But I love him.
But I’m lonely.
But I’m getting older.
But he supports me financially.
But I’m divorced with young children.
But he takes care of me.
I hear each and every one of your reasons, my beautiful friend. And while I wish, oh how I wish with all of my heart, that I could somehow make everything all better for you, the reality is that we are all on our own journey and our own path.
You know what your priorities are.
You know what certain things are worth to you. And you know what you are willing to give up in order to get what you’re receiving in return. It's your decision.
And no one else has the right to judge you because they are not you.
And so, as much as I personally believe that once we step out of our comfort zones and step out into the unknown we find more than we could ever have asked for, you have to believe that too.
It takes courage and trust and a belief that defies all logic to go into that unknown, especially when we live in such a practical world.
So what I do say is this: find the unconventional means to getting those real needs of yours met without needing to get it from someone who gives you so little else.
If it’s love you need, find people to love who most need that beautiful love you give so freely while expecting so little in return. Look around at all the hurting people in our world and give that love to those who need it most, and you will find that the love will come back to you tenfold.
If you’re lonely, make some friends, re-connect with family, or become part of a community that fills you up so you no longer define lonely as being without a man. Look into co-housing or find a roommate situation with someone looking for someone just like you!
If you need some help with parenting your children, look into sharing housing with someone who is also in a similar situation and looking for something like this, too. In our culture we are all holed up in our individual houses far away from the villages and communities of the past, and yet we miss out on so much when we live so far away like we do. See what creative ways you can come up with to recreate the idea of a village so that the daily difficulties of raising your sweet children doesn't rest solely on your weary shoulders.
If you hear your biological clock ticking, stop settling for these men who aren't looking to commit to you and have children anytime soon. Weed those out right away by focusing solely on the real qualities you’re looking for in a husband and most importantly, a father to your children. Narrow it down to one or two of those most important qualities and don’t consider anyone who doesn't have them. There are plenty of men out there who also want to have children sooner rather than later, too.
If it’s financial security you’re looking for, look for ways to lower your living expenses. Take on a roommate, look into co-housing, move in with family or friends, move to a cheaper city or state, grow more of your own food, see what you can trade for some of your expenses. See if taking some training to get a better job might also be an option.
I know all too well how nice it is to have someone take care of us. But I also know the very high price we pay for that. When we need someone to take care of us outside of ourselves, we give so much of our own power away to them. We become indebted to them and the relationship shifts and becomes unbalanced so that we lose so much of ourselves. Ask yourself if you really need someone to take care of you, or if you might be able to take care of yourself just as well, and without the strings that come attached when we outsource our care to someone else.
My point, my wonderful friend, is that whatever your reason is for being with someone who doesn't see you the way you really are, who isn't able to give you what you’re truly looking for, sometimes there is more to that story of why we stay with someone like this if we look closer at what we really need. Try to uncover the real need that he's filling.
If you can fill those needs through other creative out-of-the-box ways, you will find your cup full enough that you don’t need to settle for less than what you deserve anymore.
Or ever again.
continuation..
but as years went by i felt that im not being happy and at peace with myself...we may be complete as a family and not a broken home..but i feel so miserable and broken as a person..although he promis3d me that he will
never leave us for just as so long that i will accept his relationship with the girl...so i swallowed my pride and i let him have a relationship with this girl...because i love him and i dont want my kids to have a broken family...until a year ago he told me the girl is pregnant..it broke my heart so much but after all these sweet words from him..i
accepted him back..but this thing slowly became like nightmare to me..i will always cry..be sad at times..and im so not happy..i will akways have reason to argue with him..especially if i see that hes more inlove with this girl and hes romantic and sweet to her but not to me..i dont know what to do anymore..pleas3 help me..i love him and i dont want my kids to suffer from a broken home
oh how my heart goes out to you, my beautiful friend. You truly are the only one who can make your decision here, Cay; there isn't anyone who can tell you what to do, because unless it comes from you - unless you can live with your decision - you will always question whether you did the right thing. Whenever there are children involved, the decision to stay or leave is so much more complicated, but at some point you have to decide what is worse. Living the way you are and accepting the behaviors -and his clear terms that don't honor or respect you or your marriage or your family - to keep your family together, or making a new life for yourself and your children with someone who would never, ever dream of treating you this way. You are clearly living your own nightmare, though, and that is no way to live for you or your children.
I would strongly encourage you to seek out some professional help from someone who is especially experienced with handling issues like this where children and mistresses and now a new child is involved. You have such a deeply personal situation here, Cay, that it is no wonder you're having such a hard time figuring out what to do when every choice appears to have such difficult consequences for everyone involved - especially you and your sweet children. Someone who has experience with this will be able to advise you on all aspects here, including the financial and legal and psychological factors - so you can make an educated decision. Don't wait any longer to get some help, my beautiful friend; this way you are living is no way for anyone to live, no matter what the reason.
tnx so much jane for taking time to read my story..it eased my burden somehow..its just so hard to start and make that first step..but i know given the courage and guided with wisdom ill be able to ge through this..tnx so much..its just so painful when you know you want to do something which you think is right but only to be held back by fear if you think you did the right thing...and given the situation wherein my kids will be affected by a major decision..sometimes im thinkin if i could just swallowed my pride and dignity again abd be miserable seeing my husbabd loving another woman while my kids will live in a complete family and have no idea whats going on...even pretending to the public that ours is a perfect martiage but in reality its not.
Remember that this is your story and your own fears, Cay; no one is asking you to do any of this, my beautiful friend. You don't really know what being together or not being together would be like for your children. You are only doing the best with who you are and what you know. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself - and your children - is refuse to be the victim; refuse to buy into the belief you have that you have to be a martyr here. You don't. And someone who's experienced in dealing with matters like this will be able to help you see this too and finally set you free from this life that you still absolutely have control of. You deserve so much more than this! You are worth so much more than what your story is telling you!
Tnx jane..
more power to you..take care
Hi Cay,
I just read your story and it made me cry. You don't deserve that! No one does. How are you doing these days?
Lots of love to you.
👍👍👍✌🏽♥️
hi..i dont what to do anymore..which is the right and the best thing to do..ive asked all my friends' advices already...and they said the decision is on me for they can only say much...im married for 13 years already to a lawyer and we have 2 children..both girls ages 12 and 11yo...my husband sad to say has never been faithful to me since day 1 of our marriage.women after women after women..some of which i got to disover..some
remained unknown up to now...until 4 years ago he had a steady girlfriend who is younger than 9 years to him..he would akways quarrel to me and always find faults in me..and ive noticed i cant make him happy anymore..actually he was never sweet and romantic to me even during our first few years of marriage..until i
found out about this girl..we quarrelled so much but in the end after cooling down for a few days he came to me and yold me that he wants to save our family but he cant live without other woman in his life..because i love him and because my kids are still young i accepted him back and let him cintinue his relationship with the girl
Excellent topic and great suggestions too Jane.
I like to you use the following phrase when it comes to this topic:
"...you're either part of the solution, or part of the problem..."
I rarely find someone that has EVER been alone for a good amount of time...enough to observe other relationships...the mistakes your friends make that you can NOW see because you're alone and without a man...the time that helps you grow and meet your own needs in healthful ways WITHOUT a man because you have no choice. You have no choice because you're committed to NOT compromising.
Men learn that there are plenty of women out there willing to compromise. How do they learn this? From other women that do...DON'T BE ONE! Being one makes you part of the problem. Wouldn't it be nice to wash your hands clean and say, "I'm not a contributor to the creation of poor minded men."? I've watched some of you women. You purposely pick men with problems and insecurities because this makes your insecurities acceptable. You know he's not smart enough to challenge them...and he won't make you feel judged but loved and accepted for who you are. So you think you'll just get with him and you'll both magically mature together.
The same God that made you knows what you're worth but you don't or care to know because you'll settle for anything that makes you feel better than being alone.
You and I know there was always that THAT GUT INSTINCT telling you something is wrong by jumping in because this is just life and other girls go through it. That's just cold feet. Every girl gets that. No. You girls have that special 'sense' when it comes to men that you think is just a burden...a little angel that keeps you from having fun.
Sorry...It doesn't work that way...you're paddling upstream...you're safe now that you have a boat to keep from getting wet but asking why do I have to keep paddling? Where's the rest stop?
Being alone is good but being lonely is NEVER good. Being in a relationship can make you actually more lonely because you thought you would have your needs met. You raised your expectations so now you're even more let down. Being alone for a LONG time is positive reinforcement to find happiness and content so that when YOU DO find a man worthy, the SMALLEST thing he does is now BIG.
Every woman I meet and have the slightest interest in, will get asked about this topic immediately. The WORST thing I hear and it's not a good thing goes something like this, "..I just got out of a 7 year relationship.." using a tone of voice as though it's a good thing. IT'S NOT! In fact with me it's the opposite. It doesn't make you MORE experienced. It makes your decision making questionable and your self security weak. It is NOT attractive at all. It makes me feel like you'll be just as happy with the kind of guy that I despise. I've been part of the solution by NOT being one of them. And you've been part of the problem by enabling them. Now you suddenly think your ready for the next stage. "...Oh he didn't want to have kids and I did...It was time for me to move on...". You don't want to know all the BAD things this tells me.
What you should have done is learn all the signs in 7 days from this guy's to see if he's worthy of anything. You want to get to this point. You want to be 'wanting' the very thing you've become. I call this..."...equal work for equal pay..."
Cheers!
I never seriously wanted to have children until 4 years ago. Ever since then I find that walking away as soon as a man shows that he is not on the same page as I around family and relationships, I walk away. I'm clear I want kids and my time is valuable.
Exactly, Jackie!
In the past Jane I clung on to my marriage for 20 years , living in an indifferent, sexless environment and not getting any of my needs met while trying to cope with the cheating and the pain. Until the point he chose to abandon me and his two daughters because he wanted to have a free life.At first i just could not face life, got into a disastrous relationship on the rebound and was a mess generally. Gradually however I realized that when there were problems , the solutions miraculously appeared. I started meditation and affirmations in the morning and the more confident i became. I would really like to tell those women who are in deadend relationships, examine your motives for staying, and if it is because of a sense of fear , talk to yourself and trust that God has control., and should you leave you will get everything you need, every single day . Although i still have my share of problems it gets better everyday and then there is always hope for a better relationship tomorrow..
Thank you for sharing your story, Ann; when you've been there, you understand in a way that no one else can.