"The biggest regret I have is letting people stay in my life longer than they deserve" (author unknown).
I read this quote the other day and it hit home with me on a whole new level. Whether it's men who clearly weren't on the same page as me or friends who were no longer behaving like friends, if there was one single thing I would have done differently, it was this.
And yet, if you're anything like me, how do you know when it's been enough time? How do you really know when it's been too long? Because you have such a beautiful, loving, giving, understanding heart, you know all too well just how good it could be because it shows so much potential. And so you have such a hard time knowing when it's time to move on let someone out of your life. After all, what if, you wonder?
You've already invested so much.
It comes down to you, again. That theme is always there, isn't it? Because that's the beauty of this. Yes, it's you allowing this again. Allowing yourself to go there, to believe it can still be different this time with him. Allowing yourself to believe his excuses, to forgive him yet again, to see past the obvious to what only you seem to be able to see. To be so understanding. But because you're the one allowing this, you are also the one who can set your boundaries and draw that line in the sand on what you are no longer willing to allow. You are in control here.
You are no longer the victim.
When he won't commit, when he doesn't call, when he all but disappears, when he treats you that way, when you put him on that pedestal and put yourself so far beneath him that you can't see the truth anymore.
This is you choosing him. This is you not choosing you.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
If he won't commit, and you want a commitment, what about this works for you?
If he doesn't call – or text, or communicate with you in whatever way he said he would – could it be you have your answer from the silence?
If he all but disappears, why do you have to make this about you? He's the one who disappeared.
If he's treating you in a way that doesn't honor or respect or show you he loves you, why are you choosing to allow yourself to be treated like this?
No one deserves to be put on a pedestal. We are equals regardless of what gender we are, how intelligent we are, how beautiful or handsome we are, how "together" we are, what we do for a living, how much money we make, what kind of car we drive, how educated we are … I could go on and on.
When you're ready, in your own time, let him know it's your time. It's not his time anymore. You can always keep living like this, it's always your choice, my beautiful friend, but if there's one common thread that unites this entire community, it's the one that says it's your turn. Your choice. Your life. Your turn. Find that strong voice within you. See what she's capable of. See what she can do. She's there, just waiting her turn. Don't disappoint her.
Show her the life she was born to live!
This is the most humble yet eye opening article I've read. I needed this. All my inner battle and turmoils were finally written in words through your article. For all the hurt and rejection from the man I love, it is my choice now, my turn and I chose me. Thank you for the resonating wisdom.
I'm so glad this resonated so deeply with you, Sophia. It's always your choice, no matter how much it feels like you don't have one. I'm honored you found your way here to these words that you somehow must have known were written for you. Welcome! 🙂
I came across this article about a woman who can't love someone because they are holding on to a past love who will never return. The sooner you let you of an old flame then you can find happy with a new true love: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/reasons-why-i-cannot-love-you/
You have to love yourself enough to have the strength to face the possibility of being alone. No one has the right to make you uncomfortable. Most times it only takes two conversations to know whether you should continue cultivating a relationship. No two people agree all the time, but pay attention. If the conversation or situation makes you uncomfortable, that is your intuition telling you to cut off communication.
This is an article that came just in time to uplift and empower me when I needed it the most. I said Wow! I read it over and over again, I sent it to a girlfriend who is going through the same things, many of us are going through in our relationships. I see the practicality, the critical wisdom in every word. Sometimes we have to go out of ourselves mentally, and look at what we accept from men who treat us with low or no regard to our feelings, our well being and our sense of self. How we accept the mental abuse and narcissistic behaviours, we accept all of these thinking, if we only understood them more, if we only show more love and all the other good positive things we as women have to give. This goes unappreciated, and we continue to be taken for granted and taken advantage of. This article is so powerful, that I know many of us will become proactive and tale the reigns back and become the driver in our lives. No more must we put " him" first, as Jane said don't ever put anyone on a Pedestal. Lets see ourselves as equals, that deserve to be treated with respect, and honor. I am feeling so strong now, that I am actually smiling, I tell myself I am finally getting where I want to be, which is to be free from a relationship that gave me great highs, but brought me to the lowest low, It's the lows I use to motivate me never to go back, I Just had an "ah hah" moment right now...more smiles....and I feel very optimistic about following through in my journey
It's so beautiful to hear this resonating with you like this, Marie. I couldn't have said what you are saying here any more beautifully than you have. Thank you for sharing this process, your journey with all of us. You have absolutely got it, my beautiful friend. Let that radiant, confident, beautiful you shine through. You are describing the very essence of you!
You said this so beautifully, Carolyn. Thank you.
My policy is the second they show me who they are, choose to leave them behind. I've had men show themselves to be selfish, creepy, thoughtless, etc early on and I said goodbye and blocked them. If they are behaving badly at the start, when most people are on their best behavior, then it will only get worse. No one is perfect but lacking basic manners and courtesy is a good reason to exit.
It takes such inner strength to see that, Jackie; especially when it's not always that cut and dry. Be so proud of yourself that you are able to do that as it takes so many of us a very, very long time to get to that place. That's huge!
One guy wanted me to go all the way on the other end of town to meet for coffee. I cancelled and blocked him. Another guy got back in touch and didn't let me know if he wanted to meet by a certain time. He knew my schedule and clearly didn't respect it. So I sent him a text and said no thanks. A third guy acted in such a way that he should be neutered so I just don't respond to him when he contacts me. Then the fourth was told time and time again that I was not interested, and when he tried again I told him that I was blocking him too, but if he found a way to contact me again he would get a restraining order. When I was younger I thought I was harsh. Now, I know that once they show me who they are, if its not acceptable for me, remove them from my life. SIMPLE.