Our wonderful reader Meghan is wondering what she should do with the guy she's dating who seems to have commitment issues and might be playing games with her.
Her email:
I met him just after he broke up with his old gf. I played it cool because I didn't want it to turn into rebound sex.
Things worked out nicely and I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months now and it was always been super relaxed and we can always have a good time, and have lots of chemistry in bed.
But it almost seems as soon things get serious he gets scared and stops treating me like his gf and will intentionally do things that make me jealous.
He says he likes me a lot and when we are alone he's super loving. I'm trying to give him space to think about us but I fear he is using this time to hook up with other girls. It hurts and I want to say something but I'm not wanting to scare him off by talking too much about our relationship because of his commitment issues.
I am confused if he is just playing games with me because he knows he can.
What should my next move be?
My Response:
Don't allow him to play games with you, Meghan.
When you remember that you're the prize, that you don't need him; when you remember you're the one doing the choosing here and you change your mindset to that place of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer him, you shift the relationship.
You change the way he sees you by changing the way you see yourself.
Remember your life, you've got one, too.
Yes, you have every right to talk to him, but are you talking to him out of your own insecurities or because you really have something to say?
Fill your time, fill your life, as I wrote in one of my previous posts, be hard to get, don't play hard to get.
Show him that you have a life, too, but not because you're showing it to him, but because you do have a life. And if you don't have one, get one.
Life is meant to be lived in every sense of the word, with so many places to fill your life with love so that he doesn't become your everything. He's not! He's only another human being with his own faults and shortcomings.
But above all, know what you can live with and what you can't. Know what he's worth to you. You said he has commitment issues, well, is that what you want? A relationship with someone who has commitment issues?
Or do you want someone who's on your page, who wants the same thing you want with you, who doesn't make you jealous or pull away when you get to close or play other games with you?
It's always your decision, Meghan. But it has to come from you. You're not going to change him; he's going to be who he is. You be who you are. That beautiful, confident, sexy woman known as you!
Hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any additional thoughts, words of encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Meghan? Tell us in the comments!
Meghan, Any man who deliberately does things to make you jealous does not like you, much less care for you. It is mean and you should stay away from anyone who is mean to you. He is playing with your emotions and no one has the right to do that. Be good to yourself. Friends with benefits does not work well for most women. You have needs but is it worth the heart ache you keep getting when you find out the man has no emotional connection? Find something you like to do and do it. Don't be afraid to be alone. Until you learn to love yourself, how can you love anyone else?
Dear Meghan,
6 months is a lot to get to know someone, but not completely ...
What I am asking myself is that when you two met each other did
You Started dating... ?
I mean really dating( two people getting to know each other ) , not just sippin some coca cola in the movie theatre &
Knowing you will only get the sexual attention ...
So maybe he was hanging around with you & having fun/sex
And you liked it too, or else you wouldn't stayed so long.
There is nothing wrong with two people hanging around etc.
But all of the sudden you changed.
It looks like you two are on different pages and with different
Expectations.
To me this guy seems "friend with benefits"
I think that you were hoping he would fall in love or something like that.
But if you look realistic....
He came from a relationship too you .
You and him have great chemistry physically.
You are talking about giving space , for what?
I don't think he has commitment issues , he just wants to fool around( get pleasure ) till he
Falls in love with one..... He is like the wind, comes and goes... And with this kind of men you have
To be like the wind... Up & down your little heart will go as will your emotions ..
What your next move should be?
*do not stay a friend with benefits , because you already have all these emotions for him. It will kill your self
Worth.
* don't mix sexual spark with love. Women and men think different about this.
*ask yourself what you want in a man & make it clear to him. If he doesn't respond well
Enough. But my guts are tellin this is not the man for you to date.
* be proud of yourself that you just found out that you want a healthy relationship ...
Hi Meghan. Please hang in there. I am on my own journey with a man who has these same issues and I stumbled across this site a couple of weeks ago. Along with Jane's wise and caring words, I have come to realize that I am not alone and that I am not some strange warped entity that should go and hide under a rock because I am so unlovely and unloveable. I love Jane's advise that ..."you are the prize..." and ..."you are the one doing the choosing...". This is a completely different way of looking at relationships for me....perhaps for you as well? As to how I handle things personally, that is changing as I explore myself in therapy and through other supports like Jane's website and other women in the same situation. I still keep quiet for a bit and try to let the behavior....whatever it might be at the time that is hurtful....be ok. I give space and hope. However, that always produces that same response on his part: i.e.: he is perfectly happy in begin allowed to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and not having to have consequences or having to ante up with emotional support, care, intimacy, etc. So I am more and more prone to confront the behavior in a calm and rational and unemotional (as possible) way. I make sure to tell him that I love and appreciate him and that I want our relationship to work, however, the current treatment is not sustainable and we need to find a compromise. He says he has never had to work this hard...no one has ever expected him to actually show up in a relationship....which I totally believe. And I see that the change required may not be something he wants to do. this is the hard part for me....to actually step back, present my case and then to evaluate whether this is, in fact, a man who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. Anyway, all of this sounds super easy on paper, but this is hard work and requires a lot of time and attention to myself.....not him. that is what I am working to shift right now. And I do not know what I am passionate about yet or even what I want to do....but I am just doing things....having dinner with friends....singing at church.....walking my dog....planting flowers in a pot.....anything that is for my time. Again, Hang in there and be kind to you. You are doing fine.
Deborah, You are in a very hard place emotionally and I hope you stay strong enough to think about yourself first. Your guy is suppose to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and so should you. When you are in a relationship, those things usually involve each other and not other people. If you are not in a relationship and are just casually dating, then the more the merrier. The question here is are you claiming a relationship and it is actually just a date? Sometimes if a person is around OFTEN the other person automatically decides it is a relationship. They actually are just FRIENDS. And if you are having sex FRIENDS with BENEFITS! I believe you want more than that. You want the love and security of a real relationship. That is a great idea, but two people have to want the same thing (not just one). Watch how a person treats you. Don't just hear what they say, actually listen to what they are saying to you. Live your life and enjoy each day as if it were your last. If you give yourself away to the first person who acts like they may want you then you never get to be with the person who will give you true love.
To Meghan, I just walked away from a 9 month relationship with basically the same issues, he's not ready to commit, but he wants us to continue dating and look at commitment down the line. However, his actions and his words didn't line up. He was doing things as if we were committed but would continue to say he's not ready. Misleading and confusion led me to walk away because I reached my limit with his actions and some of his treatment to me. For the past month I have been fighting hurt and depression because we were friends before getting involved and I opened up myself, trusted and believed in someone who didn't believe in themselves. I am now dating 'myself' again and loving being with myself. I see the blessing and lesson in these past months, I realized that I was losing myself and when we started dating I was becoming someone dependent on him being my happiness. NOT! So I say take this time as Jane said and enjoy who you are. Sometimes people part to find out how to fall back together. My friend is a great guy, I told him I can see it, but he has to see it for himself, and we have such a great time when we were together, however, I saw the inner issues he has and I put the mirror in his face and I know now that he has started seeing a therapist and taken time off of work to deal with himself. So, if this is a guy you can see yourself with, just give it some space and take care of you and if it is meant to be, you two may re-connect when you're both on the same page. Until then LIVE, LOVE and LAUGH! You are a beautiful woman, enjoy HER! 🙂
P.S. - Jane knows my story and has helped me out so much, she knows what she is talking about. 🙂
Myra, This WAS my story...but it was 3 1/2yrs instead of 9 months. I am working through all of my lessons that he taught me. I am finding out who I am and what I want out of life. I am getting me a life.
Been there too!
It is good to observe sometimes our patterns, so you can make a change.
Myra you are talking about putting the mirror to his face...
That's really brave to do! Wow!
Hi Maris,
Yes it is, if you stay in denial about what you know, you can't change. I have always liked the cliche 'what you see in others, is what you are in denial with about yourself'. And this guy and I are the same zodiac sign, Leo, so I know some of the characteristic, but more so, I knew what he was dealing with because I had been there already. I am three years older than him, but his past lifestyle has been dealing with immature women and childish things. Now that he's 40 he wants to leave his past behind, but scared to make the changes needed. Dealing with me showed him his flaws, my therapist said some men really can't handle a strong woman, sometimes they feel intimidated. We both had already agreed that my mental thinking was more mature than his. I told him that I see a lot of things in him that I had to dig deep in my soul and turn the mirror on myself in order to deal with them and remove. I am a caring person and just like to see people be who they are and not try and 'go with the crowd'. I cared about him enough to let him know what I saw in a loving way, I told him not many people find people like that, all they care about is the person look, what the person can do for them, the person reputation, etc. He's a nice looking guy, in the gym everyday and of course has a female fan club. He's LOVES attention and I told him the way he loves the attention signals to me he has a self-esteem problem, I've been there. I let him now that I wasn't with him for the external, once we started getting to know one another I was interested in the internal. The internal just needs some major renovation. I wasn't trying to force him to make changes to mature more and I've worked way to hard to get over of the last bad relationship to 'dummy' myself down for anyone. 🙂
Being Real Davis,
I know that experience as well, before I was with this guy. I started dating a guy in 1997 after my split from my ex-husband and I finally left him alone completely in 2011, we would off and on see each other. For the first few years we were committed, with ups and downs, but then he started working for a local radio station and the 'lil' females were in his face and his head blew up. I stayed single for the past 10 years and healed myself and discovered myself, it was so cool. I am now reading this book that I think everyone, male and female should read. It will work great with Jane's book, it's called Finding Your North Star by Martha Beck, she basically breaks down your 'essential' self and your 'social' self. Learning is a gift and I wish you much happiness and success. 🙂
Oh, Meghan, I was just where you are. We play it cool and try to not pressure them because of where they are at emotionally--because of what we think they need. By doing so, we sacrifice what we need and want. We put their needs first and we forget that we don't even know for sure that they are worthy of us yet. We want to be big people because we are kind and caring and we want to show our love and support but we can't fix them.
I've taken Jane's words to heart. I still turn to this site to help me through those moments when I am sad but I am largely at peace and as Jane says "with the least amount of regret." Here's what I have gotten from Jane and what helped me decide my 'next move.'
Sometimes, we are afraid to ask for what we want because we are afraid of the answer we might get but when we have information, we can make informed choices. it's even scarier because we cannot hope or assume they're on the same page as us. We'll know whether they are and we bear what feels like the weight of choice. Embrace your choice. Embrace the power and control you have over your life and your happiness.
Ask yourself whether you are okay being with someone that you aren't comfortable talking to about what you need to talk to him about. Imagine the kind of relationship you want to be in. Imagine if and how you want to address your commitment concerns. Imagine how you want him to respond. Then, be the kind of girlfriend--the kind of person--you want to be. The right guy will appreciate you and the best version of yourself. Why let yourself be anything less?
Oh, and remember that this isn't about whether he is ready to commit. It's about what you want and getting what you want from a partner.
Well put Piper!
I've learned to not make someone a priority in my life who makes me only an option. I apply that to all of my relationships, both romantic and platonic, I come first in my life. Everything will just fall into place and progress naturally with a man who's on the same page as me. There will be no games, or wondering "what he wants, or where he's at". Good luck, Megan.
for Meghan.. you cannot change your man because you love him .. he will change himself because he loves you. i think you are being afraid to tell him all the things inside your mind because you are afraid of losing him ..we have to remember that in a relationship both must love each other and if only one party is inlove and the other is just playing games then theres no reason to stay in that relationship that we'll know in the end will cause us heartbreak..and if he really have a plan of committing he will tell you and tell the world not only showing when you are alone together.You have to understand that a true gentleman is fair enough to let you what is his plan for that certain relationship.. Stop thinking and dont Give everything..
You will never play a mind game with your partner just to make him/her jelouse because you love this person and you scared to lose him/her.Mergan I think you need to move on coz it shows that this person doesn't want to have future with you and guys can be good when it comes to play games especially if he sees that you really into him.Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn't want to commit with you??