You may recall a letter from our beautiful friend, Layla, who reached out for support and advice back in January.
She sent me an email recently with an update on her situation and asked if I would share it with all of you.
Here it is, Layla; for you and all of our lovely readers who are going through something similar ...
Her email:
Hi Jane,
In January I wrote to you for advise on a man who was treating me less than I deserved and got such great feedback from yourself and others.
In 10 days it will mark 2 months since I finally walked away and broke the hold that relationship had over me. It has been tough, it has been sad and everything in me wanted to believe that I was not wrong, that things were going to work out.
I read all the advise that was out there on the internet, I spoke with friends and I tried to figure out what I could do to make this guy understand he was treating me wrong and for the first time I realised.... it is ok for me not to have all the answers, not to understand what went wrong.
I am sharing this with your readers because, somewhere out there, someone is in a verbally abusive relationship and they don't believe they are or, they believe if they just fix themselves it will all come right... I want my story to be used as motivation that it is ok to not know everything and it is ok to walk away, you are not giving up.
For as long as I can remember, I have had such low self esteem and allowed my past mistakes to be the reason I settled in my relationships... only to realise that I was hurting myself even more in the long run. I walked away from a guy who I still believe I loved dearly but, I loved him so dearly that I stopped loving myself and that is NOT ok.
He accused me of cheating, told me I was not attractive in order to justify his porn habit, shouted at me, called me an idiot and I soon started to believe the lies. He smoked weed every day and I found myself getting caught up in that world.
I was the only one who worked, so I was supporting two people and borrowing money from my dad to try and pay my bills. It got out of control and on the 12 May 2014, I finally said ENOUGH! I asked him to leave after a huge fight but, I made sure he knew that we were never going to talk again, no friendship... NOTHING.
Has it been hard, absolutely and anyone who tells a women it is easy is lying.
But, my motivation has been the extreme joy I have found since he left. I am not trying to find another relationship, I am focused on building myself up and doing things that make me happy.
It took a lot to accept that I was being abused and I would not accept it for a long time, believing that we were having normal fights. I cried a lot this last month, I got angry, I cursed and I missed him. BUT, I never went back and I got up and told myself that I can do this, no matter how painful.
I deleted all conversations with him on my phone and 2 weeks ago, I had the courage to remove him and his family off my facebook.
I read an article that said, keeping a man who hurt you as a friend on facebook is giving him the impression that what he did was not bad and that you may still consider being his friend in the future. That was enough for me to say, for myself I am removing him.
Firstly, thank you Jane for playing a part in me finally walking away as your blog encouraged me to be strong. Secondly, I know that it will take time to move into another relationship but when I do, I have learnt so much from this experience and know what I will and won't accept.
I am a Christian and my strength and healing has come from God, who I give all the credit to...my life is not over, it just began!
As the quote says: " Sometimes you just have to turn around, give a small smile, throw the match and burn that bridge"
- Layla
I know so many of us understand what Layla's talking about here. If you have a similar story to share that you've gone through - or are still going through - please share it with us here in the comments.
Yes Sophia...Yes Maris...!!!
It is so great there are other people who have experienced these feelings, these loses and this heartache and have picked themselves up and moved forward!
I have recently started talking with a new guy, who is the opposite of the previous guy and I know he may not be the one but, I am so proud of myself for moving forward. I do find my insecurities are still very much there and I tend to bring them out on this guy (wrongly) but, I am human and I know this is a learning experience!
I caught myself thinking of my ex and wondering what he was doing but, reminded myself that it is ok to have days like that and just continue to move forward!
I am now in the process of finding hobbies and things I can enjoy, as I have a lot of extra time and it is not benefiting me or this new guy when I have nothing to fill my days with!
I am learning, I am trying and I am getting stronger.... that is all that matters right now for me!
Good luck ladies, we are certainly getting there!:)
Hi Layla,
If I didn't know better I would swear we was dating the same person! I didn't get verbal abuse as you stated, but I was with someone that smoke weed every day I finally figure that out the last couple of months of this pathetic relationship. He disregard me, did not tell other women he was in a relationship one being his third baby mama yes that is correct! Another women put love quotes on his Facebook page she was about six or seven years younger then him and he lied and stated it was a classmate. I did not have the courage like you had to walk away he finally disappear on me, but I understand the longing, sadness, and the feelings of missing them and wanting to be with them. I have not contact him and now after almost half a year he as started sending me texts, which gets ignore. It hurt really bad at first, but I have accepted he is not what I want him to be and I have accepted him for who he is. I do not want a pretense of a friendship and his texts will continue to be ignored and blocked. He even had a nerve this week to contact one of our mutual friends fishing around for information about why I have not respond to his texts. The respond he got was she has moved on, which in his little mind he thinks it is with some other man, but I realize it does not matter what he thinks as long as he knows his weak attempts will be met with indifference like he did through out our relationships. Stay strong Layla and God Bless! 🙂
"... but I realize it does not matter what he thinks" - Be so proud of yourself for seeing this, Sophia. It doesn't matter and it has no bearing on your own beautiful life that has nothing to do with him. Ask your friends not to mention him to you, and the only place he'll be is in your own mind if you allow him to be. You control the role he plays by how real you allow him to be. That's how powerful you truly are!
Thanks! Jane,
The other night I had a dream about him, which I have dream about him from time to time and in most of the dreams I am trying to catch him and I never can. I always wake up feeling sad and in so much pain, but this dream was different he had wrote me a letter which was on this big projector screen basically I guess he was saying that he was sorry. It also gave me a gift I decide to talk to him for some reason, but it was to tell him we were not getting back together and he was not the one for me. I had these fantasies that I would not be able to stay away from him and fall back in his is trap, but this dream I let him go. I woke this morning feeling refresh and I was not sad at all. Thanks, Jane for your support and the support of our getting to true love community. 🙂
I'm so glad you're feeling this support from so many here, Sophia, so that even in your dreams you're hearing the gift of what this was, and not what it feels like that keeps you from moving on. These are huge things to be so proud of yourself because it's in your dreams that the truth of where you're at reveals itself to you! You've got this! 🙂
Hi Layla,
I remember your letter very well.
And this one also is very clear, i think a lot of women have experienced it.
In one way or another.
This part from you:
"For as long as I can remember, I have had such low self esteem and allowed my past mistakes to be the reason I settled in my relationships... only to realise that I was hurting myself even more in the long run. I walked away from a guy who I still believe I loved dearly but, I loved him so dearly that I stopped loving myself and that is NOT ok.
"
Yes. I have had made not so healthy discision because of low self esteem.
And another thing.
I have walked away from the idea that I am on a damn mission to find
"HIM". I am done with the idea that dating and dating is my only goal in life.
That when I have him, it will be all well! Illusion...
I can say now. If i date a suitable guy and we click. Yes offcourse it will be
Exciting and new!
Yes, i am 28. And bored with the question: how come your single?
I got my damn reasons why. But I don feel like a victim or a weirdo anymore.
I am burning the bridges one by one. It's like liberating every time one bridge goes down!
I am giving myself primision to look at my flaws. I see now that I have a lot to
Explore in myself. This includes fears that I have and insecurities. But also outside, my hood...not being scared to make new friends. Seeing that park that i never saw. I wanted to leave this country. I am not capable
Financiay. And i want to see if i can feel at home here .
But I am going to try to get my hood and country better, I want to explore!
Not feeling rejected if something doesnt work out!
So in all of this.. I am open of meeting and chatting to men when I
See them in real life. But it's not that easy. So internet dating is ok. But for now
I am busy burning bridges and smiling.. Working out..swimming outside.. Cooking.. Exploring parks and forest..
Oh I am so more open and my heart to! It also feels in a strange way that love
Is around me. And I feel then like if a love comes, i can give him proper attention
And open myself. Because I am less scared of rejection!
So Layla. I guess we all learn and fall. I am happy to hear that you are
Going strong!
Thank u Jane.
And you too Layla!
For reminding us. Power is within and in our hearts!
Bless you!
"And i want to see if i can feel at home here ." How this resonates with me, Maris. Because as much as I understand so much about the desire of going to a new place and beginning again with a change of scenery, a new life and a new home, there is something about learning to be happy wherever you are.
The courage and the resolve and the confidence that comes through here in your words are so beautiful because what you're talking about here - "But for now
I am busy burning bridges and smiling.. Working out..swimming outside.. Cooking.. Exploring parks and forest.." - is the essence of learning to be home within yourself. To be comfortable in your own skin. To love who you are regardless of circumstances of the idea that "I will be happy when" that so many of us hold on so tightly to.
You've taken some small seeds of mine and made them all your own, Maris, exactly the way this life and the inspiration we find along the way is meant to be taken; in a way that resonates with you, with your heart and soul and where you are right now! For once you discover yourself like this, no one can ever take it away from you; it is all your own and it is what it means to find your home wherever you happen to be. Thank you, Maris; I have no doubt you will do exactly as you say, regardless of any bumps along the way.
Dear Jane,
You touched my heart. Bless you! Thank you for being a part of
My journey.
Yes , seeds... I will give it watter and attention of love..
Let's see what it will bring into my life inside and out.
It is scarry, but this time I will not run away because it makes me feel
Scarry or too excited. I am going to let something grow from these seeds..
Ineed it is my own personal discovery, I can not explain the joy in that.
Bless you!
I so understand, Maris. And it's my absolute pleasure to be here for you!
I am so happy to know that I'm not the only one who has done this. It is time that we women really own up to ourselves and actually feel the power of having a say and a choice in our lives. I just told my mother the same thing last night - that it is okay to walk away if you feel that this relationship is degrading you, and that your feelings are in no way invalid. Your feelings are a pH test of some sort. It is there to make you evaluate the situation at hand.
But I am so happy for you Layla. You tell the truth about the experience being an emotional rollercoaster ride at first. All of that is worth it - because you got yourself back. Your happiness is totally worth every effort. And I wish you all the best in the future. Virtual hugs! <3
"Your feelings are a pH test of some sort. It is there to make you evaluate the situation at hand." - So true, Ayn; thank you for this reminder. When we learn to regard our feelings in this way, it's one more thing we can love about ourselves. No matter what anyone else might think or say, there's always a reason we feel the way we do.
honestly when i read this article i don't know why i crying but this article is very true♥
Thank you very much for this Article i really love it.
I hear you, Kristine. There's something deeply moving about this type of courage and strength that comes through.
So happy for you, Layla. I went through a similar thing & you sound very strong and smart 🙂 I will definitely not be surprised to see your next letter to Jane about a new healthy relationship which you will build after your complete recovery.
I agree, Lily!
Well done Layla!!! 🙂
Wow! All of you are helping me to realise that good times will come when we least expect it.
Recently, I walked away much quicker than I used to and it feels GOOD! I'm going to keep on focussing on myself and what's best for me, just a wee day at a time, or I even break it down to an hour at a time if my mind starts telling me I miss him. Miss what?! He was incapable of being there for me and I deserve so much better than that. 🙂
(((HUGE HUGS Jane and all you wonderful ladies)))
Love
Donna xxx
Exactly, Donna. "Miss what?!" So very true! 🙂
Hi Ladies....
Thanks for the words of encouragement and congrats, I am starting to love ME again and it is a journey I am enjoying. I believe in beauty from the ashes and this relationship has allowed me to learn and grow so much!
To Kylie and Halima - YOU are made for more than what you are settling with, YOU are bigger than these boys, YOU were created for destiny, YOU are priceless rare jewels, YOU need to walk away! It will not be easy, you will be sad, you will think it might change BUT, look at my story and the other ladies who have commented... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Do not settle for 2nd best, you deserve 1st place!
I encourage you to follow my pinterest page, there are some great quotes on there about moving on.... http://www.pinterest.com/nicolaoul/thoughts-to-ponder/ (Jane hope that it is ok I am providing a link). For me quotes and music are the best sources of healing....
Let us ladies start standing up, boys need to learn that we want REAL MEN and REAL MEN do not break women, they build them!
Love to all and thank you so much xxx
What a beautiful, inspirational page, Layla, thank you for sharing this with us all! I'm so glad you're feeling the support of our community here. When we all collectively refuse to allow ourselves to be treated in a way that's so much less than we deserve, there will be no one left to accept this type of treatment anymore. That's how we change this, each of us one at a time. Much love to you, too, Layla! I'm so thrilled you've come to see all this for yourself and I'm always here for you if you need any reminders of just how strong and worthy you are along the way! 🙂
Awesome Layla!!! Woohoo!!! Did I say
It was easy??? It's not but each day it's
getting better and you are too!! Your
reward is well worth going thru this,
trust me! I weeded all the bad ones
out and made up my mind I deserve the
best abs there was someone out there
just for me and I gave it to God because
my was was not working. Let me tell
you what he did! He brought and old
friend back to me in February and things
are great!!! But most of all I decided not
to accept anything less. Layla I am a
single mom of 2 and I am 41 years old.
You got this!! This too shall pass and
God will give you the desires of your heart
❤️. Love you all!!! Vanessa
So inspirational, Vanessa. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story!
Hello Layla,
Way to go Layla, I recently had to do the same thing as you. Jane, as well, knows my story and the roughest part of my situation is the guy was someone I considered a friend before we started seeing each other. So I had to deal with not only walking away from our relationship, but losing our friendship as well. The friendship could have been spared, if he hadn't allowed his confusion within himself to end up emotional games for me. In the end I was faced to battle depression, stress and weight loss (that I was too small to afford already).
Like you said it's hard, but it's not impossible. We are no longer friends on FB, but we have over 30 mutual friends so it's hard for me to not see his presence, but with the help of books, positive pages on facebook and other spiritual/inspirational support I don't mind it. I now see the type of person he is and he has deep-rooted childhood issues, self-esteem issues and uses his looks/body to get the approval to make him self feel good. He's a 'FB Selfie-Junkie' so he can get comments and likes from females. So he can have that needy lifestyle.
Stay strong on your new path, get to re-discover yourself and what you enjoy in life and take it day-by-day. This summer has been a 'Me, Myself and I Summer'. I've let go of things I had grown so use to doing and going back to old activities I use to love (weightlifting, skating, bowling, etc.) and I'm going places with myself and spending time with myself and it has been great. I wish you much success and when the past does try to come up, as it will and that's normal, get still, meditate, feel it and then move on to something that brings you happiness.
"This summer has been a 'Me, Myself and I Summer'. I've let go of things I had grown so use to doing and going back to old activities I use to love (weightlifting, skating, bowling, etc.) and I'm going places with myself and spending time with myself and it has been great." - What it's all about, Mariposa; thanks so much for sharing!
Hi Layla,
You should be sooo proud of yourself!!
Walking away is incredibly difficult and painful, and the temptation to go back is so strong because we want to stop the excruciating pain we find ourselves in. I too just recently walked away from a long term relationship, and yes, you're correct to take him off Facebook, it's been my experience that there has to be absolutly NO contact, even through social media or friends because even just knowing what he's up too is enough to trigger backsliding. You want to find a new beautiful path, with new possibilities that have no ties to him.
Layla, I just wanted to add, you deserve so so much better than that guy, as KM shared no girl is ever to be mistreated in anyway, shape or form. And as Jane so often reminds us, we're woman, beautiful, kind, and understanding souls-only men that can appreciate and respect our awesomeness should be in our lives.
Always remember your Awesomeness Layla 🙂
You've got this, Tina! Thanks for your beautiful words of support 🙂
I think that is awesome that she was able to walk away and not look back! I tend to let things linger for so long! I'm still trying to end a non-committed toxic situation that has lasted for 2 years ugh! However, Layla congratulations! I'm glad you mentioned the part about facebook, I also have deleted guys from my facebook. I had some guilt over it but I realize it's also boundary setting. It is sad what dating has become. I'm at the point where I don't think I'll ever find someone who is honest, caring, sincere and committed to me. But it's okay, I'm okay with that. Being alone is better than being with someone who makes you tense and doubt yourself worth. So many unhealthy people out there.. I just have to focus on me.
And that's exactly how you'll find the right ones for you, Kylie!
Dear Layla,
Hats off to you! I am so happy you are out of that abusive relationship and have stayed out for a couple of months now. That must have been the hardest thing to do, to walk away and not look back. I have been there and I know from experience that it is not easy, but with God, all things are possible. I left a very unhealthy relationship last year and have been working on myself, body, mind, spirit ever since and I have to say that I am in such a better place. There IS a silver lining. There IS love and joy and all good things coming to you if you keep the faith and stay strong. You are a beautiful being just the way you are. You are already loved.
Love your words here, Kate, that come from your own heart. Thank you.
layla, and all others who resonate w this situation, please find and read this book: THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP by PATRICIA EVANS. this phenomenon is not about LOUD humans, its about humans who live in a different reality. and that, we as partners can never change. the MOMENT you find yourself confused, spinning, or trying to defend your innocence with a man... STOP! WALK AWAY! dont fall into this trap of abuse trying to sort any of him out. a real man can and will say... " hey whats wrong?" a real grounded man can listen w empathy. i am shocked at what dating has become, and what women tolerate. as a health and wellness prof, i read and forward these helpful emails from jane to my people in need.
two things to say every day in a relationship:
1. I DIDNT BREAK HIM, i cant FIX HIM. ( or her!)
and if you do catch yourself fixing....
2. YOU CANT HELP A MAN WHO ISNT WILLING TO HELP HIMSELF.
so if he admits, sees a light, cares about you or your attachment...
he will become YODA::: DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY. he will make changes on his own.
otherwise.. RUN DONT WALK away. if he realises anything positive, hell find you and let you know hes better , open, healed, grown, ect. this is truth. good for you
ladies who have the inner strength to see so
Exactly, KM; well said! Thank you.
Hi Layla, I applaud you girl and I went through a similar experience believe me its not easy but it gets easier when you have the right people who support you and know your worth.
I have an old lover, who is my friend and confidante and we always chat back and forth.
He seemed very relieved to hear I was done with a relationship that I really threw myself into so quickly.
He sent me messages explaining he might be moving to the city where I am and I did not take notice of his texts as I was in my own world being a bit selfish but when I reread his texts I was ashamed at what he was trying to say and I nearly missed out. He has been a good friend in my life since I was 22 and I am now 48. After both our past relationships I think we at a quiet place where we would take our relationship further.
So I was drained and hurt and disappointed in the previous relationship but I guess it had to end to make way for the better.
Believe me everything turns out for the better, we cannot always understand but revelations come about when we least expect it.
Go well Layla, strength and blessing on you.
Hi friends, my name is halima. I recently met a guy I like very much and who I thought liked me too. We've met a few, times, he would come over to my house and we talk for hours. He held my hands and even kissed me on the cheeks, though he wanted to kiss me on the lips but I didn't let him. He said he liked me, he finds me attractive, intriguing etc, but then he started loosing interest. He stopped calling, doesn't reply my texts, or replies with a one word text. He's always busy, has no time for me. He would go onlin, read my messages but won't bother to reply me. So I asked him what the problem was, and all he could say was that he's been very busy and he has some priorities on top of his mind, but he likes me. He said I should keep an open mind, he doesn't want to commit or forclose in a relationship cos if its meant to be it'll be. I am deeply hurt because I've fallen for him. I don't know what to make of his words. Is he asking me to wait till when he's ready to commit or what? And how is the relationship supposed to progress when we no longer meet or even talk? I need help fast
Layla,
Congratulations on your freedom and the rest of your life! Applaud yourself many times over and never underestimate the strength inside you - to both stay as you did and deal with the abuse and then to find a safe way out. I tried several times to leave, but mine always came back with his manipulating ways. Your story is like reading my own, from the porn, the weed, the weight gain, and being called names and being "made" to work out because I was fat, and I was the breadwinner and for several years the sole provider. I did everything for this man-child, including putting him through paramedic school (yes, the people that "save lives" also destroy them). After more than 13 years, most of them abusive (emotionally, financially, sexually, physically), I have my freedom. I tried to leave three times. Third time was a charm and required a restraining order because some abusers are manipulative and will weasel their way back in. He was arrested for domestic violence two years ago - this was the second time the police were called, as the first time the laws didn't require police to do anything if there were marks and the victim didn't want to press charges. I'm still waiting for his court date - felony domestic violence charges are three years' statute of limitations. I have seen him twice since the arrest date: once at the restraining order hearing, and once on the street. It's a beautiful life!! In other words, yes, leaving is not easy. You love them and they show you all the goodness to do so until you're sucked in, and then leaving becomes really hard. No one in my life understands how I stayed. But no one has been in an abusive relationship either - not to the level of manipulation, etc. Otherwise they would not judge. Your freedom and safety is worth so much more in the end.
Also, you cannot change these abusers, they live in a different world. They do not live with the same mentality that human beings live with. They will not change unless there is a real will to change, and it will take hard work. I thought mine changed and almost married him because the abuse had finally stopped and everything was good. But then it started again. It's not about their victims, it's about control and their own insecurities and dark issues. Like another commenter said, you have to RUN from these people, not walk. At least after being in my hell for so long I now know many red flags and I RUN when I see them. I don't even care if they are nice guys over all, one inkling of aggression or controlling behavior and I'm out.
I second (or third) the recommendation for Patricia Evans' books. I tried to read them and see how they applied and a first couldn't see it. I suspected abuse, but you're in such a fog and not yourself you just don't understand anything anymore. If you suspect you're being abused, you probably are - you just can't figure it out yet because they have beaten you down and manipulated you so much. And, verbal abuse can lead to physical violence, so it's best to get out before that happens.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 and many other resources are available. It's not just for physical abuse.
"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to bloom." -- Anais Nin
Thank you so much for adding so much here, SheReaper. I so appreciate your reaching out like this with your own personal experience and the resources and beautiful quote. When you've been there, you understand more than anyone else ever can!
If someone is truly interested in you and wants to pursue a relationship with you, he will make sure this is perfectly clear to you, Halima. There's no confusion - and no reason to ask for clarification - if someone's on the same page as you. A relationship can't progress when you no longer meet or even talk. Yes, a relationship will be if it's meant to be, but not without two people being on the same page, wanting the same thing and both being willing to make that happen. Ask yourself what you've really fallen for and why. Is he truly worthy of you? Believe his actions, Halima. Someone who's right for you will always make you a priority. You deserve nothing less!
Beautifully said, Anne; thank you for sharing your own living example of this.