I get it. I used to do it to.
We all think about what we need to do to get his attention. Sure, we think about what we want in a guy, but as soon as we meet a guy like that, our thoughts turn to trying to figure out how we can catch him.
As in, he's such a great catch. We try to be sexy. We try to be hip, or cool, or loving or whatever other adjective we think might get him to pick us. To choose us over the others.
We get so caught up in thinking about him that we forget that there’s a whole lot more to this story - the part of the story that’s all about you!
You see, this isn't all about him. We've all been programmed by our culture, the media, and our families and friends to believe it's all about being desirable.
We spend all of our time focusing on what we can do or be to make him like us, make him choose us, make him fall in love with us and make him want to spend the rest of his life with us.
But we’re missing something here!
You.
This is about knowing who you are, and knowing your worth.
So the one thing you absolutely must bring to the table in a new relationship is knowing what you bring to the table.
This isn't about him. We’re not here to convince him of anything. We’re not here to make him fall for us. The only thing we need to do to put all this back in balance and put the focus back on ourselves, is to remember this one thing:
You bring a lot to the table.
Do you see the difference here? When you know what you have to offer, when you know what you bring to the table, it changes you into the confident woman who knows her own worth and lives her life like she knows it.
She doesn't accept just anyone in her life, she doesn't settle for just any kind of behaviors, she doesn't compromise her values just because someone makes her feel special or says all the right things.
She doesn't change herself to try to make some guy like her. And she certainly doesn't go bending and twisting herself into a pretzel to try to keep him happy.
She doesn't worry about whether or not he's a great catch, because she knows she's a great catch.
So many of us don't even understand our own true value, our own true worth. We don't realize all of the wonderful things about ourselves, and we sell ourselves short. This is why it's so important to really look at yourself, and know your worth.
So pick up a notebook, your laptop, your journal or just some scrap paper and a pen, and make a list of everything that you are that you have to offer a potential partner in a relationship. Make a list of everything that's wonderful about you.
Think things like:
Kind. Compassionate. Supportive.
Are you intelligent (yes!)? Are you beautiful (YES!)?
Are you organized? Artistic? Fun?
I'd give you more ideas, but I don't want to influence your thoughts – these need to be your best qualities, and you know what those are much better than I do. The point is that every one of us is unique, and we all have absolutely wonderful things we bring to the table. The problem is that we are so used to them we think they're no big deal.
But they really are.
Often it helps to enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member to assist you in pointing out your best qualities – they will probably remind you of many that you didn't write down yourself.
Once you have your list, keep it handy and refer to it often. Look at it right before going on a date, or to any place where you're likely to meet men.
Why?
Several reasons.
First, it instills in you the self-confidence that you need going in, so that you remember what a great catch you really are. Reminding yourself of your real value, of your worth, will make you feel worthy and subconsciously radiate a self-confidence outward through your body language, your facial expressions and your overall appearance, as you shine that beautiful light of you for everyone to see.
Second, it helps you to know if you will actually be compatible with him and reminds you of your values so you'll know if he shares these same ones. Once you realize just how much you bring to the table, you will be more likely to focus on making sure he is a man of character that has similar or complementary qualities and is in line with your values.
Third, it helps you to remember that it's not just about him picking you. You're doing the evaluating also. Once you know everything that you have to offer, and everything that you bring to the table, you'll be much more likely to make sure that he brings a lot to the table also – at least more than good looks and a charming personality.
It's a good reminder to yourself that you're not just going to let any guy have this amazing package known as you – you're going to make him prove that he's worthy of you before you get in too deep or move too far along.
Lastly, it helps to ground you in reality when you are evaluating him, and it helps you to see his excellent qualities also. Are you kind? Knowing this helps you to notice if he's kind. Are you loving? Caring? Then he better be also. If not, then you know he's not worthy of YOU.
This is such an important exercise for all of us, and something we all need to do whether we realize it or not.
It's so important that I've dedicated an entire section of my upcoming course to this particular topic. In the course, we'll go into depth on what makes you uniquely you, and uncover some wonderful and amazing things about you that you don't even realize. The course is due to be released at the end of the month – so watch out for the announcement!
What's the best quality that you bring to the table in a relationship? Tell us about it in the comments!
Is it then just one thing, Miss Provocateur?
I have a fabulous sense of humor...! 😀
That's priceless, Candee!
In the past I would (I think) have said that I was loving, honest, generous, kind, maybe not beautiful but not tragic either, etc; however, I'm now over 50 and there has NEVER been a man who found me "desirable" so I no longer really believe that I am those things - or at least I'm apparently not enough of any of them. I have tried to just be who I am (I have never compromised my principles for a man or anything like that, and I don't believe that I've tried to be someone I'm not) but apparently I'm just not enough. Unfortunately I really no longer believe that I'll ever be enough so although I can do this exercise till the cows come home, I can't figure out how to change the outcome that I've had for so many years unless I do change myself and I don't even know how to do that.
You are enough, Alex. You still are and you always will be for someone who is truly right for you. I can understand how hard it is to believe that it could be different this time, but the fact that you recognize that this might be different with a change in yourself is huge! It's that little light of hope that comes through in what you've written here and that's the only thing I want you to hold onto. That it's about you doing something different. See what inspires you, see what resonates with you as you go about your life. You are loving, honest, generous, kind and beautiful, and it's especially important to remind yourself of these attributes of yours when you feel like you're not anymore. I've got some real hope for you, Alex. Look around you, see if you can see it, too. You might not know what to do yet, but just a willingness to be open to this is all it takes for something different to show up, to give you something more to believe in. Write these words down somewhere you can see them every morning when you first wake up, Alex - "I'm loving, honest, generous, kind, beautiful" - and before bed before you fall asleep. There's someone out there who's looking for exactly who you are, and we're going to find him together!
Jane you have helped me so much. I broke up with my boyfriend thanks to you. He really wasn't worth it. It was really hard for me to brake up with him. I realized he wasn't the right person for me and when you love someone it's even more difficult to take a determination. So, I forced myself to meet new people and start dating again. I started dating a nice person and worth to be with me. Therefore, I'm following your comments and it's really working out great this realtionship. Slow but good.
I really don't know how to thank you. You made me open my eyes.
I'm so inspired by your words, Lisa; thank you so much for sharing! Because you're so right; it seems so hard; we hang on so tight because we're afraid of so many things. I absolutely love hearing this; it's so beautiful to watch this transformation; to hear how you come to see what I'm talking about for yourself, and find something different than you've known before. Just hearing this is enough, Lisa, it gives me hope that every single one of us can get there, too. I'm so very happy for you! 🙂
love, honesty, respect, understanding, sharing, caring, beautiful inside nd out.
You, beautiful you, Sonal!
Well oddly enough I will start with a statement that my ex girlfriend gave me when she broke up with me...
She broke up because she could not handle the level of commitment I was hoping for :-((
She told me that I was a great catch. ...and I agree. :+)
I am an entertainer, humorous, a fun person to be around with,
Insightful, caring kind compassionate,loving, a good communicator,
.... I will stop there. I have tons to bring to a woman in a relationship!
Blinded are those who don't see! ;+).
Exactly, Luc!
What am bringing to the table is life, which means no more waiting for people that do not want me to be a part of their lives. I want to live and love and that is going to start with me. My qualities are making people laugh, being a loving person, adorable, caring about others, and giving my heart fully, but wisely next time around. If you do not appreciate these qualities than tough! I will not sit around trying to get someone to recognize me. I will not sit around for someone to realize that they are losing out while I sit around like a helpless puppy waiting for a bone and not even getting that in return. So guess what if these guys do not realize am a catch it may not be their lost, but it is definitely not going to be my lost either! Thanks everyone.
This was a fantastic article. I was always worried when I went on a first date will he like me.will I pass the test. Will he call me.? Now I step back and say to myself is he good enough for me!!! I have good qualities and he will be lucky if I choose him. Thank you for your e-mail you really inspired me. Keep it up!!!!
Thanks for your kind words, Bobby! I love how you put this and I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself! Exactly!
You have such a beautiful strength of spirit, Sophia; you're getting this, you're seeing this more clearly all the time! These are wonderful qualities you bring; don't let them be wasted on anyone who doesn't see you - and all you have to offer! - for the gift you truly are!
I bring creativity, excitement, and a different point of view. I'm caring, loving, artistic, and open minded. Im simply me! Since the new year I've been realizing more of my worth and what an amazing catch i consider myself. That mindset helps me not to even entertain unacceptable behavior from a man. I just don't stress and do my own thing. That then sends the message that I value myself, love myself, and wont let a man's foolishness cause me to lose sleep or fret over.
I love how you're experiencing this in real time, Mimi; it's beautiful to see!
This is what I bring to the table, Love unconditional, Joy for life, Peace of mind, Kindness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control, Honesty, Sexy, Intelligence, Beauty, to sum this up all I bring FABULOUSNESS!!!!!!!
Love this, BRD; you so do!
i'm kind, friendly, helpful, organised, forgiveful ,caring, serious & patient. i'm a very patient woman when it comes to waiting for him to text me back or even waiting for to commit. i once told him i'm a very patient woman and he text'd me saying "don't wait on me, if you or me find someone else don't be afraid to do it" & the other day he text'd me saying "don't wait for me to text u. i don't get what he says/means by that? i can really picture the future n i can see myself being with the guy but he doesn't see me n him being together & even though said don't wait on me i feel like yes i will wait for him to commit no matter what because i'm a patient woman. when i first met him he said to stick to being friends first so none of us get hurt and he's slow person & i'm a serious person. the other day he rejected my facebook friend request & re-friend him n i will still be patient and wait for him.
idk what to do anymore.
Courtney.....LET GO!!!
i can't let go. i find it hard to let go these days. i'm a true teller n i don't tell fibs. sometimes i think will it beta to be besties with this guy n not being partners. i will always act like a patient woman no matter what n i would never give up on patience n i find patience is just like a friend.
Hi Courtney,
There is nothing wrong with being patience, but your patience should be in believing that there is a guy out there that will give you the love and care you deserve. We sometimes live so much in the fantasies that we have about these guys that we do not see the reality in what they are showing us and telling us. You can not wait it out for someone to see that you are the right person for them they either see it or the don't . It is a hard lesson because I have been there recently, but it is the truth. If he is telling you these things he is not on the same page as you and he may never be. It is like Jane said if they get on that same page you will be the first to know. God bless and take care.
And you are, Courtney! Only you know how long you're willing to wait for someone without getting anything in return, but there comes a time when we all need to look at what we're getting versus what we're giving and decide whether this is becoming more harmful to us than loving. When he says "don't wait for me, don't wait on me", he means he knows you deserve someone who can give you what you deserve, and he's recognizing that he can't. He's saying he wants you to live your own life apart from him so that he doesn't feel that pressure - and the guilt - of having someone wait on him. He's saying he can see this, even if you can't. He's letting you know as gently as he can, because it doesn't sound like he wants to hurt you, that he's not on the same page as you.
What you do with all this is your decision, Courtney; but know that while you're waiting like this, while he's rejecting your friend requests and giving you these not-so-subtle messages that he isn't the one for you, there's a whole life that you're missing out on; yours! It's always in the living that you find out all that's just waiting for you to discover it; not in the waiting.
Save that beautiful quality of patience that you have so much of, for someone who's ready for you, who wants what you want, who's on the same page as you and who can give you what you so deserve. He may seem like he's all that, but if you're not getting anything in return, consider asking yourself why you're ok with this. There is so much you can do once you are willing to see the reality of what is really going on here, Courtney; you can do this!
Well said Jane!!
🙂
I'm beautiful, enduring, loving, caring, considerate, supportive...
You so are, Jossel!
Thank you so much for your email! I received it right on time and I would say it was God intervening and confirming my true self worth. After reading your article, I came up with so many things that I bring to the table and the most important one for me is LOVE for others. I have so many more, but this one stands out the most! I give so much love towards others and sacrifice so much but I have not been getting that in return! Now, I will demand that! Thank you again and many blessings!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Paula. Your love for others is such a wonderful quality to have! Keep it, celebrate it, love this part of yourself, but as you say, use it in moderation until you find someone who's truly worthy of you - and can love you like you deserve to be loved, too!
im kind, loveable, forgiving… Am beautiful inside and out, i am sociable, i love singing and writing
And you are, Tash!