've been taking on the weight of all these men who couldn't give you what you needed and placed all the blame on you, there’s a beautiful soul crying out to be free. To have her life back.
Start there. Start by slowly creating the life for yourself that you never knew. Who are you? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to be? What stirs your soul? What are you passionate about? Go there. Surround yourself with the ones who love you and adore you and support you through this. Write what’s on your heart, write it all out with pen and paper so you can feel your words come to life. What do you want to say? What are you no longer going to be silent about?
It’s why we can’t keep doing this. It’s why it ends when we can’t see what it’s doing to us anymore. It’s why we’re given a second chance on our lives like this.
Don’t fight it. Feel it. You’re so much stronger that you realize and you will get through this too.
Love,
Jane
Hi, I just wanted to say this happened fo me, the day after Valentine's Day.
We been together for about 4-5 years and lived together. That last year we had moved to a place he, but not me, wanted to live. It also was too expensive for me to afford on my own. Fast forward 10 months later, we went out for Valentine's night, first date in ages, had a nice time. Went to Church the next morning and he dropped me off afterwards as usual to go do some work for a few-several hours. I never saw him again or heard from him. It been 5-6 years now and I am so so thankful!!
A few days after he left he must have come by while I was at work because a lot of his stuff was gone when I came home. I left a note out after that, no response.
Take the time you need now to heal as if recovering from a trauma, because that is what the relationship has been. Know that your response now to it ... is actually something he cultivated overtime, creating a fear in you of being left or abandoned. This response is not a sign of how much you loved or how long it will take for you to recover. It is a sign of how unhealthy and toxic this eally was for you. Take it easy and expect to feel down and worn out. You've survived a battle actually.
But i promise you, your old wonderful full of life and laughter and hope you WILL come back! And you'll then realize how pushed down you'd become from this. For me, due to other family drama, it took 1-2 years to get back to me. But it happens and it is a wonderful process and so great once you are you again. And then it will be exciting to know you can make choices for yourself and choose someone worthy of you! And you WILL get that chance! It took me 43 and 1/2 years.... But am very happy now! That will be you too! In the meantime, find a counselor, maybe a woman around your age or bit older, who you can imagine being friends with (if first is not a good fit, try someone else, it like picking out a hair dresser or nail person, if you get your nails done, but more important 🙂 ). And talk to her. Also if you like to learn on your own, read about co-dependency. And know deep down that everything is going to be okay! Better than okay, actually.
Thank you for sharing your story here, Been there too. Beautiful advice from someone who's been there. Thank you!
So Whats the saying? While you are pouring your heart out it takes twice as long because you are still using up SO MUCH of your energy on the reasons you miss him...
What about the abuse? The disrespect?
I know firsthand that to live is to give him about as much of your time as he is to thoughts of what you and he really was. There is such deep hearfelt hollow feeling to heartbreak and I dont believe anyone can ever tell you not to feel. I have felt so deeply... But while I did ... He didnt. And its so true... What would you tell your best friend, daughter, if they told you YOUR story as their own. The time grieving your loss... And I say YOUR BECAUSE he doesnt have a loss in his mind. You may miss the heart that feels and and will treat you as you did this misguided soul.
So true, Christina; thank you for sharing your words of support and understanding here. When you've been there, you understand so much more than anyone else can.
Jane,
I want to apologize. I was having a really bad day and i wrote this comment because I poured my whole stress out while saying this. I want to say I'm sorry.
Dear Jane,
Why is getting married and having children so worth it in life? I don't understand what the big deal is when it comes to finding a right guy and then get married. But wait, isn't there a chance of problems in marriages that always leads to divorce? Every married couple keeps getting divorced and feeling lonely all over because they always picture in their little head that their fairytale romance will come to life, but their wrong! Growing up with parents fighting, I really have an open view about marriage: It only causes chaos for both partners. Love is just a fairytale, so why do women have to be so freaking desperate?! When I get older, I'll turn down every man that thinks he'll have a chance with me because they're mistaken! I don't want to get married because it causes chaos and divorce is the only thing that comes out of it. I don't want to have children because I wouldn't want to give them a miserable childhood with me and my future husband fighting and then a divorce because they would grow up in a bad environment. I just want to remain single and not suffer in a battlefield. Love is just a stupid fairytale people made up, only to hide the fact of facing separation, breakups, and divorce.
I personally do not believe in getting married. I do believe two people having a relationship and caring for one
Another untill they can. This could mean, not a whole lifetime, maybe years and maybe months.
Getting married for me is not necessary.
But there are marriages that work out. We all want happiness. Some of us in the world
Need that "married" label...or find it precious.
So I think the problem is the problems between the two that are married. The couple is not ok.
The two should be honest if they are getting married and why?
Love is kind Dez.
Love is even what brought you to Jane site. Look at what you typed in " getting to true love" .The past is no longer here, it is just your mind telling you the
Drama. If you believe it, offcourse you will not see love in nothing.
Offcourse if your married and have all these big expectations, you see they do not come true.
They don't because you or he is living a lie/illusions( made up expectations)
. Then people get into the negative, and blame
There partner or somebody else.
Look at your own self first.
Love is in us humans, animals and nature.
Love is kind.
Bless you.
Jane, I'm going through something very similar. My boyfriend has disappeared on me as well at first all I could do is cry and ask why? However, one good thing came out of his disappearance so far and that is it got m we off of the couch. I'm walking every day and it feels good. I'm starting to take care of me! Hang in there and take the first step towards your healing! You can do it!
Thank you for your inspiring comment, Shawn. I always love it when I hear the words "I'm starting to take care of me!" - Beautiful! 🙂
Dear Jennifer, my heart goes out to you, but remember one thing everything happens for a reason and you are worth a lot more than this man ........my Gran u7sed to say "Whats for you wont pass you" = there is a lovely man out there just waiting to cross your path ......
First of all to be real...relationships are black and white, no grey area. This man sounds like an evil manipulative ugly soul. I would swear in many languages, and yes I know all you wanna be positive people would not encourage violence. But you have to stand up for yourself. I would have kicked his ass out!!! EMotional and a physical abuse and manipulation are all his insecurities.. Love will never bring you down. Love is suppose to uplift and heal your soul, feel supported and safe.
You have lost nothing in this person, Good riddens to that hell.
Oooooh Jennifer my heart goes out to you, this guy is a jerk he doesn't deserve your tears, you are worth more than u can imagine, u need to pick up the pieces, move on and never look back!
Thankyou Jane for the best advices you always on point....this is the only page I turn to when I need my sanity back! Well done!
Hi Jane and hello beautiful Jennifer,
It has taken me a long road to walk down before I could get to where I am today after three experiences of domestic violent situations. I became a meek shadow in the background of my life and those of my former partners, I nearly did't exist. My mum and dad could not understand why I could allow these men to do this to me and why I would keep going back to them or even why I would get myself into a different relationship but same sort of situation. I started going to a domestic violence service, I got loads of support from them. They helped me with a DV order application against my last partner. I learnt alot about these men who prey on women women and destroy the beautiful, fantastic, life of the party we once were.
I needed to get help to rebuild me and to get back to who I am. I am still finding myself with the help of my loving friends and family. You will need give yourself time to heal and like who you are so that you can love who you are.
And how courageous and strong you are, Shannon, to walk down that long road and reach out for that vital help and support along the way! We are never meant to do this alone, to go through what we do without outside help. Be so proud of yourself for being open to see the truth of what was going on, and for refusing to remain a shadow any longer. Thank you for sharing your story and for being an inspiration of what is possible when we're willing to open our eyes and wake up to the reality of what's really going on, and not just the fantasy we want to believe in. Thank you.
Just think
if you coud love the wrong person this much
how much more you can love the right person who will make your heart SING
and put that spring in your step.
- Like -
Beautifully said, Angela. Thank you.
Dear Jennifer
I really do feel your pain and right now you might feel like your world is over.
Trust me it is not, be thankful that this person is out of your life , imagine having spent another ten years with him or having children with him. It only means God is with you and is watching over to kick this person who does not deserve you out of your life so that you can prepare for a better life.
Please get out of the house, go and work out or run as hard as it might be, don't succumb to this, get your hair done, get a new wardrobe a new apartment if you have to, it will help you move on because that space you shared with him will only depress you. I am no expert I tend to hide away too but I have realised I have to get up and go even if all I feel like doing is cry in my bed and feel sorry for myself.
You will make it trust me.
Thank you, Kaeli, for your beautiful words of support and encouragement to Jennifer. When you've been there like this, you understand what you have to do for you, even when you don't feel like it.
Hi Jennifer and my heart goes out to you. Your story is a mirror of mine but in 16 months. It's hard to face that you fell in love with someone that in all reality, does not exist but with that personalily type, that is what happened. In my readings about this disorder, apparently they can mimmick behavior the have witnessed but not capable of maintaining that false front. The problem is just that, it's a false front. When we love, we love hard and when our hearts get broken, we hurt hard, but I promise you, with time and personal soul searching and healing you will realize what a blessing you have been given. The easy way out and a door open for a happier better life ahead. Good luck!!
So true, Sheryl! Thank you for your sharing your personal experience and the insight you're learned here.
Too bad there is no punishment in the legal system for men who lie, use and abuse women for sex, money, place to stay and all other things, then once no longer needed, disappear without saying a word. Even abused wonen helpline are powerless to do anything about it. And Lawyers say it is pretty much completely illegal to do anything to make men behave decently and stay true to their women. While we all gonna be so freaking tolerant, we will hear more, more and more stories like that. Perhapse men cheating on their partners and sleaping with multiple women should be legally cgarged as uf they had several wives. Even if non of the marriages is legally registered. Or course multiple marriages can not be registered. They are illegal!!! So unregistered ones should be punished too.
Honestly, I was just angered by the post. He left you on Valentine's day in the most cowardly manner possible. His behavior is unattractive and I would be turned off. Its not your fault at all. Hes bad news. A liar, cheat, coward, immature, and disrespectful. See him for what he really is. You dont want him to want you because there is absolutely nothing he can do for you.
It says more about you if you still desire as someone so ruthless. Its like someone burning you intentionally but you still trust them with fire around you. Your not taking care or loving yourself. He has done you a favor by leaving. That boy has issues
Thank you for your honesty, Mary. Seeing it through your eyes like this is how others come to see this more clearly for themselves, too.
Thank you - that was so kind and sweet to address the issues Jennifer needs to see and work on for her own beautiful self. Givers sometimes lose themselves - and your advise is terrific and the correct vision. So many of us think it's us and fall under the mind set that the other person or man in our life cares as much as we do, if only we keep being there. Ooops....no one told us of the narcissistic jerks that play nice at first and then blame us or disappear in the middle of the relationship without a word or just say " this isn't working" and leave. Jennifer is not alone in falling under the spell... Be you, Jennifer, you are a beautiful soul.
Beautifully said, Annie. Thank you.
If he left then he is worth doing what it takes to just forget and move into apathy towards him.
So true, Jackie.
JANE your amazing!!!!!
🙂
Go through the emotions. Thats what held me back. Facing the realty and experiecing
The emotions.... And move on. You can not judge him. We choose the partner in our life.
We create a story in our head & expect certain things to come true.
It is a reality check for you now. The story you told yourself was not true.
Thats's what hurts the most.
This sounds very simple, but for me it was verry hard. Still is sometimes!
Love yourself first. Which will be a challange for you, after this break up.
But if you care for yourself & your life, you will choose you !
Good luck!
So true, Maris. Thank you for speaking to this important part of how we heal; through our emotions.
Dear Jennifer
This sounds like my narcissistic ex husband from twenty years ago who left me in just as much emotional pain over 30 years ago. But I got over it when he left and boy was I glad when I fell out of love.
The thing I learned most was to find something creative that you really love doing first and not to put all your focus on a man. This is a huge mistake woman make to make a man the centre of their world.
The right man is one that loves you and enhances your life not one that takes away from you.
Also exercise helps a lot to . Makes you feel a lot better by releasing endorphins.
You will get over this eventually even if you don't believe it. Just get to know someone really well first before getting too involved . There are plenty of good men out there. You just got to get out and find one of them.
Gabriella
Great advice, Gabriella. Thank you.
Gabriella, well said!!
He was a user. I know this type only too well. Everything is on their terms. Utterly selfish. Totally narcissistic. Will say what you want to hear to make you vulnerable. Won't commit, n won't let u go either till he has no USE for u any more. It's all about what HE wants. What u want is never important. You are just a convenience. False statements..lies..false show of care..concern..just to keep u baited. Like a fish on a hook. Iv realised women tend to ignore the initial red flags which come up. Because we can't accept that we r just door mats. It's better to accept the red flags n throw them out of our lives before the moment we dread becomes a reality. I know it feels impossible to do that. Jennifer, u are not alone in this. I totally feel your pain. Fact is, u are too gud, loving, caring n giving for him. Not worth anything..certainly not worth your pain n tears. Why should we cry over some one who doesn't care about us..who was fake..n is enjoying life. What helps me is mentally put him in a garbage bag n dump him in trash. Because that's what these men are..T-R-A-S-H. I don't want trash in my life. And as hard as it is to do it, I know it's best for me. Jennifer, you WILL be happy again. We don't bother about our trash. Be glad that you are rid of it. And we wouldn't want trash back..would we?
Renata
Very true ..
Thank you, Renata. When you've been there, you understand like no one else can.
Jennifer
I know and i feel all the pain,loneliness,and negative feelings inside
Your heart and mind...
August 3 is our anniversary but he left me then he post something on his facebook and im very shock ..this man humilate me and hurt my family and his family hurt not only me also my family but still i keep silent i keep praying and asking what happen to this man...but im so tired to feel this way...
I know you cry a river i know theres a lot of question inside you.i know you feel so down..i know that...if i can i want to hug you and listen to you everytime you need someone to talk..but jennifer acknowledge your feelings ..HELP YOUR SELF. PLEASE..
your the only one who can see the starting line...you know what im still crying i still hurt but you know what
I help my self ..DONT FOCUS ON THE MAN WHO HURT YOU FOCUS ON THE BLESSING...your family and friends still waiting for you to see the beautiful inside you...im here were here....when i read your story i feel the pain again i cry but jennifer
Talk to GOD ......jennifer when you read this i want you to close your eyes and feel your heart and kindly said this "GOD HUG ME"....we love you..GOD loves you...your family and friends loves you...
Thank you, Kristine, for your beautiful, inspiring words to Jennifer. I know you understand what she's going through all too well.
Thank you Jennifer for this story. It touches me because so much of what you tell can apply to me, so I feel I understand and am so sorry for your pain.
I wanted it to work and I gave, gave, gave. Put her on a pedestal, but because she could not be on the same page as me, she resented it. But I tried harder, was doing all I could. She took advantage until it got to a point where she could no longer hide that she did not care, and she ended it...leaving me staggered and in a fog. My friend knows everything and he says I am better off without him.
I have been very hard on myself, looking for answers. It comes back to I gave her my very best. It all messed up my golf game. So I am working on that and trying to think of her less. We can do this. Lets do this!
That should be " better off without her".
Wayne
Very true we can do this....i know exactly what you feel...a feeling of pain because of the person you love
But life never ends because of a person who didnt know how to value a LOVE...its not our problem..its not our loss...
Thank you, Wayne. Your support and understanding of what Jennifer's going through comes through here. I hope it helps to see your own situation through the eyes of another.