We've all seen the ads:
Do this and get him back.
And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.
But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.
But right now, it’s the only thing we want.
Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.
So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.
We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.
We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.
It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.
And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.
It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.
But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.
Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.
You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.
Anything else will eventually fall apart.
And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.
You don’t want them.
Not like this.
It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.
Before I knew better.
Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?
If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.
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