Our beautiful friend Sarah left her boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to her. But now she's having trouble letting go. This is something that I hear all too often from our readers. Here's her story.
Her email:
Hi Jane,
I love, love, love your blog and am so grateful that I have found it during this extremely hard time of my life. So my deepest, most sincerest thanks to you.
I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to me. It's been 6 weeks since I moved out and I now live alone in a small rental… a very big adjustment and I miss him and our relationship very much.
I've been doing so much self development and surprisingly most hours of my day I find myself quite peaceful and content knowing that I just had to make this decision for ME because there was no way he was going to make any decision about anything, any time soon!
However, in all my self development and reading your blog the same message is being said over and over again… 'that I'm worthy of someone way more deserving'.
I know that's the truth and I can't wait to meet 'my new man' (hopefully!) in the near future but I also can't help but feel really sad that my ex isn't worthy of my love.
I don't feel angry or bitter towards him because he's suffering with his health and has so much family baggage which led to so much fear about committing to me. And even though he hasn't chase me one little bit since I left him only six weeks ago, I STILL feel sorry for him.
I gave him SO much and still had so much more love to give him.
I've always been the type of person to feel sorry for the underdog, stick up for the child being bullied… my problem is that I always feel sorry for people. So with my ex, I just feel so immensely sad and sorry for him that's he's undeserving of the love I had to offer him, that's he doesn't deserve someone as wholesome and fabulous as me (that's how my friends describe me!!).
I want him to experience unconditional love, I want him to be worthy of being loved the way I have because he hasn't had that. His parents didn't know how to love and they still have NO idea to this day. And because of this, I am still contacting him to make sure he's doing ok.
I guess I still want the link to him and I guess I'm also secretly hoping he turns around and chases me. So how am I supposed to let go of him and our relationship when all I feel is guilt and sadness for him? Thanks Jane!
- Sarah
My response:
Dear Sarah,
I'm so glad you’re finding help and support here, Sarah. This is exactly why I’m here. It’s never easy to let go of someone that you didn’t really want to let go; someone who you wanted so much more from that he wasn’t capable of giving you. In the end, this is exactly how you find out who is on your page and who’s not, who’s looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship with you, and who isn’t.
It’s in the releasing and letting go of someone who you courageously recognized as not being able to give you what you were looking for from him, that you are seeing the reality of where he’s really at.
And the reality is he’s not chasing you.
The first thing to recognize is that this is not really about him, but about you. You see him as the underdog, as the victim of his circumstances, as being in poor health, as having a hard childhood, and these are all the reasons you feel sorry for him that he’s missing out on the unconditional love he could have with you.
But I suspect that’s not the end of the story. Instead, it’s about you feeling that you weren't enough to change him, that you weren't enough to make him see what you could see.
You feel guilt and sadness because as much as you knew he couldn't be who you needed him to be, you wanted to be able to hold on longer in the hope that eventually you would be enough, that he would come to see the life he could have with you. You wanted to be worth the type of work he would have to do within himself to make it happen.
You can’t rescue him from himself, Sarah.
This is where those of us who have such compassionate, empathetic hearts and souls, who feel other’s pain and believe we know best what they need, can take on men like this so that they become a project of our own. To the detriment of ourselves, we try everything; we spend so much of our time and energy trying to show them the way that would make all the difference for them if only they would be open and willing to seeing it for themselves.
If only they would find it in themselves to get there, to have the life they could have with us, they could heal, they could be loved, they could be happy and we couldn't be happier being right there alongside with them.
Start right where you are by separating what is yours and what is his.
It sounds like the boundaries between the two of you have become blurred with you owning so much of his and not leaving with him what can only be his to own for himself.
You can’ t know what’s best for him, you can’t know for sure what he really needs. None of us can. He has to want to change. He has to want those things that commitment and being loved unconditionally in a relationship bring. He has to want that for himself.
It can’t come from you.
Release him, let him have what’s his. Take your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your beautiful unconditional love you held for him ready to give him as a gift. Give those back to you.
Take a closer look at why you still want or need to keep holding onto someone who isn't holding onto you. Does he remind you of someone you've done this with before? Are you looking to him for the love your father or mother wasn't able to give you?
When it doesn't make logical sense, but emotionally it's the only way you can see it, there's always a deeper story running behind the scenes. Find that story. It changes everything when you know what yours is and why you need it to be. If you need some help finding it, I'm always here for you through my one-on-one coaching program if you want to take closer look at what that might be.
There’s still more to your story, Sarah; there’s still all of those dreams and plans and hopes, but they belong to you and one who will share in them with you and want the same for the both of you, not someone who you have to try to make into what you want him to be because you believe it’s what he needs.
The ones who don’t chase us aren't meant to.
The ones who don’t come looking for us aren't the ones we’re meant to be with.
It’s how we tell them apart. The ones who come and the ones who go.
With open eyes to see the reality of why we feel the way we do and why it’s never really about him, we learn the truths that give us our wings and release our souls.
It’s never easy to let go, but it’s how we get to the place we’re meant to be. Where our hearts can soar, and our love can flow, it's when you'll know without question that the one you’re with is exactly where he wants to be too.
That's how you'll know, Sarah. It's what's makes it easier to let go.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any advice about letting go, or have any words of encouragement for our dear friend Sarah? Please share them with us in the comments!
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