Somewhere along the way, in between all those times you thought it was the real thing, where you believed that love could conquer all, where you gave away your beautiful heart and soul to someone who you believed would eventually come around and make a commitment to you, you've come to believe that there’s only one possible explanation for your fate: you’re a victim.
I know it seems so much easier. Blaming your fate on everything else, telling yourself your sad story over and over again. It can even seem romantic in a strange sort of way.
Waiting to be rescued and believing in that fairy tale can keep you living like this for a long, long time. It can keep you from living at all for a long, long time.
And while this might seem like an accurate assessment, and you hold onto it even tighter whenever someone starts to question it, what happens when you believe something like this, my beautiful friend, is that you do yourself an even greater injustice.
You are closing yourself in.
You sentence yourself to this story and you put yourself in a very closed box.
This isn't your story. This isn't your fate.
You’re no damsel in distress, my beautiful friend. You’re not a tragic heroine in an epic fairy tale. You’re not a lady in waiting.
It might make for a great romantic story and give you something to keep holding onto, but it’s not your story.
We forgot.
Somewhere along the way we got lost. We forgot that we are doing the choosing. We forgot that we don't need to prove anything to anyone. We forgot that we have a say. We forgot that we can set our own boundaries and our own terms for our relationships and we can refuse to settle for any treatment that doesn't honor and respect the beautiful women we are. We forgot these truths.
You’re not a victim.
You don’t need to be rescued.
We've all, at one time or another, chosen men who we've believed in but turned out to be something different than we thought they were. We've all gotten caught up in the belief that love conquers all. We've all wanted to believe that it does. It might seem so much easier to give our power away like this, to put this all on something else so that we don’t have to take the blame. But in the process of doing this, something else happens.
We take away our ability to change it.
You see, my beautiful friend, what happens when you believe this, when you believe that you're a victim, when you put it on all bad luck, or a curse, or fate, or whatever other story you've been telling yourself for so long, you also deprive yourself of the choice you have to take your power back and create a life of your own choosing.
I know it’s hard not to defend your right to keep thinking like this. Of why you know this is true and that no one understands this. Of why your situation is different. And that’s OK if that’s where you’re at right now. It’s enough to simply entertain this thought, to hear an idea like this that might give you something to think about today or another day.
Because when you catch a glimpse of what your life could be like, when you sense that slight glimmer of hope that there might be a different way, this thought - this little nudge - will always still be right here waiting for you.
No matter who you are, what your past has been like, what kind of situation you are in right now, you can choose what you are going to do next. You can choose your own path forward. You can choose to change your circumstances, starting right now.
You are doing the choosing.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I am at the crossroads of not wanting to be the victim and not wanting to be that I am just unlovable, but it makes it even harder because I just don't know what to do. I recent break up has been about three weeks ago and this is without any contact from him at all. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, but it hurts to keep putting yourself out there in vain it seems and why do I still want someone that we stop talking to me without saying a word. What kind of person does that make me? How to need this cycle I tried to do things when I was single by myself and it was fun, but when this person came along and I thought I had someone that really love I guess I got wrap up in them, but how those one truly love themselves.
It makes you a beautiful loving, caring, committed, believing person, Sophia. Keep all those beautiful qualities of yours, just save them for someone who's deserving of them. Someone who's on your page, who wants the same level of commitment and would never stop talking to you without saying a word. Don't take any of this personally, my beautiful friend. This is about him, not you, and although it might feel like he's rejecting you, it's not a rejection. It's your freedom to be with someone who would never treat you like this! I know it doesn't feel like this, but shift the focus to you and away from him and start loving that most lovable woman that you are for yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you and look for ways to love the people in your life and beyond in the world who are craving the love that you have so much to give. You need some time to focus on you and get your perspective back so you can see yourself in the beautiful true light of the desirable woman you truly are, and that begins with a little love for yourself here.
yeah!!! we need to stand up for ourselves and clear up the mess in our lives…if you dont like something,change it…Jane,did you receive my email?
I did, Tash; you'll be hearing from me soon 🙂
The other extreme to this is when you give up and fill your life with helping others. It keeps you from being lonely because you are too busy. You get lots of joy helping others, but it is not suppose to circumvent a healthy relationship between a man and woman. I'm sure that many men are going through the same thing that women are (being involved with the wrong kind of people). They bury themselves in their work. So how are the two suppose to cross paths?
That's exactly it, Carolyn; we all have different ways of dealing with our own blindspots, regardless of our gender. And while it's always so much easier to keep doing the same thing we've always done rather than take an honest look at what's really motivating us, the truth is that these things we're doing disconnect us from each other more often than they connect us.
That's why when we become open to what's really going on within ourselves - and why we keep repeating so many of the same patterns - we can take steps to change these patterns and, in that process, who and what we are attracted to and attracting into our lives, begins to slowly shift. Both people have to be open, both have to be willing to see themselves in the light of who they really are and why they behave in the ways they do.
Know that's also a huge sign of someone who's emotionally available; if he is open to looking at himself in the light of who he really is. So many men have been brought up to deny their emotions and be hard and strong, but the reality is, they, too, are often hurting little boys underneath that macho facade they've learned to hide behind to be accepted. Not that this a reason to try to save or rescue any one - too many of us do that all too well naturally! - but being aware of this helps us to better understand why many men are emotionally unavailable.
Thanks for bringing this up, Carolyn. This is one of the ways you can tell if someone is compatible with you; if you're in touch with your own realities and blindspots, you want someone who's also in touch with these areas in their own lives.
Whatever beliefs are there that cause a person to act and choose that leads to victimhood, they should be looked at and changed. There is help, alot of it, out there. Life is too short to not be conscious about one's happiness.
So true, Jackie.
jackie that is so true,thank you…xx
iam at the point that i want and know i need to move but i dont know where to start. i feel so lost. i would be nice to find some help dont know where or who to look for. any input would be gratefull appreciated