Here's an email from one of our beautiful readers who is afraid that she may have made a mistake by holding him off for too long.
Here's her story:
Jane -
I love reading all of your articles and have been incorporating them into my most recent situations, including one in particular.
I started dating someone about three or four months ago, and at the time, was really busy and focusing on myself while getting over someone else, which obviously made him like me more.
He would ask me out on dates and I had to cancel a couple of times. I only went out on one or two dates with him up until about a month ago when we started seeing each other more. He initiated this with his kind words, asking me to hang out with him before I completely slipped from his mind.
He even met some of my friends and gave us free tickets to a sporting event and sat with us. He had pursued me for so long, and still kept persistent even after I had put him off.
I realized that I should not have put him off for so long, but it seemed all was going well and I could tell from his behavior and even the way he looked at me, that he really liked me. My girl friends even discussed how into me he seemed.
A couple of weeks ago, we were intimate for the first time, which I was pleased about because I was happy I had waited. The weekend after, he had friends in town, which I assumed were male friends visiting him as he just moved here four months ago from another city. We made plans to go to a sporting event together, his treat.
On the Saturday after his friends arrived, he indicated to me that one of the people in town was his ex, and he didn't know what was going on, but that he had a bad dream the prior evening and wanted to be upfront with me. I assume from this revelation that he had probably been intimate with her.
I let him know I knew we weren't exclusive at this point and it was early, but that I wanted to keep seeing him. He absolutely agreed and said he just wanted to be upfront.
Throughout the next week I sensed a distance growing and decline in communication, the harder I pushed the harder he pulled back.
The next weekend, we were supposed to go to the game he promised me and he had to cancel on me hours before we were supposed to see each other because he works on the weekends, but I think he knew about it way before he cancelled.
Call it a woman's intuition.
I let him know I was not happy and that I wish he had told me right when he found out, but I had come up with other plans for the evening.
He apologized profusely and told me that he felt his communication with me had suffered because his ex came in town and he was confused about what had happened the weekend before.
I indicated to him that we were not exclusive at this point, and I had other prospects (truth, I had not been intimate with them however), but was disappointed because I hoped things would go somewhere.
I told him I did not think he should ruin a possibility with someone new and in town for an old ex who lived miles and hours away. I also told him to contact me if he wanted to make up for the cancellation (in a very nice way), and to take care otherwise.
Inevitably, I do think this is the best way to have handled the situation, to avoid being hurt in the long run. I have let things drag on in the past with others who weren't right for me, and that only hurts more.
However I can't help but be upset and disappointed as he pursued me for so long!! What was the point of all of that if he was only going to continue things with an ex from a while ago?
Maybe our timing was off, and he told me her trip here was planned before him and I had even went on a second date.
I never did get a response and that was a couple of days ago. It upsets me that I may never hear from him again, which I know is normal. I just can't help but think that maybe I did something wrong with the way I handled it, even though I think this has nothing to do with me.
What are your suggestions? Completely move on? Follow up again? Give him time?
Did I scare him away? And if he does come back into the picture, what's the appropriate plan of action?
He seemed to have everything I wanted and I'm disappointed I waited to give him the time of day as I think the ex would be out of the picture if I had showed interest sooner...
Please keep me anonymous!!!!
My Response:
(I'll call her Anon, as she wants to be anonymous)
First of all, don't go there, Anon.
Don't go to that place we go where you look at what you should have done, could have done, would have done if only you could have known better.
All that does is set you up for the worst possible treatment; the kind we deliver to ourselves.
There is no one who has higher expectations, or holds you to such impossible standards of perfection than you yourself. And so, instead of putting all this back on the person who it belongs to – this guy in your case – you hold onto the idea that if you had only done something different, it would be completely different and you would be with him right now.
This is the first place we always want to go!
We do this because it makes us feel like we have more control than we do. We do this because we want to believe it could be different. We do this because we think that if we were responsible for it, we can somehow change it back and do a do-over.
And we falsely believe it's because he's all that and we've somehow missed out on something that has so much potential.
But here's why that's not true.
This isn't about you. It's about him.
If you're with someone who's on your page, who wants what you want, who's looking for the same type of relationship you are – and with you – there's nothing you can do to mess that up.
You always have two powerful forces working for you; love itself – whether you want to call it the Universe, Fate, or God – and the person who wants to be with you.
If he wanted this, if he was sure that he was ready to move on from this ex, she wouldn't have been in the picture like this in the first place. He would have been confident he was ready to see you.
In fact, it's often when men are the most unsure of what they really want that they pursue the hardest and the longest simply because as long as you're not taking them up on their pursuit of you, they don't have to decide what they want.
It makes it easier for them!
So what I want you to see, Anon, is that it was precisely because you took so long to give him the time of day that you were together as long as you were!
Because for someone who isn't sure what he wants, who's going back and forth, this is his ideal situation. You living your own life and not wanting much from him, and him being able to keep pursuing you with no commitment involved.
Someone can have everything you think you want, Anon, but if he's not there where you are, if he doesn't want what you want, then it doesn't matter. The only reason it's bad timing is if someone doesn't want it to be the right time! That's the part we don't want to believe until we find out for ourselves just how true it is.
But it is.
There are always two sides to every story, and you only ever know your own. No matter how much potential, no matter how wonderful things seem, if it really was that good, if there really was that much potential, you'd still be together now.
This wasn't about you and him. This is about him and his ex. It's not up to you to fix it. It's up to him to figure out what he wants.
Trust your gut instinct here. When you say you have a feeling it has nothing to do with you, that's exactly it and you do know this! Do what you need to do for you; you can't go wrong listening to what you need here.
You can give him time and space, you can follow up with him, you can do anything you want to do as long as it comes from a place where you know all this so that what he does or says or doesn't do or say in response to you doesn't change the way you feel about yourself.
You can't scare away someone who's right for you!
This isn't about waiting for him to realize how great you are and why he's crazy to not try to keep you in his life, it's about you living your life and knowing that if and when he figures out what he wants, you'll be the first to know. And then you can see where you're at and decide what you want.
You're the prize, Anon. You're the one doing the choosing. No matter how hard it is to believe this, you absolutely can't get it wrong with someone who wants to be with you!
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What are you thoughts - do you have any words of wisdom for our dear friend Anon? Share them with us in the comments!
“You can't go wrong with someone who’s right for you”. I needed that... I google “Did I scare him away” and came here...
He pursued me a lot, until I fel for him... this was about 3 months in.
I wasn’t needy, I simply told him I missed him and sent cute messages... and then he distanced himself...
Now he tells me he wants nothing serious, he divorced last year and needs time alone, with no obligations.
But he still calls me from time to time, asks me to dinner and to have a good time...
How to I turn this around? He looks like he likes me, i like him, I’m a great person... but I want a relationship!
Everyone has formulas - play it cool, do not accept all invitations or he will think it’s too easy and he will not be interested... I want to be myself, is that so wrong?
I’m heart broken! And so afraid that tomorrow he will find a girl who knows how to play this game and will be with her. 🙁
So, my personal opinion is that you can do better than him. I've dated guys who've played games with me like that and it's just a waste of time. You shouldn't have to play a game in order to be with someone, if he wants to be in a relationship then he wouldn't be leading you on like that. He's not ready for a relationship, and you are so you should find someone who is ready like you.
Trust me, it'll save you a lot of heartbreak if you don't let him play with your emotions. It's hard at first to let someone who you think may be the right guy go, but there are a lot of guys out there and I'm sure there's someone who is even more compatible with you and is ready for a relationship.
So true, Jen!
That's precisely the only "forumula" that's absolutely guaranteed to "work", Patricia. This is my entire message here and why you found yourself here! Everything else - anything else - simply isn't sustainable! And if he finds that girl who knows how to play this game - who could even be a part of a relationship with someone who could think of any of this as a mere game - it will be confirm what your heart of hearts knows right now. That you only want someone who could love you for you, who could want you for you, who doesn't need to be convinced of your value, who knows that because he's someone on your page, compatible with the real you, capable of actually seeing the real you and not running scared because the two of you have the potential for a REAL relationship because it's the only kind you'll have, and capable of making a commitment to a committed relationship with someone exactly like you. If not, if that's not him, Patricia, there is no loss in the end, no matter how much it feels like there is right now. The 3/4 month mark is notorious for showing who you've got and who you don't because he can only be on his best behavior for that long before the real him begins to reveal himself. You can't see that now, but you absolutely will when you meet someone who agrees that you being yourself -without playing any games - is the only one he wants! Don't settle for anything less than that. You deserve nothing less!
Thanks Jen and Jane.. that helps! I’m trying to see that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s hard, but getting there ❤️
We all are, Patricia! You're not alone!
Wow, thank you Jane for this.
I have been single for a year.. However, a month ago I met a guy that wisked me off my feet. I felt something so strong, I loved everything about him. I didn't have any issue with him smoking or drinking even though I hate those things. He seemed to be very into me as well. We talked a lot, we both seemed to be happy and we got intimate. He said he was falling in love with me, and said he planned the future with me in it. I let my emotions take over me..
But then, I think I said something that I figure he didn't like and he started backing off until he disappeared. I was angry and hurt. I texted him, saying : I didn't know what had happened, that I didn't know if everything he said was the truth or a lie, that I am not a "slut" . I believed in him, and I thought we were both walking the same path. That what we had was real and sincere. Two adults moving on together in life. I was not sure what I had done or had said to make him change his mind. Or that maybe he was lying to me all along or has another relationship. What I do know is that people shouldn't play with other people's feelings. I am an open book. I do not look for sex. Maybe you just had fun with me, maybe I was just an adventure. I gave myself to you. I fell in love. I hope no one does that to your daughter."
I haven't heard from him.. and its killing me. I am a grown woman, I feel terrible.
it doesn't matter if you are 20's, 30's or 40's it doesn't get any better.
In Spanish there is a saying, " lo que esta para ti, nadie te lo quita" which is essence is what you are saying You can't scare away someone who's right for you!".
I hope and pray he was honest and truthful.. it felt so real.. this doesn't happen every day....
He already showed you who he is. A man who disappears on you is a no-no. That's enough for you to pull the plug. It's one of those one-strike-and-you're-out kind of situations. If he ever shows up, please don't take him back, you'll be in for a world of hurt.
"You can't scare away someone who's right for you!"
I love how you put this! If someone really likes you, they won't get scared off. Great article and amazing writing skills!
Thank you, Verona. It's the absolute truth!
So, I just really messed up a 3rd date I was really excited for. Two amazing dates, and a fun planned one for the 3rd.
He came to my place to get me, and came up for a second or two. I said I had not planned on having him up, but gave him the tour, so did not make him feel welcome at my place. We went on our way to see a show. That was fine. After we went to a drink at a place I suggested and it seemed really good. I shared that I was glad we were getting to know each other, enjoyed my time with him, and saw him as a gift. I shared some of my interests etc. And he seemed to feel happy to meet someone also shared diverse interests. I also joked about my boobs when we talked about what we sleep in. He drove me home, and kissed me goodbye, and said talk soon.
Then I did not hear from him. and I thought about what I said and I am deeply ashamed:
A. I did not make him feel welcome in my home ( and I was a tease by mentioning my boobs)
B. He was soooo great at making me feel taken care of, but seemed somewhat not great at letting himself be taken care of. So I mentioned that all the energy was directed at me, but I wanted an in to give as well. He said he asked me to do things he also enjoyed doing
C. I mentioned I was embarking at becoming a tour guide in my local town. I said I would be making up my own tours, and that if I still knew him in January, he could be my guinea pig. He laughed at that
D. I spoke negatively about a work situation
E. I said there was a group of people I did not like engaging with because everyone is looking for husbands and the guys looking for numbers.
So, I scared him away. I ran him away with my neediness... I feel terrible. Please help!
I think Anon handled it perfectly and your perspective on how and why it lasted because she stayed aloof is spot on. Your advice on how to proceed really is great too. It's not so much what we do, it's why we do it. As long as we are emotionally healthy, all of our actions will honor us. Thank you for being a beautiful, sound voice in the dating jungle. 🙂
"As long as we are emotionally healthy, all of our actions will honor us. "
This is awesome! i totally agree! Work on what's inside, and the outside will naturally adjust.
"Naturally" - Exactly, Sky; I'm so glad you caught that because that's the simplicity I'm talking about here! Separate reality from fantasy and you are truly, truly free!
"It's not so much what we do, it's why we do it" - You've summed this up so aptly, Nittany; I love how you take what I'm saying here and put it in your own words like this. That's exactly why I'm here. We think it's all about the details that we're so concerned about getting right, but it's about something so much simpler.
And thank you for your kind words; I'm honored. 🙂
Jane pretty much has awesome advice once again!!! This is all so true and the best way to look at the situation.
It's true that you should let go of people who play these type of games, and be confident and happy enough with your life on your own so that you don't let others pull you into their games. It's easier said than done sometimes. It's important to settle only for the person who wants you for you. What makes this hard though, for me at least, is that after a while it becomes impossible to believe there is actually a good fit for me out there anymore. Like I am such a different puzzle piece that there's just no fit for me out there. Does anybody else ever feel like this?
Fortunately i dont let that feeling cause me to drop my standards for anybody who isn't completely into me in the right way anymore. But it basically just means I am alone for good. Oh well not everyone wins the love lottery! And I'd rather be on my own than be with somebody who isn't the right fit (even if there is no fit hmph)
Also I've learned from experience that when somebody starts to put distance between you, the best thing to do (the opposite of all your instincts) is step back yourself. If they are pulling away, any attempt to get them to stop will only push them away further, AND wreak total havoc on your self esteem and self worth. It's far better to step back when this happens and refocus on yourself, and let yourself emotionally disconnect a little.
Dear Jan,
About 2.5 months ago, I wrote about my relationship with a guy who I loved so much and sent it as an email. Until today I didn't get any answer from you. please, please and please answer emails sooner than this. I know you are busy but I really can't wait to know your idea about what happened to me.
Love you sooooo much.
I love hearing from all my readers, Annabell, and I try my best to respond to each and every one of you as quickly as possible. I know when you're going through what you are, answers to your questions can seem so hard to find within yourself on your own. However, with the popularity of the blog growing by leaps and bounds, I'm now receiving so many emails from so many of you that it's taking me longer to get back to everyone as quickly as I'd like. As I say on the "contact me" page, I always respond to blog comments first, then to letters that can be posted on the blog publicly to help others going through similar situations, and then private emails last, as time allows. But please know that I haven't forgotten about you, and I will respond back to you with my thoughts as soon as I can! And if you'd like a faster private response, you can always contact me about my coaching services.
HI I have experanced this with a women , its hard as we starart to get a emotional attachment, dont do what idid and held on to the disappointment it just messes youself up , its not easy but you have to accept that you made a mistake anfd move n else you wil just close up and be un happy for the rest of your life .. I did that amd it affects all aspects of my life ..........
It's been more than five weeks since I ended things with a guy who did the same thing to me. He allowed me to drop a ton of money on him before he realized he didn't want anything "serious" with me. I really want to send him a mean email and or IM but then I think 1) I don't want to waste any more energy on him and 2) I do believe, when I get real quiet and still, that the universe will take care of him and it will take care of me. I also want to focus on putting love out into the world and not anger. I feel so angry though.
First, Jane! you are an amazing writer. What you explained to Anon, helped me also. I had the same experience, only I am much older than both of you. It never stops no matter what age these men are. They are the confused ones. What Anon did, I must congratulate her on being so mature and reasonable. I only wished I could have done that. But I got mad and didn't handle it well. After finding this site, I will be more able to handle these situations better, I hope. So Anon, it is nothing you did and you handled it well. I know he seems like he had everything you wanted but he had baggage and that had nothing to do with you.
I'm so glad my response helped you as well, Angie; thanks for adding your own experience here. It all helps to know we're not alone wherever we are in our journeys. We're here to support each other. And thank you so much for your kind words; I appreciate you!
Wow Anon I like your way of saying the truth.
I was reading and thinking what a smart lady ! She really
Knows how to set boundaries but stay friendly!
You kind of remind me of myself. I think it's great that you choose self love in stead
Dating a guy immediately ! For the long run, I think was a healthy choice. Because you
Listened to your instincts.
At the end of the letter you doubt all of these word and boundaries ...
And I was like , huh? Why is she so overthinking this!
Don't doubt Anon. It's a little negative voice that wants you to go
Crazy. Because there is another women in the game. Maybe your ego wants
Some kind of competition... Like "why did he pick her, I am better"
I wouldn't go there , waist of time and energy.
I love how Jane says this, and it is true ;
, it's about you living your life and knowing that if and when he figures out what he wants, you'll be the first to know. And then you can see where you're at and decide what you want.
Wonderfull said Jane.
Thanks, Maris; it's true for every one of us!