I was having a conversation with a friend recently about some of the assumptions I used to make when I was single. With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these assumptions were way off base, but at the time they just seemed to make sense.
You know, like the one where you assume that he’s interested in calling you simply because he asked for your number.
Or the one where you assume he’s on the same page as you simply because you've been going out for awhile and you think everything’s going well.
Here I was thinking so many of the assumptions that I made were true for both people in a relationship. That they were just naturally the way both men and women started thinking about the nuances of things as just part of the dating and relationship process – when in reality, they were anything but similar.
Not just gender came into play, but also personality, cultural differences, and many other factors, and I started to see how the lens that we see everything through that reflects the stories of our lives comes into play here once again.
You think it must be what he’s thinking, too. You believe it’s the next logical step for him, too. You can’t imagine how it could be any different for him.
But the reality is, he’s not you.
I started realizing just how much of a problem this is for so many of us, when we look at how someone else behaves and we make our own judgment that has everything to do with us and our own filters, and nothing to do with him.
If it was just an observation on our part, that would be one thing, but the problem goes so much deeper than that. It’s because we make these judgments into the truth about our relationships, and then we start living that way, without even realizing how one-sided this reality that we've created for ourselves – the only reality we see - has become.
And when you live this way, when you make someone your world and close off all your other options simply because he’s telling you all the things you want to hear, you’re not seeing this for the reality of how long you've been together or how well you really know him.
Like when you start playing house with him before you have the committed relationship you’re looking for from him, simply because his lease is up or because you’d like someone to snuggle with at night. You’re missing the most important part - the commitment.
You’re making yet another assumption here based on your criteria, your view, your own filtered lens.
Here are 10 big assumptions that so many of us make that totally mess up our love lives:
- You assume you're his girlfriend just because you've been hanging out together.
- You assume he's interested in a relationship just because he’s flirting with you.
- You assume he hears wedding bells the same way you do because he’s asking you out.
- You assume he wants a relationship with you because he wants to have sex with you, even if he calls it "making love”.
- You assume he wants to marry you because he’s OK with living together.
- You assume you're exclusive (hint: You're not, unless you both verbally agree you are!)
- You assume that his telling you he “doesn't want to lose you” means he can give you what you’re looking for.
- You assume that having his baby means he’ll stay with you and become the man the father your child needs him to be.
- You assume he'll come back to you just because you decide to play hard to get.
- You assume he wants you to “rescue him” just because he tells you the sad story of how he’s never known love, or been cheated on, or had a rough childhood, etc., etc., etc.
The first step in changing these assumptions (that are really your belief systems operating that keep you from finding love) is simply to recognize them.
Hear yourself saying them in the unspoken thoughts you think when you find yourself in any of these situations.
Question the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what you want it to be.
Is it real? Or is it just you wanting it to be real and reading more into it than what’s really there?
You don’t want the fairytale. You don’t want the lie.
You want the reality, you want the truth.
Even if it hurts, even if it’s not what you imagined. Free yourself by being willing to see the reality of what you do know, of what you feel, of what you see, of what his actions say even if his words don’t, before you go any further in a script that is just that; a fantasy and not the love and the life that you so deserve.
What assumptions have you held? You’re not alone! Let’s help each other recognize the ones we've been living by sharing them here in the comments!
Yes, I am guilty of my share of assumptions. I have been so sweet and naive. I assumed that because they liked hanging out with me, they liked me as a woman. I assumed that because they said things like "I've gotten so used to you", it meant they cared or because they said things like "I can't believe we have so much in common" he saw or thought we were right together. Ah the nativity. I have lived in a fool's paradise my entire life. I have fallen for guys without even getting to know them, and what's worse, I have let them know I liked them so much. Of course, like any player would, they have taken advantage of my being there. It is however kind of hard for me to understand there are people who just think about their own well being at the expense of someone else's. I do understand it is my job to decide on what is best for me, but if the situation had been reversed, I am absolutely sure I wouldn't have taken advantage of a man who is interested if I am not. It happened only once and I went out and told him clearly I was not interested and walked away from him so that he could easily pick someone else and his interest in me wouldn't remain or grow. I think he might have thought I was not kind, but that was the kindest I could have ever been. I was honest and never used him nor chose to have him around even though I truly wanted his friendship. My desire to get what I wanted from him didn't prevail at the expense of his reality. In retrospect I am glad I see how kind I truly am. I felt sad and guilty back then, but now I know I was protecting his feelings. For better or worse, these guys I was interested in didn't really consider my feelings, but I have learned quite the lesson. Another big assumption that kills ne in all departments is to think people will think and act the same way I do. Big, huge mistake.
I love this email, it really opened my eyes! Thanks Jane
You're so welcome, Erika; I'm glad it did!
The #9 option is a mistake what girls do, it never works,
One day, I hung out with my senior and after that, I never saw him again,
Then 1 week later, we boarded the same bus, and he spoke to me in a normal manner,
After that, he again disappeared and 2 weeks later he contacted me on Whatsapp asking for my picture, and b cuz he didn't get what he wanted, he disappeared for good!
I still see him around college, but no matter what day it is, he's always tensed about something, especially during tests.. guess I never was his priority,, its sort of hard to forget him, since I see him moving around often, although I don't pressurize myself to go and talk to him, or force myself to 'not' think about him sometimes,, whenever 'he' pops up in my mind, I just accept the fact it happened, and move on with my work and life,, I'm sort of not worried about whether he's show up again or not,,
Today, I don't even prioritize a guy over a phone call, especially guys who treat me like an option...
So yeah, I'm feeling better now after seeing this post,
Thank You Jane! <3
You're so welcome, Alyssa! I'm so glad this resonated with you. If someone's truly right for you, you'll know because he'll be on the same page as you, he'll want the same thing in a relationship as you do, and he'll be right there with you doing whatever it takes to make it work; no second-guessing, no disappearing acts, no giving you reason to question him and yourself and wondering what's going on. Real love is never complicated! 🙂
What a great post. So insightful, it's amazing the assumptions that we carry around with us. We need to stop making assumptions that'll only hurt us in the end - they were merely perceptions of what the situation was. Instead, while with a man, we need to live our lives in the best way we can and take care of ourselves. We need to replace our assumptions with the firm belief that we deserve the best from a man. It's as simple as that. Carrying that belief around will free you from the need to constantly assume things and analyze him. Also, when you are with a man who treats you right there will never be room for assumptions and second guessing him. You'll just know that you're all his and he'll make sure you know it 🙂
Beautifully said, Sarah; thank you! 🙂
I assumed he genuinely wanted to know me as a person and have something real with me just because he texted me everyday for 3 months straight and then would always talk about what we would do on the next date, but then he faded away and completely disappeared, only to touch base again after no contact for over 2 weeks! I believe he was just stringing me along and making sure I'm still available. I never responded to him because I don't think we have a shot at anything real. If he was genuinely interested in me, he wouldn't disappear like that with no explanation, right? I don't want to be just an option for somebody (but note, I never had sex with him, thank God!)
Right, Kathryn! You've got it!
This is a very good article. Great job Jane.
Thanks, Carolyn.
I assumed that just because I am open and honest and ask questions and talk about things and don't play games or lie that that would mean I was assured of the same coming back to me. I keep ending up in destructive and dangerous situations and am currently striving to extricate myself from the latest. I am finally seeing how the assumptions that I make are drawing these men to me and that underneath the most dangerous assumption is that I am not sexy enough or attractive enough or successful enough or interesting enough. I am drawing in men who smell my insecurity and need and when one of these guys moves in on me I jump at the chance to be chosen. Then I spend all of my energy trying to figure out why they are treating me the way they are....what did I do wrong....what am I not providing....and I say, "See! I knew I was not sexy enough or attractive enough or smart enough! See! He is right! Why should he love me?!?! I am disgusting!" I am reading all of Jane's posts and all of the comments by all of you and I can feel my perspective changing. Janes says to remember that we are the ones doing the choosing because we are lovely and we do deserve to be treated well. I want to be able to look at this current person in my life and say, "I am not choosing you, thank you, good bye." I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, "You are lovely and you are worthy of being treated with love and respect!"
Keep using the word "lovely" with your beautiful self, Deborah! As often as you possibly can! There's something there for you in that word, in its power to reach deep down inside you and reveal the "lovely" woman you truly are, even if this other person is incapable of seeing this for himself. That's his problem, not yours. Stay with the cringe; there's always something there that needs to be seen!
Dear Jane, I am not sure I understand what you mean with "Stay with the cringe..." Could you elaborate on that?
Thank you.
It's the things that make us cringe about ourselves that reveal a much deeper story, Deborah. Whether it's shame or guilt or fear, if there's something that we're not comfortable with - thus the "cringe", that brings out some emotion in us that doesn't fit the accompanying action, we're getting closer to something bigger that's at play. It's bringing you closer to your truth!
So when I say, "stay with the cringe", I'm saying to stay with it and see the why behind it instead of running away from it or distracting yourself from it or telling yourself another story about it simply because it's uncomfortable. There seems to be something about calling yourself "lovely" that triggers something deeper in you. So if you stay with that feeling, you'll find out what's underneath.
Using this example, it sounds like you received some message earlier on in life that it wasn't ok to think of yourself this way; that it was selfish or proud or some other story that was put on you that you made your own, and it's not fitting anymore as you're seeing the truth of who you really are and just much it is your very right to think of yourself and describe yourself this way!
The more you recognize and throw off these messages that were never your own to begin with, the more you'll be able to question your old "truths" and beliefs about love and being lovable and begin to replace them with the truths you're now seeing as real until they become your own! Deep, I know, Deborah; let me know if I can clarify further. I love these questions as they help us separate what's really ours and what was never ours to take on in the first place!
Thank you for the clarification. Yes, I do cringe at saying I am lovely. It brings tears and I feel grief and loss....for that lonely little girl who just wanted to be scooped up and held and told she was wonderful just as she was. It is hard to keep moving some days and, as you said before, I am trying to keep in mind that there will be bad days in the process....but that they are temporary and will pass. I do feel uncomfortable a lot right now and afraid. I find that I am a bit unbalanced as I go from pushing myself way too hard and dragging myself around to places and situations that freak me out to hiding at home curled up on the couch with my dog under a blanket watching movies. 🙂 Again, thank you for clarifying.
It is really like that! I am figuring out so many things these days and I´m finally getting over this guy..you´ve been great help, my guru! I still don´t know if I wish that I knew this stuff one year ago before I got into the whole story, or if I´m just grateful for the journey and the things I learnt..maybe it has to be lived to be able to really understand, maybe by hearing it before you actually suffer from it and gets over it you are truly able to understand it and make sure it doesn't happen again. I wonder if guys have the same problems and issues as we...is this all ( finding true love, understand the love is in us, finding us selves etc etc) a women thingy or is it an universal human communication problem and something thats inside both men and women? Or are guys actually more promiscuous, more easy going and less commitment keen than we? I mean, sure we were around the fire taking care about the new borns and the food while they were hunting but is is due to biological differences ( I am just as strong as many men and more and run much faster than most . Men can just as well look after the kids after the first weeks of breast feeding. ) ..curiosities....love to you all, thank again, you rock!
Now I understand and forgive him; I assumed he was my dream man from the beginning and all my reactions and feelings after that was based on that. I interpreted that just because he was flirting with me, he wanted to have a relationship with me, and all disappointments were due to that mistake. But he also failed, he enjoyed the attention I gave him and ride along that, making me believe that this actually could work out and that maybe I was right in my assumptions. He pretended to be lost or maybe loosed himself in me too, which was devastating for me that was helpless. Now I see everything clear, he was never for me, I forgive him but am also quite angry with him for having failed since the only one suffering was I. But …I come out stronger and wiser than ever. I haven’t been true to my self in this story either, which was the worse crime anyone committed and that is why I have felt so confused, I didn’t find myself there. I was feeling bad for behaving not truly as my nature and settled for crumbs and not standing up for me as I normally do. That made me feel so not in my skin and a lot of confusion and also the depression it caused me was due to that, I wasn't living my life as its meant to be. I think it is normal to be depressed then, after a long time living according to some one else's lays and rules, totally in immersion in something and after something I thought was love, and when it all the time was swimming against the flow, against his nature but most important against my own. There are some pieces of the puzzle yet before I can let go off it..it´s the sex, I am not sure how I feel about the sex yet…there are mixed feelings about feeling gross about being one of many, and feeling that it was a good experience. I´m sure I´ll figure it our soon though. ☺ One thing for sure, I don´t want to have shared love in the future...
"I was feeling bad for behaving not truly as my nature and settled for crumbs and not standing up for me as I normally do. That made me feel so not in my skin and a lot of confusion and also the depression it caused me was due to that, I wasn't living my life as its meant to be."
Hi Alva, This comment of yours really struck home for me. Exactly! I am right here as well, only not quite as far along as you in being able to finally make the decision to say enough.
Hi ladies,
In a way i have been there too. It took me a lot of time, meaning months.
I believe now that "he" who came into my life & pushed some buttons inside me.
Crazy to say, but I think my soul & mind needed him to push those buttons...
These buttons were already there... These insecurities!
Because then I got the chance to see a different side of me & forced me in a way
To deal with it. I could say "damn man" and move to another. But I paused and just
Got me thinking ... Maybe in a crazy way that was the point, I needed a hard lesson!
True Jane & healing i learned from it. I am even thankful for his crazy ass actions!
Good luck & choose kindness towards yourself.
Most of it is our cultural programming, Alva, along with the influence of the media and the messages we receive from the time we're little girls about being "good, polite" little girls who are positively reinforced to please, to give, to not rock the boat and upset anyone, to be what someone else wants us to be and not what we ourselves know we are. Add in our first relationship with the opposite sex - our fathers - our natural biological roles as nurturers comes to include the role of loving the ones who remind us most of the ones from our past who weren't available to us in the ways we needed them to be, in the hopes that we can prove ourselves worthy and lovable this time around.
Yes, men certainly do have their own issues, usually around being man enough and being emotionally tough and strong, when the irony is that it is only our culture that has it backwards as they are naturally the more sensitive sex if they were only allowed to be themselves from the beginning and accepted as the sensitive little boys they come into the world as.
Love your thoughts and questions here and always, Alva; thank you for adding so much to these conversations!
Hi everyone,
#10 is one that has gotten me every time. I feel like if I meet a guy that has had the same problems I have had in relationships that if it was me and there goes that big assumption again! I would want someone to show me love and have my back. I now realize as you stated in previous blogs and this one as well that they are not me! Sometimes you want relationships so bad you project your feelings on to that person because you do not want to believe what is right in front of your face. For a straight three months after my ex disappeared I worried about him getting involved with one of his baby mama's because I felt from the information that he had told me she did not treat him right or I worried about the girl who he was messaging on face book how she would treat him! Exactly unbelievable because this is someone that just disappeared on me! I think a lot of times why we believe in these assumptions is because if there is a crack in these relationships or non relationships that we think we are having we feel like there is a problem with us, but as Jane as stated it has nothing to do with us and everything to do about them.
Another assumption that should be # 11 is you think they really want to be your boyfriend because they chase after you for so long and stated they want you to be their girlfriend. When you give in then the downward cycle begins. The disinterest, lack of communication, and the loneness because who cannot understand how someone chase after you for so long and acts like you just pop into their life on your own with no help from them.
That's another all-too common one, Sophia; when you can't understand why anyone would chase after you so long if they didn't really want you to finally come around - because you would never do that yourself! And therein lies the greater assumption that we assume someone's thinking like us because it doesn't make logical sense any other way.
Exactly! I really need to work on this assumption. Thanks, Jane
Deep Jane.
I had to read it 2 times!
You really have to be in a awakening state of mind to see it
From that level. And to keep awake/realistic.
Very inspiring!
i assume I relate to number 9 & number 2 because when I met this guy around September I was scared of adding him as a friend on fb and gave him my number n was assuming he would txt me everyday or flirt with me,
I feel like I'm related to number 9 because I'm assuming he will come back to me after him ending the friendship for several reasons n I feel like he's hard to get
my heart says he would come back to me around my birthday 11/6 or his birthday 10/7. I'm assuming he will remember my birthday in the real world as friend even tho we're not FB friends n both had no contact tho. that's how i relate to 9.
Sep - Dec 2013 i always assumed he would txt me when he would FB chat me n what time & i remember txting him each day saying how was your day etc, he did txt back sometimes but not all the time bcoz he's a shy guy, when waiting for him to come online (on chat) i always assumed he would come online n talk to me n we would talk for 30mins and he kinda acted interested in the time. i remember 1 time i was ready to go to the next level but he wasn't. i asked him on 11/9/13 what do u want in a future n he said marriage n maybe 1 kid whereas for me marriage n no kids. he's had a few ex's over the past years etc.
i remember in Dec on NYE posting up what my new years resolution would be which is finding <3 n it was long post. my mind said maybe he deleted u from fb bcoz of the way i post
1 nite i was at the movies with rents and i told them I'm gonna talk to him after the movie n i thought i beta off staying home n talking to him n assumed he would wait but then he unexpectedly gave me msg saying he was too tired n had to do stuff around the house n talk another time when his boss gets back hopefully but never happened n waited n was assuming he would contact me.
i feel like i have too many assumptions but can relate to 9 & 2
It's a huge step when you can see these assumptions you're making in your own life, Courtney, because that's the first step to seeing what's really there and not just what you want to believe! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this for yourself!
Wow this is soooo true and has hit home for me! I need to stop assuming, I never knew I was doing it until now. I kind of feel like a fool. Maris hit the nail on the head!
You're so not alone, Chrystal; so many of us have made these same assumptions without even realizing that's what we're doing. Now you can change it!
I assumed because he called or texted me everyday, that I was the queen of his heart!
Once in the shop I was buying stuff and met a guy, flirting etc.
gave him my number and assumed he was going to call & make love to me.
But he didn't 🙂
I assumed the most while having a guy, because I was feeling not enough or insecure.
If I stay confident and close to me, the assuming part disappears!
I met this guy and we dated 2 times now, he assumed that he should be the only one
I date now. That I shouldn't go to parties or date on line anymore. He literally said it.
I just met him.
Now mostly I would assume the same. But I said to him, that sounds ridiculous !
It really does when you think about it! It was like a mirror to me, assuming is so crazy way of
Wanting to attract love...
Great article! I hope I don't assume to much in the future.
Hi Maris,
Am definitely with you on the texting everyday. I thought I was the queen of his heart as well and he actually would call me his queen when he text me! lol
Hi Sophia,
🙂
How great to hear I am not the only one sometimes "blind" person haha..
I guess some men or women lie to get attention, it is sad.
I don't understand them & their actions. But now we are less blind,
We will see the truth faster.. I hope so! We have Jane haha
oh the mirrors, Maris; they tell us so much about ourselves in a way we couldn't otherwise see! So glad this helped you see the assumptions we don't always realize we're making, it's a reminder we all need.
You assume that when he says, I Love You, he means it. Instead of it being a tactic to sex and "your" commitment.
So true, Nettie; especially when we so want to believe it.
Number 8 is by far the most misguided tactic. I'm surprised some women still use it today.
I agree, Jackie.